effic Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 (edited) Met a man at work, shortly before leaving my old job. He started talking to me by randomly asking me to help with his big marketing project... there's no reason he should've asked ME, cuz I'm not one of the marketing specialists. Then, he'd initiate going to lunch with me daily, ask about my family/upbringing/ future plans, say he wanted to meet my cats, compliment random things like my necklace... he seemed nervous & wouldn't make much eye contact but when he did, I definitely got that "vibe." On the last day before I changed jobs, he asked if I had weekend plans, then got my # and invited me out to the bar that night with him & his guys, told me to bring any friends I wanted. At the bar, he only talked to me & my friends the entire night (who are all engaged/married). He was clearly trying to impress them -- went right up to my best friend, shook her hand, said "you must be Jessie, I've heard a lot about you, how's the art show stuff coming along?" At the end of the night, he hugged me, asked how busy I was in the upcoming week, said "we'll have to meet soon about my project, & also, definitely let me know if you want to hang out again sometime... these guys & I go out quite a bit on weekends." He does not give off any sort of player vibe. Seems nervous/like he wants to impress me, and was hands-off all night except for the hug. Do you think I can ask him on a one-on-one date this week, like to get dinner? I don't chase men, but he's made all the effort thus far. Edited October 24, 2011 by effic
CarrieInNYC Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Yes, definitely, absolutely. Sounds like he'd be flattered. Why not?
Author effic Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 Thanks. My only hesitation is the idea that "men value what they have to work for." If I ask him out, then maybe I'll look desperate or maybe it'll simply make him feel differently about me because it was too easy / it wasn't his initiative. The only reason i'm considering it is because I don't think I've done a great job of showing him I'm even romantically interested. I'm flirtatious and outgoing, but he even made a comment (with a smile on his face) to my best friend about how I'm such a friendly person in general, so he may not be getting any specific signs.
Leegh Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Thanks. My only hesitation is the idea that "men value what they have to work for." If I ask him out, then maybe I'll look desperate or maybe it'll simply make him feel differently about me because it was too easy / it wasn't his initiative. The only reason i'm considering it is because I don't think I've done a great job of showing him I'm even romantically interested. I'm flirtatious and outgoing, but he even made a comment (with a smile on his face) to my best friend about how I'm such a friendly person in general, so he may not be getting any specific signs. I agree it would be much better if he took the initiative, but then again if he didn't get any specific signs of interest on your part he may hesitate, even though it sounds like he's interested in you. Possibly, you could email or call him with a work related question, and then see if he asks you out.
Author effic Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 (edited) I have a story from my new job that I know he'll appreciate. Maybe i'll just text him "ha, thought of you when this happened this morning..." But he still may think i'm just being friendly. sometimes, I feel like you have to be direct with men, dont beat around the bush. especially if my signals havent been clear before.. i actually overheard him telling my friends (with a smile) that I just seem so outgoing & friendly all the time. meaning: he may not think he's anything "special" to me. Edited October 24, 2011 by effic
silvermercy Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Think of it this way: Yes, men love to chase, but if he stops being interested after you initiate things for once, then you wouldn't lose some big prize now, would you? Best case scenario: he's thrilled Worst case scenario: his interest fades Worst of the worst case scenario: he's really very interested but since you do nothing you miss a great opportunity!!
Author effic Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 Yes, and it's not like I'm making "the first move." He did the asking to lunch, asking for my #, inviting me out in a group.
Author effic Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 (edited) We've been texting back & forth just a couple msgs per day... I know how busy he is at work.. Each of us will take like 8 hrs to respond. Maybe I could call, say which days I was free to discuss his marketing project, then add, "maybe we could grab dinner too before we discuss it." would that sound enough like a date? Edited October 27, 2011 by effic
musemaj11 Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 We've been texting back & forth just a couple msgs per day... I know how busy he is at work.. Each of us will take like 8 hrs to respond. Maybe I could call, say which days I was free to discuss his marketing project, then add, "maybe we could grab dinner too before we discuss it." would that sound enough like a date? Ask him out on a date then expect him to initiate the next date. If he is interested he will be eager to reciprocate. If he doesnt, stop and dont make anymore move.
