Soraca Posted May 19, 2004 Posted May 19, 2004 Hello to everyone, I have a good friend that is going through a very bad breakup. She dated a guy for about a year, only to find him lying, cheating, and playing her. She broke up with him but after her immediate anger went away, she made the mistake of remaining friends with him. For maybe 6 months, he worked on her, trying to "prove" himself and "earn" her back. She resisted for a long time but eventually gave in. After they got back together for a only a few months, she caught him lying and cheating again. Now she is going through all the stages of separation and grieving. It has been 6 months since this happened (the 2nd break-up) and she's still not the same. Apparently he calls her at work sometimes and bothers her...saying he's not giving up on her! But she says he done!! My question is, although everyone is different, about how long do you think she'll need to fully recover and be completely over everything? Thanks.
azgirl Posted May 19, 2004 Posted May 19, 2004 I have been told that it takes approximately half of the time that you spent with someone to truly get over them, but it is different from person to person. Although that is probaly a good guide. I was with one person for a short time (i.e. 4 or 5 months) and it took me about a year and a 1900 mile move to get over him, and I was with one lousy idiot for 2 years and honestly I was "over" him for about the last year that we were together. Just try and be there for her and support her the best you can.
Author Soraca Posted May 19, 2004 Author Posted May 19, 2004 Hi there and thanks for your reply. It does make sense that about 1/2 the time you were with someone is needed. I have been told a good year is needed but I wanted a second opinion. I do agree that it can and I'm sure does vary. I wish I could be there for her but I can't as I was for a while but I'm nuts for her and she likes me too (at least she says she does) but she's obviously not ready. So I was curious as to how long my wait might be? Thanks again!
azgirl Posted May 19, 2004 Posted May 19, 2004 Oh! I get it! You are waiting for her to get over this, so that you can make a move! Ok. I understand. Let me just give you one little piece of advice. Make absolutely certain that she is over it before you try anything. I'll just tell you why. I am having some problems with my guy - fighting to keep us together, basically, and I was telling some co-workers (men) about it, and they had the audacity to hit on me!!!! I was disgusted because A)I am so madly in love with my bf that the thought of other men disgusts the living hell out of me, and B) They were clearly trying to prey on me when I was feeling vulnerable which pissed me off and disgusted me even more!!! My point is - you don't want to look like that. Especially since you two are close. It will hurt her and make her feel even more threatened. These idiots were practical strangers and look how I reacted! Trust me- it would be worse if it were coming from a friend. Good Luck!
Author Soraca Posted May 19, 2004 Author Posted May 19, 2004 Thank you again...I wish you luck with your situation. These guys at work were probably just trying to "get with you". Since they didn't take long to hit on you. These are the types of guys you probably want to avoid! This girl and I are close friends and have been for 3 years and we respect each other tremendously. She's just not ready and I have to be patient. She actually contacted me shortly after her 2nd break-up and wanted to talk and hang out with me. We did and as we got closer, she realized the timing wasn't right. She even said, "You are everything a girl could want in a man. I just wasn't there because my heart was with someone else. I wish I had waited until I was over all of this before I contacted you again." It's been 6 months since her break-up and I sense I have some more time to go yet. Thanks again!!
azgirl Posted May 19, 2004 Posted May 19, 2004 You're welcome. And yes, these are guys that I will stay away from. Well, Good Luck with your girl. Sounds like you know her well enough to have a feel for when the time will be right! Hope it works out for you. As for my guy - well, he called today and invited me to a movie and is thinking about coming home with me still (to meet my family) and staying for part of the time that he was supposed to. These are steps in the right direction. Hopefully, all will be well soon. He is amazing (even when he drives me crazy with this type of nonsense) and I love him dearly! Thanks for the well-wishes!
Author Soraca Posted May 20, 2004 Author Posted May 20, 2004 I agree that him coming to meet your family and stay with you part of the time is a step in the right direction. Have you met his family yet? Just make sure he is fighting with you to make this work as I'm sure you know relationships are two-way streets. It does take work to make a relationship last but you'll both want to if you really love each other. One last question...since I and my friend are not in contact right now, I do have a fear. I am struggling with my feelings for her and she is having guilt that I am being hurt, so that's basically why we have mininal contact right now. I guess she'll come back around when she's ready, if she's really interested in me? She has always said that I'm special. I'm afraid the distance may hurt my chances with her?
azgirl Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 Sorry. Have been really sick and haven't been at work. Came to the library today to use the computer. Yes. I have met his family. All of them. Apparently, his mother has been talking badly about me lately. That is how all of this started. She is PISSED that he was planning on coming home to Michigan with me instead of using the time off he has to go to Oklahoma and see her - AGAIN. Because they were just down here for his graduation THREE F-ing weeks ago! AAAHHH! Can you tell that this frustrates me??? She has been out here twice in the last three months, too. I could see if he hadn't seen her at all in a year, but the were all just here. It really irritates me. Plus - I paid for his ticket -$200, I spent on it and they are non-refundable! The past couple of nights between us have been pretty good. And I heard him tell his b***h of a mother last night on the phone that he was probably going to come to MI with me at least for a few days. (First I had heard that he was actually seriously considering it) And then this morning he said "If I go home (to Oklahoma)" IF?? Maybe he is thinking about not going there at all anymore. Anyway. We will see. Well ... how much distance are we talking about? How far apart do you guys live? OR do you mean that you just aren't spending time with one another? That kind of distance? I am not sure how that will affect things. Any new developments?
Author Soraca Posted May 21, 2004 Author Posted May 21, 2004 OK...you first. It sounds like his Mom feels threatened or competition with you? Has he ever been in a serious relationship before? I am wondering if you're the one he's gotten the most serious with and his Mom senses this? It seems like this is the reason she was talking badly about you. This could create some problems, as it seems it had already but they can be overcome. Has his mother only recently talked badly about you or has it always been like this? In the end, if he really loves you, this won't be a problem. My father was never carzy about my Mom's mother and visa versa. Yet they co-existed because of the love that existed. Give me some more details and perhaps I can shed some more light for you? The distance I'm talking about is us not speaking. We didn't have a fight or anything like that. She feels badly and had guilt that I'm being hurt. She said, "I know how you feel and I'm so not there right now." I am struggling with the situation and we basically went for the "no contact rule" while she recovers and heals. Listening to what you and my female friends say, it will take a year or perhaps a little longer for her to fully recover. It's been 6 months since her breakup, so I figure she has some more healing time ahead. I'm banking on her words, "You're everything a girl could want in a man and I just wasn't there because my heart was with someone else. I wish I had waited until I was over all of this before contacting you again." I guess if she is really interested, she'll come back around when she's over everything? Thanks.
Taina Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 I think you are waiting when your girl will be healed and ready for a relationship with you. I suppose it is because you love her and her feelings are important for you. But what would you say about a man, who unlike you, says to a woman - I do love you, I know you are not ready, but in life things are not waiting for you, sometimes you have to make a decision even if you are not ready. So, either you are with me now, or I dissapear from your life forever, even as a friend. Is this love? Is this friendship? How do I react to that? I don't want to lose his friendship and love, but does that means that sacrifices are justified on my part, in the name of love?
Author Soraca Posted May 22, 2004 Author Posted May 22, 2004 It is such a difficult position for someone to be in. He cannot control his feelings and probably doesn't want to go on like this anymore. Sometimes love's timing is not perfect. So, is he someone that you will regret losing one day?
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