tstarfly Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I get so sad sometimes when I think of my future with my boyfriend. I love being with someone that treats me the way I want to be...kind considerate, loving will do anything for me really. He cooks and cleans and does things that I ask him to do around the house and with our dogs. But sometimes there are issues with social awkwardness that frustrates me beyond belief. For example we went to dinner with my parents and my best friend and her boyfriend. Right before we went out he said he didn't feel well. I looked him in the eye (this isn't the first time) and said do you want to stay home? He said no, I asked if he was going to have fun tonight he said yes. Well long story short he sat there all night not fine and obviously like something was wrong but wouldn't say and would just reply with "i'm fine"...so I guess its not social awkwardness as it is just rude and uncomfortable for everyone. Its embarrassing. Turns out he had indigestion which I believe bc he didn't touch his food or have anything to drink. But not everytime we go out just sometimes these incidents happen and always with my friends I feel. I do not treat his friends like that I buck up and put on a happy face or stay home. The other issue is that I am driving my career and chasing my goals whereas my bf's goals are to make me happy and be with me forever. This I don't understand nor is it very attractive to me. On one hand I have never had a guy treat me like this and on the other hand I don't feel like I am with a grab the bull by the horns kind of guy. We moved to Arkansas from Ca. for a job I took only after dating 5 months. He didn't want to lose me and moved out. I am 31 and this was the first time I moved in with a bf as well. There was alot of overwhelming struggle with this, he was depressed in the beginning and very emotional. Now a year later I got my promotion and will be moving back to Ca. as planned. Over the last few months I have been interviewing with different options and he has known to look for work in either SF or LA. Well now here I am with the job and moving to LA and the guy has not even finished his resume. Last night I offer to cook dinner and do the laundry so that he can take the time to do it and after 2 hours I look at the cover letter and it does not even make sense....I whip one out for him in 6 minutes... I am so at a loss as to what to do. Do I move to LA with him and see how things pan out in a familiar environment. Or do I ask for space and suggest we have different places to live? I love him and don't want to hurt him but I have this underlying feeling that this is not what I want bc I have complained about these two issues as my biggest concerns and they continually come up. I also know relationships are not perfect and take work, and am afraid of giving up a good thing only to find I have made a huge mistake. . He knows he wants to marry me and I am so on the fence. Please help! Ambivalent
stillafool Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Basically you don't want to be his mother you want a MAN! There's nothing wrong with that my dear. Your guy sounds extremely needy and I can't imagine what it would be like if you had to deal with him and kids. I see this wearing you down eventually and a break up.
Rorschach64 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I don't think this unsalvageable! Talk to him about this and work on it but if he continues to show no improvement....well then time to leave. Just going to say if you love the guy give him a chance to fix himself.
leoc1973 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 So this guy is great, treats you great, loves you to death and because he felt a little uncomfortable around your parents and got heartburn you wanna break up with him? There are 2 types of guys.. Guys like your guy and those "grab the bull by the horns guys" those are the guys that play around with other women and treat you like you are property more than like you are his better half. Here is what you are gonna do... I have read it a million times. You are gonna break this guys heart. Go out with one of those alpha male dickheads get used while he is using about 4 other women at the same time or maybe even end up with a new guy for a little while he will cheat or only wanna hang out with his friends or go partying or play golf while you sit at home and you will be back on here in 6 months wondering why you were so stupid to dump that great guy just cause he had a few things that bothered you. He will have moved on and you won't be able to get him back and then you will complain to all your friends why you can't just find a nice guy or why are all the good ones taken. Well while some of you throw away all the nice guys there are other girls that are a lot smarter and keep them. This is pretty much the story of me and my ex. She is regretting it right now and even tho I am hurting I won't give her a second chance. Sorry for the rant but you are about to make a huge mistake.
KathyM Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 He is who he is, and you're not going to change him. He is very insecure and that keeps him from wanting to socialize with others and from pursuing plans for himself other than being with you. Eventually, this type of behavior will cause you to lose respect for him and be so frustrated with him, that you will want to end it. You already are feeling that way. It will not improve over time. I'd suggest going your separate ways when you get to LA., and don't invest more time in the relationship.
