ptp Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 So was at an apt party with the GF the other night. During the night at some point she stepped out with the hostess to get some groceries/alcohol. While she wasn't there, I was sitting on the couch talking to a buddy of mine when a female friend of mine sat down in my lap for 5-10 min. I am not sure why she did this and when she sat down in my lap both me and the guy I was talking to looked at each other with confused looks. I have known this female friend for ~1 year (before I was dating current GF) and we have had nothing but a platonic relationship. She is in a committed LT/LDR. After I told the GF what happened she became upset with me and I don't know what I did wrong? Ladies is it a big deal for you to sit in a friend's lap? What should I have done differently? The only thing I can think of would have been to excuse myself to go the bathroom, but it didn't occur to me at that time. Normally I am quick to apologize for my mistakes, but I did nothing wrong.
D-Lish Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 You let another woman besides your gf sit in your lap for 10 minutes... I'd be PISSED if I was your gf. I'd probably also take this so-called platonic friend of yours aside and teach her a lesson D-lish style. Firstly, your so called platonic female friend is a sh*t disturber. What she did was meant to undermine your gf. As her bf, you're not supposed to allow that to happen. Just because you were passive does not absolve you of any wrong-doing. What this girl did was inappropriate and insulting to your gf- that's something you should have recognized and immediately rectified.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 How would you feel about your girlfriend sitting in another man's lap at a party while you were out getting booze? Not too happy, I'm guessing. I'd be very pissed, too.
Nexus One Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Does this friend of yours have a thing for you? Not that that necessarily matters, as she was overstepping a boundary either way, but it might be interesting to find that out, because that might give you a clue as to why she behaved like that.
Mallow Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 I would definitely be concerned if my boyfriend allowed his friends to be sitting on his lap, no matter the duration of time. As someone else mentioned above, how would you feel if your girlfriend was sitting on other guys?
D-Lish Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Does this friend of yours have a thing for you? Not that that necessarily matters, as she was overstepping a boundary either way, but it might be interesting to find that out, because that might give you a clue as to why she behaved like that. I think the OP has to look at the scenario from a different vantage point... OP, imagine if it was you that left and later found out one of her male friends hugged her from behind for 10 minutes while you were gone. A girl sitting in a guys lap is a pretty intimate gesture- her vagina was essentially sitting on top of your penis. It's not worth fighting over, it's worth you apologizing for though. You should have told your friend what she was doing was inappropriate- that's where you dropped the ball, and that's where your fault lies.
carhill Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 I think the excusing to go to the bathroom is a great future plan of action. You chose to tell your GF. Accept the response. Apologize to her sincerely and resolve that it was a one-time occurrence and you have a way of dealing with it now. Then move on.
Professor X Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 What should I have done differently? The only thing I can think of would have been to excuse myself to go the bathroom, but it didn't occur to me at that time. Normally I am quick to apologize for my mistakes, but I did nothing wrong. You did everything wrong son. Lol, you for real? Why the hell you even need an excuse, where did your spine go to? Tell her to either sit next to you or get up and give her your spot. Either way, he place isn't your lap. Hahahaha...... Can't believe you're wondering what you could of done differently. Sad.:lmao:
carhill Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 OP, as background, how would you characterize this female friend? Was this normal behavior (forward and somewhat sexual) for her, with you or in general? Is she your friend or your GF's friend? If you had to pick one reason why you didn't do as Professor X has suggested, a direct admonition, what would it be? Would you say it's customary for women to be sitting on your lap at parties? Does your GF commonly do this?
Author ptp Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 Does this friend of yours have a thing for you? Not that that necessarily matters, as she was overstepping a boundary either way, but it might be interesting to find that out, because that might give you a clue as to why she behaved like that. No she doesn't like me. She knew me when I was single. I have been in her apt alone with her 3-4 times. In fact when she need help with her laptop, I was in her bedroom on her bed fixing her laptop. I would know if she likes me she doesn't. It isn't normal behavior for her, she has never sat in my lap before or done anything sexual towards me ever.
