2 months post break-up, didn't need ex until now. What is the protocol here?

[appletini]

My posts here tapered off after my (amicable, mutual) breakup because I thought that I was miraculously healing and moving on. My personal life was in great shape: new apartment, new dates, new friends, exciting new job prospects. No crazy binge-drinking rebound stage.

 

Then things have quickly spiraled down the drain in the past couple of weeks. I'm an only child who lives across the country from her parents (and five hours away from her closest relatives). While I have tons of fun, enjoyable "best" friends here, many are more fair-weather friends who get uncomfortable when conversation gets too weighty. I don't blame them for this whatsoever, as I too have been in a position of not knowing quite how to react to a friend's tragedy.

 

The situation is this: Both of my parents suffer from chronic and degenerative diseases, although thus far neither has been terminal. However, over the past month, both have shown indications of cancer (among other things) and are in the process of being tested. My dad's tests have come back somewhat promising, although his multiple sclerosis seems to be rapidly declining. My mom, however, is in a worse position. While there is no formal prognosis (and it's certainly not a "6-12 months left" sort of thing), it has been generally accepted at this point that what she has will progress into full-blown cancer over the coming years, that it will be inoperable, and that due to her other health conditions, she would not survive radiation or chemo. She also told me last night that she would refuse both treatments. We had a long conversation in which it became clear that she is preparing for the end of life, and that she essentially wants it since the last 5 years have been extraordinarily physically painful for her. She doesn't expect to live more than a few more years, and my understanding is that her doctors have confirmed this suspicion.

 

Sorry for the long backstory, but the crux of the issue is that I feel utterly alone and am badly in need of my ex. He told me during the breakup that he was always a phone call away and that he still loved me despite us not being compatible for the long term ("not now at least, but I hope we can cross paths again in the future"). I reached out to him around his birthday via brief text, but he replied that he was still struggling to deal with the breakup and he was not ready to be friends yet. Fair enough.

 

Yet... I don't know who else to turn to. Talking to either parent is extremely sensitive and difficult, and I'm not close to relatives. My friends are squeamish and awkward over this topic. My ex went through very similar thing with his own parents, which is why he was always the best support for me in these times. What do I do?

[Buttercup84]

I am so sorry for what you are going through , and my thoughts are with your parents. I really feel for you , and if we lived in the same city I would offer a shoulder to cry on . You are always welcome to come on here and talk to people , even PM me if you need to vent . I am good listener

 

When things get hard in my life I always think of calling my ex first , but I won't as he is no longer with me and the person I can turn to .

 

Maybe contact your doctor or hospital to ask if they're support groups for people like you ? it is good to talk to someone professional .

 

I do not want to sound like a bitch but real good friends are there for you no matter what and will listen.

[Doona]

I know exactly what you are going through, I'm amazed that someone else is going through a similar thing to me.

 

I am also an only child, my mom has always had tumors and epilepsy ever since I can remember. The tumors she has grow on your nerves but are not cancerous, shes currently in a wheelchair from a spinal operation that went wrong, half her face has gone numb from a brain operation. In the last two years my dad started to get sick and they didn't know what is was, eventually they thought it was MS, turned out it wasn't, but they STILL don't know what it is. It has effected his walking and I'm so worried he will end up in a wheel chair too. He was also diagnosed with cancer about 5 months ago. My ex broke up with me a week ago, and I'm also feeling alone. He also told me that he will always be there for me, but I just cant bother him with my problems

 

Sorry I dont want to turn this around to be about me, but I thought it would help you to hear someone else's story who's in a similar situation.

 

I have been trying to focus on myself and do whatever I can that will make me even the slightest bit happy. My parents also live far away, so I try phone them and skype them as much as possible.

[appletini]

Doona I got chills reading that because our situations are so eerily similar. What's happened with your dad (before the cancer diagnosis) is exactly what my mom dealt with most of her life - a series of debilitating problems and no one seems to know what they are or how they are connected. It makes it almost worse than knowing, because no one knows the correct course of action. Being an only child does not help either, as I'm sure you know... from an early age I got tired of all the cracks about how I must be spoiled, self-centered, etc. and how it "must be nice" not having to share. Well, when you grow up in a very sick household, it would be very nice to have another healthy kid to help bear the burden.

 

I know you say you've been working on yourself... can you tell me more about how you do that? My biggest problem is that I struggle with doing silly things like dating and partying when something this monumental is hanging over me.

[joseph17]

Going through illnesses in your family are hard to deal with but yo always have someone to turn to here. Contacting your ex in a time of need is not a good idea especially when you are in that vulnerable mood. you wouldn't want mixed feelings or start something just because of a tragedy. Take your time and heal keep coming on here to tell us how you feel.

