Obsessed with his ex

[xandy]

Hi everyone!

 

My story is about a common problem (I think) that women face - I'm obsessed with his ex girlfriend.

 

We've been dating for about 6 months now - neither of us has said "I love you" yet - well, technically I told him that I thought I was falling in love with him (when we got intimate), but now that I think about it, it wasn't love - but I think that we're definitely on the way there.

 

During the first month, I noticed that his facebook profile had an album of him and his ex - and I asked him to take them off. This led to a huge fight between us, as he thought that me asking him to take them off his profile were wrong - I should have requested him. I do understand that I needed to have been more polite about that - but what really upset me was that he said he wasn't going to take them off. He said that the pictures dont really mean anything to him, that facebook is like a journal of his life. I didnt understand why this "journal" had to be displayed online. A few days later confessed to him that seeing him in the arms of another woman really upset me and I couldn't take it, and he took the pictures off. I dont understand if it was wrong of me to ask him this? Does he really mean it when he says that he didnt really care that the pictures are there are that he didnt look through them? Why didnt he understand it when I asked him the first time?

 

This incident led to a huge insecurity within me. I started digging his facebook profile to check out how they met, when they met, their first interaction on facebook, her wall posts on his page. I started checking each and every mutual friend of theirs to check their pictures together, what she had commented on them. I started noticing minute details like how her hair was done, what she wore, how tall she is, and so on. And facebook was not the only thing. I googled her, checked her posts on other website forums, re-read them multiple times. I knew that I was prettier and smarter (and yet I knew that even as I was comparing myself to her on these terms, I was worse off than her because of this underlying obsession and insecurity, and started loathing myself). The obsession got so bad that after the recent facebook privacy settings changed, I could see a part of her wall, and I probably visited and read her public posts like 5 times a day. I just couldn't stop from giving in to this obsession. I also found a few love letters that he had written to her (that I didn't read) and the fact that he had her period marked as a recurring event on his calendar (which when I brought up, he said he had just not bothered to take off, and deleted it for me).

 

I trust my boyfriend - I know he is not going back to her. Yet I cant help feeling so vulnerable that they shared this special bond. She facebook messages him once in a few months, and I asked him to let me know when he does communicate with her (which he agreed to and I realized that it screamed neediness). When the topic of her having contacted him came up recently, he mentioned that he thought that I felt that they were going to secretly get back together - and I was hurt and depressed that that's how he felt about me.

 

Please help me in overcoming this obsession with her. I want him to love me and care for me deeply. Yet I cant stop thinking about her and how long it took him to propose to her. He also mentioned once that he has never cried (he finds it really hard to do so) and yet the most recent time he cried was when his ex initially did not want to go out with him (and he really forced himself to cry)

 

Thanks for reading, hope it didnt take too much of your time!

[PegNosePete]

Imagine facebook did not exist. What would you think of someone who wrote your story but using other media instead? If she sneaked through his entire photo collection when he was at work, and looked through the box of old love letters that he keeps in the loft? If she read all through his diary entries from years ago?

 

Why do you feel that he should tell you about every single contact she has with him? You are treating him like a criminal. If he had cheated on you with her then it would be totally understandable and yes I would agree that he should tell you of any contact. But he has done NOTHING wrong. You are being controlling and manipulative.

 

Everyone has a past and if you can't accept his then there is no future for you. It seems to me that he has not lied or cheated or deceived you or been unreasonable at all. He took the photos down when you told him how bad it made you feel. You say you were telling him what he can and can't have on his own facebook page, a month after you started going out?? That is controlling behaviour and I am not surprised it led to a fight. If a girl started telling me to take pictures down off my facebook page when we'd been together for only a month then I very much doubt we would last for another month or even another week!

 

In short: get it together if you want the relationship to last! Because YOU are destroying it!

[blueskyday]

I understand. It's not the pics and the contact. It's about what that stuff MEANS. Is he over his ex? Does he have the emotional capacity to love you?

 

I wouldn't want to be involved with a guy who has pics of his ex all over his facebook. A random pic is ok, but a whole album? No. I think it's disrespectful, but that's just me. How about making an album of you two?

 

Straight up ask him, "How do you feel about your ex? When I see the pic album, I wonder sometimes if you are really over her and I feel uncomfortable moving forward and developing strong feelings for you. I want to feel free and uninhibited. I don't want to feel worried or have fears that would ruin things. What do you think of that? " Or something similiar.

