Mystique2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 I'm just curious to see how common (or uncommon) this is. Did any of you grow up with parents that refused to teach you independent life skills? For example, a parent that refuses to teach you how to cook, refuses to teach you how to drive, takes care of your bank accounts, does your laundry, dictates your social life, and insists on taking care of everything for you? The parent may say it's out of love, but they're really depriving your psychological growth and individuation. I remember having to BEG my parents to show me certain things, but they wouldn't. I felt jealous at parents that were dedicated to raising their kids to be self-sufficient. My parents wanted me to be dependent on them as long as possible. Other parents complain about their adult kids moving back home, while mine were deadset against me moving out. I'm out of this family dynamic and now happily live my own life as I please, but am curious if anyone went through something similar? I do think this type of intrusive parenting is abuse and neglect. I know people will have their opinion on judging the adult child, but the controlled and helpless adult child is simply a product of their parents' conditioning.
Breezy Trousers Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 My experience was dramatically different from yours. My two sisters and I were raised to clean, cook, work to earn our own money for school clothes each summer, etc. from a very early age. We were told we could be kicked out at any minute if we failed to please and, in fact, were all kicked out of the house at high school graduation, if not before, without a support net. At age 19, I was supporting my 16-year-old sister. (We nearly OD'd on Ramen noodles, Campbell's soup, bananas, cheese, peanut butter & bread, lol.) We were very good girls, BTW. My mother believed her unhappiness was the result of having daughters, so, by accident of gender, we were in a bad situation. My sisters and I were honor roll students but could not get financial assistance for college because my father was a highly successful executive. We had to prove we had been living at poverty level for 2 years before we could qualify for anything. The assumption was that my well-to-do father was helping us under the table, which could not have been further from the truth .... Still, my sisters and I worked multiple minimum-wage jobs and managed to graduate from college on our own efforts. One sister -- the one I supported at age 19 -- is now working on her doctorate. Sound like a Cinderella story? Hell, no. WE THRIVED. We're grateful! Tragically, my brother was raised differently. My mother bonded with him in an unhealthy way, but she truly thought it was loving rather than intrusive. He was told he was special. Everything was done for him. He had no accountability, no curfew, no structure. He had horrible grades and 7 years of full tuition but ultimately no degree. Things haven't turned out well for him. He has twice tested as having a genius I.Q., so it's not due to lack of intelligence. He simply does not believe he should have to work for anything because, sadly, he was brought up that way. Discouraging your child to grow up is child abuse, even if it doesn't appear that way at the time. I didn't read that in a book. I saw that in my own family. When I see overindulgent parents, I sometimes want to shake them. Children need parents, not maids or buddies, to raise them. Having said that -- I do not believe we are at the mercy of our childhood. There should be a statute of limitations on how long we get to blame our parents for our life. Bad parenting will always exist because conflicted human beings are at the helm of it. That's just reality. And, yes, it can take years of hard work to undo the damage of less-than-perfect parenting. But I did it, and it sounds like you did, too. That's the good news! We're not at the effect of it unless we choose to be.
Breezy Trousers Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 P.S. Mystique, in my previous post, I was addressing just the ability to hold a job, be responsible, be self-sufficient, etc.. There were other damaging things my sisters and I are not grateful for -- i.e., serious emotional abuse. The effects of it thwarted each of us for a very long time, to varying degrees. But we each found healing. Our brother has not. That's why I sometimes wonder if his peculiar form of "abuse" wasn't more severe in the long run ... though, oddly enough, his "abuse" didn't involve hate, threats or fists but a somewhat distorted, well-intentioned love.
Vesna Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 My mother thwarted almost every opportunity I had to grow up and be independant AND she told me why; she would lose her welfare checks if I left school or home. When I was 15 she tried to have another child by some random loser in the pub so she could still receive benefits as I was about to turn 16. She miscarried and everyone felt sorry for her, except for me. I knew the truth. After more than 20 schools I was desperate for a gap year. I needed a break. She forced me into matriculation college so she could continue to receive benefits and I failed miserably. I had part time work, at her behest, and she took my wages from me as well. She let me go on the pill but wouldn't let me go to parties in case I ended up having sex with some guy. I still can't forgive her.
