GildedLily Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Hi guys I could use your help: Been with bf 3 months. We are adults I in my early 30's he in late 40's. Throughout relationship so far he has treated me very well, calls every day, plans dates in advance, so far no trust issues. Sex is good as well. There's this one big thing he's done about 3 times in our relationship: I call him and he doesn't answer and he'll take a long time calling me back like maybe 8 hours. He always has a believable excuse but the problem is one of these 3 times I REALLY needed his help and support (one of the times having to rush to the quick care alone) I discussed this with him and his response was basically he did nothing wrong because he wasn't purposely avoiding my call. He also changed my ring tone to something louder so he wouldn't miss in the future. Over the weekend he went on a work trip and called me every night and saturday afternoon. I missed his call saturday but called him right back, he never answered so I called him one more time in the evening and left a message. Didn't receive a call back all night. I went out all night and finally texted him at 11:30 pm "Worried about you, never heard from you" He doesn't call me at all until Sunday afternoon at 2:30 pm right before he got on the plane. I asked him calmly if he received my messages/ phone calls. He said "yes, but we were busy all day long saturday and then we went to dinner and a bar" I got off the phone just then politely but also slightly short with him. I have a HARD time seeing how someone who says they care about me could see a text and completely ignore and not even have a moment say when they went to the bathroom to text me back and say he's ok. Please tell me if this is red flag behavior. Again the issue isn't that I think he's cheating when he doesn't call back it's him being completely inconsiderate; knowing it bothers me and not being decent and at least texting me back.
Professor X Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 So basically he is calling you every day, plans plenty of things with you and only because 3 times he was late to respond you wanna burn him? Jeez. There could plenty of things that got him not to respond to you, like he didn't hear the phone right away, and when he did notice the text msg he was busy and by the time he was free he forgot and so on. It happens to me so many times, I see a missed call, I tell myself I'll go get something to drink before I call back and something catches me up on my way to the kitchen or that I simply forget or what not. HAPPENS. If you aren't worried that he's cheating on you than accept his excuses as is and deal with your own issues. And as for the quick care issue, yes, he did nothing wrong. How could he when he didn't know?
Feelin Frisky Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 I guess you'll have to tell him it's on the level of a deal-breaker because it sours your serenity so much. I can understand that. It is rather rude and I MAKE TIME for those who matter--no matter how busy I am. It's not a good sign when someone says they are "busy" and the nature of the "busy-ness" was going to a bar. Consider however that some people have private ways of "rationalizing" things in their head where they think, "gee, I call all the time and that lets me off the hook for the once in a while failures". That's ca-ca to me. What happens is we base our feelings on what we learn to expect--what is typical and normal for the way two people treat each other. When one flakes off, the other is left wondering what has happened in a myriad of disconcerting ways. I think if you've made the leap into a relationship you basically give up that right to turn things on and off when it suits you. It's not fair and not considerate and eventually grounds for a deal-breaker. Good luck.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 GildedLily - I believe you are over reacting. 8 hours later is nothing. Geez. If a man was texting me "worrieded about, haven't heard from you since we talked 2/3/4/5/6/7/8 hours ago!", I'd be turned off. You need to give the man some space and be more understanding toward him. Since he really seems to be meeting the important things such as making dates and standing firm on them and the likes you described.
Author GildedLily Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 So basically he is calling you every day, plans plenty of things with you and only because 3 times he was late to respond you wanna burn him? Jeez. There could plenty of things that got him not to respond to you, like he didn't hear the phone right away, and when he did notice the text msg he was busy and by the time he was free he forgot and so on. It happens to me so many times, I see a missed call, I tell myself I'll go get something to drink before I call back and something catches me up on my way to the kitchen or that I simply forget or what not. HAPPENS. If you aren't worried that he's cheating on you than accept his excuses as is and deal with your own issues. And as for the quick care issue, yes, he did nothing wrong. How could he when he didn't know? Thank you very much for your reply It's not about the other times he didn't answer or return calls; I only recounted those times so that you could see that I've told him (in a nice way) that it bothered me. Also so you would see that because this is a guy that has been consistent, these blurps are small red flags leading up to the BIG red flag that happened last night (not calling or responding period).
