2 Months in and I did this...

[Viking]

Well, today marks two months since my GF and I said goodbye at the airport. She's not exactly a very attentive person to my communication and relationship needs while we are long distance. I feel like she has time to go for bike rides with a cycling team, hang out with other foreign exchange students and stay up late. However, she for some reason does not have much time to talk to me, be it skype, facebook chat or other.

 

Last night, I went to a pumpkin patch and I know the owner of the patch. She has a daughter that I find attractive and they've both come into my work to buy seafood from me. (The daughter is over 21). She is home visiting for the Halloween season to help with the pumpkin patch and is here for only about a week longer. She came in by herself to buy fish for her mom's fish and chips business. She hung around long after being done buying stuff and we just talked about stuff in general. I didn't bring up the fact that I have a GF, and she didn't mention a BF...

 

Anyway, I asked if she would want to go to karaoke with me Wednesday and I asked her for her number. She gave me her number and I was pretty excited as I think she's really cute, chill and a nice person to talk to. HOWEVER, I did text her later that evening saying, "Hey, this is J. After thinking about this, I may have come off different than I had intended. I have a long distance girlfriend and didn't intend to make Wednesday seem like a date. You seem like a fun person to get to know. With that being said, I would still like to go to karaoke with you. :)"

 

I feel as though what I did was wrong initially, but I corrected it later. However, I still can't shake the thought that I asked her for a reason, and it was as more than friends. I've never put a girl I thought was attractive, that I asked for her number, into the friendzone, but she will be moving back to California in a week after she is done helping her mom out at their pumpkin patch. She will be coming back for the Christmas holidays though.

 

As of yet, I still haven't gotten a reply to the text I sent. I don't know if I should really expect one or not, but I am trying not to hurt her by leading her on and I am not sure if I want to break up with my GF over someone who lives in a different state (even if it is California and my GF is studying in Taiwan, I don't know if I would want ANOTHER long distance relationship.) Am I a bad person or did I do anything severely wrong? I am so confused by my actions.

[creighton0123]

"Am I a bad person or did I do anything severely wrong?"

 

No and no. You realized that you were in an assumed monogamous relationship before you did anything more than get someone's phone number.

[Viking]

This was her reply:

 

"That's cool I didn't take it wrongly. We'll see about Wednesday. I have a lot going on. Thanks".

 

This was after her telling me yesterday that she has absolutely nothing to do. I told her about my busy schedule and she said she was the opposite and didn't have enough to do...

 

I never mentioned my GF when talking to her either at the store I work at or at the pumpkin patch. I deliberately did not refer to her. I never saw myself getting her number though...

[polka_dot_pixie]

Although usually I would be of the 'that's wrong' mindset, in this situation I don't think you were, I think your actions have less to do with how you feel for your girlfriend (or a possible lack of what you're feeling) and more to do with how your girlfriend is making YOU feel. I've read a few of your posts and I can sort of sympathise, my boyfriend is currently studying abroad too and his communication is less than perfect, in fact sometimes I'm lucky if I get an email a week, and I think when you start thinking along the lines of 'they have time to do this and that but not get back to me, the person they claim to love...' then you start subconsciously detaching from them and part of this is by keeping your options open, not in a sleazy sort of way, but just you half feel like you're single, the important part here is that the other half of you that knows you are in a relationship - regardless of how it's making you feel - kicked in and you told this other girl about your girlfriend and you didn't want her to get the wrong idea.

 

So, I wouldn't beat yourself up or worry too much, I fully suspect this is a result of - not to sound silly - not having your needs met in your current relationship.

 

Sorry if I am making assumptions about your relationship lol I just know I'm in a similar boat and there have been times I have asked for hugs off a male friend and spent hours texting him when I'm in bed (nothing inappropriate) then felt appallingly guilty for it and thought over and over about why I had done it and in the end I worked out it was because I was missing my boyfriend but unable to get in touch with him (he sometimes goes AWOL for over a week without answering calls, txts or showing up for skype dates) and I was sort of transferring that onto the male I'm next closest to in order to feel a little less lonely and hurt, because I'm sure you know as well as I do that it does hurt when your SO can seem to have time to update a facebook but not send a quick hello email...

 

Hope I've helped

[Viking]

I guess I'm also realizing the futility of this LDR. I really am having serious doubts whether or not I want to go to Taiwan. It might be fun, but in the end, it is not really something I want to spend 5 months of my life doing when I could be doing something more beneficial like staying here and pursuing a job offer that I might have.

 

Another thing is that my GF is talking about grad school in Taiwan. I am sure I don't want to do two years there and I don't really want to wait around for her to come back. Especially when she doesn't know if she sees herself ever marrying me.