Lurker1983 Posted November 25, 2011 Posted November 25, 2011 Vesna, I hope you're getting some help on how to break free from your mom's pressure. It can feel hopeless, but you do have the power to not let her have control. This isn't easy, but doable. (We nearly OD'd on Ramen noodles, Campbell's soup, bananas, cheese, peanut butter & bread, lol.) Hi, I'm formerly Mystique. My ex used to tell me "You're too stupid to live on your own, because you can't cook a gourmet meal." When I wanted to move out, I knew how to cook eggs, grilled cheese sandwiches, mac and cheese, and fries. I just didn't know to be a gourmet chef, as he proposed. His opinion was complete BS, because you can live on what you mentioned. It's not the most pleasant thing, but manageable to live on the things you mentioned. I think it's okay to acknowledge how your actions result from your parents' abuse, as long as you are working on change. When we are healing from our past, we may mistakes and it's okay. When I was trying very hard not to be manipulated by others, I still ended up being so. I knew it was my upbringing that made me an easy target for manipulators, but I still took responsibility for my mistakes and kept working on what I wanted to achieve. Most abusive parents don't take responsibility for their actions. My mom also thinks that her control was love and protection. My step-dad also thinks that he was protecting me by molesting me. As crazy as it sounds, their mentality is very typical of parents that abuse their kids. The only thing we can do is let them have their feelings and validate our own experiences. I don't bother confronting my parents, because I know it's useless. They will never be able to empathize with how I felt, and I've accepted that. Once you let go of trying to get your parents to meet your needs, you heal.
Lurker1983 Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 I suggest you all read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.
Lurker1983 Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 (edited) I suggest you all read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It's an excellent book for understanding your current behaviors and reclaiming your life without succumbing to fearing your parents. Edited November 26, 2011 by Lurker1983
Breezy Trousers Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 (edited) Hi, I'm formerly Mystique. My ex used to tell me "You're too stupid to live on your own, because you can't cook a gourmet meal." When I wanted to move out, I knew how to cook eggs, grilled cheese sandwiches, mac and cheese, and fries. I just didn't know to be a gourmet chef, as he proposed. His opinion was complete BS, because you can live on what you mentioned. It's not the most pleasant thing, but manageable to live on the things you mentioned. I think it's okay to acknowledge how your actions result from your parents' abuse, as long as you are working on change. When we are healing from our past, we may mistakes and it's okay. When I was trying very hard not to be manipulated by others, I still ended up being so. I knew it was my upbringing that made me an easy target for manipulators, but I still took responsibility for my mistakes and kept working on what I wanted to achieve. Most abusive parents don't take responsibility for their actions. My mom also thinks that her control was love and protection. My step-dad also thinks that he was protecting me by molesting me. As crazy as it sounds, their mentality is very typical of parents that abuse their kids. The only thing we can do is let them have their feelings and validate our own experiences. I don't bother confronting my parents, because I know it's useless. They will never be able to empathize with how I felt, and I've accepted that. Once you let go of trying to get your parents to meet your needs, you heal. I agree with everything you wrote, Lurker. My mother was caught in a disorder (BPD) so I'm actually appreciative of all the great, brave things she managed to do for me while struggling with untreated BPD day after day ..... My dad always felt bad --- after my mother kicked me out, he would drive around a huge school parking lot, find my car and place long, agonized letters of apology on the windshield (which I still have). We made our peace years ago and have a great relationship. Time -- and hard inner work -- does all heal wounds. P.S. I must admit, I have a hard time understanding how your stepfather felt he was protecting you by molesting you. (!) To say that that is horrible is an understatement. I'm glad you are healing. Edited November 27, 2011 by Breezy Trousers
Sugarkane Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Yes I'm 24 and I have parents like this. They didn't give me much independence considering my age. I think they'd be happy if I never left home and have my own children one day. I made a thread about this ages ago.
Sugarkane Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Mine have ways been dead against me moving out even though I'm a grown adult. All I got was verbal abuse from them.
Sugarkane Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 I think once we leave, they've been so wrapped up being a parent that they don't know what to do with themselves. Especially with all the spare time.
Tayla Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 I cannot relate on a personal level as mine was a mixture of being raised by various adult figures- each with ODD styles of parenting or lack there of. There are "extremes" to parenting and the "keep them as a hostage" verses "kick em out on their own mentality" is counter productive to a childs well being , as clearly shown thru these post. True that at some point we must exam objectively the mindset and behavior of those we deemed parental figures. As Adult children from abusive families the choice is there. From some inner strength we are able to overcome the delusional mindsets and make right with our lives. I have seen those that cling to the parents long after adulthood has progressed. Its not a pretty site. There is a big difference between close knit families with open discussions and support verses the overbearing parent who "clings" and "dictates" the child/adult life choices. Peace to those who have overcome and moved on in life from this environment, truly inspiring.
Lurkers1983 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Breezy-I agree that our parents have done a lot of positive things. Education and hard work ethicwas very important in our family, and that's what got me out of the house. Borderline parents are tough, as my mom also was a mix of BPD and NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). I'm learning to accept her limitations and just let it be. Trying to change her or carry resentment doesn't work. I'm over the whole anger and grieving process.
Sugarkane Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Mystique- How did you get away from them? Who helped you? Do you still keep in contact with your parents?