Author GildedLily Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 I guess you'll have to tell him it's on the level of a deal-breaker because it sours your serenity so much. I can understand that. It is rather rude and I MAKE TIME for those who matter--no matter how busy I am. It's not a good sign when someone says they are "busy" and the nature of the "busy-ness" was going to a bar. Consider however that some people have private ways of "rationalizing" things in their head where they think, "gee, I call all the time and that lets me off the hook for the once in a while failures". That's ca-ca to me. What happens is we base our feelings on what we learn to expect--what is typical and normal for the way two people treat each other. When one flakes off, the other is left wondering what has happened in a myriad of disconcerting ways. I think if you've made the leap into a relationship you basically give up that right to turn things on and off when it suits you. It's not fair and not considerate and eventually grounds for a deal-breaker. Good luck. Great reply, thank you so much Sours my serenity hits it on the head. I agree that he might be the rationalizing type. It surprises me still that just the night before he was texting me "Miss you" and then he goes to a bar and doesn't think of me enough to even text "I'm ok, ttyl" I guess the past treatment really doesn't matter when he KNEW this would upset me and just did it anyway. I almost think he wanted me to break up with him. So disappointed.
D-Lish Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Sometimes people need their space, and don't want to be made to feel guilty for taking it. If he's generally good about planning, calling and following through, give him a break when he wants some space. You're looking at this from a perspective that is about what you want- maybe what he wants/needs once in a while is a little space. Your partner wanting or needing a little space here and there isn't an indication of how they feel about you, it's simply something they require here and there. Instead of approaching this as something you are upset about, ask him if this is the case. He may feel nervous about telling you what he needs because he doesn't want to upset or hurt you.
norajane Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 A man in his late 40's did not grow up with a cell phone grafted to his hands. He probably didn't get one until his late 20's or early 30's. You, on the other hand, probably got one when you were a teen. I bring this up to give you a different perspective: not everyone treats cell phones as something they HAVE to respond to instantly. It's a tool to make life easier, not a command performance to always be available all the time every minute, and not a command performance to reply to every message the instant it beeps in. Some people also think it is extremely rude to be constantly checking the phone and texting, texting, texting when in the company of other people. Especially at a work-thing in front of his boss or customers.
thatone Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 actually i am early 30s (for one more month ) and we didn't have cell phones by and large when i was in college. they existed, but were too expensive. they didn't get cheap and widely available until i was 25 or 26 i guess? something like that. i first got one when ATT started calling random customers and offering them a free phone for signing up for 2 years. i know i was at least 24 or 25 when that started.
Imajerk17 Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 You kind of remind me of a poster on here named Eternal Sunshine. And no, that's not really a compliment. He got back to you within 24 hours. Chill.
Professor X Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Also so you would see that because this is a guy that has been consistent, these blurps are small red flags leading up to the BIG red flag that happened last night (not calling or responding period). How's this consistent? He return your calls late only 3.33~% of the times (he's calling you every day so I'll assume you're calling him every day as well - just to make your accusation somewhat, "justified"). If you'd say he does that every day or every Saturday or something more specific, I might have agreed on consistency, but that's not the case here.
loversquarrel Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 You have been dating this person for 3 months, he is much older and may be the very laid back type. Have you ever asked him what his view of the relationship is? i.e. serious or casual? 3 months isn't a long time to be with someone and you both may have differing views on the relationship. Speaking from experience, I am an older divorced man (late 30's) dating a younger woman (mid 20's) and we are very different when it comes to things like this, for instance, when I'm on the phone and she calls and I don't click over for her she gets very upset and I don't, if she texts and I take a while to get back to her, she gets upset and I don't. One thing I don't do though is ever ignore her. In fact I call her as soon as I get off the phone or text her as soon as I get the chance. I can tell you point blank that because she means something to me I don't let it go for 8 hrs. The guy's busy and he can't get back to you? He can take a piss in that time frame and not take 5 seconds to text you to let you know he's busy? I don't blame you for your red flags, that's why I think you should find out exactly where he stands with your relationship. Make your decision with more info, if it continues after your talk then you know your not as important to him as he is to you.
norajane Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 actually i am early 30s (for one more month ) and we didn't have cell phones by and large when i was in college. they existed, but were too expensive. they didn't get cheap and widely available until i was 25 or 26 i guess? something like that. Then I think you can understand that just because cell phones are so ubiquitous does not make them a leash. Just because phones exist, does not mean people feel the need to always be at someone's beck and call. I get really annoyed when people stalk me via cell phone, with the expectation that, of course, I will drop everything to talk to them or text them. Contacting me 3 times in a day does not make me feel any more urgent a need to call back. A lot of times, I throw the phone in my bag and forget it, or turn it off entirely.
loversquarrel Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 I just re-read your post, if this happened only three times I would take it easy a lil bit. Whatever you do be reasonable about it otherwise you will come off as a bit controlling (not a good thing).