 

See if he cares about how you feel and what he does about it. Solicit his help in resolving things, but make sure the relationship is meeting your needs for safety and security. Your heart is at stake.

[RiverRunning]

I understand where you are coming from. I have been through something similar to this - only much, much worse and prolonged (went on for about TWO YEARS). You are just in the beginning of what is going to happen, I can guarantee you that. It's very rare that this just ends up stopping out of the blue. In my case, it took a lot of pain and misery to get through it. I guess my self-esteem was so low and I was convinced I would never meet anyone else that I just stayed.

 

I don't think you're wrong to want to know about his contact with his ex. How on Earth did he NOT think that you would find albums of him with his ex OK? The problem with the Internet is that everybody wants to share everything, all the time and they show no consideration for how that's going to affect other people. Of course it looks like he's not over this girl when he does that. Especially when he gets upset and wants to leave it up when he KNOWS it bothers his current girlfriend. I would be seriously wondering if he doesn't still have feelings too.

 

In my book, contact with an ex with whom you don't share children is always a no-no. How often is it that the people just want to be 'friendly' with each other? Most of the time, someone still has feelings or someone can't move on from the past. That only means that other people who comes into those folks' lives in the meantime end up feeling second-best, as you now feel. But, that means you'll have to find someone who practices the same "no contact with exes" philosophy.

 

 

How long have they been broken up? You are seeing some red flags and at only six months in, honestly I think I'd bail. Just from my own experiences, I can say it's almost never worth it. You are going to continue feeling like crap, always wondering if he would go back to her if she'd give him a chance.

 

And try to do yourself a favor - block his ex-girlfriend on Facebook. Commit to THREE DAYS without looking her up. Then, extend that to a week. Then, a month. Eventually you will find that the thought might come to mind, but you have no desire to act on it.

 

Start trying to build your self-esteem, too. I have a book...aptly named "Self Esteem" that includes practices to try and boost your self-esteem. It's funny - so often I have those negative thoughts but never really understand the motivation underlying them. Boosting your self-esteem regardless of your relationship status can help protect you from situations like this in the future.

 

I disagree that it's 'just you.' He is being disrespectful. When you enter into an exclusive relationship, there are 'rules' in place. How would he feel if he saw that you still had a bunch of pictures up of you snuggled with your ex? How would he feel if you still talked to your exes? Every now and then you meet a person who's just fine with it, but often it seems there's hypocrisy at play. He'd probably be upset, right? People want to feel like they are SPECIAL when they enter into a relationship. Not that they are just a string of idolized women before he breaks up with you and moves onto the next hottest thing - and that's how he's making you feel.

 

No, he may not be cheating on her. But he is lending her significance in the present that should not belong to her. There are some things you need to learn to let go of if you hope to move on in the present. That includes old lovers.

 

Honey, if this continues, bail and bail soon. It gets worse.

[xandy]

Imagine facebook did not exist. What would you think of someone who wrote your story but using other media instead? If she sneaked through his entire photo collection when he was at work, and looked through the box of old love letters that he keeps in the loft? If she read all through his diary entries from years ago?

 

Why do you feel that he should tell you about every single contact she has with him? You are treating him like a criminal. If he had cheated on you with her then it would be totally understandable and yes I would agree that he should tell you of any contact. But he has done NOTHING wrong. You are being controlling and manipulative.

 

Everyone has a past and if you can't accept his then there is no future for you. It seems to me that he has not lied or cheated or deceived you or been unreasonable at all. He took the photos down when you told him how bad it made you feel. You say you were telling him what he can and can't have on his own facebook page, a month after you started going out?? That is controlling behaviour and I am not surprised it led to a fight. If a girl started telling me to take pictures down off my facebook page when we'd been together for only a month then I very much doubt we would last for another month or even another week!

 

In short: get it together if you want the relationship to last! Because YOU are destroying it!

Thanks PegNosePete - yes I did understand that I was being controlling and needy, and I have changed so much now. I don't display such behavior anymore, but I'm finding it hard to deal with my feelings for his ex outside of our relationship (he doesn't know about this).

[xandy]

I understand. It's not the pics and the contact. It's about what that stuff MEANS. Is he over his ex? Does he have the emotional capacity to love you?

 

I wouldn't want to be involved with a guy who has pics of his ex all over his facebook. A random pic is ok, but a whole album? No. I think it's disrespectful, but that's just me. How about making an album of you two?

