She told me that she needs space to see if I am the one she really wants

[heartbreak at 27]

Last night my girlfriend of over a year told me that she needed space to see if I was the one she really wanted. Our relationship was always good minus me being selfish about a few things. When we first talked about this a week ago she told me about the things that bothered her and they are things that I know I can change.

 

I just turned 27 today and can't believe that I have to go through this on my birthday. I really love this woman. I know it is not a pride issue because I know in my heart that I wanted to marry her. We have been together non stop over the past year and I am hoping that after a couple of weeks she will find that I am the one she really wants. Has anyone had an expierence like this? I know that I cannot contact her and that if I am truly going to get her to think deeply about the relationship I need to back off 110%. Has anyone survived a situation like this?

[Al]

I went through the same situation. My boyfriend of 5 years told me that we needed to break up b/c he needed to see if I was "the one." I know now that if I was "the one" he wouldn't have needed to break up with me to know that. Needless to say after dating a few women, 3 years later he now tells me that he realizes what we have and that I am the one for him. Unfortunately for him, it's 3 years too late. I've found someone else and don't think I could handle being with someone that needed space to figure out what I really meant to him. My advice to you is, although it may be hard, don't wait for this girl forever. If a few days clears her head and she realizes what she wants great but don't put your future on hold b/c she doesn't know what she wants.

[burton928]

same thing is happening to me right now. but with all the advice that everyone gives on here about everything im finding it hard to follow it. i know i have to give her her space for a while and im willing to do that hoping she will come back. but i agree with not waiting for too long. and plus the reason she gave me still gives me hope as well. she needed time to straighten out her life. whatever that means. but when i last saw her when i got out of my she wanted to give me a hug and said she loved me first. and kissed me on the lips first. so what does that all mean. anyone know. i also have the feeling i want to marry her. and she did before too even two days before she broke up with me.

[flusteredinluv]

i'm totally in the same boat-i just got put "on hold" after six yrs too, maily bc she wanted to figure things out. see my thread on this page-i'm dealing the best that i can but it's still kinda f'ed up.

[sally1530]

I have been put on hold now for 4 weeks... no replys... no contact....no nothing... Im losing hope, should I see him? Before its too late?

[SoleMate]

I know you're not married, but please try http://www.marriagebuilders.com. It has GREAT advice about meeting each other's most important emotional needs. It also helps you find out what your individual SO's needs are. Meeting her needs is what makes her love you and keeps her loving you. Works the same in the opposite direction for you. Good luck, there is hope.

[hurtingandconfused]

I know now that if I was "the one" he wouldn't have needed to break up with me to know that.

 

This is all you guys need to know.

 

It's time to move on when they ask for a break. Let them "figure" things out...which means..let me date other people..if they are not as great as you I will come back to you. However if they are better than you...bye bye thanks for waiting.

[faux]

I hate that line. "I need time alone to see if I really care about you or not", and other forms of that phrase really tick me off. To me, it tells me that the person I invested time in simply cannot be honest with me.

 

In my experience, this type of phrase or excuse has always meant:

 

"I am no longer interested in you and want to break up. However, I am going to try to spare you your feelings and cause you much more confusion and false hope by using this confusing phrase, so as to cause you insanity and prolonged agony!"

 

I am sorry to say this, but to me it appears that you should move on and forget about this girl quickly. Do not hang around expecting her to come back. It really sounds that she is just wanting to break up with you, find someone new or do her own thing. The more you hang around hoping, and the more she is dishonest with you to "protect you", the worse things will get. Do not expect her to even tell you the entire truth if you confront her about it. ::sigh:: I feel for you

 

She should not have to take time to figure out if you are the one she wants to be with or not. She just told you "Bye", pretty much. Do not contact her. The farther you distance yourself now the better. If by some miracle she decides to come back you'll have chosen the right path by not talking to her, and realizing the truth as quickly as possible that it's over.

[bluechocolate]

I've never survived a situation like this because I've never put myself in one.

 

I have to agree with faux.

 

If the person I was going out with said this to me after a year I would take it as over. Generally what this means is that they want to be free to see other people. Why should you be the fall back guy? What if she decides in another year to see if there's anyone different out there this time?

[UCFKevin]

I have advice for you folks who are in this situation.

 

Tell the other person, "I'm done waiting. Goodbye," and move on with your life.

 

THey have total control over your feelings right now. Just move on. Otherwise you'll always be in emotional torment, limbo, you won't be able to recover.

