emberlynn Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 So I was in a year and a half relationship (almost to the day) with my bf. He was my first love and serious relationship and everything. I was really happy at the beginning, even though at the very very beginning I was unsure of the marriage material. However after the "honeymoon" phase set in we started fighting a bit more, nothing serious but like what to watch on tv, It was hard to get him to talk at times as well as to pick something for us to do in general. I started to get unhappy I think in the relationship as I think I started to put up guards as I got scared of the idea of marrying him and the future that that would entail. I was also asking him to change things for me to make our relationship work but kind of refusing to do it myself. Part of me didn't think he was worth it apparently. I've been really unhappy lately (it could also just be depression idk) but we've come close to breaking up four or five times now since december of last year but I've never been able to do it until this tuesday. I've always felt bad and didn't like the idea of breaking up, plus he was a really great guy. I also do love him a lot, but I'm still debating the "in love" with him/ if I really want to marry him. I keep on flipping back and forth in my head on whether to continue this break up or not this time. I have finally come to a point where I may be willing to change my idea of the future, not to an unhealthy level, but reasonably. (for example having me be the older "breadwinner" of the family and not having my husband be as much of a workaholic as I am). I can't go back with him though unless I am 1000% sure that I would be happy marrying him. (marriage isn't in near future, but has been discussed several times over the year and a half). I don't know what to do...or how to decide even. At times I feel like I would be happier single, but he is currently my only friend that I actually like. He is my best and truest friend I have ever had and I know he would never ever do anything to hurt me. He also loves me just the way I am, no matter how I am and would do almost anything for me and supports me in almost anything I do (he hates it when I have a glass of alcohol sometimes, but he doesn't begrudge me for it). I just don't know if there would be someone else this great out there for me, to a point where maybe he is the one for me? I broke up with him mainly because I didn't know if I could marry him and be happy for the rest of my life (I want to do my best to avoid divorce in the future), on the other hand sometimes I can.... Help? (sorry for the length...i tried to space it out at least)
dontstopbelieving Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 So I was in a year and a half relationship (almost to the day) with my bf. He was my first love and serious relationship and everything. I was really happy at the beginning, even though at the very very beginning I was unsure of the marriage material. However after the "honeymoon" phase set in we started fighting a bit more, nothing serious but like what to watch on tv, It was hard to get him to talk at times as well as to pick something for us to do in general. I started to get unhappy I think in the relationship as I think I started to put up guards as I got scared of the idea of marrying him and the future that that would entail. I was also asking him to change things for me to make our relationship work but kind of refusing to do it myself. Part of me didn't think he was worth it apparently. I've been really unhappy lately (it could also just be depression idk) but we've come close to breaking up four or five times now since december of last year but I've never been able to do it until this tuesday. I've always felt bad and didn't like the idea of breaking up, plus he was a really great guy. I also do love him a lot, but I'm still debating the "in love" with him/ if I really want to marry him. I keep on flipping back and forth in my head on whether to continue this break up or not this time. I have finally come to a point where I may be willing to change my idea of the future, not to an unhealthy level, but reasonably. (for example having me be the older "breadwinner" of the family and not having my husband be as much of a workaholic as I am). I can't go back with him though unless I am 1000% sure that I would be happy marrying him. (marriage isn't in near future, but has been discussed several times over the year and a half). I don't know what to do...or how to decide even. At times I feel like I would be happier single, but he is currently my only friend that I actually like. He is my best and truest friend I have ever had and I know he would never ever do anything to hurt me. He also loves me just the way I am, no matter how I am and would do almost anything for me and supports me in almost anything I do (he hates it when I have a glass of alcohol sometimes, but he doesn't begrudge me for it). I just don't know if there would be someone else this great out there for me, to a point where maybe he is the one for me? I broke up with him mainly because I didn't know if I could marry him and be happy for the rest of my life (I want to do my best to avoid divorce in the future), on the other hand sometimes I can.... Help? (sorry for the length...i tried to space it out at least) I've been in your situation before. The guy I was dating at the time was in love with me, which he made it very clear. I loved him too, he was my bestfriend, my problem solver, and my first love. We were together for 3 years. I loved him but when the question of marriage of actually came up, I was unsure as well. Now at that time I was fresh out of college and still decided where I wanted my life and career to head, very confusing time. To cut to the chase...all along I always felt like he wasn't the one I wanted to marry but since he was such a great person and I loved him that maybe I would feel different in the future about marriage. We got engaged and this is going to make me sound like a terrible person but I woke up one day I realized I couldn't go with it any further. I ended up breaking things off with him because I realized he just wasn't the one plus a level of respect between me and him was broken due to our arguments. The arguments were pretty bad, but I knew part of that came from the hurt I caused. Point of the story is, if you already of gut feelings that he may not be the one... let it go. Someone else may appreciate him more and you may find someone else more compatible to you. Either you are scared of the unknown or you are just feeling like he's not the one. Listen to your gut instincts, they're pretty dead on.
