princeemo Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 So I just found out a couple nights ago that my wife may or may not have had an affair with someone firm her work. Let me start from the beginning.the past week she has been behaving differently, like always keeping her phone by her side and dressinfpg nicely for work, wearing her "date night" perfume for work and asking me "hypothetical questions in regards about receiving a hall pass and what would I do if she got pregnant with someone else. Well one night she came home form work and said she was going to meet some friends for a drink.she gets home, takes a shower, and puts on shorts in60 degree weather.she comes back after an hour and immediately heads for the ahower while brusging her teeth aand climbs into bwd with me and behaves MUCH MUCH differently in love making. That night I looked at her phone and discovered all the text messages she had been sending and recieving. All were very obscene and perverted texts.these were texts I didn't recieve while we were dating. Well I confronted her and she owned up to everything.she says she enjoyed the attention and the chase and that I only chase her for sex and nit because I find her so beautiful.what's the difference between my chasing you for sex IN a committed relationship vs someone who IS chasing for lust whos already married to someone else? but she says nothing happened during their rendezvous.she said they both sat in a car and talked about their married life for an hour and went home.but after she got home she was sending him texts about I can't stop thinking about what just happened and its too bad we can't continue like this. Is she truly remorseful, I've given her a chance to leave without baggqge but she cooses to stay and work it through.or is she just sorry she just got caught and wants to get by easy.also this is the first time she's done this.
PegNosePete Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 is she just sorry she just got caught and wants to get by easy. Yes, definitely. She is talking a load of BS to you, and you know it. Really nothing happened she just sat in a car and talked for an hour? Does she think you are completely stupid? You know exactly what happened and if she is not prepared to admit it then I would tell her to get the hell out. She wants to work on the marriage? What positive steps has she taken to work on the marriage? (Bet you a cheese sandwich the answer to that is "nothing"...). Talking doesn't count, I mean action.
Bryanp Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I think it is pretty obvious that she is in a sexual affair. When a wife says how would you feel if she got pregnant with another man; it does not take a rocket scientist to know what she is doing. She wears shorts, her date perfume to stay in a car with her OM and just kiss and talk? If you believe this then I have a bridge to sell you. She is not remorseful and justifying her actions. You both need to get tested for STD's. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She has been engaging in this affair because she knew that there would be no consequences from you. Her actions indicate that she has very little respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? By the way if the roles were reversed and you were screwing your lover, how do you think she would be dealing with it. Would she be so accepting as you appear to me? Make it clear that you will not stay in a marriage with a cheating wife.
Author princeemo Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 The only yhting ththat makes me. think shes innocent is that I had her send a text message that night from her phone saying I'm glad nothing happened that night.and the OM responded yeah me too, I can't afford to lose my kids in all this.but all the facts point to yes I suppose
Art_Critic Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Something physical took place.. hence the shower/teeth brushing as soon as she got home. What took place is really in question.. kissing, petting, oral are most likely what happened being that they sent text messages saying they are glad they didn't go thru with it (intercourse). I tend to be a very forgiving person but draw the line at cheating.. In theory anyhow, I'm not sure how I would react if someone I love cheated. What do you want to do ? I don't think she has been forth coming.. you had to catch her and I don't think she has told you everything that happened so maybe you need to make her come clean about everything that happened. Good Luck
Author princeemo Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 i want to make it work.I really do.I just want her to tell me thrpe truth about what happened that night even if she told me she did anything.but just feeling like shes still withholding vital information is wahats really holding me back from the process of starting to work it through
broken0 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 princeemo, My H cheated on me and I found out only after I caught him. She will NEVER tell you the truth nor admit what she did is wrong or if she did anything at all. She will tell you that it is nothing or that she is not looking for something. All signs shows that her behaviors are highly questionable. The problem in your situation now is that you can only rely on her behavior and your instinct and that you do not have evidence. But let me caution you this, even with evidence, she will not come clean when confronted. She will concoct all sorts of stories to tell you why she is doing what or with whom. And you know deep inside that those are just lies. If you want to work things out, you have to tell her that. She will not admit to it but just let her know that you know things aren't right. Be prepared for a lot of angry outbursts from her because she will say that you are accusing her of a heinous crime and that you don't love her anymore. It's not easy dealing with an affair. I live each and everyday breathing it. I am in so much pain that someday I can't even feel my own existence anymore. You be strong.
