Is this worth fighting over?

[OnyxSnowfall]

You should have told your "platonic" friend to get off you and then took mild action if she refused. It was inappropriate.

Maybe she's trying to get you interested (without necessarily any intent to take it beyond that) / she's trying to compete with your girlfriend (who knows).

 

I'd be alarmed and upset too (if that was my boyfriend).

 

The situation is probably compounded by your unwillingness to realize how inappropriate it was --- what ELSE do you think is "okay"? Heh....

 

Your girlfriend is reasonably upset --- you though.... are unreasonably upset.

Edited October 24, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[ptp]

just to give you more context, this friend, my gf and I have hung out together and by hung out I mean, the 2 of them went shopping while dragging me from department store to department store.

 

So if there is any blame, the friend should harbor most of it. She initiated it...I was minding me my own business.

[ptp]

You should have told your "platonic" friend to get off you and then took mild action if she refused. It was inappropriate.

Maybe she's trying to get you interested (without necessarily any intent to take it beyond that) / she's trying to compete with your girlfriend (who knows).

 

 

 

I get that some people here are very physically attractive and constantly have people of the opposite sex interested in them. However, that isn't what it is like for average to below average looking guys.

 

Everything isn't sexual innuendo, everything doesn't have an ulterior motive, women aren't constantly trying to get with me. In my world a smile or a hug is just that a friendly gesture.

[norajane]

So if there is any blame, the friend should harbor most of it. She initiated it...I was minding me my own business.

 

That does not absolve you of blame, though. Just because the friend was wrong, doesn't mean you aren't wrong, too.

 

That you cannot see or accept or admit that you are also at fault is a big red flag for any relationship.

[oaks]

No I didn't wuss out, I was confused by the situation. If I thought she had done something very inappropriate I would have moved her out of the way. No I didn't like it, what is there to like, she wasn't being affectionate, she wasn't hugging me or kissing me...like I said, I was confused more than anything.

 

So what prompted you to tell your GF that this entirely appropriate and uninteresting thing had happened?

[Feelin Frisky]

Well it is probably like 5 min maybe less...it isn't like I was timing it.

 

No I didn't wuss out, I was confused by the situation. If I thought she had done something very inappropriate I would have moved her out of the way. No I didn't like it, what is there to like, she wasn't being affectionate, she wasn't hugging me or kissing me...like I said, I was confused more than anything.

 

I suppose she had a nice ass or she would have been ejected way sooner.

[xxoo]

 

I get that some people here are very physically attractive and constantly have people of the opposite sex interested in them. However, that isn't what it is like for average to below average looking guys.

 

Everything isn't sexual innuendo, everything doesn't have an ulterior motive, women aren't constantly trying to get with me. In my world a smile or a hug is just that a friendly gesture.

 

Guys buy your girl drinks. She must be attractive, no?

 

You have an attractive girlfriend. Believe it or not, that increases YOUR attractiveness to women in general.

 

In my world, sitting on a man's lap is never innocent. Especially not the lap of your friend's boyfriend

 

Look, you didn't do anything terrible by not getting up right away. You seem a bit naive, and didn't mean anything by it. But you are screwing things up by dismissing your gf's concern, and insisting that you did nothing wrong. It was inadvertantly wrong, but it was wrong. Be flattered by her jealousy (she thinks you are a hot catch!), apologize for being dense, and tell her it won't happen again.

 

And then say...."So...you really think I'm a hot catch??" and ask her to prove it!

 

This doesn't need to be a fight.

[D-Lish]

just to give you more context, this friend, my gf and I have hung out together and by hung out I mean, the 2 of them went shopping while dragging me from department store to department store.

 

So if there is any blame, the friend should harbor most of it. She initiated it...I was minding me my own business.

 

Even worse that your friend did this then.

 

You like to frame yourself as a blameless unwilling participant- but just because you were passive in what happened does not mean you didn't play a part. Your inactivity in the matter does place some of the blame on you.