 

What is bothering me with the girl I asked out, is that she seemed hurt by the fact that I asked her out and have a GF. Kinda. I have a GF in title, but she is not attentive (does not meet my needs), does not really go out of her way to make me less anxious about how she feels about the future etc. Then there is this girl "H" whose number I have, seemed excited when I got her number and then I blew it.

 

I feel single due to the detachment that I am experiencing. I thought I would be fine and not have any issues, but I feel like they are being forced upon me due to my GF being a bad GF.

 

I am extremely conflicted. This new girl is really not the average type I'd go for. She's 29-30 years old (I'm 26) and taller than me. However, she is really cool and I am afraid I blew a chance at getting to know her at the least.

[Ezekiel]

I guess I'm also realizing the futility of this LDR. I really am having serious doubts whether or not I want to go to Taiwan. It might be fun, but in the end, it is not really something I want to spend 5 months of my life doing when I could be doing something more beneficial like staying here and pursuing a job offer that I might have.

 

Another thing is that my GF is talking about grad school in Taiwan. I am sure I don't want to do two years there and I don't really want to wait around for her to come back. Especially when she doesn't know if she sees herself ever marrying me.

 

What is bothering me with the girl I asked out, is that she seemed hurt by the fact that I asked her out and have a GF. Kinda. I have a GF in title, but she is not attentive (does not meet my needs), does not really go out of her way to make me less anxious about how she feels about the future etc. Then there is this girl "H" whose number I have, seemed excited when I got her number and then I blew it.

 

I feel single due to the detachment that I am experiencing. I thought I would be fine and not have any issues, but I feel like they are being forced upon me due to my GF being a bad GF.

 

I am extremely conflicted. This new girl is really not the average type I'd go for. She's 29-30 years old (I'm 26) and taller than me. However, she is really cool and I am afraid I blew a chance at getting to know her at the least.

 

I can't speak too much about how to handle your current gf but I'd say if you have a chance at a job offer here, do that instead of traveling. Especially given the economy and jobs in general.

 

As far as the gf goes. That;s an iffy situation. If you don't feel there's any chance at a real future (ie marriage) and your needs aren't being met because she's too involved with others, why hang on to it?

 

Whatever you do, make a decision about her before you entertain the idea of others. I'm currently going through a situation with a girl that loves another guy and myself. It's hard, man.

 

She's not intimate with either of us, physically, but the emotional turmoil of trying to decide who she'd rather make a life with is taking it's toll on all of us. It's not fun and games like some would think when it's a matter of the heart instead of just lust and sexual promiscuity.

[Viking]

I guess maybe my entertaining the idea about others shows the lack of connection I feel to my GF. Tonight I will be skyping with her and I will have to ask her tough questions I guess. She has been quite ill recently and not sleeping.

 

I would like to give her a chance, but I frankly don't know if she should get one. I need to know that there is a future with her in order to stay together. We've been together for 2 years and she doesn't know if she sees one, therefore I don't know if one exists either. Maybe she just realized it before me, but I am figuring it out now.

 

As for the other girl, I figure she won't meet up tonight for karaoke and is probably out of the picture. I don't think I would have wanted another long distance relationship anyway. She lives in California and only visits for holidays. I don't really want to go down there as living expenses are too high.

 

The job offer isn't anything formal really, just an opportunity to go check out what this guy does and whether or not I might be interested. If he seems to want me to work for him, sure, I might. I currently work at a grocery store and have benefits and a semi-secure job. I make $14.60 and have no rent costs, so only food and play money. Therefore, travel for me is not a huge problem.

 

I'm just at a loss really as to what I should do about my current GF situation. I'm not happy I realized. I blew it with the other girl (more than likely) and I don't think I want to really spend so much time abroad in Asia. I would rather go to Germany. Family, friends and familiarity there.

[Ezekiel]

I guess maybe my entertaining the idea about others shows the lack of connection I feel to my GF. Tonight I will be skyping with her and I will have to ask her tough questions I guess. She has been quite ill recently and not sleeping.

The being ill and not sleeping sounds like the girl I'm with. The other guy she was with for 6 years. Me, 6 months but the connection is amazing.

She's so torn about what to do it's affecting her health and her sleep.

Just something to ponder.

 

I would like to give her a chance, but I frankly don't know if she should get one. I need to know that there is a future with her in order to stay together. We've been together for 2 years and she doesn't know if she sees one, therefore I don't know if one exists either. Maybe she just realized it before me, but I am figuring it out now.

She needs to give you an answer. Telling you she loves you before you go or in messages don't quite make up for the lack of intimacy and bonding, does it.

If she's been with you for 2 years and "doesn't know" if she sees a future pretty much means she doesn't. You see one because, up until this point, she's been what you saw as all you needed. Now that you aren't getting those same reinforcements that you had in the past, its causing you to wonder. Understandable really.