KathyM Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Sounds like you're not ready to marry anyone, or at least not this guy. When you are ready to get married, you will know it and you will not have any reservations about marrying the guy. I would say that this guy is probably not the one if you have these reservations.
Author emberlynn Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 @KathyM I agree that I am not ready to marry anyone yet, and I have/had no intention of doing so anytime soon. Doesn't everyone have some reservations? or something? I mean don't couples have to compromise on things, everything can't be perfect always can they? @don'tstopbelieving I don't know what I think. I think I am most afraid of the unknown to be honest. I think I have been dwelling on the negative for months now, and not realizing or embracing the many positives of our relationship/him. I think a large part of me wants him to be the one, I've always wanted to marry relatively young (both my parents and grandparents have married in their late twenties but I've always hope to be in early 20's....) and having my entire life planned out relaxes and comforts me. I think I was afraid of the negatives and what they could turn into 10 years from now (me potentially having to break up with him/ = heartbreak). I think I have also been putting up a guard for this as well...just because the future is uncertain. At one time in our relationship I thought it was the 100% commitment (ie engagement or marriage/ a ring on my finger) that I was lacking... but I had that (or as close as I could get) from him so I don't know what the problem was. Even now as I attempt to completely sever ties I find myself unable to do it. I am so afraid that if I say we are completely over ( not ever coming back/move on with you life over) that I will regret it ( as I have been flip-flopping for months now) someday and want to come back and be rejected. Another part of me thinks that I subconsciously want that to happen. Thank you for replying, I greatly appreciate it. In losing my relationship I also lost my only person who actually cares for me and is willing to help me through anything. I think that fact is hurting me almost more than the break up itself. (I do have one or two friends and my family, but they live out of state and I haven't been able to bear the thought of telling them yet...I am not really close to any of them either....) thanks again..
citrusdrop1688 Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Him being your only friend is not a good reason to continue the relationship. And it seems very clear from what you wrote that you dont seem to think hes good enough for you. Although as a side note, two workaholics in a relationship sounds like a recipe for disaster. You should probably leave him alone, or your just going to end up hurting him worse in the end. If anything take some time to decide if you really want to be with him, and if you can accept these things that clearly deeply matter to you. If you continue the relationship with doubt like that you will just cause distress in the relationship.
Author emberlynn Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 @cirtrusdrop I agree that him my only friend is not a good enough reason, its just is what is making this break up really really hard. (i agree that two workaholics is a recipe for disaster...but he barely meets the middle for work ethic...he literally strives to be normal and underachieving...he has the ability and intelligence level to be smart and high achieving, but he doesn't want that at all so he aims for the middle or lower....) I am planning on leaving him alone, at least until I can figure out what I want. I cannot let myself go back into the relationship without knowing 1000% that he is the only one that I want and that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I know if I go back with him without knowing for sure that I can it would be more of the same and just lead to more heartbreak. The problem is figuring this all out as I do in fact love him a lot more than I may let on.... Thanks
HappyFlower Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Thats a tough call. Tho if I were in your situation, as hard as it will be, you need to go NC for a while. NC will help you both. You need time to think about exactly what you want, but he also needs time to come to terms with the fact that you have such major doubts. At the end of the day, it will be his decision if he takes you back again at a later date. I know its really scary - I tried to break it off with my last ex twice because he'd been lying to me for months and I couldn't do it because I was afraid of everything you said. In the end he did it anyway, and I kind of wish I'd have been strong enough to do it myself, but this was the first relationship I truely cared about, we'd talked marriage etc. So I absolutly know how you feel, but look at it this way: If you stay as you are now, nothing will change and you will still have doubts and ultimatly probably end up miserable or hurt. If you leave, go NC and clear your head, think about what you really want...hard. If you decide it is him and you want to contact him again and tell him so then great! But remember that it will be up to him to take you back, don't pressure him
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