Coffee date just turned into a formal date

[daphne]

So I swore that I would do coffee/drink dates only for first dates. I don't want to spend the 2-3 hours it takes to get ready, and have some guy I may never see again spend $$ on me for dinner. We agreed to meet up for just a coffee or drink.

 

And now, he has invited me to one of the nicer restaurants in the city. Namely, the same one that $$ bags can I take you to Paris for our 3rd date invited me to on our first date.

 

It's a nice problem to have, but I don't know how to turn this around to a more casual date. Suggest the Steak and Shake down the street??? I wanted him to see me somewhat casual, and then if we like each other knock his socks off with the mortgage paying shoes. Not the reverse.

 

On another note, our names are very related. Very goofy and high schoolish but they are.

Edited October 25, 2011 by daphne

[Imajerk17]

I'd tell him what you told us, daphne.

 

I like what you are saying about just wanting to get to know someone. One of these days some smart guy will snap you up. You seem far too cool and level-headed to be single!

[daphne]

Aw thanks. Honestly though, I had more takers when I was a bit more of a drama queen so I'm not sure being level headed is a good thing for a female??

 

I'll think about how to approach it tactfully. I think one thing I don't want to do, however, is shoot down his idea because I know that can be a turn off to a guy. If he suggests a monster truck show and your'e interested in him, you go to the red neck show. Even if you hate it. lol

 

I think he chose this place because we both speak French.

[carhill]

Thank him for his kindness and insist that his first selection was a superb idea and that you're looking forward to it but to keep in mind the other for the future.

 

'That sounds smashing. I'll keep it in mind for the future. Let's meet at xxxx (the place you originally agreed) and see how it goes'

 

This respects his suggestion and still conforms to your original plans and goal, to meet casually for a first date. A gentleman will need no further instructions.

[Art_Critic]

Thank him for his kindness and insist that his first selection was a superb idea and that you're looking forward to it but to keep in mind the other for the future.

'That sounds smashing. I'll keep it in mind for the future. Let's meet at xxxx (the place you originally agreed) and see how it goes'

 

This respects his suggestion and still conforms to your original plans and goal, to meet casually for a first date. A gentleman will need no further instructions.

 

Age before beauty nailed it

 

What a good suggestion...

[daphne]

I agree, it's a great suggestion. However, we never actually agreed on a place before. We just mentioned a coffee/drink date, which I assumed meant casual. Perhaps he only means to go get a drink at this restaurant.

 

I know when I was younger, I once rebuffed a perfectly great suitor when he offered to meet for drinks and if we liked each other dinner afterwards at a really nice restaurant. I felt like I had to meet some "standard" and it turned me off. In hind sight, I was a hard ass and a little unreasonable. Nevertheless, I don't want to insult this guy by suggesting I might not like him enough to commit to a real date. :/ I don't want to screw this up, because we have a lot in common and he definitely has potential.

 

Come to think of it, this guy looks like that guy.

[carhill]

Anywhere you meet him is a date. The date part is two adults meeting ostensibly to get to know each other with potential romantic interest. The venue is circumstantial. With the right man for you, one who embraces your apparent current desire to start 'casual', there will be no issues.

 

If we were conversing, I would have already suggested a casual venue to meet at. I mean, it's not rocket science. I've been doing it for 30+ years. I'm sure this guy has 'done it' far more than I have.

[thatone]

i think you're being unreasonable now.

 

what's the point? just go. you're applying some sort of reverse classism and a lot of assumptions about how you dress and where you go.

 

there's no way you can refuse his suggestion without him catching a whiff of that, either.

 

when i'm out in NOLA it's not uncommon to spend 200 dollars + for two people to have a meal, with a dress code required.

 

today, i had a burger from sonic on the way to visit some relatives.

 

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!? ......

 

 

.....nothing.

Edited October 25, 2011 by thatone

[NoReallyThatHappened]

Maybe you can throw in a "Great, I'll meet you at the bar!"

