do i have any chance of getting back with my ex? :(

[jfxxxx]

its been 3 weeks since me and my ex boyfriend split up, and its still breaking my heart. we were together for 14 months, which was the longest relationship for the both of us and we were just so perfect together. anyway, heres my story, it might be long but i hope you can take the time to read it and give me some advice..

 

everything in our relationship was amazing, other than my insecurities. i found it really hard to trust him because of my previous ex boyfriend. i was also too stubborn that whenever my ex told me he wouldnt cheat on me or never hurt me, id be too scared to believe it or even try to just give it a go in trusting him and building it little by little. well eventually he had enough and decided he didnt deserve it anymore, which he didnt as he treated me like a princess. so for about 6 weeks from when he said he had enough, we were still together but he was really distant, he kept telling me that he didnt know what to do.. whether to stay with me and give this another go, or whether to end it with me. during these 6 weeks, we had a week of giving eachother space or so, yes i did the usual begging him to make the decision to stay with me but i guess that pushed his further. he also said he missed me though in these 6 weeks, and came to see me where he told me he loved me and acted perfectly normal with me. then a week and a half later, he says he still doesnt know and that he enjoys spending time with me, but when he leaves me he just doesnt miss me. i can see the logic in this as because i didnt trust him, we both became so attached in our relationship and lost our social lives and rarely went out. so i guess he couldnt miss me much when all i ever was doing was being around him?

 

anyway, so rang me and told me that he didnt know what to do. and i broke down telling him that i had waited 6 whole weeks, giving him space and all sorts and that i just feel like a tag along. and he broke down crying telling me that he couldnt bare to see me hurt anymore and therefore ended it with me so that he could test whether he would really miss me now that im not around.

 

its been 3 weeks since that night, and weve kinda kept in contact and seen eachother at parties. he gets really defensive about a lot of things, telling me he doesnt want me to have sex with any other guys and that hes scared of me going to university because he cant bare the thought of other guys touching me. he also tells me that he will always love me and care about me deeply, and will kill anyone if they ever chose to hurt me. he also still kisses me on the forehead and cheek.

 

at a party last night, a guy decided to buy me a drink and my ex got so funny about it, telling me to go off with him and do whatever i want, which obviously i didnt. he ended up coming back to mine for the night and stayed. on our way back, he was squeezing my hand and my leg, and was telling me that he just wanted to get home so that he could hold me. we were all snuggled up at the beginning of the night, and he was telling me how i looked hot tonight and kissed me forehead and nose. we eventually had sex, which i didnt regret but felt bad about. but he said that he didnt do it to use me and that he never will use me, just that when he's laying there it feels right and its natural because it was part of our routine whilst together that we got so used to.

 

anyway i went to sleep, woke up this morning and we were play fighting, talking about last night, messing around.. everything seemed so perfect again. i even did this little face that i used to do that he loved and he turned around and told me not to do that because it'd make him miss me. even his best mate said that he'd start to miss the really little things. he said he missed and loved my kisses also. we had sex yet again. and i got upset about it this time, started crying telling him that i hate how hes not mine, and technically he's single and can go out and have anyone he wants. but he said that he doesnt want anyone else and if any girl touches him, that he'll jsut tell them to go away. we have a promise to not have sex with anyone else, or get with another person. also, his best mate told his girlfriend which got back to me that he believes my ex misses me but he just wont admit it. which does make sense, because my ex rarely opens up and before we even got together, he kept denying that he loved me but then realised after 6 months that he couldnt fight it any longer. i think he's scared of his feelings for me. he probably expected to move on, but he hasn't.

 

im sick of this hurt and mixed messages. im trying to do no contact from today onwards to see if he does bother texting me as he still wants to be friends and stay in contact. just want him back. in these 3 weeks, ive realised my mistakes and im working on them so hard. i just want a second chance. has anyone got any advice to give me on what to do and what you think my ex is feeling? obviously it wont be accurate but please help. sorry for the long story! x

Edited October 23, 2011 by jfxxxx

[eleanorhurting]

he will never miss you if he has you.

