RLS Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I found out Saturday that my wife of 5 years is considering divorce. We have a 3 year old son and saying that my heart is broken would obviously be a colossal understatement. We are both older (47/45) and should be more mature but that obviously wasn't the case. We really haven't been right since the birth of my son. We both were very passive easy going people and it flew out the window when the welfare of our son was concerned. We started arguing, both of us yelled and nobody listened, and in retrospect I see that I retreated and avoided confrontation. The last 2 years I hid away and would rather spend time escaping in the world of facebook games spending 4-6 hours a day every day and completely neglected my family and my self. There has been zero intimacy and I am embarrassed to say I just accepted it. Nobody has strayed (as far as I believe) and I want to repair our family. I think another unfortunate issue is she is very good and bottling up her feelings too, she has been sending me emails with xoxox, saying "I love you" right up to a couple of weeks ago. It took the wake-up call that she is considering leaving for me to get my head out of the sand and truly understand what is important. Probably too late, but there is nothing more important for me than my wife and son. I am looking back at my depression and it seems surreal to me, I can't believe I chose negativity because everything was turbulent for the first year or so with a new baby, but she really didn't do anything that deserves lingering anger so I have no clue what the heck I was doing continuing to hide away in a cloud of negative energy. We had our first really open and honest conversation this AM and she told me she's been thinking of leaving for a couple of years now. That was a total surprise - can't say I blame her though. The man I have been lately is not the man I am nor the man I want to be. I am trying to get us in counseling, I actually won't let her walk until we do so because I think it's important for her to understand that communication is a 2-way street and we both failed. My wife is beautiful, vibrant and fun - I didn't even notice when she made the transition from crazy hormonal new mother. I am having trouble concentrating on anything else, any advice that would help me through this would be greatly appreciated! Regards, RLS
toosoft Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Seems to me that you've conquered the first issue, communication. At least you have recognised your faults and spoken about them already. Can you see if your partner will agree to working on things and seek some counselling?? It doesnt sound like anything that cant be fixed.
Author RLS Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 It's sad neither one of us took action years ago, hopefully it's not too late. It sure is nice to have a forum to communicate these challenges, simply putting them down in a semi-public environment is helpful. Regards, RLS
robf1971 Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Nobody has strayed (as far as I believe) RLS You need to eliminate this possibility for sure.
2.50 a gallon Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 RLS There is a chance that you can turn this around. You still might have the inside track, she fell in love with you and had a child with you. Obviously you need to make big changes, just do them, and let your actions speak louder than words. Fleetwood Mac's song "You make lovin fun" is a good place to start. You both have in common the love for your son. Become the best dad he could ever have. Halloween is coming up have you made preparations for celebrating it with the two of you, such as decorating, putting up lights, making halloween cookies? The same thing with Christmas, start now planning on working with her on making this the best Christmas he ever had. And that does not necessarily mean buying him lots of toys, but instead getting involved in celebrating the holiday, again, decorating, lights, christmas cookies. He is old enough that he will begin to make memories. I am retired but I can still remember the excitment of Trick or Treating, and how that lead to Thanksgiving, and that led to taking down the big box in the attic with all of the Christmas lights and decorations.
Author RLS Posted October 28, 2011 Author Posted October 28, 2011 That is great advice, I have started down that path. Every since I figured out what is important I have been spending a lot of quality time with my son but I haven't been involving my wife as much as want to. I like the idea of just doing it, start having fun as a family again and leave the weight of our relationship woes for counseling on Monday.
Author RLS Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 Wanna hear something REALLY REALLY funny? Today we saw a counseller and it went pretty well. We connected, communicated, and had a very effective session. On the way back home we chatted and I confronted her about fidelity, she denied it. I told her about one time I was away on business and had a lovely young lady make herself obviously available to me. I walked away and told WIFE I knew that I couldn't sleep with another woman and then go home and kiss my son and look my wife in the eyes. Well about 30 minutes ago the phone rang, it was her cell but she wasn't talking. I thought she was making her way into the car so I was waiting for the bluetooth to kick in. Then I hear a man's voice and she was extra giggly. Then I hear "I love you" and I hear them kissing and moaning. I called her back after it disconnected, told her I heard everything and she denied it and called me crazy. Then I quoted her exact words. At that point she said she would call me back and hung up. She isn't home yet, I don't know what comes next. Funny how honesty always has a way of surfacing, it's soo much better when it's intentional!
robf1971 Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Wanna hear something REALLY REALLY funny? Today we saw a counseller and it went pretty well. We connected, communicated, and had a very effective session. On the way back home we chatted and I confronted her about fidelity, she denied it. I told her about one time I was away on business and had a lovely young lady make herself obviously available to me. I walked away and told WIFE I knew that I couldn't sleep with another woman and then go home and kiss my son and look my wife in the eyes. Well about 30 minutes ago the phone rang, it was her cell but she wasn't talking. I thought she was making her way into the car so I was waiting for the bluetooth to kick in. Then I hear a man's voice and she was extra giggly. Then I hear "I love you" and I hear them kissing and moaning. I called her back after it disconnected, told her I heard everything and she denied it and called me crazy. Then I quoted her exact words. At that point she said she would call me back and hung up. She isn't home yet, I don't know what comes next. Funny how honesty always has a way of surfacing, it's soo much better when it's intentional! I could have told you she was having an affair from the frist 3 lines of your post. Pack her stuff in boxes and trhow them out, then contact a lawyer and file for separation. Wow she denied it, incredible disrespect to you and your marriage, kick her to the kerb!!!
Surfer203 Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 RLS: Sorry you to had to hear it that way. I'm sure it's worse than if she was honest with you. You will survive though, focus on yourself and your child. Pathetic people cheat on their spouses, especially when they have kids together. Try to keep positive knowing that you are a good person and you deserve much better than what you got!
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