katie1986 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Sometimes the world just seems so unfair. Those who know me think I have the world going for me. I’m in the process of earning a doctoral degree and at the top of my class, I have a group of great friends and parents, I’m reasonably attractive, and I can get along well with almost anyone. I’ve had people tell me I’m one of the nicest people they’ve ever met, yet I also have a lot of spunk and a sarcastic sense of humor. People think I’m this happy go-lucky girl with the world at her fingertips. But the truth is I feel empty. There is no better feeling in the world to me than being in love. Yet that is the one thing that I can’t seem to have. Ever since my ex of 5 years broke up with me 1 ½ years ago, I’ve just had my heart broken over and over again. I don’t fall for just anyone… but when I do fall I seem to fall hard. And it’s not like I act clingy and push them away. For instance, there was one guy I recently dated who absolutely broke my heart. 4 months together and I never pushed a “what are we?” conversation. The time we spent together was initiated by us pretty much 50/50. But despite me keeping my cool, I absolutely fell in love with him, and his feelings for me just didn’t develop. Then sometimes I just put myself in bad situations. I ended up making out with a friend/acquaintance I’d known for a couple years and always had a crush on… knowing that he had just gotten out of a 2-year relationship, and knowing it was a bad idea because of that. Yet when he asked me on a date and we hung out a lot those next couple weeks, I let my heart get involved. Then it crashed and burned once he realized he was nowhere near ready to jump into another relationship again. My heart crushed once again. I’m just frustrated. I don’t care about materialistic things like many people do. Many of my friends care about things like having a guy pay for them, how big their engagement ring will be one day, etc. None of that matters to me. I just want to find that guy that makes my heart skip a beat and wants to curl up with me when we fall asleep. Sometimes I feel pathetic… why can’t I just feel happy alone? Why is it that without a guy in my life I feel like there is nothing to look forward to? Everyone sees me as this strong, intelligent, and capable woman, yet I feel like a desperate and pathetic fool who wears her heart on her sleeve…
SJC2008 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Your are not alone. Many men and women (the majority IMO) "can't be alone". It blows my mind how when many people brake up they are hooked up so fast (not saying you did that). My former roommate got dumped and his chick was hooked up about a week later and got back with my roommate when she got dumped and told him "I'll give you another chance" lol! I don't feel empty without a girlfriend or lonely but I would like to meet "the one" before I get too old. Just boils down to human nature.
MaxNoob Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 There is no better feeling in the world to me than being in love. Yet that is the one thing that I can’t seem to have. I know what you mean. There's a definition of hopeless romantic on urban dictionary which is right on the money: Hopeless Romantics are NOT Hopeless per-say, but very true, caring, and loving people. They are "NOT MADE FOR TODAYS STANDARDS", sadly. They believe in passion, chivalry, and true love. They have loved sincerely at one point in their life, discovered what love feels like, and can't understand why it was not returned in the same form. Hopeless Romantics are usually dreamers, idealists, and sincere, however what they expect in any relationship is a full return for their effort and caring, to be loved as much as they loved. What makes them "Hopeless" is the fact that they are few and far between in todays daily life, and usually get let down in the long run, even though they gave all they had to give, money, love, time, housing, belongings. Hopeless Romantics give 100% ALL the time, and hope for the same in return.
Sanman Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 There is nothing wrong with wanting a partner. However, my mind goes to two things: First, when I was in school, life was chaotic and focused around school. Sustaining an established relationship was difficult enough for some people. Is it possible that your schedule is getting in the way of a new relationship? My second thought is that you are not picking the best guys. It sounds like you may fall in love without qualifying the guy. Perhaps, recognize you fall for the guy fast and trust good friends to give you an objective opinion? Also, lay of the sex initially if you have not been doing so.