 

It is soooo hard but go NC

[citrusdrop1688]

Also, someone who is completely in love with you will still use you if you allow them to. They dont mean to... it just happens. People naturally take what they can get... and really right now he has it perfect... he gets all the perks like your in a relationship, but doesnt have any of the restrictions or commitment. Dont allow yourself to be treated like that. I did that exact thing when i broke up with my ex and its still something i regret. I compromised my values and my standards on how I should be treated in a vain hope it would lead us to working things out. Dont make the same mistake.

[infinity8245]

Something similar happened to me in my past when I was around 18 or 19, so I can sympathize. I split up with a girl, we still loved each other, and although we were technically still single, we start spending time together again, kissing, cuddling, fooling around...the whole 9 yards. It was nice for a while because it let both of us have the perks of a relationship without having to be tied down. Things seemed great for a while, and then they fell apart for months. We eventually got back together, but only for a few months, and then things really spiraled out of control and we broke up for good.

 

My point is, it's the easy choice to be intimate like you were yet still stay technically single, but it's not the right choice. In the end, it will really do more harm than good. I know it's hard, but you need to stop seeing each other and go NC ASAP. It will hurt like hell, but I truly think it's the right decision. You're hurting NOW, and continuing to see your ex might dull the pain for a while, but eventually the hurt will come back, and probably worse than it is now. I think it's best to let go and move on.

 

In my most recent breakup, it would have been easy to stay close to my ex like that, and in a way we both kind of wanted it. But, I now have the perspective and maturity to realize that we shouldn't. It was a hard decision and I'm hurting a lot, but I know that in the end, it's the right decision.

[joseph17]

Let him think about you just a little longer. It looks to me you still have a chance at getting him back just don't bother him and let him come to his own dissension. He'll call you back just let him do it on his own. He still loves you it looks like he still cares just keep working on a yourself to improve evrthing

[TheGirlThatWon]

He's still in love with you for sure but you really need to take space from each other. I know you don't want to hear it but you really need to just go NC. Don't go off NC until he straight up says he wants you back which it really looks like he'll do.

 

Good luck!

[jfxxxx]

He's still in love with you for sure but you really need to take space from each other. I know you don't want to hear it but you really need to just go NC. Don't go off NC until he straight up says he wants you back which it really looks like he'll do.

 

Good luck!

 

but wont no contact just push him further away and allow him to forget about me? im so worried because i really do believe we can work things out as we are still on good terms and still love eachother. he even said to me if he was in another relationship and ended up bumping into me, he reckons he'd cheat on the person with me. you just dont say that! :/ aaaah. x

[kimmi]

Bottem line this dude wants you when he thinks he can not have you , he wants to string you along and have you waiting for him. do not promise that you are not going to be moving on, that's what a break up is !!! One of you will be hurt as one of you will move on.

 

As for him forgetting about you, heck no he will not !! He wants you waiting for him. If you keep on contacting him he will start to back off, Make him miss you, do not call or text, Go NC and make yourself happy !!

 

You can't miss what you already have, make him think, trust us it works.

 

Kinnda funny how he wanted to be with you the night he seen another guy paying attention to you think about why he did that.

 

My ex did that, my daughter's 18th birthday we invited him (was in her life for years) that night I ended up leaving and he was losing his mind how did I get home who took me home what was his name? He was asking everyone at the party if they knew were I was. In my mind it did not matter as we were not together. I wanted to be but he wanted to stay split up, so oh well bit of bad luck for him.

I went home by cab on my own that night but I did not answer his 22 calls, I did not call him back I did not give him the satisfaction of "driving me home".

In the end we did split, it was me who never wanted to go back to him and it was so hard, One of the hardest times of my life but today I am so happy. I did not every get back into a relationship went on a few dates here and there from guys in my past but that was it. I found my own happiness within myself and also found out that I am way to independent to be with someone because I hate telling someone where I am going for how long and so on. (unless it is my kids)

 

So go NC make him miss you and while you are doing this , start doing things that really make you happy and on the days that is really hard make yourself get out of the house and doing things.