Lurkers1983 Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 SugarKane-It's me Mystique.For some reason, I can't login to my old screenname. SugarKane-I don't know your story, but the biggest obstacle is to not feel guilty about how your parents feel. Your parents will get angry at you standing up for yourself. Try not to internalize it. They're also adults, and you aren't responsible for their feelings. If your parents put down, try to feel confident that you can do it on your own. Living on your own isn't that hard, even though parents may make it seem so. If you can pay your bills and take care of yourself, you're all set. When I was 24, I saw a therapist that told me that my mom was a narcissist. I had no idea, because I thought my family was normal. I was in graduate school at the time. My "escape" plan was to simply finish graduate school, get a better job, and save up several thousands of dollars through my part-time job (which didn't pay too well to live on my own anyhow). Through therapy, my therapist helped me learn to be more assertive, set boundaries and feel confident that I could live my own life. I had tried to move out of my parents' home during graduate school, but my mom and my ex-boyfriend mocked me for not having enough money and being "too stupid" to live on my own. I believed them, and was worried "What if I do mess up and go poor out in the real world?". I also felt very guilty at making my mom upset and didn't want to rock the boat. At that time, I was scared of my mom's anger and felt like it was my job to make her feel happy. So, I focused on my school to help distract me until I had everything lined up. Instead of telling my mom "I hate you and I'm leaving," I said that "I got a job outside of state, and I want to take that opportunity." The good thing about living at home was that I could save money to help me for emergencies when I did move out. I also wanted to point out that culture plays a huge role in why some families are controlling. My parents are from india, and other Indians recently told me that my experience isn't uncommon. White-Americans would tell me, "Why can't you stand up to your parents? You're an adult. Grow up." But, this "independent adult woman" concept doesn't exist in traditional Indian culture. I was raised to obey my parents and put their needs before mine. I'm sure there are some mainstream American families that also feel that adult children should obey the parent's every command. It was my American therapist that helped me realize that I don't have to abide by traditions that aren't in my best interest. The more better I felt about myself, the less I felt the need to please others and let others define my self-worth. I try to respect my parents and be civil. I will listen to their suggestions, but do the exact opposite with my actions. I have found that fighting and arguing with them doesn't work. Living out of state far from them definitely helps set the boundary.
Sugarkane Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Thanks Lurker, its such a relief just to talk to someone who actually UNDERSTANDS this. I'm white Australian, which is really odd in this situation. Like you said everyone says "just leave". The rest of my extended family isn't traditional at all. My parents still use their own upbringing as the excuse. My parents always make excuses and dress it up as "protecting me" and other BS. I think they're still stuck somewhere in 1950, when you couldn't do anything without being married. It makes me very angry. I bet if I was male, they would never treated me like this. It's difficult for me to believe that my mother lived through feminism, when she still thinks you have to be married to do anything. I've had no one to talk to as my extended family isn't close and white people are usually pretty liberal in general.
Sugarkane Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 (edited) I feel like I've been dumb down. I'm smart and mature for my age, good at saving [especially with a goal] yet they tell me I can't do such things. They tell me no one moves out at my age, yet all my cousins have and all my exes. So they completely lie to me. I told my therapist all this. But she moved out late, has similar parents and doesn't see how dumb it is. Edited December 9, 2011 by Sugarkane
Lurkers1983 Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 (edited) SugarKane-No worries. There are quite a number of whites in the same situation, so don't feel bad. Controlling parents exist in all races. If your therapist doesn't understand, she may not be the right fit for you......At least ask her what you can do to get out of the house. Here are some points if you don't mind me saying. Your first step is to reject the lies that your parents tell you. Yes, I know what it's like to feel brainwashed. But, it's not true! Write down what your parents tell you and challenge that. You said it yourself that you know you're smart and you are good at saving money. Now, you have to start believing in yourself completely. Accept that your parents will TRY to stop you, but now your job is to not let that influence you anymore. it's scary standing up to your parents, but facing your fear is the only way to move on. All what your parents can do is yell and get mad. Maybe put you down. Apart from that, what else can they do? Let them be mad. If you do move out and make mistakes, so what? Our mistakes are our greatest life lessons. It's how you handle your mistakes in the end that matters. It's like a toddler falling when learning to walk. Falling doesn't discourage the toddler, right? Falling is part of the process of learning! Thank your parents for their concerns. Say that you're not abandoning them, but are trying to improve yourself by being on your own. If I'm not mistaken, I heard that you can call the cops if your arents aren't letting you leave as an adult...but you might want to check on that. Good luck! You are in my thoughts. Edited December 10, 2011 by Lurkers1983
Sugarkane Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 I just don't get it, no one else in my family is like this.
SouthernSunshine Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 My parents (particularly my mom) never taught me how to be independent, infact she encouraged the opposite by telling me to keep my mouth shut, my vagina clean, and marry a rich man. She put fear in me about the outside world. She told me I couldn't keep a job (before every applying) and she stressed to me that life was very hard. She told me to always watch my back, and to never trust anyone. I am an isolated person now. I've always been afraid in life, and I don't have many friends.
Sugarkane Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 I don't want to have children if my own one day and my parents telling them that they can't do anything without being married.
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