wheredowego Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Hi folks. I'm in a strange place right now and would appreciate any and all thoughts on my situation. I'm 23 years old, and for more than three years, I've been dating an amazing girl, named J. I couldn't find a flaw with her if I tried, and our relationship has a very firm foundation. We're pretty serious and until recently, there were zero doubts about our long(er) term potential. Really, we're a very good match, and she's everything I could ask for or want. So I wasn't too concerned when our relationship had to be long distance for a while. I've been living/working abroad for a few months (we're American, and I'm currently on the other side of the world), and will be for quite a few more. But we've managed the distance okay so far, we've adjusted, and I was planning to visit her in a few weeks (still am - it'll be the only time I see her until I return home for good). There is another American, named B, living and working in the same city, through the same organization. She's the only American of the same age around for hundreds of miles, so naturally we've become pretty close over the past few months - cooking dinner together, traveling together on the weekends, generally hanging out. Honestly, I'd already call her one of my closest friends. No problem with that. But things have taken a turn. We were strictly platonic at first, then our flirting was obvious but harmless, then we went on a weekend trip together and confessed mutual crushes on each other. Relatively out of the blue, and yet something about it felt inevitable. I don't know. We ended up in bed together, cuddling and kissing the whole night (but no more than that). (She is 22, and she has a long-term, long distance boyfriend herself.) Obviously, this is not okay behavior for people who are in relationships with other people. The problem is, I think we've fallen pretty hard for each other. We can't deny our feelings for each other. And so we're both feeling guilty and confused and unsure of what to do. We're both in committed, loving, serious relationships, and yet we've developed these feelings for each other, too. Is it just convenience? Is it just because we've all each other has got at the moment? Maybe. Yet she's pretty great, too. But I love J. But if I love J, how can I feel this way about B? So I'm not sure what to do, I'm not sure why I feel this way or how I should feel, and I'm totally at a loss as to where to go from here. B and I talked about it the morning after, and we both felt guilty and agreed to tell our significant others what happened. We can't avoid each other (even if we stop hanging out, we will still regularly see each other professionally - and it's gonna be an extremely lonely year if we do stop hanging out). Does anyone have any thoughts or comments? I'm just feeling very confused right now and would appreciate any outside input. Please let me know if there are other details I could provide that would be helpful. And thanks!
Confusedbroken Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 I have a bias opinion about this situation. See I've been terribly afraid that my long distance bf is going to fall for this girl that he has become friends with, see his boss's wife is a really nice lady and has invited my bf to hang out all the time because her husband doesn't like to go out well she always invites her best friend who my bf has become friends with. Now I never thought much about it until recently I called him on a week day after he got off work and he was hanging out with that girl! I started to kinda feel jelous I guess cuz I don't get to see him when ever I want and this woman gets to see MY BF every fing day!!! Anyway, You can see where my bias opinion is heading. I think that you should not try to start anything with B. First of all you will have to see her all the time from work, if you start something then it gets ugly then you will have to see her all the time and it won't be pretty. Maybe you should break up with j because obviously you can develop feelings for other women and it's not fair to her at all! She is prolly sitting at home trusting you completely and being a good gf and not kissing and cuddling with anyone else while you are being a horrible bf and flirting & kissing another woman!!! Not cool at all!!! So my advise is break up with J, stay friends and hangout with B BUT just keep it platonic for work sake!!
TokyoG33kyGal Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 living abroad is kinda lonely sometimes and when you find someone who have something in common with you, you get infatuated and we think we're in love with that person. if you were both in the same place as your SO, there's no chance that you will even notice this girl. what's happening right now is you're filling in the void that belongs to your gf and this girl is doing the same thing because of her bf.
Author wheredowego Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 Thank you for your input! living abroad is kinda lonely sometimes and when you find someone who have something in common with you, you get infatuated and we think we're in love with that person. if you were both in the same place as your SO, there's no chance that you will even notice this girl. what's happening right now is you're filling in the void that belongs to your gf and this girl is doing the same thing because of her bf. This is particularly helpful, and I think it's a great point. You may be right. This is at the heart of my dilemma, really: are my feelings for B genuine, deep, and real? Or are they just the result of our mutual loneliness and convenience? I wish there was a way to tell for sure.
chick-lee Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 if you were both in the same place as your SO, there's no chance that you will even notice this girl. what's happening right now is you're filling in the void that belongs to your gf and this girl is doing the same thing because of her bf. Completely agree with Tokyo. If you were not the only eligible guy around and she was not the only eligible girl around would you even be having the same feelings? If you were home and worked with this B. girl would it make any type of impact on your relationship with J. My guess would be no. You are far from home and only have one person you feel you can deeply connect with, you are lonely and miss physical contact with a female. She just happens to be the closest one at the moment. That is unless you have down played how you feel about B.
she cooks Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 I also completely agree with Tokyo. Re: your other question(s), if/how and wishing you could know your feelings about B were genuine, I'd ask you to think about what will happen when the year is up and you return to America? America is a very big place, so there are no guarantees that you would want or be able to continue in a relationship with B. I think you are just young and lonely, and confused. If I were you, I'm not sure I'd even tell J about what you did. You know you made a mistake, and that you love her. You made a poor decision. But when you return to the States, that is the person you want to come home to. Don't jeopardize that. No, I don't condone cheating. But if you feel that you made a genuine mistake, then move on from it. And that means not cheating with B in other ways, such as by communicating so openly with here. There are types of emotional betrayal, too, that don't involve kissing and cuddling. If J is who you love and want, try to get the perspective that one year abroad is not that much in the grand scheme of your life. And cool it with the other woman. Best of luck!
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