Author princeemo Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 thank you everyone for your input.its getting easier everyday to live my life and I've started eating again.I'm not as angry anymore and I can look at my wife without disgust ir disdain, that is until we start talking about everything.I'm making her stay at her sisters for a few nights in order for her to realize that a life without me and our daughter is the path she's headed.so far she hasn't fought me about the idea and went very willingky.I also asked her to take an STD test tomorrow and she accepted to do it without heaitation.i know that if the results come back negative it doesn't necessarily mean she's innocent, what if it was just oral, or what if she used a condom etc. I just hope I can get back to a day where I don't look at her differently
sadcalifornian Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 All the talk about pregnancy, her taking showers coming home, and the series of slutty messages point to PA. It's hard to assume otherwise despite that one txt exchange you found. It is a sheer torture living with spouse wondering and doubting everything. Demand polygraph and see what she says.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 thank you everyone for your input.its getting easier everyday to live my life and I've started eating again.I'm not as angry anymore and I can look at my wife without disgust ir disdain, that is until we start talking about everything.I'm making her stay at her sisters for a few nights in order for her to realize that a life without me and our daughter is the path she's headed.so far she hasn't fought me about the idea and went very willingky.I also asked her to take an STD test tomorrow and she accepted to do it without heaitation.i know that if the results come back negative it doesn't necessarily mean she's innocent, what if it was just oral, or what if she used a condom etc. I just hope I can get back to a day where I don't look at her differently She doesn't love you. She is just rubbing this in your face and laughing behind your back that you are so stupid to believe it. Yes she did something very sexual with this guy... probably not the first time either.
findingnemo Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 I think she's having a PA and that now that she's been caught, she's cooling it a bit. Since you have some evidence in the form of text messages, perhaps exposure to the OMW would help in this case. They work together and it is safe to assume that if all things remain equal, they'll resume where they left off. Her staying at her sister's may have be something she wants because it affords her time to see him without worrying that you'll know. As you have been advised already, she will never ever tell you the whole story unless she's forced to. Is the man her boss?
stuma67 Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 I found out about my wife by looking at her phone also, it was the worst feeling I have ever felt. All I can say is if you really love her tell her that you forgive her but will not tolerate it a second time. Start the romance over, go on dates make out in the car do whatever it takes to show her how you feel and try to get back to place you were before. But first you need to confront the other guy and if need be beat his ass, also let his wife know there should be consequences for their actions. Best of luck
marriagemalpractice Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Bro, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Yes she cheated. And be aware that even if it was "just oral", you can still get certain STD's from oral. Because you're new to this game, you're likely to make all the mistakes. Plead, beg, cry, chase, make promises, blah blah blah. Please don't do it. If you're a religious man, go out TODAY and buy "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson and read it cover to cover. If you're not, go read up on the "180" by Michelle Wiener-Davis. As I said in another thread I just started, cheating is all about CONTROL. If you don't man up and take control of things yourself, believe me, she will take you through more hell than you can imagine. One other little piece of advice if I may: Get into counseling ASAP - but not marriage counseling! Get into individual counseling. Before you can do anything with your marriage - stay or leave - you need to come to a place of healing and decide what YOU WANT. One if the biggest mistakes many a BS makes (myself included) is that they fight tooth and nail for the marriage, only to discover months or years later that they don't want to be with a cheater, and wasted tons of effort and pain. I'm a pathetic little man myself, just trying to help someone else do better. Please know there are people here to support you. All the best.
Author princeemo Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 thank you everyone for your input.there are other people at her work that can keep tabs on her like a mutual friend and my dad.she changed her number and did an std test.also we've discussed that if she did or did not cheat on me im still willing to make this work and i have let her known that even if no contact was made this is all still grounds for divorce.ive almost considered taking up a one night stand just to make it even but that will most likely breed a new set of struggles
y2k Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 thank you everyone for your input.there are other people at her work that can keep tabs on her like a mutual friend and my dad.she changed her number and did an std test.also we've discussed that if she did or did not cheat on me im still willing to make this work and i have let her known that even if no contact was made this is all still grounds for divorce.ive almost considered taking up a one night stand just to make it even but that will most likely breed a new set of struggles There will be plenty of people here in the "save your marriage" camp. I'm not one of them. Cheating is grounds for divorce. "Trying to fix it" is for fools or weak people. Love yourself first!!!! She obviously cheated. If you keep her, don't be so shocked if one day you get home and there is a note left on your table stating that she's leaving you for a new man (either this guy or some other). She's not worth fighting for. Leave her and stay away from her, no matter how much she cries or begs you for forgiveness. In order to not fall for any trick she may pull, just imagine that scenario I left you.....the one of you getting home reading a letter of her leaving you for good for another man. Protect your assets from any divorce and organize yourself personally. You will find another woman who will want to be with you for real. Don't waste that precious time with your current wife. Let her go and be happy!!!
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 thank you everyone for your input.there are other people at her work that can keep tabs on her like a mutual friend and my dad.she changed her number and did an std test.also we've discussed that if she did or did not cheat on me im still willing to make this work and i have let her known that even if no contact was made this is all still grounds for divorce.ive almost considered taking up a one night stand just to make it even but that will most likely breed a new set of struggles Marriage counseling! It's the only way to start really working on things. Her excuse that you always just chase her for sex is retarded... it makes no logical sense. However, it makes sense to her because she is just thinking emotionally. Without professional help I'm not sure you can move forward with her.
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