PlumPrincess Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 I was wondering why many people who are on online dating sites seem to be so reluctant to meet immediately and instead want to exchange messages and chat. I never found the guys to be as I had imagined them from their messages and it was always somewhat disappointing. I'd rather save myself time and meet them right away. And by the way, it's easier to lie online than in person, so that's another good reason to meet as soon as possible.
zengirl Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Depends what you mean by "right away." I might have enough interest to exchange messages, but I'm pretty much never going to have enough interest from a dating profile to meet right away; I want at least a few messages back and forth, some getting to know each other, etc, or else I'd never give the guy a chance when we did meet and it wouldn't go anywhere. Also, for safety's sake, I want some kind of screening process, and exchanging messages for a few weeks helps with that (it's not enough on it's own, obviously). It also gives me things to talk about on the date. I've found that all the guys I've screened through messages and then actually met pretty much turn out to be the kind of guys I thought they were. The only thing up in the air and indeterminable at ALL, really, is chemistry, which is always hit or miss. But, at worst, most of the guys I've met had no chemistry and were still, at least, interesting to talk to and compatible in some ways that made the meet friendly and not absolutely awful. Granted, I don't like to go months without meeting someone from a site; I did that once, sure, but it was because I was on another continent and moving somewhere new and set up a site for that.
CarrieT Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 I was wondering why many people who are on online dating sites seem to be so reluctant to meet immediately and instead want to exchange messages and chat. Because a lot of them are married and just want the online thrill of a connection. They start by playing around with no intention of ever meeting but for some, it turns into affairs. I'm serious...
thatone Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 my sister in law told me a fairly shocking thing last time i saw her and my brother. she said they went back and forth in emails and phone calls for 4 months before she agreed to meet him. only after he refused to talk to her anymore without meeting did she relent and agree to meet him in person. and even then she refused to tell him where she lived, and insisted on meeting him in another town. that's borderline paranoid delusion in my mind, but whatever.
grkBoy Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 I was wondering why many people who are on online dating sites seem to be so reluctant to meet immediately and instead want to exchange messages and chat. I never found the guys to be as I had imagined them from their messages and it was always somewhat disappointing. I'd rather save myself time and meet them right away. And by the way, it's easier to lie online than in person, so that's another good reason to meet as soon as possible. You're one of the few then who do see a dating site as simply as a means to make connections, but want the actual "chemistry" and deeper "getting to know" to happen in dating. Unfortunately many more are just too guarded. They want to be able to anonymously look at a profile, see photos, stats, and read the description, and instantly "feel something". I agree with CarrieT on the married folk and even single folk who only sign up to get attention, but I also think many more simply just want to find a way to get rid of RISK. I still remember when a girl was telling myself and a group about a guy she sees on the bus every day she thought was cute. Some asked why doesn't she say hi. I simply asked if she tries to make eye contact and smile. She said she does none of that. She just wished he would come over, take on the full risk, tell her she's beautiful, and ask her out. Is it any wonder why she's STILL SINGLE? (this chat was over a year ago) I like your approach, and I wish more women had taken your approach back when I tried online dating. I probably would have had a more positive opinion of it all. I never minded if a girl and I go on 1-2 dates and then she tells me she's not feeling anything. I more hated all the "read-delete" or "unread-delete" responses you see in the inbox, even from women (as irc333 loves to point out) who have been sitting on that site for over a year trying to find an adonis who will never come.
carhill Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 The longest I've waited to meet someone was about three months but that was due to the logistics of flying 6500 miles and arranging an apartment back in the days before the internet was commonly available. Otherwise, both in the past and present, meets happen as soon as schedules match up, generally one to two weeks, if there's mutual interest. Some people never really want to meet and would rather live a 'fantasy' away from having to press flesh and actually deal with a person. That's OK, but not my style. Ran into a few of those, mainly back when 'phone' dating was popular before the internet. Those experiences now make for funny anecdotes of history. It's all part of life. Also, some people are married so pressing flesh with someone else can be 'inconvenient'. MW's liked the interaction but personal meetings brought it into the 'affair box' and they didn't want to do that so kept it virtual. Many reasons. IMO, if one is healthy, available and interested, it will happen quickly, as quickly as logistics can be handled. If other, other.
