lovelinefan Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I've been dating a girl for a little more than 1.5 years. By my own evaluation we're both somewhat depressed, her more than me. She doesn't want to do therapy or anything to help her through depression and problems, and most of the time she won't even talk about it. We have sex about once a month. I don't think either of us has a strong libido, but I wouldn't mind sex 2-3 times a week. She sleeps a lot. She worries about money, school, work, and everything in her life a lot. Basically, she's kind of a bummer to hang around with, and I feel my attraction fading. Sometimes I get into my own funk, and I want to spend time alone, or I'm not in a good mood when we're around each other - she always interprets anything like this from me as a sign that she is going to "lose me." She says that she wants to be her own person who isn't dependent on me, but her actions speak otherwise - she doesn't have hobbies or friends really, so if I'm not with her, she's not doing much.. this is probably the #1 reason we don't currently live together; I want her to be her own person and have her own life before she moves into my house. Instead, she spends as much time as possible hanging out at my house, and hasn't developed any sort of life for herself outside of her obligations and me. She seems always on edge, worrying that I will break up with her. Unfortunately, this kind of desperation and lack of self direction in her is making me consider breaking up with her - but I almost feel as if I can't even consider it, because of her fragile emotional state. She tells me things like losing me would destroy her - how am I supposed to deal with that? She tells me that she doesn't want to tell me all of the fears and anxieties she has in her mind, because it would scare me away... frankly, I think they might, because I think it would be a tidal wave of codependent attachment. Basically, I have no idea how to turn this boat away from the waterfall it seems to be headed towards, and I kind of feel like jumping overboard, but I don't want to abandon her to go over the falls and crash. Does anyone have any good advise for me?
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 We have sex about once a month. I don't think either of us has a strong libido, but I wouldn't mind sex 2-3 times a week. She sleeps a lot. She worries about money, school, work, and everything in her life a lot. Basically, she's kind of a bummer to hang around with, and I feel my attraction fading. Once a month? Damn... I'd be gone fast. That means she isn't very attracted to you.
Cypress25 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Once a month? Damn... I'd be gone fast. That means she isn't very attracted to you. No, it doesn't. It could mean any number of things, most likely that she's deep in a major depression. The lack of sex is the least of your problems here. I know you said she doesn't want help for her depression, but does she know how it is affecting you? Has she had bad experiences with therapy or medication in the past? Are you willing to get help for your own depression? This can't continue, so you need to have a talk with her and explain that she needs to at least try to make a change. Maybe you could offer to do it together.
brokendreamz Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 You should have a chat with my ex. She was in exactly the same position as you and I was a nightmare to be around. She ended it with me and to be honest it was touch and go which way I went... I'm happy to say I did the right thing and I am now a different person. It's taken a LOT of work, some of which is on going but she did me a favour by leaving. I was no longer able to hide behind her (not that I realised I was doing that till now :0( ) It was the single hardest thing I've ever been through and I know I'll never be able to see her again (we were together 8 years - living together) and my god I miss her more than anyone will ever know... But you know what? I'm glad it happened - and I truly hope she is happy. Good luck my friend, trust yourself and do the right thing what ever you decide that to be.
Author lovelinefan Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 I know you said she doesn't want help for her depression, but does she know how it is affecting you? No, she doesn't - I've considered having this conversation with her, but she already keeps as much of it from me as she can, because she doesn't want to scare me away or burden me, so if I tell her I already feel effected, I am afraid she will take it badly. I guess I just have to see what happens. Has she had bad experiences with therapy or medication in the past? Yes, but she's told me about them, and they are mainly harmless problems from when she was a teenager - I think she uses this as an excuse. The main hurdle I think is the cost, she can't afford to pay out of pocket to talk to anyone. Are you willing to get help for your own depression? I've been reaching out to find someone for me to talk to once or twice a month - I can't really afford this expense either, but I am working towards making it happen. Good luck my friend, trust yourself and do the right thing what ever you decide that to be. Thank you - I unfortunately am so conflicted, I don't know what is the right thing.
Author lovelinefan Posted October 29, 2011 Author Posted October 29, 2011 I tried to tell her how her depression effects me, and told her that I regret how my moods effect her, and she blew me off and went to sleep.
D87 Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Its almost impossible to get out of depression when you're in relationship with depressed person. That's like a heroin junkie couple, the behavior of one perpetuates the other's. Best thing to do is take some time off and focus on getting out of depression before starting a relationship IMO
Author lovelinefan Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 I think you're right, but the hard part is ending this without sending her into a depression that ends really badly, I guess. I love her, and want her to be safe and happy, so I feel stuck.
azsinglegal Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 If she's in school I'm pretty sure there are therapists for free. I know I saw one my first year of college as I had a wee bit of a drinking problem. You can't save her, you know this right? She has to save herself. You not wanting to break up with her out of fear of what she might do is just going to make things worse. I've been with depressed people and been depressed myself. I've been dumped at the height of my depression and it gave me the strength I needed to pick myself up and start over. Alot of my depression was also codependance. I was so scared to be alone and have him leave that I did anything and said anything to scare him into staying with me. I was also a cutter...and I think that made things worse for him. You can't rescue her. You can only rescue yourself. I'm sure you can come up with an amicable break up that will help both of you. Even if you don't see it for the best at the time. Good luck.
Recommended Posts