Ezekiel Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 For the first time in my life, I have no idea how to handle a relationship. I've always been good at reading signs and being able to communicate and resolve anything that ever came up relationship wise. Whether that meant it could be saved or not depended on the answers to the relevant questions. But now, I find myself in the craziest of places. A little back ground information. I'm 43. She's 25. Here goes my tale: I met a girl on a pet forum. It started as just friends. Each of us talking and helping each other through a bad break up. I made it clear I wasn't ready for a relationship. Especially a long distance one. The last one I had was with a woman from Australia. And the one I'm talking to now lives in England. I live in the US. She agreed that an LDR just wasn't something that would work. We talked for hours on end and really just enjoyed ourselves. Neither of us saw what happened next coming. We started "dating". The connection we felt was amazing. Sparks flew almost immediately. Love was a real emotion that we both felt but couldn't understand how or why since we'd only known each other briefly. It wasn't even until later that I saw her. So the emotions were based solely on compatibility and values that we both shared. And all this was without having seen each other. When she bought a web cam so we could have vid chats, the times online grew to where we were spending almost every free minute together. Again, enjoying each others company, never running out of things to say or having an awkward moment. The bond we felt was undeniable. Talks about love turned to her moving here to be with me. Marriage. A life together. Kids. The whole perfect picture. Then, just when things felt like they couldn't get any better or feel any stronger, her ex told her he still loves her. That sent her into a tail spin. Things with her and I went South. She said she had to still try with him. She had to see if the 6 years she'd spent with him were all for nothing or if there was something there to be salvaged. She reasoned that as long as she wondered, she wouldn't be able to give herself to me fully because there would still be thoughts of what could have been. I was crushed. She made it clear that she loved me. She didn't want to ever think of me out of her life. She wanted to stay close. Our relationship had been based on that of being friends and, even though love blossomed, at the heart of it, we really had become best friends. I tried to remain stoic. Be the best person I could be. Give her sound advice. Help her when things weren't going right. That wasn't easy. My first inclination was to point out all his faults. Demonize him in her eyes and sabotage their new start. I just couldn't though. That wouldn't have been fair to her or me. So, I remained as impartial as I could be. She and I remained close and at times, when neither of us were taking care to just stay friends, love would come through. She and I genuinely struggled with not letting it show and failed miserably a couple of times. She's recently started telling me that the thing they have isn't what she'd hoped. That maybe it was her not letting it develop because of how much she still loved me and wasn't able to turn those feelings off. But what could we do? I'd already told her the best thing to do was to try with him and see if what she thought was there was real or not. Here's the twist and what's taken me by surprise. As of yesterday, we're now in a "love triangle". Tired of trying to pretend our feelings weren't there, we talked about being in a relationship with both of us; he and I. She talked about it with him He wasn't happy about it, but was trying to do what he thought would make her happy because he knew about her feelings for me and the fact that she hadn't made up her mind about him yet. I have a woman I adore who loves two men and can't decide which life it is she wants. His or mine. She's been with him, like I said for 6 years and thought he was everything she could want. Like most relationships they had their ups and downs but always saw their way through. Till her and I met. I showed her a different type of love. A caring, warm, unconditional love and I made her see just how wonderful she really is. It's that kind of love that's making it hard for her to decide. She really does love him and wanted it to work, but....after me, she's not feeling the same way she had about him before and doesn't know if she can get it back. She's told me she loves me, shows me in fact, and that it was killing her thinking she'd lost me. So, here I am. I haven't a clue what I'm doing or why. I know what I see in her and what could be. But I don't really care too much for the position I find myself in. I told her I won't compete. If we can be us and let our love grow, instead of ignoring it, and she sees that what I offer her is what she wants then we'll be together. But, at the heart of it all, I guess I'm wondering why I'm trying so hard to make her see what she has with me. And, I guess, wondering why I'm not the stronger me that used to be. The one that would just tell her to go fly a kite if she doesn't think I'm the one that she should choose. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- My thoughts aren't the clearest and I'm sure this post is all over the place with info that isn't needed and lacking info that is. Any questions, and hopefully some honest insight, are more than welcome.