lymtal1 Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 katie, oh my gosh you just stated my story and how i feel about my life. i can relate like you can not believe. i can't say that your post makes me feel better but i am glad that i have someone out there that knows how i feel. i'm not going to tell you everyrthing is going to be ok because they are just words. here is what i do know. you i know are a great person. you do so much for others and you are who many of us guys are really looking to find. what that means as has been told to you is that you just have not found the right guy yet. and yes life is not fair. but you stated it yourself. others think you have the world going for you. you actually do. because we have been unlucky in love does not mean that it will not happen. it will when we understand what and who we should be looking for. it is our responsibility to weed out the bad ones and focus on the good ones. i know you may not want to believe that you have been falling for the wrong guy but actually you are. given the circumstances that you mention, these guys are not the right ones for you for many reasons. and given what you stated; that you don't like being alone and being without a guy in your life, you are in esssence settling because of those exact reasons. this drives your unhappiness. first refocus on you and know that you more than likely have your act more together than most, and you should be proud of this. if everyone sees you as a strong, intelligent and capable woman, there is about a 99.99999% chance this is exactly who you are. do not let your so called and self defined "failure" in love shape your opinion of you. i would agree that being able to be alone and not with someone is about being ok with yourself. you may not be there yet. you have to be ok with youself before you can convince someone to really really love you. work on being ok with you and then it won't matter if you are with someone. i would give anything to find someone like you. there are so many guys that would like to find someone like you. trust that you will find the right person. go like yourself first and hold on. good luck and know that you are great.
thatone Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 there are a lot of men in your situation as well. those of us who worked hard through our 20s to get money or status or whatever professional success we wanted, then woke up one day around 30-35 and realized that we weren't happy with what we got, and we have to figure out why. and the why is that money or power or freedom or whatever else is pretty worthless if you're just doing it to amuse yourself. so since we're the same person, what's your phone number? (that make you feel better? )
AHardDaysNight Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 I can really identify with this. I have never found love, and I tend to be a bit of a dreamer. If I somehow found that special girl, I would settle down. But this hasn't happened yet.
grkBoy Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Katie, this is life. Your story is similar to most of everyone's here. Find that inner happiness, and hopefully the right guy will come.
Author katie1986 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 Thank you for the kind words and those who can identify with how I've been feeling. Lymtal- you almost made me cry lol. Maxnoob- Wow that was a perfect description of me... My second thought is that you are not picking the best guys. It sounds like you may fall in love without qualifying the guy. Perhaps, recognize you fall for the guy fast and trust good friends to give you an objective opinion? I know it might sound like I’m falling for the wrong guys, but I don’t think it’s a case of bad judgment… maybe I’m just unlucky? I really do believe I have good intuition about the type of person someone is. And all the guys I’ve dated have been legitimately good guys. The guy I dated for a few months I met online. This was after meeting around 20 other guys who were either incompatible or I felt absolutely no chemistry with. This guy was wonderful and we clicked instantly. He was kind, intelligent, funny, and down-to-earth. He was exactly the type of person I want to be with. The only thing wrong with him was he didn’t feel that spark with me, though I had no idea of this up until he ended things. His actions and affection seemed to show he was quite into me. I felt pretty blind-sided when he ended things because his feelings towards me were more of just being friends. As for the guy who I was friends with beforehand, he is a great guy as well. In fact our mutual friends had been saying we should get together, even during the time he had a girlfriend. However with him just getting out of a relationship a month prior, it was obviously bad timing. I should have been smarter about it and not let anything happen, but when it’s someone you’ve always had a thing for it’s hard to be rational. I worry because we could have had a lot of potential, and I'd love to give things a shot with him again in the future when he is ready to date again, but I don't know if that's been ruined by our short fling. I hate feeling this way, and I want that inner peace that is content with just being alone. Some days I feel like I have so much to give, and the guys who have hurt me are idiots for not realizing it. Then other days I feel like there must be something wrong with me, because it seems like things work out for everyone but me when it comes to relationships. I guess I'll just have to have faith that things will turn around eventually.
Kamille Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 I used to believe, like you, that it was important to "play it cool" when entering a relationship. I would make sure to not put pressure, not ask questions, not tell him I was getting attached and wanted a relationship. Then I realized that made absolutely no sense. The men one attracts when they put the focus on playing it cool are men who aren't interested in a commitment anyway. It also makes no sense to develop attachment and feelings if you don't know whether or not the guy is matching the evolution himself. So, last time I was dating, here is what I would do. I would tell my date I was looking for a relationship and enjoying dating in the meantime. The guys who didn't want a relationship excused themselves. Those who were interested started showing up. So, change how you approach dating. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want.
thatone Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 i agree completely. even if you rule people out quicker, you don't wind up stuck with people who you don't want, for lack of a better description. all of these "no pressure", "don't say this or that", "don't ask questions", "just be casual" trends are bullsh*t. you won't find what you're looking for if you can't even say it.
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