Author effic Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 I'm just worried avout the possibility that he is interested, but if I asked him out he'd automatically be turned off cuz he'd think a woman feeling the need to ask = desperate... OR that he'd decline cuz he already seemed so nervous even when askIng me to lunch @ work, so he'd decline cuz he would've wanted to hang out in groups more first
Leegh Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 We've been texting back & forth just a couple msgs per day... I know how busy he is at work.. Each of us will take like 8 hrs to respond. Maybe I could call, say which days I was free to discuss his marketing project, then add, "maybe we could grab dinner too before we discuss it." would that sound enough like a date? What about the possibility of you calling him and arranging to meet him for the marketing project, as you suggested, then hopefully after the meeting he will suggest going for dinner or a movie. If he doesn't ask you out, posssibly you could say to him at the end of the meeting "Gee, I'd really like it if you ask me out sometime".
musemaj11 Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 (edited) I'm just worried avout the possibility that he is interested, but if I asked him out he'd automatically be turned off cuz he'd think a woman feeling the need to ask = desperate... OR that he'd decline cuz he already seemed so nervous even when askIng me to lunch @ work, so he'd decline cuz he would've wanted to hang out in groups more first Well, its your choice. You dont have to ask him out if you dont want to. Personally, if Im already interested in a woman, it makes no difference who asks who first. In fact I would be flatter if she asked me first and I will make sure that Im going to repay her by initiating the next date. If he doesn't ask you out, posssibly you could say to him at the end of the meeting "Gee, I'd really like it if you ask me out sometime". Now thats desperate in my eyes. That make you sound like you are begging to be asked out. Once a girl whom I knew liked me told me, "Hey, buy me a dinner." That was like the most repulsive thing I ever heard and long story short, I pretended like I didnt hear her. Edited October 27, 2011 by musemaj11
Leegh Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Well, its your choice. You dont have to ask him out if you dont want to. Personally, if Im already interested in a woman, it makes no difference who asks who first. In fact I would be flatter if she asked me first and I will make sure that Im going to repay her by initiating the next date. Now thats desperate in my eyes. That make you sound like you are begging to be asked out. Once a girl whom I knew liked me told me, "Hey, buy me a dinner." That was like the most repulsive thing I ever heard and long story short, I pretended like I didnt hear her. Obviously, she would not say it like that "Hey, buy me a dinner". But when a girl does ask you out, if she texts you and says she'll be in touch with you, do you wait for her to contact you, or do you take the initiative at that point? I still think it's better if the guy does the asking, but in certain situations, guys do need strong encouragement.
musemaj11 Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 (edited) Obviously, she would not say it like that "Hey, buy me a dinner". Its the same thing to me. I had been taken for a ride a few times before. A girl hinting that she wants me to take her out translates to her asking me to wine and dine her in my internal decoder. It puts me on high alert. Unless she had already shown a sign of generosity toward me before (The last girl I asked out, bought an extra scantron on a test day for me because she knew I always forgot to buy one. That small thing let me know that she was a considerate girl whom I could trust.) But when a girl does ask you out, if she texts you and says she'll be in touch with you, do you wait for her to contact you, or do you take the initiative at that point?Are you serious? What does 'Ill be in touch' even mean? Thats like the most vague thing someone can say to another person whom he/she is interested in. I still think it's better if the guy does the asking, but in certain situations, guys do need strong encouragement.I dont necessarily believe that doing the asking is the job of any gender. But I told my own sister that she can ask a guy out, but only if the guy is more on the reserved type of guy and he already let her know that he is interested. Edited October 27, 2011 by musemaj11
Author effic Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 Well, its your choice. Personally, if Im already interested in a woman, it makes no difference who asks who first. In fact I would be flatter if she asked me first and I will make sure that Im going to repay her by initiating the next date her. But by that logic, if a man is so interested then y hasnt he already asked the woman out himself? Although I guess this guy asked my #, invited me outt, AND while out suggested going to get food afterward- and he only said it to me. I don't know, I guess I was expecting that within a few days he'd certainly ask me out by text/phone. But again, he may not even think I'm interested & teres also the fact that he mentioned he just got wisdom teeth out yesterday & is in a lot of pain & also sick from the pain meds
Author effic Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 Any men out there who would ask a girl's number, invite her out with friends, tell her to text if she ever wants to go out again... but not call her/invite her on a 1-on-1 date themselves because of nervousness? I don't get this stuff.
