MoonlightFlower Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 (edited) This is really hard to go through and I should have probably done it a long time ago. It all began four years ago when I met my boyfriend on an online forum and we started talking. He was from a different country so the first year of the relationship all we did was talk on the internet and on the phone; all that time was great and we understood each other really well, we had the same views on life, he was emotionally available and caring. After a year, he decided to come live with me and things were good for the most part, only that in the first few months there were a few occasions where he would get upset over any simple misunderstanding and he was acting really childish (turning his back on me, refusing to talk for about an hour, etc.). I made the mistake of not talking about those incidents even thigh inside I was growing a bit frustrated. Then, things have progressed from that to us having moments in which we wouldn't agree on something and each time I tried to talk to him about something that bothered me he would avoid discussing it, which in turn made me raise my voice and then he would call me out of control or use the fact that I raised my voice as an excuse to ignore me, telling me that until I dropped the attitude he wouldn't talk. So things got more heated in that I was still talking about whatever I needed to talk about, yelling at him for ignoring me, he was yelling back too but he kept finding me the only one responsible for how things went - he became more and more verbally abusive and he kept making sarcastic comments about me and everything I was trying to tell him. Each time I was trying to open up to him, he would turn it against me with his comments mocking the way I felt. This lasted for a few months and all this time, each time we would fight, he would jolt like I was about to hit him even though I wasn't going to. I decided to talk to him about it and it seems that his ex girlfriend used to hit him when they fought, but he still would react like I was going to hit him, until one day when I eventually did, I slapped his face. And from there on, each time we would fight, I would slap his face, which made me feel like a horrible person and instead of stopping my behavior, I kept doing it. When we weren't fighting I talked to him about how I felt about everything, how I felt about myself slapping his face, and how I felt he was hurting me through his attitude. He was the most loving and understanding person up until we started having a conflict. Then things got even worse and as he was getting more verbally aggressive, I would get more violent. I wasn't just slapping him, but sometimes I would even bite his hands, especially when we used to struggle. Sometimes we were just fighting and I was getting closer to him, while we were still arguing, and he, thinking that I was going to hit him, would push me around which made me hit him. Last year, after three years of being in a relationship, he confessed that while he was still in his country he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend, for like six or seven times, spread though almost all the period he was still there. He said he has to confess because he couldn't have secrets from me anymore, and when I asked him why it took him so long, his answer was that he first wanted me to know him really well and be sure that he loves me, so that I wouldn't leave him. This whole thing made me lose my trust in him completely, especially because while we were almost all day long talking on the phone or on the internet, he kept making up these stories about how much he thought it was important that we were completely honest with each other, that he would never lie to me or cheat on me, and that he wanted to make sure that I wouldn't cheat on him either. I talked to him about how I felt about him lying to me for so long and about how selfish I thought he was about how he handled things, and he pretty much seemed to agree and I was stupid enough to believe him. After this, the fights got even worse, he would not accept listening to when I had to say whenever it was a matter of him simply forgetting to do something and me reminding him, or being upset over it. He would almost always find an excuse for everything, and the more I tried to show him he was being overly-defensive, the more he would find the weirdest things to say as an excuse. And then all the yelling and fighting. I ended up not knowing how to talk to him about more bothersome stuff, I started freaking about about the fact that I was still slapping him, and everything I would tell him that was related to something I knew he wouldn't like to hear about came out yelled... I tried to talk to him about the possibility of breaking up because I wasn't feeling happy with myself and the way I treated him anymore, I felt judged and mocked by him, and I felt that I simply couldn't take it anymore. He then promised he would change and not get defensive anymore, that he will listed to my concerns and simply accept that I can talk to him about things that made him feel uncomfortable. So we gave it another shot and it failed, more promises, more problems. When we would fight, he'd take all his promises back saying that he didn't know what he was talking about, or blaming me for forcing him into making those promises. This is where I am at right now, feeling horrible about myself and the way I am hitting him when we fight, feeling completely unable to simply talk freely, feeling judged by him, and not being able to leave this relationship, I don't even know why. I don't even recognize myself anymore... I never used to be violent, I never used to feel in all the ways in which I feel when we are fighting. I don't even know what's my part of the responsibility and what isn't. I don't think it is justified to hit someone, no matter how verbally abusive they are, but I can't control my emotions anymore and this scares me. I never saw myself as an abusive person before and I feel really bad for not being able to control myself when he hurts me; I'm perfectly aware that no matter how hurtful he can be, I am still in control of my own emotions and actions, and yet I can't gain any seeling of control over myself when we start fighting. I keep fooling myself with the idea that he loves me, which he might in his own way, but when it comes to feeling any empathy from him whenever t is needed, all he know to do is hurm te where he knows it hurts most... I know that the best thing to do is to leave this relationship and then resolve this problem I created for myself on my own, but I can't break up with him because I love him too much and because when we're not fighting we're really close and we can talk about anything and do anything we want together, but this obviously isn't enough and I am destroying myself... Edited October 24, 2011 by MoonlightFlower
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