 

Best wishes

[geegirl]

but wont no contact just push him further away and allow him to forget about me? im so worried because i really do believe we can work things out as we are still on good terms and still love eachother. he even said to me if he was in another relationship and ended up bumping into me, he reckons he'd cheat on the person with me. you just dont say that! :/ aaaah. x

 

If someone wants to be with you and sincerely loves you and wants to work things out, the distance will bring you closer, not apart. You shouldn't have to remind someone of your existence. You should be significant enough for them to remember. If he forgets, then you have your answer.

 

Wow, he reckons he would cheat on someone to be with you. So, why not just be with you then? He may love you but not enough to go the extra mile. You may feel that you can work things out together but you should never place your views of the potential of the R on him.

 

You need to step away from him. He cannot miss you or the R or even evaluate what he truly wants if you are standing right infront of him.

[jfxxxx]

kimmi and geegee, you both make a lot of sense. i know for a fact he would never forget about me if i went NC, but i guess its only natural to worry. i just hate getting mixed signals from him, because he clearly still loves and cares about me but for some reason, he's continuing to hide himself away and deny his feelings. i guess all i can do now is give him the space he wants, that way he'll know that im respecting his need for personal space. and as you said it, you cant miss someone if there always in front of you. i do believe we have what it takes to give it another go, and i know i shouldnt keep thinking that just incase the worst happens and we are over for good, but it always crops up in the back of my mind and im sure it does his aswell.

 

and i know, weird that he said he'd cheat on someone else for me? he also said if we were to meet in 10 years and we were both married, he'd get a divorce for me if he wanted to be with me again. simple things and messages like this make me think 'do you really want this to be over?' .. but i dont want to be his bit on the side, i need to find the strength to not allow myself to do that. but i guess because i love him so much, somehow ill always be led back to him. just wish he'd make his mind up, because its still quite clear he doesnt know what he wants, despite the fact we're not together.

 

what will be, will be. i just hope he sees potential in the future.

thankyou for your advice, you've knocked some common sense into me and given me a slight bit of reassurance at the same time!

[SWAN808]

there is some great advice here.

 

I can relate as I feel a bit like this guy you are talking about.

 

Ive just broken up with my ex but just before we were having exactly the same situation as you. Back and forth and then it became too complicated and messy so we are now NC for the time being.

 

If you are meant to be with this guy - going NC now is the only way to tell. You have to tell yourself - going NC now will give you the best chance of things working out for the best - whatever the result

 

I think its possible that rather than him being in denial of his feelings - it sounds like he has MIXED feelings. He obviously cares about you a lot - but there is something also stopping him that hit him after the initial infatuation period-that caused a doubt. This is exactly what happened to me.

Women often talk about guys being 'afraid' to commit or scared by their past etc - I often think this is BS. With a guy - its more likely he is confused and not sure about the relationship. He thinks the world of you and does want to be with you - but he has mixed feelings he has not worked out yet.

[jfxxxx]

there is some great advice here.

 

I can relate as I feel a bit like this guy you are talking about.

 

Ive just broken up with my ex but just before we were having exactly the same situation as you. Back and forth and then it became too complicated and messy so we are now NC for the time being.

 

If you are meant to be with this guy - going NC now is the only way to tell. You have to tell yourself - going NC now will give you the best chance of things working out for the best - whatever the result

 

I think its possible that rather than him being in denial of his feelings - it sounds like he has MIXED feelings. He obviously cares about you a lot - but there is something also stopping him that hit him after the initial infatuation period-that caused a doubt. This is exactly what happened to me.

Women often talk about guys being 'afraid' to commit or scared by their past etc - I often think this is BS. With a guy - its more likely he is confused and not sure about the relationship. He thinks the world of you and does want to be with you - but he has mixed feelings he has not worked out yet.

 

 

this advice is of great help, so thankyou. especially seeing as you are in the same situation as me, but in the same shoes as my ex boyfriend. i can understand what you mean by mixed feelings, but i dont know what feelings is making him hesitant on being with me? if he loves me and cares about me enough like he makes out, then what exactly is it that is keeping him away from being together again. its a thought that bugs me every day. i definitely will go NC, i think its best to respect his space, especially as i became so attached. i need to prove that i can have a life that doesnt involve him, because i guess thats more attractive than a needy person.

