ConfusedT Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 im back! AHHH =(. i have been NC for a while but I saw him on Sunday at a party and was crushed! We said nothing to each other, just stared and he gave me a weird face & i smiled like everything was ok. Still crushed, still hurt, but finally, or finally AGAIN, doing NC to break this terrible cycle that i am/was in. i was TOW for a while there (yes i know, disgusting) and I just couldn't allow myself to be disrespected like that any longer, so i stepped out of the situation. he has called and text on numerous occasions, but i have ignored. he has shown up to my house, but i didn't answer the door. it is KILLING ME to do this. i know this was the most toxic relationship ever and i believe this is playing a part in my process of letting go, but i am struggling pushing forward.. alone. i dont understand my emotions, they are insane back & forth, but it'll get better, right?? =/ losin hope, its been months..
D-Lish Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Yes, it will get better. Have you asked him to leave you be? Unfortunately it's hard to move forward when someone doesn't give you the space to heal. It's even harder to turn away from a relationship that you know is toxic, yet still harbour some feelings for the person. Good for you for recognizing that this relationship wasn't right for you and taking the steps necessary to walk away. That's a very difficult decision to stick to.
geegirl Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 It will get better. The healthy thing is that you recognize that it is toxic and you don't want to go back there again. Yes, it is playing a part in how you are letting go. I remember when my therapist asked me how I was feeling, I said, "I feel like someone threw me in the dryer and now I am stepping out not knowing which way is up or down." Toxic R's are harder to detach from so don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing a good job at self-control and keeping boundaries, no matter how much it hurts. Don't lose hope. It will take time. What's the alternative? Going back to being TOW?
Author ConfusedT Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 exactly, that is the ONLY alternative and i cant believe I even did that! I'm done breakin promises to myself to keep my promises to him! i feel like im in a dryer, GOOD THING IS- i don't cry anymore, it's strange, like at all, i have not cried a single tear is a long time (especially for me since i tend to be an emotional wreck) & honestly NO, i havent told him to leave me alone, i literally have not said ONE WORD TO HIM. even when he came to my house, he was knocking on the door. i turned on the light, looked out the window and we stared at each other. he threw his hands up like "what"? and i just shook my head, closed the blinds and went back to bed. i couldnt deal with him or that. i had like 10 missed calls and 10 texts that nite begging for me to answer the door? but i just didnt respond, no point & then i saw him the next day at the party. how AWKWARD was that? but yea, the emotions are crazy, but i must say i have come a LONG WAY. i dont even discuss anything with my friends anymore (i know i should) but i would rather talk to you all, who actually KNOWS and understands what i am going through!!
D-Lish Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 exactly, that is the ONLY alternative and i cant believe I even did that! I'm done breakin promises to myself to keep my promises to him! i feel like im in a dryer, GOOD THING IS- i don't cry anymore, it's strange, like at all, i have not cried a single tear is a long time (especially for me since i tend to be an emotional wreck) & honestly NO, i havent told him to leave me alone, i literally have not said ONE WORD TO HIM. even when he came to my house, he was knocking on the door. i turned on the light, looked out the window and we stared at each other. he threw his hands up like "what"? and i just shook my head, closed the blinds and went back to bed. i couldnt deal with him or that. i had like 10 missed calls and 10 texts that nite begging for me to answer the door? but i just didnt respond, no point & then i saw him the next day at the party. how AWKWARD was that? but yea, the emotions are crazy, but i must say i have come a LONG WAY. i dont even discuss anything with my friends anymore (i know i should) but i would rather talk to you all, who actually KNOWS and understands what i am going through!! Maybe at some point you might have to tell him to get lost in order to put an end to it all. Obviously your silence isn't having enough of an impact. Why can't you talk to your friends? Do you share a mutual group of friends? Are you afraid of something getting back to him or just concerned that you've overused your "minutes" when it comes to lamenting and don't want to be seen as a burden? It sounds like you have come a long way, that turning point will come when he has no further influence or affect on you. I just hit that point recently with my ex. Not that I don't still think about him or miss him- but I have embraced that we're wrong for one another and our relationship was also toxic in many ways. Have you considered dating again?
