headsashed Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 I went out last night for the 1st time in 6 weeks,i felt pretty good too,i didnt get too drunk either and guess what,i got chatting to a lady and we exchanged numbers. She seemed nice and everything and we got along well until my ex started popping into my head and then i was comparing them both,i couldnt help it and i hated it,why was i doing it? From having a decent night out and having a little confidence boost to my night being ruined by my ex popping into my head and staying there,grrr. It got worse,i broke my phone other day in anger so i couldnt txt her etc,anyway, i brrowed and old crappy phone to get me along as i still need a phone for business reasons. I woke up at 5:30am and i had a txt and 7 missed calls from my ex,i never responded but it kind of set me back a little bit today.Ive still stuck to NC which is good but things like this just set me back.
geegirl Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 It's normal to compare your ex to other women that you meet. You're not far long into your grieving and healing process so don't be so hard on yourself. Granted you have been broken up for awhile but you didn't implement NC, and I mean strict NC until recently. So, all these are normal reactions while you grieve. Don't look at it as a setback, H. The fact that you are not responding is great progress. The fact that you are able to control yourself and set boundaries and keep her at bay is a positive step. SHE is trying to set you back. But YOU are moving forward. Don't put a negative spin on this. Being able to not give in to the temptation of responding to her is a good sign of you wanting to end the cycle and put you first. As for your ex, she is either a mean and destructive person or she has psychological problems. Either way, you dodged a bullet.
thebig-guy Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 (edited) Ive been exactly the same mate. I compare every female i speak to with my ex. Obviously we still see so much we like about our ex's in both appearance and personality. Its remembering the bad things about them and comparing them instead.. I found that my first date was a horrible night for me after my breakup. At times the girl would be talking and i would just glaze over and start thinking "Id rather be here with me ex". Simple and harsh truth is, it will never be the same again with them. I think you just need time to remove the status youve given her and find someone totally different but still unique. We need to remind ourselves that there are MANY MANY more people out there that are much more suitable for us than our ex's. I read a menshealth magazine that said on average it takes a male 5 relationships to find the most suitable partner!!! Man thats alot of heartbreak! Edited October 23, 2011 by thebig-guy
Author headsashed Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 That really is alot of heartbreak,i dont think i want anymore lol,ive only had 2 serious relationships and both times i was dumped and heart broken,i dont want to go another 3 times lol. Ive took the right steps this past week which is good but today im on a proper downer which is strange because last night was pretty good for my self esteem,i think im just along way from healing,ive been alot to blame for this too but what i find strange is that in 6 weeks of breaking up i have only seen her in person about 3 times,thats not alot but yet i still feel as though it was yesterday we broke up. Maybe thats because we both kept contact? Every second of every day she is in my head,even in my dreams,it drives me insane. I just want it to bugger off,sometimes i do wonder if im in her head all the time and if she is hurting,that kind of cheers me up a little bit but why? in 6 weeks shes treated me like dog poo,pulled and pushed me so many times its unreal. Even though ive been NC for about a week,if that but im finding it harder each day and missing her more,is this normal? i know that when i do hear from her i do feel better but i also know thats just a tempory relief. In the end i will be the 1 that comes out on top,im sure of that,no matter how hard this is for me.
thebig-guy Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Trust me it will not get worse from now although it might feel like it sometimes, its all about letting strong feelings decay, we both know that any contact puts you back to square one, even if its just to sort some belongings out, minor things like that can wait for now until youve fully healed. Ive been having the horrible dreams too but they are starting to go. You seem like you have determination because your posting about it on here. Just remember that they will be thinking about us too and trying to cope with it in their own way. This means nothing anymore though we both know that
Author headsashed Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 i do have determination,sometimes i just feel like folding though,but i wont,as soon as i have my weak moments i just get up and do something. Worst thing for me was i know i never did anything wrong really in 2 years,i gave her my world but she chose to break my heart,i did want her back for so long but i never begged her, But it feels like she isnt bothered and thats what hurts the most for me. I bet most dumpees feel the same as me though. Sometimes i do wish she knew how much she has hurt me and what ive gone through but telling her wont achieve anything,well,she may laugh and get an ego boost but thats about it. I suppose its just the reality of this break up thats starting to take effect because im alone most the time now and that still doesnt feel normal because we spent basically everyday together for 2 years. Ive got rid of 99% of her things too,only my clothes and footwear left,she bought me 99% of these so i cant get rid of them or ill be walkin the streets naked lol. I think next week will be hard too because its my birthday on friday and we had plans for this too,and now she is going away that weekend with her friends instead of me which we had planned to do. Then again i may feel much better in a weeks time,who knows.
