Rorschach64 Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Do yourself a favor and dig deep down. find the intestinal fortitude and work on this relationship if you feel like you wish to marry the dude, there has to be qualities in this man that inspire you to want to be his wife! Listen to wilsonx, woman up here, and acknowledge no relationship is perfect. Do what is right.
Almond_Joy Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Warning, you can not change people, its not going to happen. I can tell you from your original post that there is no communication besides complaining. You have no clear personal boundaries because you continue to allow the behavior even though it bothers you and now you are seeking validation from others for you to jump over that fence. Agree with point 1: She can't change anybody. All she can do is express her concerns, which she said she's done. Her bf has to make the decision that he wants to change for reasons of his own - not solely because that's what will make her happy. There's a possibility he doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior. If that's the case, then if anybody should be blamed for not setting up proper personal boundaries, it should be the bf - because he's allowing someone else to harp on him about how he conducts himself and changing how he acts to make someone else happy instead of defending how he conducts himself and making it clear he won't change his behavior. On the second point....how can you tell that she has not explicitly stated that his behavior is a concern for her? I understand there's a difference between complaining about something and succintly stating an issue, but I don't see what about what she's said leads you to conclude without a doubt that she has not done the latter. She specifically states, in a later post: These are not NEW issues but things that I have continually addressed as concerns for me, things he has promised to work on and have continually fallen short. That doesn't sound like aimless complaining to me....are you implying that she's "embellishing" the truth about how she interacts with him or what?
wilsonx Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 (edited) Honestly Almond_Joy, you had some great points here but I think there is something else not being said. I honestly think this is a "I love you but not in love with you" anymore thread and she is leaving something out. And theres reasoning behind it, #1 She refers to him as a great guy but fails to show anything positive towards him besides that, he's a great guy. #2 She lists only complaints about him. #3 shes seeking validation from others to end the relationship. Any emotionally mature person without any guilt would have walked away by now but I am pretty sure shes hiding something big that she feels guilty about and thats why shes doing whats called transference now and showing herself as the victim rather then the dumper. So I am going to bluntly say it, theres another guy for the biggest reason I wanted to see how this thread played out but here it is in her first post. Or do I ask for space and suggest we have different places to live? The title of this thread in general is basically "Grass is greenier on the other side" which always refers to another person Edited October 26, 2011 by wilsonx
Thieves Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I know I am not perfect but I am very laid back and have great communication. He lacks the good communications skills and maturity. I have sat in 7 hours of traffic with him to say at eh last stretch to our VACATION "we might as well turn around and go home" Passive aggressive behavior that is wearing me down and I am afraid that I will resent him as much as I am afraid I will lose a great guy for indifference so small as these. In my opinion, you may as well end it now. This does not sound good. To be honest, I'm getting a bit weary of similar threads like these, and this is one of the few I've replied to. As others have said, it sounds as if some people are simply fishing for justification to end their relationships so they don't feel as bad afterwards. When really, they've already made their mind up. As if they come here to point out why they're not really the bad guy, and they want most of us to nod our heads and wait for them to pull the (proverbial) trigger on the relationship. You have basically made your mind up. I completely understand you come here to get advice and see what other people think about your situation, we all do. But you don't seem to be open to what others are saying. Just remember not to drag someone along because of your own indecision. If you have several more negative things to say about your partner than positive, and it's apparent you do, then that's probably a sign that you should not be with them. Period.
Thieves Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 OP, do not settle just because you think since he is kind and respectful he should be exempt from fulfilling other requirements. There are plenty of men out there who will be kind and respectful and at the same time will have goals, self-respect and a life of their own. This guy has nothing to offer, he is obsessive, passive and personally, I wouldn't continue dating him. Do what is best for you, not what these bitter men in here want you to do. Leave him and find exactly what you want. Don't settle. No, we're not all wrong. Okay, so she wants a "stand-up man" who has a strong sense of self-respect, who has goals in mind, and... who can write a resume. No one's denying her the fact that she can have that. I don't believe anyone is telling her to settle for less than the man that she desires to be with. What we're trying to say is that she should either communicate with him properly, try to make the changes that are possible and make the relationship work... or if she can't do that, or doesn't desire to, then to leave the relationship instead of dragging things on. Instead of stringing him along while she continues to complain about him negatively, and while she wades in her own indecision and dissatisfaction of him. In every relationship, there needs to be some sort of balance, but it's clear from what she has written that one person is much more into the other here to where it's having a bad impact on the relationship. If she doesn't feel they are on the same page anymore, then she should end things and not move to LA with him - because that would be stringing him along. Just as she deserves a better man who will 'step up' for her, he deserves just as much to be with someone who cherishes what he has to offer and doesn't nit-pick his personality. In the end, it's all summed up in the first line of her post: I get so sad sometimes when I think of my future with my boyfriend. No matter how hard things are with your partner, you shouldn't be thinking that if you honesty love them.