Author ConfusedT Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 all of our friends are mutual, except for like 2 of my girlfriends. and yes, i feel like i have overused my talking time about the situation entirely. I have felt like a burden for a LONG time. i rarely have good things to say *about anything relationship wise*, so i say nothing at all about the situation i guess. Oh honey, i have dated. biggest waste of time in my life. i am not emotionally capable of maintaining even a friendship on that level. i have went on numerous dates and they've all left a bittersweet taste in my mouth. moving on/letting go, but then again, maybe i just havent met the "right one" if they do indeed exist in the first place? CONGRATS on coming to that point!! I am so proud of you, how long did it take to not care/miss/worry? I cannnnnot wait to be at that point of indifference! I really think he will get the hint eventually. strange thing is, he is like a "bad boy ******* type", so for him to show up at my house trying to see me is 100% out of his character, entirely. left me so bewildered. lol
D-Lish Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 all of our friends are mutual, except for like 2 of my girlfriends. and yes, i feel like i have overused my talking time about the situation entirely. I have felt like a burden for a LONG time. i rarely have good things to say *about anything relationship wise*, so i say nothing at all about the situation i guess. Oh honey, i have dated. biggest waste of time in my life. i am not emotionally capable of maintaining even a friendship on that level. i have went on numerous dates and they've all left a bittersweet taste in my mouth. moving on/letting go, but then again, maybe i just havent met the "right one" if they do indeed exist in the first place? CONGRATS on coming to that point!! I am so proud of you, how long did it take to not care/miss/worry? I cannnnnot wait to be at that point of indifference! I really think he will get the hint eventually. strange thing is, he is like a "bad boy ******* type", so for him to show up at my house trying to see me is 100% out of his character, entirely. left me so bewildered. lol I know about playing the "I'm okay" game so as not to burden my friends. I even got to the point where I'd felt I'd overused my minutes here on LS! It took about 5 1/2 months to really feel good. We broke up in April, we had NC for over 5 months, then met for 48 hours of closure. Just talking- no sex... But it gave me the closure I needed to feel better about myself, and pave a new path for me to venture onto. If he truly is the bad boy type, your rejection of him has got to be a huge blow to his ego- hence the post break-up pursuit. He may get the hint, it's probably going to take him longer than most guys given that you describe him as a "bad boy"... Ego's like that are hard to deal with.
BLuvv Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 exactly, that is the ONLY alternative and i cant believe I even did that! I'm done breakin promises to myself to keep my promises to him! i feel like im in a dryer, GOOD THING IS- i don't cry anymore, it's strange, like at all, i have not cried a single tear is a long time (especially for me since i tend to be an emotional wreck) & honestly NO, i havent told him to leave me alone, i literally have not said ONE WORD TO HIM. even when he came to my house, he was knocking on the door. i turned on the light, looked out the window and we stared at each other. he threw his hands up like "what"? and i just shook my head, closed the blinds and went back to bed. i couldnt deal with him or that. i had like 10 missed calls and 10 texts that nite begging for me to answer the door? but i just didnt respond, no point & then i saw him the next day at the party. how AWKWARD was that? but yea, the emotions are crazy, but i must say i have come a LONG WAY. i dont even discuss anything with my friends anymore (i know i should) but i would rather talk to you all, who actually KNOWS and understands what i am going through!! T, You are stronger than you know. If my ex had shown up at my door, I wouldn't have been able to turn around and not open it. Give yourself the credit you deserve! I'm having a tough day today, but I also haven't cried in a while. I'm also one who cries at the drop of a hat normally, but strangely haven't. It's like I've been coasting along for a while, just kinda stuck at this numb point and then bam today I'm struggling. The emotions are crazy. And yeah, I struggled so much with my one very toxic relationship. I do think they are much harder to get past. This one, I don't even know what to think- the year of FWB I think has messed with my mind so much, it's just made things that much harder. So keep going and don't lose hope. I know I'm struggling with that right now, but at least we have each other here on LS for support! B
Recommended Posts