Rorschach64 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Pretty much also gonna agree with leo here too on top of what I said. Communication is key in any relationship. Youre partners, battle buddies, batman and robin! Help him over come his social awkwardness and help him with his job issues but dont spoon feed the boy.
YouNeverKnow86 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 So this guy is great, treats you great, loves you to death and because he felt a little uncomfortable around your parents and got heartburn you wanna break up with him? There are 2 types of guys.. Guys like your guy and those "grab the bull by the horns guys" those are the guys that play around with other women and treat you like you are property more than like you are his better half. Here is what you are gonna do... I have read it a million times. You are gonna break this guys heart. Go out with one of those alpha male dickheads get used while he is using about 4 other women at the same time or maybe even end up with a new guy for a little while he will cheat or only wanna hang out with his friends or go partying or play golf while you sit at home and you will be back on here in 6 months wondering why you were so stupid to dump that great guy just cause he had a few things that bothered you. He will have moved on and you won't be able to get him back and then you will complain to all your friends why you can't just find a nice guy or why are all the good ones taken. Well while some of you throw away all the nice guys there are other girls that are a lot smarter and keep them. This is pretty much the story of me and my ex. She is regretting it right now and even tho I am hurting I won't give her a second chance. Sorry for the rant but you are about to make a huge mistake. Leoc, What exactly happened in your situation? Why did your ex leave? How long did it take for her to realize she made a mistake? Did you beg and plead for awhile?
sunshine103 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I don't think this unsalvageable! Talk to him about this and work on it but if he continues to show no improvement....well then time to leave. Just going to say if you love the guy give him a chance to fix himself. I agree with Rorschach64 and Leo. What you are going through with him is definitely salvageable if you just sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel. Communication is key in all relationships. Once that is gone, everything begins to falls apart. Let him fix himself, give him a hand on things you would like for him to accomplish without complaining. If he sees those things are really bothering and he LOVES YOU, he will tell you and make an effort to change. If he doesn't do it, then walk away saying that you tried. What you're going through with your man is nothing! No relationship is 100% perfect. NONE!
KathyM Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 If the guy has insecurity issues or social anxiety, that is not going to change by talking things out with him. He needs professional counseling to help him to overcome that. And taking on the role of motivator to him is also not the answer. If he is not self-motivating, and it sounds like that is the case, she will be putting herself into the role of a mother who is continually nagging a child, rather than an equal. If he doesn't have motivation for himself, she can't instill it in him. His personality, from what she's said, is passive, unmotivated, and isolating. He has other good qualities, but those things mentioned are definately a red flag. I don't mean to be a pessimist here, but seeing things realisticly is probably the best course. A person's personality doesn't normally change. A person's ability to motivate himself is pretty much a personal characteristic that is only within the control of the guy himself. I don't think she should try to take on the role of motivator. That has to come from within him.
sunshine103 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Kathy, where does she say that he has "social anxiety". According to what Tstrfly said, "Right before we went out he said he didn't feel well" and "Turns out he had indigestion which I believe bc he didn't touch his food or have anything to drink." You cant assume that he social anxiety because he didn't feel well and he went and put his best face on. Which wasn't good enough. If you automatically think negative, everything is gonna seem negative. Communication is key to any relationship. Why is wrong with communicating with him and finding out exactly what the problem is instead of automatically condemning him and taking on a pessimistic approach. She did say he has good qualities that she likes, why not try to find out the core of the problem and perhaps seek help for him, if needed. There is no "I" in team, so there is nothing wrong with your teammate giving you a little push to get you started.
wilsonx Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I love him and don't want to hurt him but I have this underlying feeling that this is not what I want bc I have complained about these two issues as my biggest concerns and they continually come up. I also know relationships are not perfect and take work, and am afraid of giving up a good thing only to find I have made a huge mistake. . He knows he wants to marry me and I am so on the fence. Please help! Ambivalent I read a lot of the responses on this thread and there were some good points but this is a key point to where I think you lack in your communication with him. I bolded my key point in this from what you said. There is no communication, just complaining. You know I can see my likeness in him and compare you to my ex. Complaining is not communicating. He doesn't understand it. It actually puts way more pressure on him because he loves you unconditionally and accepts you for who you are while you have all these little things that you have the need to complain about that in the grand scheme of things, aren't that big of a deal. So what? He can't type a cover letter out? Thats pety! Did he cheat on you or lie to you? Probably not. He wasn't feeling good to go out to dinner with you, your friends, and your family, but guess what he did it anyway at his own discomfort. Did you give him any credit for that? Probably not. Something along the lines of "Hey, I am glad you came out tonight with my family and friends even though you weren't feeling well" You are only looking at the negatives instead of the positives. In the end the ultimate choice of ending the relationship is your choice and you can do what you feel you have to do. But its not his fault. A relationship ending is always 50/50 and if you do not learn from this, you are going to keep making this same fatal mistake over and over again.