CarrieT Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Wow - you are considering breaking up over this? I think you are WAY over-reacting... Especially with everything else you have written about the relationship. With the last guy I dated (for four months), if I called him, I was lucky if he called back within three days -- and yes, it started with daily texts, etc... I'm in my late 40s so I would totally cut the guy some slack. Not everyone lives at the breakneck speed of NEEDING TO HAVE IT IMMEDIATELY. Slow your whole life down a little and don't worry so much.
Author GildedLily Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 Sometimes people need their space, and don't want to be made to feel guilty for taking it. If he's generally good about planning, calling and following through, give him a break when he wants some space. You're looking at this from a perspective that is about what you want- maybe what he wants/needs once in a while is a little space. Your partner wanting or needing a little space here and there isn't an indication of how they feel about you, it's simply something they require here and there. Instead of approaching this as something you are upset about, ask him if this is the case. He may feel nervous about telling you what he needs because he doesn't want to upset or hurt you. Thank you for your reply! You know I hadn't thought about this in that way; that he may need space and that instead of asking for it and risk causing confusion he's showing me through his actions. I have to say that I do or did take it personally since the person he wants space from is me. I will have a talk with him tonight and calmly ask him if this is something he needs. He has texted me that he "left his phone in the room and didn't look at it till this morning"
Author GildedLily Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 GildedLily - I believe you are over reacting. 8 hours later is nothing. Geez. If a man was texting me "worrieded about, haven't heard from you since we talked 2/3/4/5/6/7/8 hours ago!", I'd be turned off. You need to give the man some space and be more understanding toward him. Since he really seems to be meeting the important things such as making dates and standing firm on them and the likes you described. Thank for your reply My post was mostly about being upset over the 24 hour period of no contact and no good excuse for it. I admit that part of me is worried about what he was doing and who he was with. This guy is the SHY type though and never approaches women usually.
Author GildedLily Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 You kind of remind me of a poster on here named Eternal Sunshine. And no, that's not really a compliment. He got back to you within 24 hours. Chill. I've read a lot of ES posts so I know who you are referring to. I'm mainly concerned about the major change in contact and the ignoring of my calls to him and texts as well.
Author GildedLily Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 A man in his late 40's did not grow up with a cell phone grafted to his hands. He probably didn't get one until his late 20's or early 30's. You, on the other hand, probably got one when you were a teen. I bring this up to give you a different perspective: not everyone treats cell phones as something they HAVE to respond to instantly. It's a tool to make life easier, not a command performance to always be available all the time every minute, and not a command performance to reply to every message the instant it beeps in. Some people also think it is extremely rude to be constantly checking the phone and texting, texting, texting when in the company of other people. Especially at a work-thing in front of his boss or customers. Thank you for your reply. He's his own boss .He doesn't see cell phones like I do that's true. But his track record is one of being consistent, almost always returns calls and texts where I am concerned. He's good with the phone, so this sudden break of 24 hours without answering my calls or text has me worried there's a major reason and or/ this is a red flag.
snug.bunny Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Unless you suspect that he is (a) cheating on you or (b) ignoring you as a form of punishment, what you've described doesn't sound like appropriate grounds for breaking up with someone over. This isn't some guy you are dating, he is your boyfriend, so you're going to have to learn to cut him some slack if you want your relationship to continue and blossom
Onlyjonley Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 That's just a dude being a dude. My boyfriend has never not got back to me but there are days when I'll receive one text all day and that's it. Other days, he'll text me quite a bit. Guys tend to focus on one thing at a time so if he's busy, give him a break ..especially if he's normally good about keeping in contact.
Author GildedLily Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 Unless you suspect that he is (a) cheating on you or (b) ignoring you as a form of punishment, what you've described doesn't sound like appropriate grounds for breaking up with someone over. This isn't some guy you are dating, he is your boyfriend, so you're going to have to learn to cut him some slack if you want your relationship to continue and blossom Thanks for your reply. You're right he is my boyfriend so he does get more slack. I had him tell me in person why things got so busy that he didn't text and I guess he did really have some grueling work and presentations to do. I didn't get the feeling he was cheating or lying just super busy in the evening and straight to bed (didn't see my text till next morning) He apologized for worrying me and promised to work on it.
Author GildedLily Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 That's just a dude being a dude. My boyfriend has never not got back to me but there are days when I'll receive one text all day and that's it. Other days, he'll text me quite a bit. Guys tend to focus on one thing at a time so if he's busy, give him a break ..especially if he's normally good about keeping in contact. Thank you for your reply; giving him a break; keep forgetting he's a guy
Author GildedLily Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 Thank you everyone for your time and responses!
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 You kind of remind me of a poster on here named Eternal Sunshine. And no, that's not really a compliment. He got back to you within 24 hours. Chill. I hope that you and your hand are happy together
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