 

Good Luck

[Doona]

I find it so crazy that someone else is going through the same things as me, I really thought no one could even understand what I am going through as it's very rare.

 

My dad started to get numbness in his feet but kept quiet about it, it was only until the numbness started to effect his legs and his lower body that he went to the doctor. They could not figure out what it was, he went for numerous tests (I think he's had about 4 lumber punctures in the last 2 years). They tested for everything and anything, eventually they were convinced it was MS, but the test came out negative. They also thought is was leukemia but that was also negative. The numbness got worse and worse and it started to effect his balance, so he couldn't walk properly without some sort of support. The doctors still think it's MS, even though the tests came out negative. He had a bladder operation in May, as the numbness was effecting his bladder. This is when they found out he has prostrate cancer, so he had to have treatment for that. They still do not know what is wrong with him as the cancer was a total separate thing. He has to take quarterzone everyday, as this is the only thing that seems to help the numbness. I worry so much as it's bad to take quarterzone for long periods of time (he's been taking it for the last two years). He has gotten so thin and weak and has to use a frame to help him walk, I know what you mean by not knowing what is wrong, I wish they could just diagnose him with something so they can fix it. How do they know that your mom will develop cancer? Sorry, I do not know much about MS.

 

I always wished for a sibling so that I could have someone to talk to, who knows exactly what I'm going though. I've always told people that it's really not nice to be an only child, it can be very lonely even though I had lots of friends.

 

My ex and I have only been broken up a week so I'm also still trying to figure out what I can do that makes me feel ok, nothing could make me happy right now. I saw you read my post about sleeping with my ex last night, I had a very bad day today. I tried to keep it together at work and then when everyone left I cried my eyes out, I felt I needed to get it out. After I was done, instead of going home and feeling sorry for myself, I went for a run with a friend. We chatted lightly about the break up and where I need to go from here. I have to find a new place to live, so we discussed all my options. I went over to her place and had dinner with her and her bf. I'm now at home and feeling a lot better than earlier. When ever I'm feeling really down I give myself time to cry and be sad but then I make myself go do something, even if my friends are busy I will then go for a run on my own (I normally hate running, but now I love it as it makes me feel better). I've made a promise to myself that I must do all that I can to try get over this break up in a healthy way. My last break up 5 years ago I went through hell, by drinking and experimenting with drugs, it just made it worse.

 

I have also bought some herbal pills for my anxiety as sometimes it all feels a bit too much and I'm going to have a break down. These pills help me to be calm (it doesn't always work, but it definitely helps). I have also tried to keep busy all the time, my thoughts are my worst enemy, I already have my weekend planned and its only monday. I'm a lot more open to do things that I wouldnt do before, as I know I would rather being doing something/anything than sitting at home thinking about my ex and my parents.

 

I'm lucky that my parents live 2 hours away so I can visit them on the weekends if i want to. I cant do it very often, but i do try speak to them on skype. My parents always have a way to make me feel better, even though they are both so sick and have their own problems. I want to focus my attention on the relationships that matter to me, not on my ex who does not want me in his life.

 

I hope this has helped you a bit, we should chat more often, as we are going through the same thing, we can help each other

[vsmini]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

 

It will not do you any good to call your ex. You will just get upset when you see that he can't be there for you like he used to be. You will get disappointed and feel even more alone after you hang up the phone with him.

 

He is no longer your boyfriend so he won't be acting like it- the same level of care and compassion will most likely not be there. I know it's tempting to turn toward your old boyfriends in times like these but they don't do much good.

 

Bottom line - he can't be there for you like you need him to be. It isn't his job to be and it's time to let him go.

[appletini]

Thanks everyone. You're all right, and I have not contacted him... vsmini, I see that exact scenario playing out, because while 99% of the time my ex was extraordinarily caring (to even people he didn't like much), 1% of him could be extremely cold and apathetic. I don't want to see that side of him right now.

 

 

Doona I'm so sorry to hear about your parents - I've watched the same thing play out with both of mine (not exact same symptoms, but very similar). It's great that yours live relatively close. Skype is a good idea too. Also, you're right: dealing with a breakup in a healthy way is so important even if it doesn't come naturally. I've found the same thing to be true that allowing myself to feel really, really down is actually healing.

 

Let's definitely stay in touch - do you know when PM works on this board?

[Doona]

Hi Appletini, nit sure how PM works on this board as I'm new here. Let me know how it works and we can stay in contact