Lost_and_Scared Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Hello everyone, new member here...with some serious issues and in need of advice. Let me lay out the story, one I'm sure you've all heard and read about before. I've been with my wife for nearly 12 years now, married for 9. We have 2 wonderful children together (4 and almost 2), they are the love of our lives. A couple weeks ago we had an argument about finances (I'm the sole breadwinner in the house - she works as a massage therapist, but work is spotty for her right now). During the course of this discussion she said flat out that she wants a divorce, she said she doesn't love me anymore, that I'm great as a friend but suck as a partner. I did and still do have an issue with quitting smoking that I've lied to her about in the past...call me a closet smoker if you so desire. I've tried quitting numerous time throughout the course of our relationship, sometimes for a year or more, but always seem to end up starting again. I guess I've tried to hide it from her hoping I can fully kick the habit and no longer have it be an issue. She is steadfast and can't stand smoking. She has said that if she had known t was going to be this way she never would have stayed with me or married me. I finally came clean about it and admitted my shortcomings with it, but she has said it's too little too late. We donstruggle with money, but somehow always manage to get by. She is home with the kids most of the day so I know that wears on her, and I take over as soon as I ge home from work every night, allowing her to "get away" in her own way. Sometimes she goes to the gym, other times she just heads off to the bedroom with her kindle. We havent had much of a sex life since our kids were born. She didt feel like being intimate while nursing, saying the kids always beig at her affected rungs. I can understand that and let it be, occasionally trying to woo her in bed or offer up a shower together, but never pressing the issue. Finally we decided it would be best if I had a vasectomy, since one of the few time we had sex after my daughter was born and weaned resulted in our son (even with protection). I agreed with her as we didn't want anymore kids at that juncture. We had both agreed we were done and didn't want to have to worry about it. Mind you, our relationship was good at this time (at least I thought it was) After our spat, she also told me, after we both cooled off, that when she found out she was pregnant with our daughter she considered leaving then...that was a heck of a blow! Anyway, I have sought help quitting for keeps this time, and have also asked her for support in this, to which I get no reply. I'm really at a loss here, I love my wife dearly, and would do anything to save our marriage. Yes I know it is a case of you reap what you sow, but I need to figure out a way to bring her back into "us". Please help!
Author Lost_and_Scared Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 Some more details, since I lied to her and hid the smoking thing, she also says she can't trust me and doesn't believe anything I say. Personally I think its a bit harsh, but I'm trying to understand things from her point of view as well. I lied - she found out, I quit. Some time passes and I start again hiding it a lying about it again - she finds out and says she wants out. We work things out (at least I thought we did). I finally come clean saying I'm still fighting with this demon. I can't take Chantix as it conflicts with my anti-epilepsy drugs. She thinks I'm cheating on her and have "another family" somewhere since I'm always running to the store to get little odds and ends we need around the house late at night. Yet she's the one that asks me to go get stuff. Its easier for me to do it than for her to pack up and haul the kids out during the day. I don't mind and I'm only usually gone for a half hour or so (drive to store, get stuff, wait in line to pay, drive home). I've shown her the receipts, she has seen all the bank statements. I've told her that if I had another family somewhere wouldn't you expect to see some money going out somewhere that is unaccounted for? I didn't say it in an accusatory manner, just said it matter of factly. I've finally found a support circle that is really helping me kick smoking - I've been off them for 2 weeks now and haven't found myself really craving one at all. In the past I've at least found myself wanting one after the first week, so this is a good sign. I relay this to her and she brushes it off with a "whatever you say" kind of look. I'm so confused. She will talk to me about things we have coming up as if there was nothing wrong, we have dinner as a family each night, etc... We sit and watch TV together (albiet on opposite ends of the couch). I try to get her to move a little closer and she ignores me. She has been sleeping in our daughter's bedroom on the spare bed since our fight and doesn't even acknowledge me when I say goodbye in the morning. I don't try to kiss her or force any affection on her, I just say goodbye and I'll see you after work. I'm scared for my kids, I think my daughter has picked up that something is wrong, she told me the other night while I was reading her a story at bedtime that she love me and mommy and wants to keep us both...guess we can't keep it secret from them as well as we thought. I've tried reassuring her that no matter what happens its not her or her brother's fault, but she's only 4 so I don't know if she gets it just yet. Its tearing me apart to be living like this. We put on a "everything's ok" face in public but then it goes right back to ice cold on her end as soon as we're out of the public eye (so to speak). I just really really want to figure out what I can do or say to open her eyes and ears that I am really trying to fix me. I know we've grown and changed, but my feelings for her haven't weakened in the slightest. I still love her as much as I did 12 years ago, if not more. She is diagnosed bipolar and doesn't want to go back on medication (it messed her up pretty bad), so I can't blame her. She outright refuses the suggestion of a MC. I've started seeing an IC through work to try to discover what is wrong with me. I know some of you are going to say nothing is wrong, but its sure how I feel. I have to do something to alleviate the stress this is putting on me, as elevated stress levels are a known trigger for my seizures. I've considered separation, but neither of us really has anywhere to go and we can't afford to have one of us get an apartment somewhere, so we are kinda stuck under the same roof. I think it could help us, but I also think it could potentially be another nail in the coffin for our relationship. Suggestions / advice?
