rocka Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I've been seeing this girl for over a month, we hit it off great, always have fun and started sleeping together rather quickly. Last week her most serious ex (from over a year ago, they were almost engaged) called her out of the blue and stirred up her emotions and she now realizes she isn't ready for a committed relationship. She finally told me this tonight and we talked about it. She said she doesn't want to lead me on and that she loves hanging out with me and always has fun. I do like her but I am not invested yet. I told her we don't need to make any commitments and that I am fine with just hanging out and having fun. I told her if it develops it develops but if I meet someone before then we will have to stop hanging out. I also said that I don't sleep with multiple people and the same for her, if something comes up to tell me I won't be mad about it (ironically this ends up being an exclusive talk eh?). She said she agrees and that she doesn't sleep around either. So now the relationship is some amalgamation of exclusive romantic "friends" with benefits. Though we aren't really "friends with benefits" as we have never really been friends before we got romantically involved, and I am not sure how much "benefits" there will be until we hang out or I talk to her... which I am planning to do tonight to figure out our boundaries. There are some things I am wondering from this point. I acknowledge this relationship for what it is. She is flat out not ready to commit and it isn't going to happen any time soon (if at all). However, I could see myself with this girl and would actually like it if that ended up working out. I also don't mind the alternative that we keep hanging out until I find someone new, seeing as she is ok with this... I am not going to take myself out of the field and wait/hope for something to come from this situation. That said, do "friends" (or whatever we are) with benefits ever turn into something more? I think this situation is slightly more unique than the typical friends with benefits, and I think that if things continue the way they have been her wounds will heal and she will become attached to me over time (doesn't this usually happen with girls when they are involved?). Aside from time, is there anything I can do with her to shift things in that direction? I know she has feelings for me she just has too much emotional baggage to get into a real relationship right now. Any thoughts from anyone (from her point of view) who has been in this situation before?
Emilia Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Walk away. You are pondering if you can get something more from a girl who isn't prepared to offer you anything. She pretty much says she will leave once her serious ex makes up his mind. If you stay around, you will get attached I think (you seem to be grasping at straws a little bit in your second paragraph) and you will get hurt. Find a girl who can make a relationship work and isn't screwed up over her ex. Seriously
thatone Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 agree, when she brought up the ex and tried to push you away you should've said no on the spot.
Author rocka Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 I think that would be the best option to avoid getting hurt. I'm going to talk to her tonight and then try and sort everything out in my mind and decide what I need to do from there. I don't really want to walk away, especially when I potentially have a friends with benefits relationship with her, that still allows me to pursue other women. But like you said I could get attached and then end up getting hurt. When I think about it, if she just wants to continue exactly as we have been without worrying about becoming committed, I am totally ok with that type of relationship, as long as I actually do pursue other women during this time, otherwise I am taking a huge risk. I guess I am just really confused and need some time to process this and get my head straight. I really like to recieve this input from you guys, it helps speed up my head clearing time.
Emilia Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 It's what you can and can't live with I suppose. Also, are you the kind of person who has to keep seeing someone until he meets another girl or can you be completely single for a while? From personal experience it helps me with someone new if I'm completely unattached because I can give that person 100% attention. Also, if a girl finds out that you have an FWB she might lose interest because she will think that that's all you want. Only my take on it though, I personally prefer clear cut situations and I think it's fair to say most people find ambiguity difficult to deal with
Author rocka Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 Also, are you the kind of person who has to keep seeing someone until he meets another girl or can you be completely single for a while? Not at all actually. I don't really focus on relationships and when I am single I like to take the passive "if it happens it happens" approach and thus I don't date lots of people, but the ones that I do are usually good picks... this is probably something I need to change. This mentality also helps me focus on school (PhD program) as I have just been living my life. I have been single for over a year and I've only dated 2 girls in that time. I am really picky and with the struggle of school and finding someone who I actually want to be with I am reluctant to let go of what I have right now. If that makes any sense. I think the FWB part, in terms of finding someone new, will not be a problem. I generally know if I want to invest my time into someone after the second or third time I hang out with them. Once I have reached that point with someone new my "relationship" with this girl would instantly be over, even if things with a new girl are not physical or serious yet. I like to invest my time on one person at a time.
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