I'm having the same questions and same feelings since the situation has become complicated. Until then, she just made every fiber in my body feel elated.

 

As for the other girl, I figure she won't meet up tonight for karaoke and is probably out of the picture. I don't think I would have wanted another long distance relationship anyway. She lives in California and only visits for holidays. I don't really want to go down there as living expenses are too high.p

Then don't pursue it. If she makes it, have fun and enjoy yourself but don't push anything. It's not healthy because of where she lives and your feelings about moving there....and....you're stinging about your current gf.

 

 

I'm just at a loss really as to what I should do about my current GF situation. I'm not happy I realized.

If you're not happy...then hit her with the hard questions.

The hardest thing to do is rock the boat when you're scared it'll cause you to lose them BUT...the boats sinking anyway, right? What have you got to lose?

If it turns out that it's over, you saved yourself some suffering time by finding out early.

If it makes things work because you finally said what you felt, then you salvaged something worth saving and cut out the suffering and questions you're dealing with now.

 

These are all just my opinion. Maybe it's cuz of my current situation that I can see/feel what you're going through.

I'm workin on my the best I can. Have asked the hard questions and am trying to decide if I'm happy with them or not.

It ain't easy. Love never is. But at some point, you have to bite the bullet and make or break the situation.

 

peace.

[creighton0123]

Having traveled to Taipei, I can tell you that it is an amazing city... to visit. Living there is entirely different. While I could do it myself, it is a culture shock. Crowded streets, very few people speak English, very hot and muggy all the time.

 

I don't blame you for wanting to move there. It can be quite a culture shock and separates you from your life that you have built at home.

 

Sorry you're not happy with your girlfriend while she studies abroad. When you do meet someone you can be with for the rest of your life, chances are it will feel right and be much easier whether she is local to you or at a distance.

[polka_dot_pixie]

I would like to give her a chance, but I frankly don't know if she should get one.

 

Talking from personal experience as well, if you aren't sure if she should get one then she probably shouldn't, LDR's are hard, and even more hard when one person just isn't as committed as the other, again I can relate because my boyfriend was already a 2 hour bus ride at university before he went abroad, and upon him returning next year he will still be at least that distance again and then the year after that he too is contemplating going back abroad for postgraduate... If one half of the couple is thinking of all this then they should be willing to put in extra time and effort to make the relationship work, and if they can't then to me they just aren't invested enough... I really do feel for you because it's amazing how much anger and resentment you can start to feel for someone you love just because they can't give you 10 minutes of a day yet can give their new found friends hours and hours of both in person and online communication.

 

See how your skype session goes with her, I'd disagree though and suggest you stay away from the hard questions just for now, and see how you feel over the next few days, because there is a chance you could just be feeling this way because it's been a good few months now and you're starting to get fed up, do you have any visits planned? The last thing you need right now is to suddenly end it and then realise all of this was just a case of really missing her and needing to see her...

[wildgeese]

After reading all of that, I'm really sorry you're going through such a rough time, Viking. I think that before you even think about bringing other girls into the situation, you need to figure out what is up with you and your girlfriend. From your replies, it seems you are not happy and you're fully aware of that. Some people (your girlfriend) are just not cut out for long distance relationships or it could be that this ultimately isn't the right relationship in general. If she's not willing to put in more effort, which from your previous posts it doesn't seem like she has, then something has got to give. Talk it out, see how she really feels, and if what she wants differs from what you want, it may be time to end it. Long distance relationships don't really do much good for anyone involved if you don't see a future together, especially if you've been a couple for two years. Saying that she is a "bad girlfriend" and doesn't deserve a second chance are some harsh (though perhaps entirely accurate - we don't really know) statements and it sounds to me like you are ready to put this thing behind you.

[lambee]

I am in a similar situation as you. My boyfriend (4 years together) and I have been long distance (about 3 hours away) for six months now. I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster, being up when I talk to him and we are together, down when we're apart and I start questioning our relationship.

He doesn't make any effort to visit where I live, it is mostly me making the effort, although he does give me gas money, usually He wants to get married and have kids but right now, I'm 22 and just starting my life, so it's not something I want at this point. Besides he is not really responsible enough for that. I am constantly in a state of confusion of whether I am wasting my time, his time, our time.

Last night I spoke to my dad about feeling down about my situation and basically he told me, do what makes you happy. If there is not much of a future in this relationship, why waste more of your life? Why be miserable?

It's not easy to come to a decision, and I'm not telling you to end it, just consider your own happiness.

[Viking]

We ended up talking for three hours last night. The biggest thing is that she never shows emotion or a desire for me/a future with me until/unless I am getting ready to break things off.