sunshine103 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Wilson, you are so dead on! I couldn't have said it any better!
BLuvv Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 @tstarfly I do know only you are the only one who can decide what are deal breakers to you, but I think you are too quick to throw a way a good thing. I definitely agree with what wilson says. Complaining will just feel like you are criticizing him and make him feel worse. I know, because I struggle with anxiety and my ex got frustarted with me over it plenty of times. But all it did was make me feel like he was picking me apart. While I completely accepted him and did everything he wanted and I would've gone to the mooon and back for this guy. Don't be so quick to throw away something good because it's not perfect. Maybe he is more introverted, but is that really so bad?? He treats you amazingly well and tries, I would die for this kind of relationship. I can't imagine why you would want to throw it away over some petty things.
westrock Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 The other issue is that I am driving my career and chasing my goals whereas my bf's goals are to make me happy and be with me forever. Sounds like your bf understands what is important in life. On one hand I have never had a guy treat me like this and on the other hand I don't feel like I am with a grab the bull by the horns kind of guy. Why do you feel that it's important for the guy to be a grab the bull by the horns kind of guy? Are those guys more successful in your mind? Just because he doesn't operate that way does not mean he won't be successful or happy in life.
Bobby289 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Ha I want to send this this thread to my ex so bad, oh I hope my ex feels like this about our breakup because it is so similar.
KathyM Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Kathy, where does she say that he has "social anxiety". According to what Tstrfly said, "Right before we went out he said he didn't feel well" and "Turns out he had indigestion which I believe bc he didn't touch his food or have anything to drink." You cant assume that he social anxiety because he didn't feel well and he went and put his best face on. Which wasn't good enough. If you automatically think negative, everything is gonna seem negative. Communication is key to any relationship. Why is wrong with communicating with him and finding out exactly what the problem is instead of automatically condemning him and taking on a pessimistic approach. She did say he has good qualities that she likes, why not try to find out the core of the problem and perhaps seek help for him, if needed. There is no "I" in team, so there is nothing wrong with your teammate giving you a little push to get you started. Her OP stated that he has been that way before when it came to spending time with her friends. It's not just an isolated incident. I suspect the indigestion and not feeling well in this instance was the result of the social anxiety and apprehension that he felt about socializing with her friends. I'm not condemning the man--he can't help his personality, but it is something that is not going to go away through talking it out with him. It is a part of him, and something she will be dealing with, which will likely cause contention in their relationship in the future. It already is. My sister's second husband was similar to this man. Didn't want to spend time with her friends and family. Didn't want to go to events of friends and family. Wanted to stay home all the time. Wasn't motivated to do things. Didn't have a lot of ambition. She had to always take the role of nagging parent to him, because the guy lacked motivation, and he always had. She fooled herself into thinking she could change him when the signs were there when they were dating, and she married him. Well, big news. He didn't change. The same thing that broke up his previous relationships/marriages broke up my sister's marriage with him. She loved him very much. He did have good qualities about him, but the unmotivated homebody that avoided social functions was an issue of contention throughout their dating and marriage, and eventually caused their marriage to end. I wouldn't advise investing time into someone who has dealbreaking issues that will likely not change.
Bobby289 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Not trying to be rude but you are not perfect, he knows that but loves you unconditionally. I think it as a bit selfish to be hypocritical and pick out the tiny flaws all the time, It kills him just as much as you. He tries in his own ways and wants to be better for you but how will you ever know how it ends up if you throw it away... just speaking from my past relationship.