 

Straight up ask him, "How do you feel about your ex? When I see the pic album, I wonder sometimes if you are really over her and I feel uncomfortable moving forward and developing strong feelings for you. I want to feel free and uninhibited. I don't want to feel worried or have fears that would ruin things. What do you think of that? " Or something similiar.

 

See if he cares about how you feel and what he does about it. Solicit his help in resolving things, but make sure the relationship is meeting your needs for safety and security. Your heart is at stake.

He broke up with his ex in January this year and started showing interest in me 2 weeks later (too early, I know). But we officially started going out only in May (4 months after he broke up). He didn't want to start a relationship as soon as he broke up.

 

With regards to the facebook pics and his feelings for her, I did raise the issue - and he mentioned to me that he had no feelings whatsoever for her. I also feel bad for her cause he dumped her. I think I associate myself with her - what if one day he just dumps me and stops loving me? I also did mention that he had tons of pics of her on his phone and he doesn't take any pics of me (I feel ugh having to have told him this) - but he does take more pics of me after he knew that it bothered me.

[xandy]

I understand where you are coming from. I have been through something similar to this - only much, much worse and prolonged (went on for about TWO YEARS). You are just in the beginning of what is going to happen, I can guarantee you that. It's very rare that this just ends up stopping out of the blue. In my case, it took a lot of pain and misery to get through it. I guess my self-esteem was so low and I was convinced I would never meet anyone else that I just stayed.

 

I don't think you're wrong to want to know about his contact with his ex. How on Earth did he NOT think that you would find albums of him with his ex OK? The problem with the Internet is that everybody wants to share everything, all the time and they show no consideration for how that's going to affect other people. Of course it looks like he's not over this girl when he does that. Especially when he gets upset and wants to leave it up when he KNOWS it bothers his current girlfriend. I would be seriously wondering if he doesn't still have feelings too.

 

In my book, contact with an ex with whom you don't share children is always a no-no. How often is it that the people just want to be 'friendly' with each other? Most of the time, someone still has feelings or someone can't move on from the past. That only means that other people who comes into those folks' lives in the meantime end up feeling second-best, as you now feel. But, that means you'll have to find someone who practices the same "no contact with exes" philosophy.

 

 

How long have they been broken up? You are seeing some red flags and at only six months in, honestly I think I'd bail. Just from my own experiences, I can say it's almost never worth it. You are going to continue feeling like crap, always wondering if he would go back to her if she'd give him a chance.

 

And try to do yourself a favor - block his ex-girlfriend on Facebook. Commit to THREE DAYS without looking her up. Then, extend that to a week. Then, a month. Eventually you will find that the thought might come to mind, but you have no desire to act on it.

 

Start trying to build your self-esteem, too. I have a book...aptly named "Self Esteem" that includes practices to try and boost your self-esteem. It's funny - so often I have those negative thoughts but never really understand the motivation underlying them. Boosting your self-esteem regardless of your relationship status can help protect you from situations like this in the future.

 

I disagree that it's 'just you.' He is being disrespectful. When you enter into an exclusive relationship, there are 'rules' in place. How would he feel if he saw that you still had a bunch of pictures up of you snuggled with your ex? How would he feel if you still talked to your exes? Every now and then you meet a person who's just fine with it, but often it seems there's hypocrisy at play. He'd probably be upset, right? People want to feel like they are SPECIAL when they enter into a relationship. Not that they are just a string of idolized women before he breaks up with you and moves onto the next hottest thing - and that's how he's making you feel.

 

No, he may not be cheating on her. But he is lending her significance in the present that should not belong to her. There are some things you need to learn to let go of if you hope to move on in the present. That includes old lovers.

 

Honey, if this continues, bail and bail soon. It gets worse.

Thanks! Yes I took the first step towards this yesterday. I deactivated my facebook.

 

I asked him about how he would feel if he saw pics of me and my ex, or to know if I spoke to them - and he says that it doesn't bother him. Thats exactly what I wondered - why doesnt he take the pics off of fb if he knew that it bothered me? Apparently that's not how he thinks - they're just up there. I do see where he's coming from, but unfortunately, I am now left wounded and insecure.

 

I realize that if I need to end this the closure has to come from me and noone else. I would really appreciate any suggestions on how other people went about doing this. Thanks again!