BLuvv Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 First of all, I have to thank everyone who has responded to me when I had my weak moment and when I called him. Honestly, you all have been so supportive and helpful. No one in my life understands so well the pain I am feeling. I still haven't answered his text. I had called and he didn't answer and he just answered saying what's up and he's been extremely busy. I feel so insulted that he thinks I am so stupid to not realize he is busy for all this time with another girl. All the times he refused to include me in his life, I'm sure he was going around with this other girl. I wonder if anyone knows I was still in the picture. I almost even sent the girl a message to say he's still been sleeping with me. I just am so broken. I was sticking with no contact, but each day just got harder and every day I wondered and hoped he would call or even just text. I told my sister what happened and she says I need to find someone new, but I just can't move on like that. I'm so low right now, I couldn't even fake being okay or interested in anyone. I mean I would love to have someone but it's just not good now. Even seeing a psychiatrist and I still can't get my sh*t together. I just don't know where to go from here. I just feel like I am drained and he's doing just fine without me. It never mattered to him how much I was there for him, that I always packed my things and went to his place, over and over and over again. And I just keep doing selfdestructive things. It's true what he once told me though, if I don't like the way I am, how could he ever like the way I am. It cut me so bad, he may be right, but it just felt so cruel. I am already beating myself up and he just confirmed it, I am not lovable the way I am.
Chi townD Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Okay, so now you know. He's doing fine without you. I don't mean to sound harsh but he's moving on with his life with out too much thought about you. So, you have your answer. NOW IT'S TIME!!!! Heal from this, learn from this experience. You have sooo much to offer to someone that's WORTH your time and effort. You've obviouslt prove that you a kind and compassionate woman and any guy would be lucky to have you. I meant guy (not the douche rocket you contacted). You're right. Don't start dating until you're ready. Any sooner and it's not fair to you or the guy you're dating. You're gonna pull through this.
Author BLuvv Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 @chi you are right, as always. I just knew in my heart there must be someone else, he has never gone this long without talking to me. I guess I just had to find out the hard way and stop living in denial wishing that he still cares about me. And I know, I would be better off spending my time and energy on someone who is worth it. I don't know why I worry so much about him, he is perfectly happy without me and he doesn't need me. I wished he would care about me the way I cared about him. I realize too last night that I have not ever been able to set healthy boundaries, I let people break them all the time because I am scared to lose them. If I don't go to his house, or see the movie he wants, I might lose him. Then I get hurt and disappointed and go into putting up walls and don't let anyone in anymore. But it is my own fault for letting people walk all over me. And thats the thing, it's not just my ex, but even friends take advantage of me. I could write a whole long story about how my best friend betrayed me and I still get upset about that. I guess I worry I am too damaged to be fixed. And I have lost the joy in life. I have tried so many antidepressants I think I have become numb to them. I just want to be content and not scared and anxious and depressed anymore.
Author BLuvv Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 Now the one sales guy who is such a jerk went off on me at work. Yelling at me for something I can't control. I'm losing it and crying at work. I just want out of this nightmare.
Chi townD Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 GaryRocks is right. Do me a favor, I want you to make a small list of things that YOU always wanted to do. Post it here. Think of something you wanted to try out or make or something that sparked your interest but you never followed through. I.E.... have you ever wanted to whitewater raft, go dog sledding, do a cattle drive, start up a saltwater fish tank, sky dive, join a co-ed softball team... Something...think about it and post it here. Something for you and just for you.