 

You said yourself that her move both confused you and made you uncomfortable. There is a reason you felt uncomfortable, because what this girl did was wrong and inappropriate. You had a choice in this- let her stay on your lap all the while knowing it wasn't right, or tell her to move, thereby making things right.

[ptp]

So what prompted you to tell your GF that this entirely appropriate and uninteresting thing had happened?

 

Well when she sat on my lap I think I hurt my back. I didn't realize it right away, but as the night wore on my back started hurting and I had trouble sitting.

 

On the drive home, we had to pull over so I could just get out and stand up. Luckily I am doing better now. While this happened I mentioned to her what I thought the cause of the back pain was, I didn't think there was any reason to hide it from her.

[ptp]

Guys buy your girl drinks. She must be attractive, no?

 

You have an attractive girlfriend. Believe it or not, that increases YOUR attractiveness to women in general.

 

In my world, sitting on a man's lap is never innocent. Especially not the lap of your friend's boyfriend

 

 

Really? Have you ever tried to fit more than 4 people in a cab? Girls sit on guys laps and nobody thinks twice about it and those cab rides are usually longer than 10 minutes.

 

I would bet if the situation was different and I was single, came here and asked "Does it mean that my female friend is interested in me because she sat on my lap for a few minutes?".

 

Most of the people here would have laughed at me, said it meant absolutely nothing and I am making a mountain out of a mole hill.

 

Like I said I don't know why she did this. I haven't kept up with her recently, but if I was to guess she was just feeling a little lonely. She is almost always alone in these types of gatherings because her BF lives on the West Coast.

 

It was unfortunate that I was sitting, I think if I was standing instead, she would have come over and just given me a hug and nothing more would have come of it.

 

 

Look, you didn't do anything terrible by not getting up right away. You seem a bit naive, and didn't mean anything by it. But you are screwing things up by dismissing your gf's concern, and insisting that you did nothing wrong. It was inadvertantly wrong, but it was wrong.

 

This doesn't need to be a fight.

 

Yea I am probably going to follow your advice...I don't like drama and don't want to drag this out any longer. However, I still maintain I did nothing wrong, but for sake of moving on I will probably just suck it up and apologize.

 

It isn't worth fighting over.

[D-Lish]

.

Like I said I don't know why she did this. I haven't kept up with her recently, but if I was to guess she was just feeling a little lonely. She is almost always alone in these types of gatherings because her BF lives on the West Coast.

 

It was unfortunate that I was sitting, I think if I was standing instead, she would have come over and just given me a hug and nothing more would have come of it.

 

Yea I am probably going to follow your advice...I don't like drama and don't want to drag this out any longer. However, I still maintain I did nothing wrong, but for sake of moving on I will probably just suck it up and apologize.

 

It isn't worth fighting over.

 

Why did you bring it up in the first place to your gf?

Just curious. if you don't like drama, why would you introduce drama into your relationship? I can only see a guy mentioning this if he wanted to create jealousy/drama. No other reason for mentioning this.

 

Why make a big deal out of pulling over and mentioning your back hurt- only to go on to say it was probably because a girl jumped into your lap while your gf was absent.

 

Who are you kidding? How heavy is this girl that you couldn't support her weight for 5 minutes? She was really that heavy that you had to pull over and stretch your back?

 

You're the one with the drama issues- not your gf.

[somedude81]

ptp, are you really that clueless?

 

The correct response from you would have been to immediately get her off your lap.

 

I've never been in a relationship and even I know that was inappropriate.

[D-Lish]

ptp, are you really that clueless?

 

The correct response from you would have been to immediately get her off your lap.

 

I've never been in a relationship and even I know that was inappropriate.

 

That clarity is what is going to make you a great catch one day when you come into your own. Another thread, another story... But this OP takes no responsibility for anything.

[ptp]

ptp, are you really that clueless?

 

The correct response from you would have been to immediately get her off your lap.