Author ptp Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 I would definitely be concerned if my boyfriend allowed his friends to be sitting on his lap, no matter the duration of time. As someone else mentioned above, how would you feel if your girlfriend was sitting on other guys? I think that is different, she would be actively doing something. I din't actively put this friend on my lap. She sat down on my lap, I was sitting there minding my own business.
Nexus One Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 No she doesn't like me. She knew me when I was single. I have been in her apt alone with her 3-4 times. In fact when she need help with her laptop, I was in her bedroom on her bed fixing her laptop. I would know if she likes me she doesn't. It isn't normal behavior for her, she has never sat in my lap before or done anything sexual towards me ever. I think that is different, she would be actively doing something. I din't actively put this friend on my lap. She sat down on my lap, I was sitting there minding my own business. The point is, whether she likes you or not, she overstepped a boundary. You should not have let her sit on your lap, out of respect for your girlfriend. And you probably also should have called her out on it.
Author ptp Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 Well, if she is making such a big deal about this, I have a right to be mad at her too. When we go to a club or bar, I don't always keep an eye on her. Guys have bought her drinks before, she always tells me when this happens and sometimes will hand me the drink that the guy bought for her. So shouldn't I have a right to be mad for that? I don't make a big deal about it.
fallenenvy Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Difference between a guy buying her a drink and you allowing a chick to sit on your lap... you allowed a chick to sit on you.. she doesn't necessarily allow a guy to buy her a drink it often just happens ( i'll go for free alcohol anytime!); PLUS from what you are saying it doesn't seem to bother you yet you are looking for us to say you should be mad about it.... ANYWAY; As a female if i stepped in to see any chick on my b'fs lap id be with Dlish; pissed at you and take the little hussy aside The fault lies in you allowing it to happen. Knowing now that it makes her uncomfortable you need to apologize for allowing it to happen and reassure her it will never happen again. Any woman other than your gf tries to use you as a lounge again just tell her no (or go to the potty if you are to chicken to do so) If you decide the drinks thing bothers you then maybe just tell her you don't like it and ask she not accept such things.
D-Lish Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Well, if she is making such a big deal about this, I have a right to be mad at her too. When we go to a club or bar, I don't always keep an eye on her. Guys have bought her drinks before, she always tells me when this happens and sometimes will hand me the drink that the guy bought for her. So shouldn't I have a right to be mad for that? I don't make a big deal about it. You're not very smart when it comes to male-female interactions. She has no control over who buys her drinks... You had 100% control over your friend sitting in your lap. You're obviously very young.
Feelin Frisky Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 10 freaking minutes is a loooong time under those circumstances. I understand the surprise but you had plenty of time to say kindly remove your rump from my leg 'lest you get me in trouble. Either you wussed out or,,,,you liked it.
Nexus One Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 And I'd add that having a woman sit on your lap is more intimate than getting a drink and can be interpreted as having sexual connotations.
FitChick Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 When she sat down you should have said, "Ouch! You're hurting my leg!"
carhill Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 And I'd add that having a woman sit on your lap is more intimate than getting a drink and can be interpreted as having sexual connotations. Yeah, I think the comparison would have more traction if the drink buyer had his arm around her. However, that said, mitigating factors could include that the drink buyer is unknown (assumed) and that the lady can politely decline the drink. She does have a choice. Also, the lady who sat on his lap is not unknown; rather well-known to both the OP and his GF and has a history with them. The factors don't change my advice, but iMO they have relevance in the comparison.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Yeah, I think the comparison would have more traction if the drink buyer had his arm around her. I think D-Lish's analogy was good -- this would be like a guy walking up to your girlfriend at the party, putting his arms around her from behind, and her allowing him to be pressed against her for 5-10 minutes. She didn't initiate it, but if she respects her relationship at all, she'll draw the line as soon as it happens.
