Alliecat Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 I do have to say that although my boyfriend is lazy, he isn't a loser or uninteresting. We have been together for about two years before we both decided to move in together and I knew we would have to make some accommodations to be able to handle the transition in our relationship (space, time, privacy, etc.). We have been in our cozy one bedroom apartment for three months now and it seems the only thing that bothers me is not the laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, it is the dreaded XBOX. He pays bills, works full time, and helps me when I ask for it - but other than that he will sit on his rump for hours at a time and play games. And when I say hours, I mean five to eight hours of uninterrupted play at a time (usually at night when I am asleep). When he goes to bed on his days off he will sleep in until two or three in the afternoon leaving me alone in the house with snoring. I've tried to be patient but it bothers me that he does not leave our apartment to do anything besides work. We don't go on dates anymore, and he only leaves if I schedule something for the both of us. I'm concerned because he has made no move to make new friends in the new town we are in and it has been months since he has moved. I have suggested that he join a sports team (he loves soccer) to meet people, but he refuses. Also, he has gained some weight from these months of virtually no activity and the constant snacking and beer drinking while gaming hasn't helped, this is all while I hit the treadmill and wake up early for yoga classes... Help!
AHardDaysNight Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Sounds like one of my friend's ex-boyfriends (and yes, she left him.) I'd say that you need to talk to him about it, and if he continues on thinking he doesn't have a problem, you should leave him. Would he be open to you guys exercising together? That might be an option.
alphamale Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Would he be open to you guys exercising together? That might be an option. maybe they can get the nintendo Wii?
AHardDaysNight Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 maybe they can get the nintendo Wii? I was thinking more of going to the gym and getting on treadmills. Don't be such a smartass.
Author Alliecat Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 Hahaha, I don't think a Wii will help his gaming addiction he seems to like to shoot things a lot. I will ask him to join me in my workouts, perhaps that will be a good beginning for him to see the outside world. Thank you. I would just like it if he could develop some life other than work and online gaming. I don't mind some gaming - but this is ridiculous. I would prefer him to be at the bar with a bunch of friends or something over gaming all night.
USMCHokie Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Good lord, LAUNCH...there are so many fundamental differences here it's surprising you made it three months...you can talk to him as much as you want about it, but it seems like he won't change and frankly doesn't want to change. This will only get worse before it gets better. Is there even anything appealing about him...? It's a totally serious question...or is it a case of better him than no one...?
alphamale Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 I was thinking more of going to the gym and getting on treadmills. Don't be such a smartass. :lmao:
Author Alliecat Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 Is there even anything appealing about him...? It's a totally serious question...or is it a case of better him than no one...? It's more of a case that we have been together for more than two years and I would like to put some effort into the relationship before I quit. He is quite handsome, and we have known each other prior to dating for about ten years seeing as we grew up in the same neighborhood. He helps me a lot, but it's hard for him to put himself "out there" in a new town to make more friends due to some personal issues he has had. He is not only my boyfriend but a best friend, and if it doesn't save my relationship in the end - I would like for him to be able to at least make new friends.
USMCHokie Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 He is quite handsome... Ah, sometimes that's all you need... ...and we have known each other prior to dating for about ten years seeing as we grew up in the same neighborhood. He helps me a lot, but it's hard for him to put himself "out there" in a new town to make more friends due to some personal issues he has had. He is not only my boyfriend but a best friend, and if it doesn't save my relationship in the end - I would like for him to be able to at least make new friends. Well, relationships are about growing, both as individuals and as a couple. I commend you on the fact that you want to help this guy, and I encourage you to do so, up to a point... From what you have posted, it seems like he is content with being stagnant in his life. He doesn't want to develop as a person and is happy with what seems like a rather unremarkable existence. When one person in a relationship insists on remaining stagnant, it will eventually drag down the relationship and ultimately the life of the other person. Be careful...
norajane Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 When one person in a relationship insists on remaining stagnant, it will eventually drag down the relationship and ultimately the life of the other person. Be careful... I agree. Try and light a fire under him, plan more activities for the two of you to do together and see if you can get him out of his rut. But if he won't budge, you have to do what's best for you. Has he said why he wants to play video games for hours at a time instead of anything else? Have you had an honest conversation with him about what this is doing to your relationship?
Author Alliecat Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 Sounds much better. Thanks for the advice. I know that even if our relationship fizzles out that we will still be friends, so that makes it easier to make that call if I have to. But it's still a disappointing idea that this would be the end of those years of our relationship. But hopefully things will work out. I'll feel a lot better making these steps first before considering the alternative.
alphamale Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 But hopefully things will work out. I'll feel a lot better making these steps first before considering the alternative. trust me....thing will not "change" and things will not "work out". you need to leave this bum. he's dragging you down and you're wasting precious years of your youth. get rid of his sorry ass and when you do don't waste time being "friends" with him...
carhill Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 OP, while I tend to agree with Alpha on next steps, I do have a question: In the ten years you knew him prior and the two years of dating before moving in with him, did he exhibit behaviors like you've seen since moving in together? Were there signs, in hindsight? I ask this because each relationship teaches us things and, if this doesn't work out, you'll hopefully be able to take good information from it into the next LTR.