 

I've never been in a relationship and even I know that was inappropriate.

 

I have been genuinely trying to help you in your thread and you are throwing barbs at me?

 

I am not sure where you get off calling anybody clueless when it took you 53 pages to realize what people have been telling you since page 10.

 

You spent 2 years trying to make this girl your girlfriend and I am the clueless one?

[D-Lish]

I have been genuinely trying to help you in your thread and you are throwing barbs at me?

 

I am not sure where you get off calling anybody clueless when it took you 53 pages to realize what people have been telling you since page 10.

 

You spent 2 years trying to make this girl your girlfriend and I am the clueless one?

 

Yeah, pretty much.

[whichwayisup]

So was at an apt party with the GF the other night. During the night at some point she stepped out with the hostess to get some groceries/alcohol.

 

While she wasn't there, I was sitting on the couch talking to a buddy of mine when a female friend of mine sat down in my lap for 5-10 min.

 

I am not sure why she did this and when she sat down in my lap both me and the guy I was talking to looked at each other with confused looks.

 

I have known this female friend for ~1 year (before I was dating current GF) and we have had nothing but a platonic relationship. She is in a committed LT/LDR.

 

After I told the GF what happened she became upset with me and I don't know what I did wrong?

 

Ladies is it a big deal for you to sit in a friend's lap?

 

What should I have done differently? The only thing I can think of would have been to excuse myself to go the bathroom, but it didn't occur to me at that time. Normally I am quick to apologize for my mistakes, but I did nothing wrong.

 

 

Let's ask you something. How would you feel if a guy friend, someone your gf knew before you, snuggled up to her on the couch when you stepped out for half an hour or so?

 

You were wrong, even if you don't see it. It's just inappropriate.. I wouldn't sit in a man's lap, christ, I don't even sit in my husband's lap (unless we're having sex)..

[somedude81]

I have been genuinely trying to help you in your thread and you are throwing barbs at me?

 

I am not sure where you get off calling anybody clueless when it took you 53 pages to realize what people have been telling you since page 10.

 

You spent 2 years trying to make this girl your girlfriend and I am the clueless one?

Think about that. How little I know about women. And yet I was able to know that what you allowed was wrong. As a man with a girlfriend, you should be able to tell what is inappropriate.

 

As for the girl, I've known she wasn't into me since March of 2009.

 

The reasons why I've been chasing her for so long are complicated but I've pretty much explained everything in my thread.

 

And no, I don't really think you've been genuinely trying to help me. In my thread. Sorry

 

Here are the posts you've made.

 

Said I'm One Goal like, that I'm like a battered wife, and that I have to drop her.

 

Yeah...

[xxoo]

Really? Have you ever tried to fit more than 4 people in a cab? Girls sit on guys laps and nobody thinks twice about it and those cab rides are usually longer than 10 minutes.

 

No.

 

But if I had, there would be a practical reason for squishing together in that case.

 

Were you in a cab?

[Ruby Slippers]

ptp, you're a smart guy, but you're in denial. Not a single person posting in this thread thinks what you did is OK -- women and men. When does it ever happen that everyone on LS agrees? Like... never.

 

If you have no problem with other women sitting on your lap or other men pulling your girlfriend into their laps, OK. But most people see a problem with this -- most importantly, your girlfriend. So it's a good idea to agree on some acceptable terms for the future.

[ptp]

Think about that. How little I know about women. And yet I was able to know that what you allowed was wrong. As a man with a girlfriend, you should be able to tell what is inappropriate.

 

As for the girl, I've known she wasn't into me since March of 2009.

 

The reasons why I've been chasing her for so long are complicated but I've pretty much explained everything in my thread.

 

So lets assume you are right for a second, what is worse? 1 5 minute error in judgement or spending the better part of 2 years making the same mistake over and over again. Like I said you have no right.

 

 

And no, I don't really think you've been genuinely trying to help me. In my thread. Sorry

 

Here are the posts you've made.