reallypo Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 bluvv, people on this site may view me as idk...a "destructive" person by giving you this....and i can feel the replies coming now...lol. but if he WAS sleeping w/ you (cheating on u) while with her (cheating on her--given if she didn't know)...why not tell the girl. be upfront, but don't be mean. say something along the lines of? "i just have a question, my ex(name) did not break up with until (date). were you with him while he was still with me? or did you know that I was still around?" whether she replies, cares, surprised, or not....who cares. if she didn't know about you...then she does now. and you just placed a "tear" in their relationship and gave her trusting issues. revenge is fun and it will make you feel better. but if she knew all along...then she's a bee eye tee see h. my ex cheated on me with a person he worked with. i told all his co-workers cuz its kinda embarrassing in that particular work setting to have any type of affair amongst the small grp. and she's kinda known as the loser at work and she's nasty ugly. so he'll at least feel uncomfortable in a work setting. i know him well enough that he likes his personal life personal...and that he woulda secretly dated her. no secret no more. i told him i told his workers (at least i was honest hehe)...and he was like, "great, you just now started drama for me at work, i guess I deserve it"). well boo-hoo! woopie sad! while i was crying everynight to sleep, he was out sleeping with another girl. now his work conditions are "uncomfortable?"....serves him right! my revenge was sweet because i went from sad, lonely, depressed, to now still hurt, but yet i'm completely over him and will never take him back. and i feel 100x much better. i don't suggest doing anything that will actually ruin someone's life...like getting him fired or anything....or anything illegal. know your boundaries when u plant revenge.
Author BLuvv Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 Thanks, Gary and Chi. I will work on a list. Honestly, I never thought much about what I want to do all this time. I just went with what my ex wanted to do. Ugh...trying to pull myself together and go look like a professional again. So much work sh*t going on today. I haven't even had a chance to eat lunch.
Author BLuvv Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 @reallypo: Actually, we were broken up for a full year, but still sleeping together. It was very on-off again type of relationship. He would dump me and come back 3 days later and want me back and get upset if I ignored him. Then I finally said I was done about a year ago. But I put up with being a fwb while all I wanted was a commitment, but he got what he wanted, sex with no commitment. Honestly, it crossed my mind to message the girl and say something to her. But I feel like it's a bad idea. I don't want to make myself look bad and look like the crazy ex. I already feel crazy as it is. He will just get mad at me and she will think I am looney. Also, I think karma takes care of things, it isn't my place. If someone was asking me, then yes I will tell the truth. But who knows, maybe even though he swore those uptight religious types who wait til marriage he would never date, maybe she will end up being perfect for him. I don't want to hurt him, I still love him. The girl I could not give a sh*t about, but it would hurt him and I don't want to sink to that level.
reallypo Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 well i def commend you for being a better person than me. i am the "crazy" ex...but i needed to do something to open my eyes and realize he did me wrong...because i was so sad and pathetic, crying for him, missing him...when afterall...he could care less for me...used me. so he ruined my time when i was crying over him for his selfish reasons. i was selfish too and ruined his reputation. but in reality, he ruined his own. i was just the paparazzi.
Author BLuvv Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 @reallypo: I can definitely understand and I would be lying if said the thought never crossed my mind. Of course, there was that moment where I wanted to shame him to this girl. But it wouldn't be right and I would look like a fool letting him sleep with me and we weren't even together. So technically he wouldn't even be cheating. And I did end it, the last time, so techniically I dumped him. Even though he had dumped me twice before because he couldn't figure out what he wanted. I guess he kept me around bc it made him feel good and I made it so easy. I set myself up for being taken for granted, I have no one to be mad at but myself.
geegirl Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 (edited) B, you've received great advice but I want to tell you to please not contact the woman. First of all, you have to take accountability for putting yourself in that position of letting him use you. It has nothing to do with her. She will learn from her dealings with him. If you were in an R with him and he cheated on you, I can understand your need to know. You know he wanted sex without commitment, and you enabled it. You knew what you were getting into. He had no commitment with you. I have a feeling you want to say something because 1) you want her to see him the way you judge him and hopefully she will leave and that opens him up to you 2) you want him to suffer the possible loss of her and that will help ease your pain to see him in pain. The thing is if you tell her, she will run to him, he will alleaviate her doubts and she will believe him and in the end you will look bitter and vengeful. Please stay away from her and him and let them be. Don't contact him anymore. It's time to move on. As painful as it is. Edited October 25, 2011 by geegirl
MizHoney2U Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 It will do you no good to share anything with the other girl... you will end up feeling even worse. they may fuss, fight, but then conclude that you were being malicious and in turn draw closer. then how will you feel. to this point you have not given up your dignity... don't do it now... yes it hurts... but you will recover and be stronger because of it. cut your losses. hurt till you get tired of hurting then pick yourself up and be that woman you were before you met him... he surely didn't take her with him. Be well and good luck.