 

so what is happening with your ex at the moment? have you got a set time that you want to go NC for, or are you just holding out hoping to hear from them rather than you initiating the contact?

 

i think thats another thing in my case. me and my ex boyfriend are really stubborn, and i think in the NC period, we'll want to text eachother but we wont because it means more to get the text first, haha!

[SWAN808]

this advice is of great help, so thankyou. especially seeing as you are in the same situation as me, but in the same shoes as my ex boyfriend. i can understand what you mean by mixed feelings, but i dont know what feelings is making him hesitant on being with me? if he loves me and cares about me enough like he makes out, then what exactly is it that is keeping him away from being together again. its a thought that bugs me every day. i definitely will go NC, i think its best to respect his space, especially as i became so attached. i need to prove that i can have a life that doesnt involve him, because i guess thats more attractive than a needy person.

 

so what is happening with your ex at the moment? have you got a set time that you want to go NC for, or are you just holding out hoping to hear from them rather than you initiating the contact?

 

i think thats another thing in my case. me and my ex boyfriend are really stubborn, and i think in the NC period, we'll want to text eachother but we wont because it means more to get the text first, haha!

 

you might not like what Im going to say - but Im gonna say it how it is with me as far as I can tell.

 

I have really strong feelings for my ex. However at some point - a part of me started to doubt if we were right for eachother in the longer term. Just as you say you had a hard time trusting him and dealing with your insecurities - my ex also had some personal issues some of which sound similar. I worked hard over time to ease these issues and we had a great time - but there was a point where suddenly because of all this 'stuff' I felt like there was not an equal balance in the relationship because I was having to convince her a lot of the time of my intentions and how I felt. Despite really caring about her - I felt like I was having to look after more than I wanted to in a relationship. Of course I am an extremely caring person (and treated her the best she has ever been) - but there must be a balance maintained in a relationship in my view. For her - she thought it was all perfect - but she could not see that I wasnt quite happy because of the dynamics of the relationship and a part of me had become tired by this. Unfortunately although she was a wonderful person - it was not easy to be in a relationship with her because of her past experiences and the way it had affected her - as well as her sensitivities. I felt like she needed to work through some stuff before she was ready - or maybe she just wasnt able to give me love like I need it...

However at the same time - I really care about her and everything on the surface is great - which is very confusing. I just got a sniff in your first post that something similar may be going on...

 

I know he says he loves and cares about you - but if he is not with you - something real is stopping him. At this moment in time -it sounds like part of him wants to be with you - but another part of him deep down has these reservations. It is an internal conflict that is a difficult one. I doubt he is messing you around at least intentionally - but the problem is - its not fair on you - because you are not suffering from the same sense of ambivalence.

 

I wonder if something similar is going on between you two. Its difficult to tell to be honest - I cold be way off the mark. I hope its not too full-on for me to drop it like this.

 

If that is the case I suggest going NC for a while - and if it REALLY is meant to work out between you guys - in the future it will. But you will prob need to spend some time apart and allow both of you to grow and mature a bit. If you have had some difficult times that are affecting your relationships - you might need to look at that. If its not that bigger deal - then perhaps he is just not the right one for you despite having a wonderful connection...

I know its hard - but you prob will have to let it go for the time being. Forget this 'Im stubborn and he is stubborn' dilemma - its just a smoke screen. NC.

 

This is the place I am with my ex. I am going to try to let her go for now so she can get into a better place - do NC for the break up - and then see how things are in the future. Sometimes two people need to grow a bit to work out what they want/need in a relationship. If its meant to be - it will be. Go and look after yourself - focus on yourself for a while.

Edited October 25, 2011 by SWAN808

[jfxxxx]

you might not like what Im going to say - but Im gonna say it how it is with me as far as I can tell.