Author tstarfly Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 I love all these responses and there are many valid points. A lot of which why I am so ambivalent. He IS a great guy. We have been dating for almost two years. These are not NEW issues but things that I have continually addressed as concerns for me, things he has promised to work on and have continually fallen short. And of course I feel like the A-hole bc he loves me unconditionally. There has been improvement however. He used to be very negative nancy seeing the glass half empty in a lot of situations. That has improved and I know he is capable of change but the social tension when it comes to him behaving like a child is starting to get unbearable. Its like I never know which side I will get. If you do not feel good STAY home instead of having everyone ask what is wrong and you say your fine when CLEARLY you are not. Or say what is wrong so I can help fix it. I know I am not perfect but I am very laid back and have great communication. He lacks the good communications skills and maturity. I have sat in 7 hours of traffic with him to say at eh last stretch to our VACATION "we might as well turn around and go home" Passive aggressive behavior that is wearing me down and I am afraid that I will resent him as much as I am afraid I will lose a great guy for indifference so small as these.
mike588 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I was also kind, considerate, loving,helped around the house etc. and would do almost anything for my now ex. g/f without being a "yes dear" guy. I'm kinda laid back and not out to be the next President of a major corporation but she just couldn't handle the love and all the things I did for her so she dumped me. Wonder if she will regret it later??
Ajax Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Ambivalent Well tstarfly, I think the way you signed your post says it all. Ambivalent. I get the feeling that what you're really looking for in this thread is justification for ending your relationship. You're on the fence, and what you're hoping for is that you'll get enough support here to nudge yourself over. But you don't really need justification do you? You don't need our help in jumping off the fence. Really, all you need is to "grab the bull by the horns" and make a decision. I don't mean to sound harsh. And I'm sure you aren't looking forward to hurting him. But take it from a guy who got dumped, it's better to go through the pain than to drag out a relationship in which the person you love is "ambivalent." I mean really... if he's such a "great guy," he deserves more than ambivalence.
BLuvv Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I think Ajax hit the nail on the head. I mean if you want out of the relationship then do it and don't lead him on. That would be much more cruel than dumping him. I sympathize with your ex because I am shy and anxious and when I love, I love hard. Just know that you are throwing away a guy, you yourself describe as a good guy. My ex dumped me more than once and he basically acted like you, confused. And it devestated me, I feel used and led on and lied to. So don't do that to this guy. At least give him a clean break if you do end it. Or else realize you have something that a lot of us here would love to have. Trust me, I have dated the "bad boys" and the cocky types, they don't make good partners. Also, you may want to think how you communicate with him. I know you think you are being communicative and have no problem, but it may seem to him like you are just picking him apart and criticizing him while he accepts you. No one is perfect, there are always ways to improve. And maybe if you change your tone he would be more receptive. Not like I can't believe you couldn't write this cover letter, look I did it in 6 minutes, that sounds condescending. Treat him like an equal, you could even learn something from him.
Almond_Joy Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 (edited) Well, I had a relationship where I was in the position of Tstar's ex. I loved my partner unconditionally and did everything I could to make the relationship work to the best of my ability. But for that guy, it wasn't enough......and I don't carry the belief that my ex is a jack-ass because what I had to offer isn't what he needed from a relationship. He can't help what he needs, just like Tstar can't help what she needs. If she's done as she said, it's not like she hasn't tried to work with him - she's talked to him, and he's making improvements, but it's still not what she needs. Having someone love her unconditionally is not enough to justify committing yourself and tying your quality of life to a person. I don't think TStar should be deemed unreasonable for acknowledging that. I'm a hard lover also, and I think that if you're looking to build a life with a person, practical factors have to have a very large influence on your decision to stay together. Having someone live with you while you are the sole breadwinner is a strain. If you're the type of individual that can and wants to carry the burden of paying living expenses for two people: A) for an indefinite amount of time, B) while your unemployed partner fails to take the initiative necessary to gain employment, and C) do this all in the name of unconditional love, then hats off to you. For most, that's a lot of stress that they would rather not have. And if the person you're with is physically and mentally capable of being gainfully employed, but their not taking the initiative to attain that employment....how serious are they about realistically sustaining a long-term