mike588 Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 I was dumped almost 3 months ago, and have been in N.C. for almost the same time. I had 2 dates since,,, just met for coffee but all I could do was see/compare them to my ex. Needless to say I went home depressed, Sigh!!!
eleanorhurting Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 I started dating after 3 months of my december 2010 breakup and although i no longer compared the person to my ex, i still wore my heartbreak on my sleeve and this was a huge disadvantage to me. I only went on 1 date with this person and they said they didn't want to go out with me anymore after he had been chasing for a whole month! 1 month later (4 months post breakup) I dated my current ex. We were never official but I feel having the heartbreak so fresh just put me out there in ways that were unattractive. I came across as needy and desperate because in the back of my head i was still looking for a replacement for my ex because i didn't want to feel the pain of losing him. I ended up just getting used and allowing it because I was sad and didn't want "another heartbreak on top of another heartbreak". Plus, I took a huge risk because he is a classmate and we have tons of mutual friends. So what do I have now? A huge mess of heartbreak and awkwardness! So this time i am definitely taking my time before i date again. It is hard because in my "adult" life the longest i have been single is 4 months and even then I had someone who "liked" me or who i liked or who i chased. So this is definitely a challenge. Hang in there. It will happen when you're ready!
Author headsashed Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 It got worse for me tonight,she turned up at my house,she basically finished me off grrr,she didnt even like my hair because my female friend had cut it whom my ex has always hated. I dont even know why i let her in,well probably because im not an horrible person but my feeling just shot back,not good,our converstation started off ok then we got talking about our relationship,she was very moody too but kept drilling it into me that she will not even consider trying again,even though i never asked her to try again lol. All she kept saying too was it would never work because we always see each other etc,why is she telling me all this? then she went into her car and i was talking to her but she was nasty and moody again and when i saiddo uwant me to go,she was like ye i do,so why come to mine then be like that? i know i shouldnt have let her in but im not rude,i suppose i deserve some stick now for letting her in,and believe me,i really wannna text her and give her a piece of my mind,but i wont.
Bobby289 Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Wow you defiantly covered everything in my head right now. We get treated like crap and yet still think about them every second. You give an inch out of kindness and they take a mile because they can. Sometimes you have to be an ass even if it isn't your personality. I feel like my ex does the same so I will say something then she will turn it into a reason not to talk because I was rude or something... Hang in there man you are not alone
Kae7s04 Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 your ex sounds like a psychopath... why would she come over to tell you she wouldn't want to date again? I'm sure you've heard this, but it's better she's out of your life. I don't know if it makes it easier to have her leave in a bitchy mood than all sweet. When I last saw my ex before i moved across the country, his last words were, "I can't help but think this has been a mistake." I'm assuming he meant breaking up with me, but that sent me into a whirlwind of doubt and despair and I still question it, replaying our breakup over and over. But yeah, if we ever get back with our exes, there will always be that hurt there, and things wouldn't be the same. Why do we put our exes on a pedestal???? I hate that! They are only one person in a world of 7 billion! Stupid brain...
Author headsashed Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 shes horrible pal,comes to my house,acts normal then rubs it in my face that we aint getting back together while knowing im hurting something rotten,i did get angry at the end too which i just had to walk off before i said something nasty,now i feel like im back to sqaure 1 just for not being ignorent and leaving her in the cold grrr.
Bobby289 Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 We all think of what we should have done or said, but at the same time that is the person we are and our real emotions instead of an act. Your ex sounds like she just wants to break you, sad to say. Some people are like that, hard to think how someone can be so different after a breakup. You are not back at square one you have realized a lot since the initial spit, just anther thing to learn from...
