malentendu Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 I met a guy online, we clicked. I waited 3 dates before I slept with him. He pursued me. He called all the time, texted, checked we still had plans. He is hot and successful but really insecure and I think always assumes I don't like him (maybe just a rationalization). I was trying to be "hard to get" and kept shooting myself in the foot, like missing a dinner he'd cooked for us by going home and not calling him instead. Then he dumped me saying it was because he was leaving the country (in 5 months!) and asked if we could be casual-short term, dinners, bike rides (and I assume sex). I said I prefer long term and would he change his mind? Then he assumed that was a no, I told him it wasn't but I was so upset he said it didn't seem I could be casual. I just returned his sweater-same issue, I was waiting for him to call. He didn't, so I waited 3 days then caved-missing a great ending, he'd promised to come over to my apartment for a final talk. Is he just not that into me or did I f@ck it all up by playing games and not calling him? I see now, he is passive. He wanted me to initiate. Now I miss him terribly, I can't sleep and I am crying because though it was just 1 month, I will NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN, and never forget him, ever (that is my mind unfortunately).
Professor X Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Sounds like you f*cked it up by playing games. Besides, I don't recall a rule saying to miss out on dinner plans, that's just rude.
allina Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Games are never good, next time just be natural and act like yourself. Second, sometimes, no matter what you do things just don't click. I know it's hard now, but come on, pick yourself up, you'll get over this. It's time to let him go, assess what you can do better next time and move on.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 He is hot and successful but really insecure and I think always assumes I don't like him (maybe just a rationalization). I was trying to be "hard to get" and kept shooting myself in the foot, like missing a dinner he'd cooked for us by going home and not calling him instead. That isn't playing hard to get... that's just being a jerk. I don't think you were playing by the rules at all... I think you need to reevaluate how you date.
Author malentendu Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 To clarify. I always initiated everything. In retrospect, I think he was too unsure of himself. He was also 6 years younger. Anyway, I suggested we "get" dinner, then I went off alone for a few hours, hoping he'd miss me and text me. When he didn't text after 6 hours, I called him from home. He'd made dinner and was waiting for ME to call HIM. That sums up the relationship. By the way-this isn't how I date. This was an experiment in the rules.
Author malentendu Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 when I was honest and asked if he'd change his mind because I liked him, etc. he was firm that he only wanted "short term" dating with a DEFINITE endpoint in February. Weird. Also, I was angry when I saw him today but texted that I'd be open to being friends later. I think he doesn't care as much as I do, to even process what happened, when, etc. He shut down. Did I mention he cried for 3 hours when we broke up the first time? I give up.
Professor X Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 He'd made dinner and was waiting for ME to call HIM. That sums up the relationship. He pursued me. He called all the time, texted, checked we still had plans.. How do these 2 connect? Sounds like you're contradicting yourself. I guess it's another case of unreliable narrator. By the way-this isn't how I date. This was an experiment in the rules. Those are far from the rules, moreover, the rules of acting "hard to get" (not that I believe in that) are suppose, as far as I know, to be applied before you start dating, in other words, he needs to pursue you to get the date and that's where the games end. From the sound of things, you were acting like a b1tch (sorry!) and at the end, when you tried to come clean before him, it was to late. Of course I could be wrong.
Author malentendu Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 the rules last until marriage and after. I did act wrong about dinner and not calling him for our final chat. However, he insisted he was downgrading to "casual" without budging to avoid pain in 5 months. He told me to move one I could do better, get a new bf, etc. He dumped me telling me he still liked me and NEVER mentioned me being a bitch. He said he never gets jealous and if I choose to go home or not call, he doesn't mind-and he's aware he comes off cold. I do regret the missed dinner. I texted we can be friends to no response. He said I was stalky the last time we broke up, I told him I didn't call for our final chat because he said that. so now, he might call me stalky if I call, I think I'll email a friendly consolation. thx
Professor X Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 the rules last until marriage and after. LOL, good luck with that. :rolleyes:
AHardDaysNight Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 It just sounds like he thought you were much more attractive, and then friendzoned you at the end. Kind of heartless, but dating is heartless. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on.
Imajerk17 Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Honestly, my head was spinning just reading this thread. Neither of you seem to communicate with much clarity. If you are hell-bent on saving this and think that he dumped you because you missed his dinner (OR if you're going to keep obsessing about this guy anyway): Offer to make it up to him by cooking him dinner. I personally think that he isn't that into you. If I dumped a girl "on principle" (e.g., for blowing off my dinner or something) I wouldn't offer to be casual.
monkey00 Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Although you were the one that messed up first. And him later. There's still a small chance at salvaging this. Either one of you, most likely you will have to own up to it, explain everything about what you did and apologize, especially tell him about 'the rules' thing you were following.....basically you will have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and let your guard down. The whole miscommunication/sending mixed messages thing has to stop as well. You just have to be clear and thorough. If he refuses to communicate and talk to you and accept your apology. Then all that's left to do is move on. At least you know you tried and gave it a shot.
FitChick Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Sounds like you f*cked it up by playing games. Besides, I don't recall a rule saying to miss out on dinner plans, that's just rude. Bad manners are never attractive.
snug.bunny Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 I was trying to be "hard to get" and kept shooting myself in the foot, like missing a dinner he'd cooked for us by going home and not calling him instead. So you purposely stood him up? Ouch. Good luck recovering from that.
Woggle Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Next time don't play stupid game. Despite what anybody says men don't like this.
Author malentendu Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 "I personally think that he isn't that into you. If I dumped a girl "on principle" (e.g., for blowing off my dinner or something) I wouldn't offer to be casual." What does it mean when a guy offers casual? The night we both cried, he said he liked me but he was leaving and didn't want to repeat what happened with his ex...I kept saying, you're crying but this is YOUR decision! I think so too-re: the games. Yes, I want to apologize for playing games, I came over his house to do just that and that's when he offered the casual downgrade. Then I saw him online and I called him until he picked up to say, WTF? We talked and he said he'd come over Friday after my holiday. Friday came he never called. So I finally called him Sunday. He said he was waiting for me to call. In the BEGINNING he was pursuing, calling, and checking with texts like "Are we still on?" Sadly, I think he's totally done with me. I miss him and will try, but I suspect he will ignore me. He's so cute, and has a great British accent:)
joystickd Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 the rules = manipulation. If you play games and you are the one left complaining then you got played. Lesson here is you can't be manipulative without opening yourself to be manipulated. Why can't everyone just cut the BS and just be direct and honest? It saves a lot of drama
Author malentendu Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 Shocker. He wrote me an email after dumping me telling me how much he missed me and was fighting himself not to call me. Just before he came over for dinner he texted "Wait, this is just a friend's dinner, right?" I was so angry because his email was definitely more than friends and he implied he wanted to stay the night after wine and he cooked! I said don't come. He said ok, I just wanted to be friends (bs). Now a week later. He has ignored me, cut me off told me to have a nice life and I am stalking him. Love sucks! I always liked him and I never got to tell him how I felt about him. BUT, whoever said he's just not that into me is right. Even if he is in love with me, he's pretty strong will power and he's cut me off to save himself, his own pain when he may leave in 4 months. I am so sad, I can't stop stalking him (asking for friendly tea). When he emails me I will be over him which is what he wants. I've been on a few dates, even lost weight, and can't stop thinking about him. Just being honest. Please don't be mean!
Author malentendu Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 he's 6 years younger, broke up with ex who's my age only 6 months again and they're still "best friends" and said flat out he cant commit or doesn't want to over promise.. That's what his email said, I thought it meant let's try again. I think it did. Now I lost him again!!!!!!
Recommended Posts