Steen719 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Bipolar and not on meds is really not a good idea. Many people do not like the way the meds affect them (or they feel so good) so they decide not to take them, which of course, ends up with them needing again because of their symptoms. It is a life-long problem. This could be contributing to her state of mind. However, the thing about smoking really confuses me. So many of us are dealing with spouses who have cheated or walked away or something that has thrown us for a loop, that, while I know smoking is bad for you, etc., it seems like an excuse. I could understand if you were doing drugs, gambling, drinking excessively, but smoking? Also, the fact that she almost left you before she found out about being pregnant with your daughter indicates she has been unhappy for a while. It is just hard for me to believe that it is all about the smoking and lying about it. IDK...I just think something else is not right here. It is either her bipolar (and you would probably know if this is it since you know her) or something else. I know it is serious, but I wish I had just had to deal with my H smoking and lying about quitting instead of another woman. I cannot imagine this being an impetus for me leaving him. Sorry for your situation. I know it hurts. Good luck.
Author Lost_and_Scared Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Ok, I was told that we have nothing left but our kids... I think its over. I'm not pushing the issue at all, and can only do my thing and keep my fingers crossed. I think I can only hope for the best but anticipate the worst at this stage. I've got to figure out a way to get us into MC, somehow...
Author Lost_and_Scared Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 I guess this is more cathartic than anything since I was hoping for a little more input on things. I know my story is disconnected and perhaps hard to follow...I apologize for that, its how my mind is working since the open statement was made. Last night we sat for a couple hours and watched television together and were just fine together. We were actually talking and laughing together, even though it was about meaningless stuff, it was still fun to laugh with her. After we had enough television she just got up and went to bed without a word. She came back downstairs a short while later and asked me to come look at the way our daughter had fallen asleep. It was cute. Anyway, she said through the course of conversation that she had nodthing left, that there is nothing between us but the kids. I asked her why and she said "because you don't trust me". Whoa - what??? She was the one accusing me of having "another family". During our heated arguement last week I did, in response to this accusation, say "If I really wanted to I could say the same thing about you, constantly going to these random guys houses to do massages. But since I trust you and know you the thought never really crossed my mind" Those were my exact words, I remember them clear as day. I wanted to rebut her saying I didn't trust her, but all I could say was, "I'm sorry you feel that way because I have never not trusted you." At which point she simply closed the bedroom door in my face (didn't slam it, just closed it), and went to bed. I'm not the snooping type of person, but since she won't communicate with me about "us" other than to say she's only here because of the kids and our committments we have locally, I'd love to get my hands on her cell phone to read her text messages. She's been communicating with an old friend from high school a lot. I'm not worried about him being a "replacement" for me as I've known the guy almost as long as she has. I'd just be interested in seeing what she has to say. Perhaps I could get some idea of what I'm doing wrong or what I need to do in order to "draw her out" of this shell she's put herself in when it comes to me. I know it shouldn't all be on me, but I'm the one that lied in the first place and continued to do so. She said it herself and I can't argue it..."there is only so many times someone can be lied to before they say that's it I have enough". I'm trying to find a way to get her to realize the lies were ONLY about the smoking, nothing more. I've been cheated on in the past and would never do that to someone. It just ain't cool in my book! Yes I've been going on and on about this for several posts, and I'm sure you all are tired of reading the same story over and over again...I just don't have anyone here to talk to and since I found this community and have read some posts out there I decided why not...can't hurt. I really don't care who our there knows my story, as sad and messed up as it is. I just want her back. Plain and simple. I want her to love me again. I want my family back. I'm not pushing anything with her, hoping that if I give her as much space as I can (as I said before we can't afford to "separate" into different locations) she will be able to see that I'm not this pathological liar she seems to think I am... I gratefully appreciate any responses regardless of positive / negative.
worldgonewrong Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 First of all, that smoking stuff is a...well, smoke screen for her own issues. it ain't about you. And when people cheat or check out on you, they're inclined to put ALL of the blame on you. So "smoking" becomes some ridiculous breaking point, which masks the REAL stuff going on. She's been communicating with an old friend from high school a lot. I'm not worried about him being a "replacement" for me as I've known the guy almost as long as she has. Yeah...BIG red flag. If she's shut you out and not communicating with you...and communicating with the old friend, it's trouble. Not saying that there's something bigger or more sinister going on, but that is HUGE. Look, like a lot of people who were dumped or in the process of being dumped, I put it ALL on me. With my wife's 'help'. They want to put it ALL on you because it distracts from their own culpability and deficiencies. It becomes all about YOU having to change & do all the heavy work, while they go off on their merry way. By the time you're finished tearing your hair out and self-flagellating yourself and working SO hard to correct your own behavior, they REALLY (most of the time, it seems) don't give a flying f___k because - in their minds - they already euthanized the marriage/relationship. I feel your hurt and sorrow, believe me. If it's any consolation, please: do not try to make sense out of insanity. It will tie you up in knots; and meanwhile she's not really caring at all.
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