Author PlumPrincess Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 You're one of the few then who do see a dating site as simply as a means to make connections, but want the actual "chemistry" and deeper "getting to know" to happen in dating. I'm too shy and insecure to approach people in the street and every time I asked a guy in real life out, they turned me down... And single events strike me as desperate. I thought online dating is desperate, too, but hey, you can read profiles, so you get much faster information about people and you know that people are single and open for a relationship (ok, maybe not everybody, but you know what I mean). And so far, no guy has turned me down when I asked him (even though it didn't always work out). I confess, I tend to prefer online shopping (clothes, books, etc) to crowded shops. It can be so convenient. No wonder I'm going online shopping for men, too...
Author PlumPrincess Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 my sister in law told me a fairly shocking thing last time i saw her and my brother. she said they went back and forth in emails and phone calls for 4 months before she agreed to meet him. only after he refused to talk to her anymore without meeting did she relent and agree to meet him in person. and even then she refused to tell him where she lived, and insisted on meeting him in another town. that's borderline paranoid delusion in my mind, but whatever. Can I ask where she lives? I'm just curious. Maybe it's more dangerous where she lives?
PhillyDude Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 I was wondering why many people who are on online dating sites seem to be so reluctant to meet immediately and instead want to exchange messages and chat. I never found the guys to be as I had imagined them from their messages and it was always somewhat disappointing. I'd rather save myself time and meet them right away. And by the way, it's easier to lie online than in person, so that's another good reason to meet as soon as possible. You have to speak on the phone first for a week or so to get a feel for the person.
FitChick Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 With the high cost of gas, gridlocked traffic, the time spent fixing myself up to look good for a stranger only to be disappointed and having to make small talk for as short a period of time as possible but long enough not be be rude -- I'd rather "edit" which men are worth my time and effort. I suppose if I lived in NYC it would be easier since I could just hop on the subway.
Author PlumPrincess Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 You have to speak on the phone first for a week or so to get a feel for the person. But don't you get a better feel when you meet the person? I mean, what do you lose when you meet someone? One, maybe two hours of your life. And I contact people when I'm sitting at home and am bored anyway. If I go out, I get some entertainment and meet someone who might be interested in a relationship.
Author PlumPrincess Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 (edited) With the high cost of gas, gridlocked traffic, the time spent fixing myself up to look good for a stranger only to be disappointed and having to make small talk for as short a period of time as possible but long enough not be be rude -- I'd rather "edit" which men are worth my time and effort. I suppose if I lived in NYC it would be easier since I could just hop on the subway. Ok, I tend to arrange meetings in places that are within walking distance or like 15-20 minutes away with my bike. And I see no point in dressing up too much for a first meeting. And I'd rather not have the guy dress up as well. I really prefer to keep things casual and expectations low. Edited October 23, 2011 by PlumPrincess
PhillyDude Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 But don't you get a better feel when you meet the person? I mean, what do you lose when you meet someone? One, maybe two hours of your life. And I contact people when I'm sitting at home and am bored anyway. If I go out, I get some entertainment and meet someone who might be interested in a relationship. Maybe because I'm not 19 anymore and have a career and things to do during the week and have to plan a meeting face to face. If i start talking to someone tonight and the conversation goes well I'm not meeting tomorrow. It will be the following friday or saturday.
PhillyDude Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Ok, I tend to arrange meetings in places that are within walking distance or like 15-20 minutes away with my bike. And I see no point in dressing up too much for a first meeting. And I'd rather not have the guy dress up as well. I really prefer to keep things casual and expectations low. I'm not sure i understand what you mean. When you meet someone for the first time you always look "presentable". And no one dresses all the way up for a date, it's always supposed to be causal
Author PlumPrincess Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 I'm not sure i understand what you mean. When you meet someone for the first time you always look "presentable". And no one dresses all the way up for a date, it's always supposed to be causal Then what does "fixing myself up to look good" mean?
PhillyDude Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Then what does "fixing myself up to look good" mean? Making sure your hair looks nice Making sure you smell good Making sure your clothes are not wrinkled Making sure your shoes are not dirty or worn out
Author PlumPrincess Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 Making sure your hair looks nice Making sure you smell good Making sure your clothes are not wrinkled Making sure your shoes are not dirty or worn out Ok, that's the regular stuff then. Kind of interesting what people answered so far.
thatone Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Can I ask where she lives? I'm just curious. Maybe it's more dangerous where she lives? new orleans. not really any more or less dangerous than any other city
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