 

I have really strong feelings for my ex. However at some point - a part of me started to doubt if we were right for eachother in the longer term. Just as you say you had a hard time trusting him and dealing with your insecurities - my ex also had some personal issues some of which sound similar. I worked hard over time to ease these issues and we had a great time - but there was a point where suddenly because of all this 'stuff' I felt like there was not an equal balance in the relationship because I was having to convince her a lot of the time of my intentions and how I felt. Despite really caring about her - I felt like I was having to look after more than I wanted to in a relationship. Of course I am an extremely caring person (and treated her the best she has ever been) - but there must be a balance maintained in a relationship in my view. For her - she thought it was all perfect - but she could not see that I wasnt quite happy because of the dynamics of the relationship and a part of me had become tired by this. Unfortunately although she was a wonderful person - it was not easy to be in a relationship with her because of her past experiences and the way it had affected her - as well as her sensitivities. I felt like she needed to work through some stuff before she was ready - or maybe she just wasnt able to give me love like I need it...

However at the same time - I really care about her and everything on the surface is great - which is very confusing. I just got a sniff in your first post that something similar may be going on...

 

I know he says he loves and cares about you - but if he is not with you - something real is stopping him. At this moment in time -it sounds like part of him wants to be with you - but another part of him deep down has these reservations. It is an internal conflict that is a difficult one. I doubt he is messing you around at least intentionally - but the problem is - its not fair on you - because you are not suffering from the same sense of ambivalence.

 

I wonder if something similar is going on between you two. Its difficult to tell to be honest - I cold be way off the mark. I hope its not too full-on for me to drop it like this.

 

If that is the case I suggest going NC for a while - and if it REALLY is meant to work out between you guys - in the future it will. But you will prob need to spend some time apart and allow both of you to grow and mature a bit. If you have had some difficult times that are affecting your relationships - you might need to look at that. If its not that bigger deal - then perhaps he is just not the right one for you despite having a wonderful connection...

I know its hard - but you prob will have to let it go for the time being. Forget this 'Im stubborn and he is stubborn' dilemma - its just a smoke screen. NC.

 

This is the place I am with my ex. I am going to try to let her go for now so she can get into a better place - do NC for the break up - and then see how things are in the future. Sometimes two people need to grow a bit to work out what they want/need in a relationship. If its meant to be - it will be. Go and look after yourself - focus on yourself for a while.

 

Your reply did hit home, but at the end of the day, it is the truth. My insecurities pushed him too far, and that is my problem the relationship is like it is. Yes, I need to work on them and I have already started because I want to make a point that my past relationships WILL NOT affect me anymore. I found such a perfect guy, never been treated the way he treated me ever before, and I blew it because I was a bitch. And that hurts more than you'll ever know. Maybe my ex does feel the same as you, or maybe its on the same lines but a little bit different. I know I didn't give him as much as I could have because I was selfish but I know its achievable in the future. Just hope he gets what he wants from his space when i go NC with him.

 

I find it really weird that you're going through the same as my ex, haha. I know every situation is different and you're going NC so that you both can grow before and IF you come back together, but do you have any intentions to at the moment? Or are you feelings getting stronger/weaker every day? Are you starting to realise you actually want to be without her, or want to find another girl?

 

I think to myself, move on because he might never come back. But I know that any guy I come across, I'll just be comparing to him. And I know likewise my ex boyfriend will do the same! I'm just worried that this is over for good, because I want the bloody chance to fix my mistakes. I'm a perfectionist and I hate leaving things undone, and I'd hate to have to walk away and regret this for the rest of my life!

[jfxxxx]

today was day 1 of NC, and guess what? he texts me :/ this is what i mean by mixed messages. he wants me around, but doesn't want me as in a relationship!

[jfxxxx]

thanks garyrockz, ill try my best to go NC!

[kimmi]

It get better... He will start wondering big time why you do not have time for him when before it was always you waiting ..

[SWAN808]

been offline for a few days...

 

its tough to know but its true he is best left to work out his feelings...as they are obviously mixed...but I think you also need to re-evaluate the relationship. Also consider - if you really do want things to work out between you two - you may have to let him go for a while whilst you feel a bit better about the past. Real healing from the past can take a while however determined you are to change them - its emotional.

If its meant to be - it will be...you will find eachother again...perhaps you could have a very open talk about this stuff with him...that could help