Woggle Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Yes it is worth fighting over. You should have told her to get off of you.
xxoo Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 I think D-Lish's analogy was good -- this would be like a guy walking up to your girlfriend at the party, putting his arms around her from behind, and her allowing him to be pressed against her for 5-10 minutes. She didn't initiate it, but if she respects her relationship at all, she'll draw the line as soon as it happens. Or a guy pulling her onto his lap, and her passively allowing it and staying there for 5-10 minutes. If accepting a drink truly bothers you, by all means tell her it bothers you. But don't bring it up as a defensive response to the lap situation.
OneFootOut Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 So was at an apt party with the GF the other night. During the night at some point she stepped out with the hostess to get some groceries/alcohol. While she wasn't there, I was sitting on the couch talking to a buddy of mine when a female friend of mine sat down in my lap for 5-10 min. I am not sure why she did this and when she sat down in my lap both me and the guy I was talking to looked at each other with confused looks. I have known this female friend for ~1 year (before I was dating current GF) and we have had nothing but a platonic relationship. She is in a committed LT/LDR. After I told the GF what happened she became upset with me and I don't know what I did wrong? Ladies is it a big deal for you to sit in a friend's lap? What should I have done differently? The only thing I can think of would have been to excuse myself to go the bathroom, but it didn't occur to me at that time. Normally I am quick to apologize for my mistakes, but I did nothing wrong. Like some have said, you should have immediately removed her from your lap, pass her off to your buddy's lap, stand and offer her a seat, etc. If you can't straight up tell her, then joke about it, but get her off you. "Oh no you don't, this lap is reserved" - whatever Why? What if your gf had walked in and seen her comfortably perched on your lap? How do you think that would have made her feel? I don't care how innocent you said it was, to a gf walking in on it, there is no amount of explaining that will justify it. Bottom line is, if you want this relationship to last with your gf, you will not allow yourself to be put in any situation that would create doubt or hurt for her, if she was to find out or witness it. I just wonder why you even said anything about it, unless it was memorable enough that you couldn't just let it go. Maybe your gf is more angry that since you brought it up, the girl was obviously still on your mind.
carhill Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 I think D-Lish's analogy was good -- this would be like a guy walking up to your girlfriend at the party, putting his arms around her from behind, and her allowing him to be pressed against her for 5-10 minutes. She didn't initiate it, but if she respects her relationship at all, she'll draw the line as soon as it happens. If the guy was a friend of the couple, similar situation, agreed. Stranger, disagree. Relationship to the couple is relevant. IME, with my exW's female friends, behaviors which were otherwise unacceptable from outsiders were acceptable from them, due to her relationship with them and 'knowing that the behavior was innocent'. In the case of the OP, there's a different situation, a female friend of his which evidently pre-dated his involvement with his girlfriend, and it's unclear what the tone of the two lady's relationship is. If it's mutually tolerant but not friendly, then that would be equivalent to a stranger's behavior, and her reaction could validate that. OTOH, she could have a complete no-tolerance policy for any behaviors which can be perceived as sexual with her BF. If this dynamic was not communicated prior (I'm unclear on that), then it has been communicated now, the OP should accept it and modify his behaviors accordingly. Apologize once, modify the behavior and do not entertain any future discussion of it. Move on.
Author ptp Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 10 freaking minutes is a loooong time under those circumstances. I understand the surprise but you had plenty of time to say kindly remove your rump from my leg 'lest you get me in trouble. Either you wussed out or,,,,you liked it. Well it is probably like 5 min maybe less...it isn't like I was timing it. No I didn't wuss out, I was confused by the situation. If I thought she had done something very inappropriate I would have moved her out of the way. No I didn't like it, what is there to like, she wasn't being affectionate, she wasn't hugging me or kissing me...like I said, I was confused more than anything.
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