 

I just sent her this message on facebook and I am just trying to figure out why I did not break up last night. I am going to meet up with the other girl and just get to know her on a friends basis as I don't want to have to deal with a relationship or anything like that. I don't know if I want to stay with my LDR GF, and I don't want to start something new. It felt like it ended a while ago and now unbeknownst to me, it hasn't. I'm a stranger in my own life it feels. Unable to determine where my ship sails.

 

I just don't think I will be able to talk until I've thought about what I want for myself. My future is now my present because I've put off doing what I want for so long, that now I am faced with having to make bigger decisions that will affect my future, my career and what I see myself doing.

 

I want to take advantage of the job offer by Fiber Works if that is what ends up happening. It seems like it would be a good opportunity for me to get out of Fred Meyer and transition into something that is more interesting, even if it doesn't pertain to my degrees. Which, while utterly useless it seems, are beneficial as it puts me into a tier above others. I have developed critical thinking skills that many people who do not go to college do not develop. The opportunity to work with German companies is intriguing and something that I would like to do.

 

I don't want to be floating from job to job like some people. I want to find something that will be good for me, my future and my future family-wherever and whoever that is. That is where you need to figure out what you are willing to do, and if you are willing to put in the effort, time and what I need for a successful relationship. I want to be married, have a family and a house. Simply put, that is what I see for myself. My job is periphery and not as important as the life I lead. Jobs fund life. I don't want to live to work, I want to work to live. Leave my job behind and be able to come home to a loving family.

 

I see myself with kids. Dogs. Model As. Someone who loves him and can't be away, even if that is what must happen due to jobs and things that make living life possible. Time apart is inevitable, but the time apart doesn't have to be painful like it is now.

 

I need some time to evaluate what I want, versus what you are able to give me. What you want versus what I'm willing to give up. I don't want to give up 5 months of this upcoming year to spend in Taiwan. I thought I could convince myself of it, but I am just not able to do it. The thought of you doing grad school abroad is a lot. That's two years at least, and then who knows if you will want to come back.

 

I have felt as though your lack of communication and lack of missing me meant that you just were distancing yourself. I have to think about what is best for me and what I want. I want someone who wants to talk to me, says they miss me and really mean it. Not someone who is faced with a breakup and just says something that they think I want to hear because they don't know what they want. You keep saying that you love me, but then knock me to my knees with the "I don't see a future with you". That is a blow that is hard for someone to recover from and to not start distancing themselves. I think you need to figure out if you see a similar future as mine.

 

I don't want to leave behind everything I've started and left unfinished for a place I don't want to go to. I wouldn't be opposed to visiting when Matt goes there, if he is still planning that, but I just cannot see myself there, and you felt this and it caused you stress.

 

You've gone so long in our relationship without expressing emotion, that I have begun to believe that you don't feel anything for me. Only when we have talks, discussions or conversations like last night, do you ever open up. I'm an open book, I'll tell you how I feel, and without fear, because if I don't like the answer, then I have to do something. I am laid back, but not afraid to act when something isn't right.

 

I did everything I could to make sure you were taken care of. Fed you, drove you around while you didn't have a truck, supported you even though it meant that you were going to Taiwan and I knew what it might bring, and in general been there for you in all circumstances.

 

I get very, very little in return from you. Any fool would begin to take a hint. If we were just starting to date, those would be the signs that you were frankly not interested. That is how I began to take your actions. You have time for everything else but me. I get, if I am lucky, an hour of your time a week, and even then, it is a distracted time and you have to go somewhere to meet with people to do whatever.

 

I'm very forgiving and when in love with someone, I bend a lot to make sure that the other person is able to be their own person. I don't put restrictions on them that prevent them from being their own person, but I have to step in sometimes to make sure that my needs are met, that what I want is given to me and that what I have planned for myself is executed.

 

As for the next time we talk, I am fine if you message me. Skype will have to wait until I am able to spend time on the computer and you have time to talk and have done some thinking. It is just that I find it disheartening that you all of the sudden want to talk to me. I should be happy, but the circumstances in which this desire has come about, makes me sad as it only comes when there is a possibility that I won't be there any longer. I require more than that. I've always been there for you and you know this and have taken advantage of my faithfulness and I don't want to feel used anymore. Two people is what it takes to be in a relationship. Equal effort is what it takes for that relationship to stay strong and together. I just haven't gotten much from your end.

 

I need more. I need to see something more than just the present. You need to see if that is something that you want. I do not want to be the one to hold you back and you look back when you're older and say, "If only I had done xyz, I would feel more fulfilled." However, I require a more invested partner, someone who is there for me, as I have and will be there for her. You need to figure out if it is me that you want, or just someone. I need to know what you want. That is how a relationship works, compromise. Joining of two paths, that aren't necessarily equal or going in the same direction and bringing them together.

 

I had a Chinese test today. Probably didn't do well. But whatever, I am not giving up. I don't know if Sunday will work for talking, but just message me. We'll go from there. I hope your day goes well too.