 

That will bring it back to the drinks level. If you get there and it goes great and you want to move to dinner then you can. Otherwise, you can gracefully bow out after your drink.

[carhill]

Daphne, you live in the UK, right? Is what you're envisioning for yourself consistent with your social class? I ask because I became aware of social classes, UK-style, while visiting. It's a bit different there, compared to the US, at least where I live in Cali. Things are extremely casual here. Perhaps they are more formal where you are. I'm used to meeting women casually for first dates. I'm used to meeting business owners in coffee shops in shorts and sandals to do business deals. That's where my advice is coming from and may not be appropriate to you.

 

If you changed your mind and agreed to a more formal dinner, what's the downside for you?

[musemaj11]

Something is wrong with this woman. All women love free dinners at expensive restaurants!

[carhill]

My remembrances of the OP, perhaps emphasized by her quote in the OP regarding the 'mortgage paying shoes', is that she's a woman of means and who is actively choosing to minimize affectations and emphasize elemental contact for first steps. Get 'real' at an elemental level. There's always another time and place to 'put on the dog' as my exW used to say. I can see value in her perspective but sense ambivalence about carrying it to fruition if/when faced with obstacles, like the man changing the plans to dinner at an expensive and upper echelon restaurant. She can clarify that.

[oaks]

So I swore that I would do coffee/drink dates only for first dates. I don't want to spend the 2-3 hours it takes to get ready, and have some guy I may never see again spend $$ on me for dinner. We agreed to meet up for just a coffee or drink.

 

And now, he has invited me to one of the nicer restaurants in the city.

 

Can you just say "Let's do something more casual for a first date, like going for drinks at xyz bar" ? Or "That's a great restaurant but you don't need to try to impress me like that for a first date; somewhere more casual will be fine." Or "I ate there recently so let's go somewhere else." or "That place is expensive and you don't know if you like me yet - let's go somewhere else."

 

Or, since you agreed to just meet for coffee or drink, remind him of that: "I thought we agreed to just meet for a drink, let's save dinner for the future and meet at xyz bar instead."

 

 

Anyway, good luck with the date!

[oaks]

Something is wrong with this woman. All women love free dinners at expensive restaurants!

 

 

Not at all. I like Daphne just the way she is.

[daphne]

i think you're being unreasonable now.

 

what's the point? just go. you're applying some sort of reverse classism and a lot of assumptions about how you dress and where you go.

 

there's no way you can refuse his suggestion without him catching a whiff of that, either.

 

when i'm out in NOLA it's not uncommon to spend 200 dollars + for two people to have a meal, with a dress code required.

 

today, i had a burger from sonic on the way to visit some relatives.

 

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!? ......

 

 

.....nothing.

 

I don't think it's any type of classism so much as me wanting to assert myself and try something different. I guess I don't want to invest myself for the first date until I see that the guy's not A) Seperated or recently broken up with someone B) Not a looney tunes C) Dealing with a psycho ex D) Other shenanigans.

 

I hear you about the whiff. I think that whereas I want to believe Carhill's "If this guy was meant for you he'd do casual or formal or whatever," I know that your first shot can be your last shot. And online daters are very, very skeptical and unforgiving. I should know.

 

Maybe you can throw in a "Great, I'll meet you at the bar!"

 

That will bring it back to the drinks level. If you get there and it goes great and you want to move to dinner then you can. Otherwise, you can gracefully bow out after your drink.

 

I think this is about the only way to do it. However, I'll still be in mortgage paying shoes. No way I can wear jeans and a sweater at this venue.

 

Daphne, you live in the UK, right? Is what you're envisioning for yourself consistent with your social class? I ask because I became aware of social classes, UK-style, while visiting. It's a bit different there, compared to the US, at least where I live in Cali. Things are extremely casual here. Perhaps they are more formal where you are. I'm used to meeting women casually for first dates. I'm used to meeting business owners in coffee shops in shorts and sandals to do business deals. That's where my advice is coming from and may not be appropriate to you.