musemaj11 Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 But by that logic, if a man is so interested then y hasnt he already asked the woman out himself? Although I guess this guy asked my #, invited me outt, AND while out suggested going to get food afterward- and he only said it to me. I don't know, I guess I was expecting that within a few days he'd certainly ask me out by text/phone. But again, he may not even think I'm interested & teres also the fact that he mentioned he just got wisdom teeth out yesterday & is in a lot of pain & also sick from the pain meds Just like women, men are normal human beings, too who have fear of rejection and fear of being taken advantage of. A lot of women seem to view all men as robots who are devoid of emotional feelings. As I said before, if you dont want to ask him out, you dont have to. If you just want to wait it out indefinitely, then its your choice.
Author effic Posted October 28, 2011 Author Posted October 28, 2011 (edited) Sure, but traditionally in our society, men assume that if they like a girl then they will have to b the ones to step up. So if a man doesn't then he assumes u aren't worth the effort!! It's been 2 days w no contact. I get that his wisdom tooth removal was awful but... Who let's 2 days pass if they are into u? Edited October 28, 2011 by effic
Leegh Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 It is almost easier for me to know if a man is not interested, then I know the answer. The worst is not knowing, as she is basically in "limbo". I would suggest not contacting him for a few weeks or so, # 1, to see if he contacts you, and # 2 to see if you are still interested at that time. If you have not heard from him in a couple of weeks, you could call him and ask him out, (possibly you could call his home while he is at work and get his answering machine) and leave a message. This may be the only way to get complete closure. If he wants to go out, that's great, if not, at least you'll know.
Author effic Posted October 28, 2011 Author Posted October 28, 2011 I just feel this is differen from any other men ive dated in life, that I literally could "scare him off" w a simple dinner invite bc he is so darn nervous around me. He acted terrified enough when he'd ask me to lunch at our old job. He'd have lots of trouble making eye contact & clearly wanted to ask lots of questions & volunteer info about himself/his family too... But it always came out rushed & kinda awkward. Then he would stammer out an apology for eating too fast or something. Or make a comment like "let's stay & eat lunch down here... I mean we could just go back up to our cubicles If that's what u want... I mean it's up to u..." He acts nothing like this with other people @ work. Even the marketing heads.
Leegh Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 I just feel this is differen from any other men ive dated in life, that I literally could "scare him off" w a simple dinner invite bc he is so darn nervous around me. He acted terrified enough when he'd ask me to lunch at our old job. He'd have lots of trouble making eye contact & clearly wanted to ask lots of questions & volunteer info about himself/his family too... But it always came out rushed & kinda awkward. Then he would stammer out an apology for eating too fast or something. Or make a comment like "let's stay & eat lunch down here... I mean we could just go back up to our cubicles If that's what u want... I mean it's up to u..." He acts nothing like this with other people @ work. Even the marketing heads.It sounds like he really likes you a lot, as the more nervous someone is around a romantic interest, the higher the attraction. Has he ever been married, if so, possibly he lost some of his dating skills while he was married, and is a bit "rusty" now?
Author effic Posted October 28, 2011 Author Posted October 28, 2011 Nope, not the case, though I know he hasn't been in an LTR any time in the recent past. I just don't want to "scare him off" by inviting him to dinner but I feel like left to his own devices he may never get Up the courage to make a move. He's perfectly normal and friendly with others.
Leegh Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 It may be up to you to do the asking, possibly a movie would be a better choice than dinner, because it's less formal and more casual. There's a big difference between asking a guy out once, and asking him out 5-10 times. One time I think would be fine under the circumstances.
musemaj11 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Sure, but traditionally in our society, men assume that if they like a girl then they will have to b the ones to step up. So if a man doesn't then he assumes u aren't worth the effort!! You have been reading too much Cosmo. As I said before, men are normal human beings who come in different packages. Not all men are the same. Some are aggressive and confident while some are shy and reserved.
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