Author BLuvv Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 @geegirl and mizhoney: thanks, I already realize I know it's my fault im in this posititon, and I would only look bad contacting this girl. It crossed my mind, but I have never gotten involved in anything like that and I certainly don't want a liar to cause me to do soemthing so low. It will do no good. Karma will take care of things.
Author BLuvv Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 He just texted again to ask if I got his text.
Author BLuvv Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 Ahhh it's still driving me crazy. I can't ignore messages. I wanted to talk to him. On a good note, my boss let me leave early and I told her about the sales rep who was so rude and she praised me for always being professional and said he wasn't right to talk to people that way, so she would let someone know to talk to him. And I told her I was upset about personal stuff with my ex, didn't go into details. But I love my boss, she is actually so sweet and understanding. Im lucky, I was having a sh*t day but she really said such nice things about my work. I reached out to my one friend and made plans to hang out and she was so nice too. I know I get in these modes of anxiety and I forget everything that is good. Pretty much no one can calm me down when I get like that. I wish I didn't get so worked up about things.
bluee Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Do you think that things would change if you talked to him? It hurts with every heartbeat but DON'T look back. I actually got this from a song. With every heartbeat by Robyn. I'm kind of going through the same thing. I feel lost. I deleted my fb a year ago and managed to walk around (unfortunately like a zombie, so weak) for 8 month without any contact with him and I thought I was getting over him..I really thought I was moving on efter 7 month. But then he reached out and I went back to him..so easily. I should have learned from my past, because he stamped my heart again..and it's been 2 weeks since I spoke to him the last time. It's like my mind has decided to forget him but my heart won't let him go, and that is why it hurts so bad, and I'm having a very HARD time accepting that he doesn't really want me in the same way I want him. It is driving me crazy because I miss him badly and really want to talk to him. I don't want to stay in this black hole anymore but I want him! But this isn't the way things are supposed to be. So I'm trying to stick to the don't-look-back-advise right now. It's all I got. Just don't look back. I think it would be better for you to NOT contact the girl or him.
MizHoney2U Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 How about you tell him... yes reply next time... that as much as you care about him, you want him to be happy even if it means with someone else...and he needs to stop contacting you... and if you were with him you would not appreciate him contacting an ex and you're sure his current wouldn't appreciate it... grin and bear it.
geegirl Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 (edited) What do you need to talk to him about that is not going to hurt you all over again. You know it's going to open a door again and the aftermath is not going to be pretty. The only reason he is reaching out is because he's wondering if you're back again to play on his terms, hoping he can rope you back in for another round of fun. Don't give him that. And any questions that you have, he will not give you the answers you want. A man who cheats is not going to be upfront with you about his behaviors and motives. If you want to pick at the wound again, then contact him. But know that the moment you talk to him, it's downhill again from there and a painful climb back up again. Nothing changes. After talking to him, you'll be right back where you started, only this time, feeling more hurt than you did before you broke NC. Nothing changes, nothing changes, nothing changes. It's a choice B. A choice to feel this temporary pain and get to a better place or to keep yourself stuck indefinitely, and you've been there and done that. Do something different, step away versus engaging as you have always done. You've spent 1 year being with someone who used and manipulated you. Do you really want to spend more of your life and time on someone who basically treated you like a plaything? Edited October 26, 2011 by geegirl
eleanorhurting Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Hey girl. You are human. You fell. Pick yourself right up. You will get stronger. Talking to him right now will only hurt so much more in the future. I was there for a couple of months i cant imagine how bad it must have been to be there for a year. Think of how he used you and as much as it HURTS LIKE HELL (because I know it does), you really dont deserve that and you don't want that in the end! You will be stronger from this. Just pick yourself right up and go NC again! You are a good girl and you deserve so much better than what this person gave you.
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