Thieves Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 I think you all are wrong. Anyway, she isn't "nit-picking" his personality. He simply isn't right for her, it is that simple and there is nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't date him either. It isn't nit-picking, it's legitimate incompatibilities. Either you're right for a person or you're not. Well, I agree with you on that. It really is simple. You may have a few incompatibilities with someone, and you can either communicate and put in the effort to make it work if you feel they aren't dealbreakers, or leave and find someone better suited for you. So if it is legitimate incompatibilites, then what is really stopping her from making a final decision here?
TheDovic Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 This guy has either GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) or SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder). Look them up online and see if things start to make sense! Both can be controlled with anti-anxiety medication and/or Cognitive Behavioual Therapy. I know this because I used to be exactly like this... I'm not anymore, but I remember acting like a wuss and making excuses all the time to get out of things at the last minute. This is fully curable within a short period of time so give him a break if he agrees to get help because you might just find he turns into the exact man you want! PS, these disorders frequently accompany depression
Thieves Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Because she's been brainwashed by society to think that just because a man opens doors for you and is nice to you (or in their case, is suffocating) then he is a good man and and thus she should stay with him regardless of the other incompatibilities. She thinks he is the only man that will be nice to her, and everyone in here is confirming her thoughts and furthering her confusion by telling her that since he is a "nice guy", she should stay with him, that she would make a big mistake, and yada yada, bs, bs, bs... Being a human and probably relatively young, she is confused and needs guidance (doesn't everyone?) So now, it is my job to snap her out of this confusion and let her know that yes, it is in fact okay to dump him, what she is feeling is also okay, and she has every right to search for what it is she truly wants and needs in a man. He is out there. It is now up to her to make a decision. I don't believe she's been brainwashed. I also don't think she's that naive to think she should stay with someone regardless of incompatibilities. She said she's 31, Lala. Not saying that this makes her stereotypically "old", not at all, but at least old enough and experienced to know by now that he is not the only man who will be "nice to her." He cooks for her, cleans for her, is kind to her, and so on. Alright, so it's obvious that she does think he is a good guy, despite their incompatibilities. And that may be true. So I don't think it's a matter of her being somehow "deceived" to settle for a surface image of what society deems to be a good man. I honestly don't see where the other posters have gone wrong. Of course it's okay to dump him, she's not forced to be with him. But what I got from other users' posts was that they think she is perhaps being too quick to throw away something without attempting to work on it, without trying to figure out what's really wrong. Because believe it or not, some people on here do know that some work is required at times to keep relationships going. It's not always easy, or completely pleasant. Some people do know that there is a way to communicate effectively, and a way not to. God forbid she ends up breaking up with this man over what she feels to be incompatibilities now, and then realizes that the situation was fixable.
Almond_Joy Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Honestly Almond_Joy, you had some great points here but I think there is something else not being said. I honestly think this is a "I love you but not in love with you" anymore thread and she is leaving something out. And theres reasoning behind it, #1 She refers to him as a great guy but fails to show anything positive towards him besides that, he's a great guy. #2 She lists only complaints about him. #3 shes seeking validation from others to end the relationship. Any emotionally mature person without any guilt would have walked away by now but I am pretty sure shes hiding something big that she feels guilty about and thats why shes doing whats called transference now and showing herself as the victim rather then the dumper. So I am going to bluntly say it, theres another guy for the biggest reason I wanted to see how this thread played out but here it is in her first post. The title of this thread in general is basically "Grass is greenier on the other side" which always refers to another person Understood, thanks for elaborating.
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