 

Said I'm One Goal like, that I'm like a battered wife, and that I have to drop her.

 

Yeah...

 

And yea was trying to help you. Sometimes holding up a mirror to their actions is the only way to reach somebody and most of the time there were other posters including Teknoe agreeing with me.

 

When you posted you might hurt yourself, who posted phone #s to hotlines and asked you to seek help?

 

Even my most recent post in your thread, cerridwen, agreed with my point and the funny thing is you were interested in what I had to say and wanted more of an explanation.

 

So yea...

[Woggle]

There are plenty of women who take it upon themselves to try and flirt with men in relationships. Nothing is a better chick magnet than already having a girfriend or a wife. It is an ego boost to pull a man away from his woman and it is your responsibility to tell them to get lost. It is just what a man in a relationship has to deal with and if you can't shut them down the minute they cross the line you have no business being in a relationship in the first place.

 

I am married and I lose count of how many women try to cross that line with and I shut it down the instant they do. If I have to be rude I will.

 

There is simply no excuse for allowing her to sit on your lap for ten minutes.

[D-Lish]

There are plenty of women who take it upon themselves to try and flirt with men in relationships. Nothing is a better chick magnet than already having a girfriend or a wife. It is an ego boost to pull a man away from his woman and it is your responsibility to tell them to get lost. It is just what a man in a relationship has to deal with and if you can't shut them down the minute they cross the line you have no business being in a relationship in the first place.

 

I am married and I lose count of how many women try to cross that line with and I shut it down the instant they do. If I have to be rude I will.

 

There is simply no excuse for allowing her to sit on your lap for ten minutes.

 

Wow, we're on the same wavelength.

That rarely happens.

 

But what you describe is what I'd want in a relationship, and also how I'd react in a relationship given the same circumstances.

[somedude81]

So lets assume you are right for a second, what is worse? 1 5 minute error in judgement or spending the better part of 2 years making the same mistake over and over again. Like I said you have no right.

Both are complete different from each other. One is a lapse in judgement. The other is the story of a lonely man desperately clinging to the only woman who gives him the time of day.

 

 

 

And yea was trying to help you. Sometimes holding up a mirror to their actions is the only way to reach somebody and most of the time there were other posters including Teknoe agreeing with me.

Holding up a mirror wasn't exactly hard to do and you were not the only person to do so.

 

Just about every poster in that thread has told me to move on from her. What I valued were novel ideas, insight and explanations of what was going on.

 

When you posted you might hurt yourself, who posted phone #s to hotlines and asked you to seek help?

Yeah, I could have Googled those myself.

Even my most recent post in your thread, cerridwen, agreed with my point and the funny thing is you were interested in what I had to say and wanted more of an explanation.

Which you never gave. You basically said it was a bad thing and left it at that.

[ptp]

ptp, you're a smart guy, but you're in denial. Not a single person posting in this thread thinks what you did is OK -- women and men. When does it ever happen that everyone on LS agrees? Like... never.

 

If you have no problem with other women sitting on your lap or other men pulling your girlfriend into their laps, OK. But most people see a problem with this -- most importantly, your girlfriend. So it's a good idea to agree on some acceptable terms for the future.

 

Yea its done, I sent her a text so no more arguing.

 

My idea of what is appropriate is just slightly different than others however, now the point is moot so this thread should die.

 

Thanks for helping...and I am glad you are staying safe.

[whichwayisup]

Yea its done, I sent her a text so no more arguing.

 

My idea of what is appropriate is just slightly different than others however, now the point is moot so this thread should die.

 

Thanks for helping...and I am glad you are staying safe.

 

SO you would have no problem if your gf sat on another guys lap for 10 minutes and flirted with him because she was lonely.. Or if some guy cuddled up to her because he was missing his girlfriend and your girlfriend was there, convienantly to fill in for 10 minutes? BOUNDRIES. Respect. Common Courtesy towards your girlfriend.

 

That is all.

 

Woggle, great post.