Author headsashed Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 Infact i forgot to mention,when she was in the car ripping the rest of me apart i asked her why she came to mine,she said its because id ask to see her,hmmm,that was weeks ago,she even made herself comfy on my sofa for like 2 hours,had the cheek to say my hair is crap,asked if that girl from last night had been txting me,then telling me that guy whom she slept with took her car for fixing,theres nothing like kicking a man while hes down huh. lol
Bobby289 Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Why do we put our exes on a pedestal???? I hate that! They are only one person in a world of 7 billion! Stupid brain... So true, we were fine before them but feels like so much of a loss after..
Kae7s04 Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 So true, we were fine before them but feels like so much of a loss after.. makes me question the "it's better to have loved and lost" quote. Right now at least, the pain that I am feeling doesn't compare to the pain of being single before I met him.
Bobby289 Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Screw that... Some people have so much nerve. I am a nice guy but to an extent, that would make me have so much resentment I'd never want anything to do with her again. Insult your hair id insult her values and self respect... lol thats just me though. You will still think about her but not in a positive way.
Author headsashed Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 makes me wonder why we should love people just to get hurt? i gave this girl my all just to get broken for doing so,you try your bet to make someone happy yet they chuck it back at you and rip your world apart. I might be hurting now but ill win in the end,shes turned into this horrible person and it will come back and haunt her just like she hurt me now. Its about time i stopped wearing my heart on my sleeve and MAN UP,She doesnt deserve the satisfaction of knowing she ripped a 31 year old apart,btw im angry tonight lol.
Bobby289 Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 makes me question the "it's better to have loved and lost" quote. Right now at least, the pain that I am feeling doesn't compare to the pain of being single before I met him. Yeah being single vs heartbroken does not even compare.
Bobby289 Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 One day it will eventually catch up to her. We all want to prove we don't care what happened but its never that easy to actually do when the moment arises. I talked with my ex 2 weeks after the break up with the intent of not showing emotions and just acting like life was fine... I broke down half way though the conversation and drove home feeling like crap. I wear my heart on my sleeve too and working on moving it back into my chest lol
Author headsashed Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 ive always wore my heart on my sleeve,just like ive always been honest with her about my feelings. I didnt get emotional when i saw her tonight,luckily,but i could feel the tears and anger building up towards the end and thats when i had to go. I hope it does catch up with her in the end too,because she deserves it or how she has made me feel these past 6 weeks,i wouldnt have said that 3 months ago cos she was amazing,funny how quickly people can change when they get new friends isnt it,its time to turn the tables now and show her that i aint bothered anymore and she cannot hurt me,dunno how but i have to. Ive only just picked up my eating again the past few days too and tonight i was about to cook as i was alot hungry,then she turned up,now i feel sick grrr,who wants love huh,not me anymore grrr
Kae7s04 Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 But please don't put that heart away for good, otherwise you'll just end up being like my ex, who didn't put anything into the relationship and hurt me so badly. But yeah, I'm starting to question this relationship thing, I don't know if I can go through this again.
Author headsashed Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 ill put my heart away until im over this wench,still cant believe i let her in,my own fault,not hurting as bad as i thought though so maybe thats a good sign
Chi townD Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 See, this is why I knew it was gonna be tough for you, because you live sooo close to her. Personally, I would have never let her in and the first time she said, "We'll never get back together." I would have been, "Well thanks for stopping by! Get the hell out!" Good on you for not texting her again. You're showing some progress. However, she's going to contact you again because she now knows she can. And she knows she can still push your buttons. Ignore her.
Author headsashed Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 I shouldnt have let her in and yes i should have kicked her out when she said we wasnt getting back together,even though i never mentioned anything about getting back together. She did say 1 thing to me that made me chuckle abit,she said i know what u mean now about karma.. Weeks ago when we 1st split up i told her karma will come back. She has txt me today and told me she wants to get back to her old self,i never replied to her either,im not biting,But maybe she is realising now that the person she has turned into isnt that good anymore and the grass isnt greener,see if this is true then im yet another step ahead of her in the recovery. Living so close is hard at times but i havent seen her much lately,luckily anyway,i think she needs telling properly now,leave me alone because we cannot and will never be friends,well maybe in 20 years time haha.
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