iris219 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 What I've been told by guys: "You're hard to read" (this is a common one; my current dating prospect used this one last night) "I thought you hated me" "I didn't think you wanted to see me again" or "I didn't think you were interested" "I don't know where I stand with you" "I feel like I'd have to work really hard with you" "I wish you needed me more" I don't even realize I'm being ambiguous until it's brought to my attention. How do I show I care more? I try to make an effort to do this, but I don't really know how. How do I make how I feel more clear? Any specific ideas? (I need specifics!) I'm trying to put forth more effort with this current guy, but I seriously don't know what to do. I'm already seeing red flags (I always do!), and that makes me nervous, but I'm trying to avoid backing off completely because of these, like I normally would. How do I express interest without seeming desperate or needy, while still being keenly aware of any dealbreakers?
thatone Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 smile. seriously, those shy smiles women have are worth a million words, it's as simple as that.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Sounds like you need to loosen up and have more fun. Are you smiling, laughing, bantering with him? Commenting on specific things he says that resonate for you? Smiling and sustaining eye contact? Do you tell him at the end of the night you had a wonderful time and he picked a great place? And so on. Happiness is attractive. Just have a good time.
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 recently you posted that usually you find dates to be tortuously boring. The guy is probably perceiving that!
thatone Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 applying my stereotypical assumptions i'm guessing the men in question feel like they're applying for a job or trying to pass some sort of test looking at your responses to them. been on my share of dates like that. if you hang on his every word with an accusing/distrustful demeanor then yeah, he's not going to be very impressed.
Author iris219 Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 The last two dates I went on (same guy) weren't tortuous; we had fun. I'm good at having a conversation and I'm good with witty banter. I smile and laugh while we're talking. I'm genuinely nice, not accusatory or difficult. What I don't do well: I don't say I had a good time, at least not first. They would have to say it first and then I'd respond positively. I'm not good at giving complements either. I know men like complements, so I'm trying to remember to do this, but it's something I often have to force. It doesn't come naturally to me. I'm really trying, but now I see there were several things I could have done differently on those dates. He hasn't tried to touch me, so I'm thinking that's a bad sign. I also said something that was a tad passive aggressive (because he said something that irritated me) and I wish I hadn't said it. If we go out again should I try to explain the comment I made or just leave it?
thatone Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 lack of compliments i don't think is necessarily a big deal. or maybe i'm just saying that because i can be guilty of the same thing. but i dress well and keep my car clean and open doors and all of those common courtesy things, and yeah, it's nice to hear a 'thanks' or a complement about such little things every now and then. i would guess the passive aggressive comment was the issue. i wouldn't try to explain it, that sounds like trying to justify it by pushing it off on him, just apologize. he could very well apologize for whatever he said too and the two of you wind up agreeing with each other.
Nexus One Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 recently you posted that usually you find dates to be tortuously boring. The guy is probably perceiving that! I can remember that too. She said the following about dating: Awkward, weird, depressing, waste of time.... Sometimes it feels like such a chore. I want to meet someone and have a relationship, so I'm required to go on dates, but it's really not fun. I feel relieved after the date I'll bet guys can sense that.
dasein Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Men actually say things like that to their dates in early dating? No matter how you act on dates, guys who say things like that are showing inexperience and incompetence. I mean maybe a comment after 10 or more dates and the girl is practically catatonic. Are you dating vapid pretty boys? sensitive arty types? metrosexual hipsters? if so, stop dating those types and consider dating real men and you won't hear stuff like this going forward.
Author iris219 Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 I had fun on these dates. They weren't awkward at all. He's smart, creative, and interesting. I looked forward to the second date. Not a chore at all! What he said that irritated me on the second date was something I didn't need to hear. Basically, based on a couple of his comments, I'm starting to think he's hooked up with every woman in town. That's why I got irritated. I can't even decide if he's worth dating. Am I being too judgmental?
Author iris219 Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 Men actually say things like that to their dates in early dating? No matter how you act on dates, guys who say things like that are showing inexperience and incompetence. I mean maybe a comment after 10 or more dates and the girl is practically catatonic. Are you dating vapid pretty boys? sensitive arty types? metrosexual hipsters? if so, stop dating those types and consider dating real men and you won't hear stuff like this going forward. I never thought of it this way, but any way that takes the blame off of me is fine by me.
Author iris219 Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 what did he say? He mentioned a couple women he had dated and made it clear that they had slept together. He knows that I know who these women are (I'm not friends with them, but I know of them.) It seemed inappropriate and unnecessary to bring it up.
thatone Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 in that case i agree with your assessment, inappropriate on his part.
dasein Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I never thought of it this way, but any way that takes the blame off of me is fine by me. It's been my experience that 10% of comments like "you are hard to read" or "I can't figure you out" are sincere legitimate comments originating in puzzling or inconsistent behavior and 90% are plain fishing or manipulation attempts. Shrug 9/10 of them off as noise. No experienced man would say things like that on early dates. If his concerns were legitimate, he would simply stop asking you out and move on to other prospects. The fact that he is bringing up whom he has slept with on early dates shouts out "vapid pretty boy." Whether he is or isn't you are wasting your time with this guy, he's a dud.
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