 

Screw breaks. Screw that whole "If you love someone set them free" BS. That shouldn't be how love works.

[shamen]

Yes, Kevin, that's exactly what you do. You love them, so you let them go if they want to go... You agree with the heart of the quote, not disagree, IMO.

 

It's no fun waiting around for people to change their minds or figure out what they're doing, so one moves on. So yeah, I would move on too.

 

Faux has some excellent points.

[kat217]

I can understand how hard it must be to be where you are, but i honestly don't think that's how the relationship works! -- when you're committed in your relationship, you can't just pick'n choose when (and who) you want to be with at your convenience -- WHETHER YOU ARE IN OR OUT!! Even if the relationship is to rekindle down the road, who is it to say that your partner won't have another 'moment" -- i personally refuse to take that risk. I agree w/ Kevin 100% -- "hurt me once, shame on you -- hurt me twice, shame on me."

 

Personally, I believe that if someone doesn't want to be with me, he/she is NOT for me, regardless -- I am too good of a person to be the second to someone else.

[UCFKevin]

Damn f'ing straight.

 

I don't have the time or energy in my life to go through something like this again. It only takes once to be ingrained into my skull just how horribly painful it is to have to wait for someone like that.

 

To hell with that.

 

I'm cynical today. Don't touch.

[cantforget]

For those of you who haven't been following my woes feel free to look back and catch up. My ex told me twice he needed some time to sort himself out. Stupid me went along with this twice, and look where it got me. Not saying that every situaltion is the same as mine but honestly its better to get through the heartache now rather than prolonging it the way I did. Had my time again I would have never played second chances.(Well I probably would but I evidently have no will power but am trying real hard now.) And believe me it does get easier, painstakenly slowly, but it does.

[MESO]

My ex is feeding me this crap right now....

 

She still talks to me and see s me 1-2 times a week...

 

All of your comments are really opening my eyes but i need to talk to her....i have no other friends in my life and shes pretty much the only person who gives a damn about me....im going through a rough time and i need somone there

 

I guess if she really truly cared for me she would be all the way there...

 

I really really wish i could tell her "im done waiting to see if im the one, good bye"...i cant though

[Velveteel]

MESO, you know yourself better than we do. If you can't say goodbye now, you can't. But hanging out with your ex, even 1-2 x a week, is hurting your chances of a reconciliation. She doesn't get a chance to miss you, to see how empty her life would be without you. Ask for no contact during this break, and put a time limit on the break--say, one month. And if she still isn't sure about you after that time, you will have your answer.

 

I'm sure she still loves you, which is why she wants to call this a "break" instead of a break-up. But really, would you leave your wallet on the sidewalk? She's risking the loss of your love. She may not be ready for the kind of commitment you want.

[sally1530]

I have given up all hope that my ex-fiance wants to get back together... I dont think he ever really loved me... saturday was supposed to be our wedding day, things are very hard for me this week.... as the day approaches... the pain gets worse. I need to take it minute by minute... but cant seem to work lately... need to take off a few days and sort some things out... im a mess... I tried to get closure twice this week and drove by his house and both times he wasnt home... around 8-9pm.... he never goes out at that time of night on a weekday... so he must be dating... hasnt even been a month yet we are apart and hes already dating other people... it really hurts that I meant nothing to him... I thought he wanted to spend his life with me... but I guess not if he was cheating by talking with girls on the internet and exchanging naked photos.... Im still devistated by all of this and its been a month... I cant seem to get past the betrayal, the lies and the intense hurt he has cost me.... ive lost 10 pounds this month, cant eat or sleep and am in so much sadness.... when will this ever go away... i dont think i can take much more of this..... its killing me.

[burton928]

i dont know what to do myself. my ex told me last time i saw her if i needed to tlak to her i could give her a call and she would be there. well she hasnt been and everytime i try and talk to her she gets mad at me. i dont understand. shes the one who ****ed me over and shes mad at me. i should be the one who is mad but im not rally that mad im more upset than anything. i mean i have my two worst fears come true the past week and im having problems dealing with them. first i lost my girlfriend that i tuly madly love and then i found out i have throat cancer.

 

i tried calling her last night cause i needed someone to talk to about it but she wasnt home and wont call me back and i tried talking to her online and she didnt even talk to me. why is she acting like this toward me when i didnt do anything to her at all. especially to cause the break up. because she told me she needs time to straighten out her life. i mean what should i do just not talk to her and let her possibly realize what she is missing.