WhiteChocolate Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 But, at the heart of it all, I guess I'm wondering why I'm trying so hard to make her see what she has with me. And, I guess, wondering why I'm not the stronger me that used to be. The one that would just tell her to go fly a kite if she doesn't think I'm the one that she should choose. You are emotionally vulnerable; that makes the rash, i-dont-give-a-fk attitude harder to hold on to. It's not about being "strong" or not. You are a man, not a statue; and love can hurt. This entire situation just sucks. I don't really have an opinion, except I don't like the girl for being so wishy-washy. If I were a female friend of hers, I would tell her (in a nice way) to cut the BS and make up her mind already. I do believe that you can "love" two people at once; however, it is unfair to all of the parties involved if you don't make up your mind and COMMIT. Just my 2cents.
norajane Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 (edited) I guess I'm wondering why I'm trying so hard to make her see what she has with meIf you have to try that hard, she's not the right one for you. If she "loves" two men, the truth is she doesn't actually Love either of you. She is certainly not fully invested in either of you. And if she's not fully invested, her "love" doesn't amount to much. And, finally, a 25 year old and a 43 year old are rarely a good match. You are in two VERY different places in your lives, your heads, and your expectations of what comes next in life. Edited October 24, 2011 by norajane
Author Ezekiel Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 You are emotionally vulnerable; that makes the rash, i-dont-give-a-fk attitude harder to hold on to. It's not about being "strong" or not. You are a man, not a statue; and love can hurt. That's true. In all honesty, I'm an emotional wreck. I don't show it to her. I try to be ....I dunno..strong but at the same time honest with how I feel about her and about what I want. Inside though, I'm completely torn. My head tells me I don't need or deserve this. I should pack up what I have left of my self esteem and move on. My heart tells me she's a good girl in a bad spot and that true love will prevail. She'll see that what she thought was there with him isn't there anymore once she's had enough time and will give herself to me completely. This entire situation just sucks. I don't really have an opinion, except I don't like the girl for being so wishy-washy. If I were a female friend of hers, I would tell her (in a nice way) to cut the BS and make up her mind already. I do believe that you can "love" two people at once; however, it is unfair to all of the parties involved if you don't make up your mind and COMMIT. Just my 2cents. Here's where I kinda feel like a jerk. She was committed to trying with him. But, because of our close friendship, I was the one she shared all the worries with. We talk about everything, good and bad. At their best they were amazing but, I guess over time, he got comfortable and complacent. He really is trying harder, now, to be what he should be. To make her feel like shes loved, wanted and respected. But, for whatever reason, she hasn't felt the connection she'd hoped for and blames herself...possibly because of her feelings for me. I guess I feel like a jerk because I let my emotions rule me and allowed us to come to the fore again when really what she needs to do is either make it work with him or see it won't. I feel like now I'm just complicating things for her and him....but I also fear that if I just stand by and do nothing, she may settle for him? I just honestly have no idea where my head is at in this. I know better than to be doing what I'm doing. It can't be healthy. But, my heart is saying I should do this so we can let what we feel for each other happen and let her see why she isn't getting from him what she hoped she would. ----------------------------------------------------------- Reading this over, I'd tell myself to get my head outta my butt and move on. But, man... if love were only that easy.
Confusedbroken Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I think I should put my 2 cents in since I am in a LDR with a man in his forties and I am in my twenties!! I love him with all heart and there was a time before we started to date when I had to make a choice with who I wanted to be with, I chose him and never looked back!!! We are very compatible and I had no problem choosing, at that time I was just getting to know him, so I didn't know if I was going to fall for him, but I made my choice! She needs to make her choice!! She is being very inconsiderate!!!! I say cut her out of your life, she's just playing with both of you, she's having her cake and eating it too! I would not tolerate this!!! No matter what!! And this has nothing to do with age difference, If she choses you then I think that's great! But she needs to chose no matter what!!
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