 

If you changed your mind and agreed to a more formal dinner, what's the downside for you?

 

Car,

 

I'm actually in the US. I used to live in Paris. Where I am now is actually a fairly casual place. I would say, however, that when going out it tends to be a little more formal. Women deck out for dates. Sadly, not all guys do.

 

My remembrances of the OP, perhaps emphasized by her quote in the OP regarding the 'mortgage paying shoes', is that she's a woman of means and who is actively choosing to minimize affectations and emphasize elemental contact for first steps. Get 'real' at an elemental level. There's always another time and place to 'put on the dog' as my exW used to say. I can see value in her perspective but sense ambivalence about carrying it to fruition if/when faced with obstacles, like the man changing the plans to dinner at an expensive and upper echelon restaurant. She can clarify that.

 

Yes. And yes to the ambivalence. I think it stems from having done the dog and pony show and it having been a waste of time and the man's resources. I mean, it's fun if the date is fun, but I guess I wanted to save that for someone I want to see more than once.

 

I think I need to just go with the flow and stop overthinking it. I think him bumping it up to a real date indicates a high interest level and in case he's as awesome as he comes across, I don't want to screw with that.

[daphne]

Can you just say "Let's do something more casual for a first date, like going for drinks at xyz bar" ? Or "That's a great restaurant but you don't need to try to impress me like that for a first date; somewhere more casual will be fine." Or "I ate there recently so let's go somewhere else." or "That place is expensive and you don't know if you like me yet - let's go somewhere else."

 

Or, since you agreed to just meet for coffee or drink, remind him of that: "I thought we agreed to just meet for a drink, let's save dinner for the future and meet at xyz bar instead."

 

 

Anyway, good luck with the date!

 

I think that would be too harsh for me to try. I liked the idea of just meeting him at the bar of the restaurant and if it doesn't work out, we just jet out of there. There's a fine line between being yourself and setting boundaries and coming across as a pushy person who doesn't appreciate a guy's effort.

 

I had a gf who actually comandeered a date with a guy to a nicer, read more EXPENSIVE, sushi restaurant. I was shocked that the guy put up with it, but he was young so he probably learned a lesson there. And the worst part is she wasn't even interested. I told her not to waste either of their time if she didn't feel it. She wanted the freebie and felt entitled to it.

 

 

Not at all. I like Daphne just the way she is.

 

He he.

[EasyHeart]

How are you getting to the restaurant, Daphne? Is his mom driving you?

 

If so, you could just turn to her and say, "I think it's really sweet that Billy wants to spend his allowance on me, but would you please just take us to the coffee shop?"

 

Problem solved.

[thatone]

 

Yes. And yes to the ambivalence. I think it stems from having done the dog and pony show and it having been a waste of time and the man's resources. I mean, it's fun if the date is fun, but I guess I wanted to save that for someone I want to see more than once.

 

I think I need to just go with the flow and stop overthinking it. I think him bumping it up to a real date indicates a high interest level and in case he's as awesome as he comes across, I don't want to screw with that.

 

if you look at it from his point of view, that could be his way of suggesting that he's interested in you, that he doesn't feel like he's being taken advantage of for a free meal. and also possibly trying to see if you're comfortable in a more formal situation rather than t shirt and jeans. that's part of it for me if i suggest a higher end restaurant for one of the first few dates. if she refuses some place she isn't used to based on assumptions when she hasn't been there before, that says "closed minded" to me and is a sign we're probably not going to get along.

 

i agree on not overthinking it. just go.

[zengirl]

I've done that before. Not so much for the exact reason you want (I'm just really not a fancy places gal), but not so different either.