relationship? Unconditional love doesn't buy groceries. Unconditional love doesn't ensure you two will have a place to stay. Unconditional love doesn't mean that a couple should isolate themselves as a unit socially from friends and family. These are considerations that Tstars's boyfriend doesn't seem to be taking very seriously. These are obviously very important considerations for TStar. Why is she the bad guy for trying to get her sense of security in the relationship addressed by her partner? Furthermore, how is she leading him on if she's brought these issues up to him before? TStar, I think you should take the job and live separately from your man for a while. If you guys are serious about a future together, it sounds like he needs to invest some time and effort into establishing himself - what he wants to do with his life, for himself. I don't think it's healthy that all he wants to do is make you happy. What does he want for himself - anything? A career, a family.....even a hobby that he's really into? From your post it sounds like he just kinda hangs about and lavishes you with all the love you could possibly want and more. That's really nice, and a trait that I can understand you want to respect and consider......but it's not the only factor that can determine your overall happiness with the quality and direction of this relationship. I don't see that there's anything wrong with that, and I don't think you should either. I do agree with AJax that you posted here hoping to get an opinion that would endorse your reservations. That wasn't my primary objective in posting - I just wanted to share my perspective. But I also think that sometimes we feel like our reservations are unreasonable. Moments like this, I think, are when people doubt their intuition. No one knows what you need to be happy better than yourself. So whatever you decide to do, I'd recommend you make sure that you have a sense of peace about your decision, and will have the strength to stand by it. Good luck! Edited October 26, 2011 by Almond_Joy
Almond_Joy Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I just realized I referred to TStar's boyfriend as an ex. That was a slip - sorry! I was thinking about my ex and mixed up my terms - totally missed it lol.
mike588 Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Oh my God... YOUR EX LEFT YOU FOR HER OWN EX. HAS SHE EVEN INITIATED CONTACT WITH YOU? YOUR EX IS ****ING HER EX AS YOU TYPE ABOUT HER 24/7. SHE ISN'T THINKING ABOUT YOU. GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. God. Was that signed God? I don't want to steal this thread. PM me if you have any problems with my responses! I won't respond to you on this thread, it's not mine. I guess you haven't noticed that I have not made any new threads lately about my situation, asking for advise etc. etc. I'm only trying to help people who are/have been in similar situations such as this thread (he was a good b/f who is kind/giving and so on regardless if an ex. is involved or not. Alot of peope here need to mention their situation so they can relate to the person hurting and looking for help/advise. I'm simply trying to return the help that's been given here to me. If you don't like it ,,,,then don't read it or PM me!
wilsonx Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Theres something vital that i failed to mention in my earlier post. You still have not said one positive thing about your ex. He is a great guy is not a positive thing. You are still stuck on the negatives. When you are in any type of relationship with somebody, whether it be a friendship, romantic relationship, business relationship, you always have 3 options. They are: 1) Accept 2) Change 3) Leave. Thats it theres nothing else. There's not anything here that says let me put something on pause and think about it for 8 months so I can store up negativity towards my significant other. 1) Accept the behavior. Thats it, even if its something you do not like. You have to accept it and put it in the past and leave it there. Otherwise you can bring it up like you are doing now. "Well last time we went on a vacation blah blah blah". Leave the past in the past. 2) Change. Change the behavior by setting up clear non manipulative personal boundaries. Warning, you can not change people, its not going to happen. You see so many posts on here about Captain Save a Hoes going to save the broken person and trying to fix them. Thats why change most of the time will not work without clear communication and personal boundaries. Which you sound like you have none of. 3) Leave. Its that simple, just do it. If you cant accept someone's behavior after clear boundaries are set then you walk right there on the spot. Not months after 10 other things have piled up. This is not only selfish and wrong to the other person, but also lying to yourself too. There have been posts here that people say, well its not working out, you are all whiney losers blah blah blah. I can tell you from your original post that there is no communication besides complaining. You have no clear personal boundaries because you continue to allow the behavior even though it bothers you and now you are seeking validation from others for you to jump over that fence. Is the grass greener on the other side, possibly. But if you are in a relationship with this type of person now, most likely you are going to end in up in the same type of relationship in the future because you are placing all the blame on him and not looking inward to see whats wrong with you. Water seeks its own level, and this is a fact.
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