[Apollo432]

Thanks For the advice so much has changed (PLEASE HELP MORE!) Post: 19 | Quote:

 

Well you have all given me some great advice. The situation has changed a bit. Yesterday when I got to work she called me. I told her that she said that she needed her space and I said that if she calls me she will not be getting the space she needs. She then went on to tell me that she thinks that she has made a mistake and when she told me she did nt love me anymore she was wrong and she really did.

I told her all the things over again and began to cry and told her that I love her but, I think she needs to take the time and space in order to know if this is what she truly wants. I told her that if we did get back together and 2 mos from now she has the same feelings I could not forgive her. I know she is not looking for anyone else. At least for awhile. We work together and I avoided her yesterday but we did send a couple of emails back and forth below are some of these e-mails. Does anyone think that she is jumping the gun. I was so happy to hear all of these things and we agreed on no contact for two weeks.

I want her back so bad and know that we can make things a lot better. Now that she has said all of this should I be looking at this like we will get back together. She knows how I feel and I know no matter what she decides that it will be for the best. Any more advice or comments would be appreciated.

Here arew a few of the emails we were sneding back and forth.

 

(Me writing)I know I said no contact but I need to get this out. I love you and I know you love me. In a perfect world what else do we need? I know we both are different people and I love that about us but, I want you to be sure about what you want here. I am not going anywhere I will be here. You said this morning that you didn’t know if things were going to work out? That is why I think we need this space. I am convinced that if we give each other this space we will know what we need to do in order to be the happiest we have ever been. I love you and know that you are not making this decision lightly. I know we can survive this and it will all turn out for the best. I love you so much.

 

(her writing) love you too! I want you to know this.

 

 

(me writing)

 

I know baby, all of this is going to work out for the best. I just want you to be sure that I am the one you want.

 

(Her writing)I love you and you are so good to me.

 

 

(me writing)Good. This is going to be hard but I think we will have our answer. I want you to go do all the things that you haven’t had the chance to do when we were together. While you are doing them I want you to think about whether you would want me there doing them with you. I think then you will have your answers. I love you more than anything…..ever.

 

 

(her)

 

I wanted to tell you Happy iBrthday today I just know you are not happy and neither am I

 

(me) I know. Hopefully we will both be happy in two weeks.

 

(her) I know. I feeel deep down inside that we will be

 

and this is how we left it.

 

(me)

 

I am glad we got to get a few more things out today. The next few days, weeks, months will be hard on both of us but I want you to know that it is a small amount of time with regard to the rest of our lives. I am here for you if you need me but let’s do our best to give each other the space we need so we can make good decisions based on our true feelings. I love you and hope your heart finds its way back to me.

 

(her)OK i LOVE YOU

 

I feel good about this but we will not be in contact for the next two weeks I am so scared that she will change her mind about how she is feeling.

[reality check]

First of all.... look at the detail of your emails to her, look at her short responses. ( that tells you something)

her interest level is so low for you... it's at the "I feel sorry for you" level. Get real my friend... I do not wish to offend but grow a pair of balls... you know what I did in your situation? I ignored her, I did not cry... or at least tell her about it, I kept my conversations short, I kept her guessing...... in other words, I proved I am fine ON MY own and that I am a marketable kind of guy.... not a guy who is crying over one woman. Never give up your manhood.... never! A woman wants a MAN.... a strong man, who will pave the way, who will lead by example... who will say.... it's now or never.... so decide!!!! The ways I see it.... you have lost her already... count your losses my friend and move on... will it be easy? No... hell no..... but you will love and smile again.

 

She is trampling on your dignity... and your respect. Turn the tides... salvage what's left of your manhood and self worth... and show her that you do not have a revolving door policy....... if you decide to do otherwise, you are in for a long ride my friend.... believe me you, you will suffer.

 

You can end that now.... and start healing.

 

Cheers

[flusteredinluv]

wow-what you did was incredibly brave. i think it's a wise decision to let this go for a bit. be honest with yourself-do you immediately want to go back into this with that nagging feeling that you may have made a bad decision for both of you? you need to have the highest proof possible that this is the right thing; if it's there, it will be there 2 wks from now.

 

ultimately this isn't about you-if it was this'd be an easy decision. you are doing right by yourself AND by her by giving this space. as hard as it is, stick with the no contact in the meantime.

 

best of luck guy.