 

Here's what I do. I say the idea is lovely (it is) but say I'd rather get to know the guy somewhere more casual/my speed and give out some suggestions. If a guy is simply at a different speed, that's okay, but we're not going to like the same things/mindset in general. Most good guys --- at least the kind I'd want to date --- really appreciate a gal who isn't impressed by a fancy dinner and genuinely wants to get to know him. Granted, he's not going to suggest the fancy place when you want him to, then, maybe, but I never really want a fancy place except maybe for a fancy occasion (and even then, I'm fine without one) so I don't have a solution for that problem. So. . . mine might not work if you want a guy who wants to take you to those places later. In that case, I'd say, just go to the fancy dinner.

[thatone]

I've done that before. Not so much for the exact reason you want (I'm just really not a fancy places gal), but not so different either.

 

Here's what I do. I say the idea is lovely (it is) but say I'd rather get to know the guy somewhere more casual/my speed and give out some suggestions. If a guy is simply at a different speed, that's okay, but we're not going to like the same things/mindset in general. Most good guys --- at least the kind I'd want to date --- really appreciate a gal who isn't impressed by a fancy dinner and genuinely wants to get to know him. Granted, he's not going to suggest the fancy place when you want him to, then, maybe, but I never really want a fancy place except maybe for a fancy occasion (and even then, I'm fine without one) so I don't have a solution for that problem. So. . . mine might not work if you want a guy who wants to take you to those places later. In that case, I'd say, just go to the fancy dinner.

 

you can't make this silly apprehension sound better by projecting your opinions on to men in general.

 

i don't care whether my date is impressed by a restaurant or not. i like to go to those places. i'm sorry, a steak from ruth's chris is better than a steak from chili's, and i like my steaks.

 

if the woman i'm on a date with has some sort of preconceived notion about that (which, again, isn't true no matter how much you try to project yourself on to everyone else) then we're not going to get along very well and shouldn't be together.

[daphne]

How are you getting to the restaurant, Daphne? Is his mom driving you?

 

If so, you could just turn to her and say, "I think it's really sweet that Billy wants to spend his allowance on me, but would you please just take us to the coffee shop?"

 

Problem solved.

 

A$$. Point taken.

 

if you look at it from his point of view, that could be his way of suggesting that he's interested in you, that he doesn't feel like he's being taken advantage of for a free meal. and also possibly trying to see if you're comfortable in a more formal situation rather than t shirt and jeans. that's part of it for me if i suggest a higher end restaurant for one of the first few dates. if she refuses some place she isn't used to based on assumptions when she hasn't been there before, that says "closed minded" to me and is a sign we're probably not going to get along.

 

i agree on not overthinking it. just go.

 

I think that could be part of it. I would think you'd wait to see if you like someone before you decided to spend the money. But if you're used to it anyway, I guess it's not that big of a deal.

 

In my mind, I see when a guy wants to go to a nice restaurant, he's a little bit more invested in it than the average onliner and wants to impress me. I really like that. So I guess I'll stop whining and buck up and put on the jimmy choo's and new dress I bought.

 

Now if we do just end up getting drinks, I'm going to laugh at my over reaction.

[daphne]

I've done that before. Not so much for the exact reason you want (I'm just really not a fancy places gal), but not so different either.

 

Here's what I do. I say the idea is lovely (it is) but say I'd rather get to know the guy somewhere more casual/my speed and give out some suggestions. If a guy is simply at a different speed, that's okay, but we're not going to like the same things/mindset in general. Most good guys --- at least the kind I'd want to date --- really appreciate a gal who isn't impressed by a fancy dinner and genuinely wants to get to know him. Granted, he's not going to suggest the fancy place when you want him to, then, maybe, but I never really want a fancy place except maybe for a fancy occasion (and even then, I'm fine without one) so I don't have a solution for that problem. So. . . mine might not work if you want a guy who wants to take you to those places later. In that case, I'd say, just go to the fancy dinner.

 

I actually really like the restaurant he chose. It actually made me realize he has good taste. It's not that I'm impressed by a fancy dinner. I'm impressed by a guy who makes the effort. Also it's an issue of will we be compatible and like similar things.

 

i'm sorry, a steak from ruth's chris is better than a steak from chili's, and i like my steaks.

 

Yeah it is.