Frogwife Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 My experience with this: I have been married almost five years. Just over two years into my marriage, I bought a Playstation 3 for my husband - his dad had just died, he was down, I thought it would be something he would like. I had had no experience with people "gaming", etc. and I didn't think about it. I went from having a relatively normal marriage - we would go out, do things together, see friends, have a sex life, etc. - to a complete dead stop. Physically and emotionally. It ruined our marriage. He started playing non-stop - from after work to midnight during the week (~ six hours per night) and all day on the weekends - so we are talking 40-50 hours a week. I couldn't force him to stop - he needed to want to do it himself- and my tears and unhappiness didn't persuade him. He chose a video game over his marriage. Both men and women have asked me "What was he trying to avoid in your marriage?", "Was he having an affair?" (hence not wanting sex), etc. I don't have an answer and talking with him about it has proved fruitless. It was just a nearly a 180 degree change overnight. I agree with Alpha Male that it's unlikely to change or - if it does - you may be so DONE with it (like I was) that if he does want to change and get things back to where they were, it will be too late. Everyone's situation is different, of course, but was my experience.
ChessPieceFace Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Gotta love this forum. "Been with my BF and best friend for 2 years but now he plays XBOX too much" "LEAVE HIM!!!" Yeah don't like... talk to him about it...
Emilia Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Agree with nora jane and Hokie and you will probably end up doing what alpha suggested. It's a shame but I have a friend like this. He is a lovely boy and I watched his (now ex) girlfriend try to snap him out of passivity but they were just arguing all the time in the end. They split up over 2 years ago and still hasn't done anything with his life. He doesn't even have a new girlfriend and he is only 25.
ChessPieceFace Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Agree with nora jane and Hokie and you will probably end up doing what alpha suggested. Yeah, why even try right? It's a shame but I have a friend like this. He is a lovely boy Boy? Patronizing... and I watched his (now ex) girlfriend try to snap him out of passivity but they were just arguing all the time in the end. They split up over 2 years ago and still hasn't done anything with his life. He doesn't even have a new girlfriend and he is only 25. So guys have to have a GF in order to be "doing something with their lives." Good to know you have the monopoly on life-purpose.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 I do have to say that although my boyfriend is lazy, he isn't a loser or uninteresting. We have been together for about two years before we both decided to move in together and I knew we would have to make some accommodations to be able to handle the transition in our relationship (space, time, privacy, etc.). We have been in our cozy one bedroom apartment for three months now and it seems the only thing that bothers me is not the laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, it is the dreaded XBOX. He pays bills, works full time, and helps me when I ask for it - but other than that he will sit on his rump for hours at a time and play games. And when I say hours, I mean five to eight hours of uninterrupted play at a time (usually at night when I am asleep). When he goes to bed on his days off he will sleep in until two or three in the afternoon leaving me alone in the house with snoring. I've tried to be patient but it bothers me that he does not leave our apartment to do anything besides work. We don't go on dates anymore, and he only leaves if I schedule something for the both of us. I'm concerned because he has made no move to make new friends in the new town we are in and it has been months since he has moved. I have suggested that he join a sports team (he loves soccer) to meet people, but he refuses. Also, he has gained some weight from these months of virtually no activity and the constant snacking and beer drinking while gaming hasn't helped, this is all while I hit the treadmill and wake up early for yoga classes... Help! Clearly your BF is depressed and doesn't want to deal with it. You need to sit him down and talk to him about this. Sudden large amounts of video game playing is typically an avoidance mechanism. If your response to every bump is to breakup your going to be single forever... and you will be an idiot to boot. So don't take advice from these clowns in the dating section, they don't know anything about relationships. They exist in the 1-10 date world and that's it. My experience with this: I have been married almost five years. Just over two years into my marriage, I bought a Playstation 3 for my husband - his dad had just died, he was down, I thought it would be something he would like. I had had no experience with people "gaming", etc. and I didn't think about it. I went from having a relatively normal marriage - we would go out, do things together, see friends, have a sex life, etc. - to a complete dead stop. Physically and emotionally. It ruined our marriage. He started playing non-stop - from after work to midnight during the week (~ six hours per night) and all day on the weekends - so we are talking 40-50 hours a week. I couldn't force him to stop - he needed to want to do it himself- and my tears and unhappiness didn't persuade him. He chose a video game over his marriage. Both men and women have asked me "What was he trying to avoid in your marriage?", "Was he having an affair?" (hence not wanting sex), etc. I don't have an answer and talking with him about it has proved fruitless. It was just a nearly a 180 degree change overnight. I agree with Alpha Male that it's unlikely to change or - if it does - you may be so DONE with it (like I was) that if he does want to change and get things back to where they were, it will be too late. Everyone's situation is different, of course, but was my experience. Me, Me, Me, Me... that's all I get from your post. What are the chances that when you talked to him about his behavior which YOU don't like the conversation revolved around your feelings? Here is my advice. Stop being a dick, and when you talk to him... talk about HIS feelings and find out what HE wants and needs. Then tackle the issue from there. He may not stop playing right away, but it will taper down quickly. Many guys turn this direction when they are depressed. Once they stop being depressed the behavior goes away. Clearly your not important to him because you are part of the problem, when you need to be part of the solution.
grkBoy Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Alliecat, your boyfriend is committing one of those "cardinal sins" I've mentioned when couples move in together. He's gotten comfy and is taking the RL for granted. He probably thinks a DVD and pizza is the same thing as putting on a nice shirt and taking you out. I don't fault a man for liking video games, but his level of play is unhealthy. I played some games last night, but after an hour and a half I shut it off because I knew I had work this morning. I never invest in games that require a lot of time investment. You need to accept that he likes his XBox and his "me time". He's got a right to have that. However, he does not get to just treat you as the roommate and occasional thing. He needs to learn balance. To have time for himself and then time for the two of you WITHOUT you being the one having to push for it. Have the serious talk. Tell him what's bothering you, and let him know you're not against him having his "me time", but he's having a lot of "me time" and there doesn't seem to be any "us time". If he's not going to take you seriously or really try to change...then you might want to think about ending it.
Recommended Posts