broken0 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 I am sitting here, pondering, 2 months about finding out about my H's affair if I could have handled things differently. I realized that my initial reaction to his affair made me so vulnerable and wonders what will happened had I not wake him up in the middle of the night, shouting at him after discovering his text messages to the OW. I have been reading this board for the past few days and almost every H, if not all, when confronted with evidence of the affair would be extremely defensive and deny it flat out. I hope that we could share what we did and how we handled things when we finally found out and what is the best way to deal with such situation or what not to do. For me, the very first thing I regretted doing was to force him to admit to his cheating, in which he then went ahead to cover one lie with another. I also regretted trying to get full disclosure, forcing him to tell me EVERYTHING. I think it takes time for things to be disclosed and asking him outright to confess only makes matters worse.
Author broken0 Posted October 22, 2011 Author Posted October 22, 2011 Why do you regret forcing him to admit it and why do you wish he hadn't told you everything? Why should you have given him more time and how did it make it worse? I regretted it because when I confronted him about it, I didn't give myself time to think and to calm myself. I was hysterical, I was in a total mess. He left his phone on the dining table (he usually charge his phone in bedroom). I wasn't even thinking of snooping but somehow, that night, it just dawned upon me to look. I think it's all instinct because I do feel that something is not right for sometime. When I finally saw the text messages, I launch a full on attack. I ran upstairs to our bedroom, woke him up angrily and threw the phone at him. He found out that I found out and the first thing he said was, it's nothing, just playing around, it means nothing. He told me its just some girl he met online, they were flirting, they have never met face to face, lies, lies, lies and more lies to cover up. Only later did I find out that the girl is a co-worker and his affair has been going on for at least a year. So, I just thought that had I composed myself that night, think about what I should do, hint to him that I found out, he might or might not come clean. I don't know ... I am just so confused if I did the right thing confronting him like that. I read in other posts that if one found out, it is best not to act the way I did. That's why I am asking now.
Cristian Luca Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 You done the right thing. You were entitled to act this way. He cheated on you, what you expect, to hug him and kiss him? And calm yourself before you talk to him? Dear, this is not like he refused to take out the trash. He put his penis inside the vagina of another woman. That's HUGE. So , Yeah. Some yelling was more than appropriate.
unodos1011 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 I went about it the same way you did, middle of the night and all. Later, I wished that I had kept my cool and confronted him and the OW together. She was a friend and lived right across the street and I would love to have seen how they both reacted if they had to look me in the face. Instead, my husband had drunkenly fallen asleep, I found the messages and immediately went to her house like a lunatic. I knew he HAD to deal with me eventually so all I could think about in the moment was confronting her, to this day she avoids me at all costs. Even through texts all she said was that she wanted to move forward and work on her own marriage, only for me to find out that she was doing everything she could to make contact with my H. I mostly concern myself with how I acted in the days following. I kept questioning and questioning, I felt like I wasn't getting the whole truth. When I found out the second time that they were continuing the A, the whole truth came about and it was awful. We're trying to recover but sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had just made him leave.
aloneinnyc Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 If it makes you feel any better, I tried the calm approach and it worked no better. I also got only lies. I asked my H one night if anything was wrong with our marriage because I wanted him to be honest with me because then we could work things out. He asked me why I was asking and I told him the truth -- I had become suspicious after having a vivid dream of him with his co-worker. I told him I didn't want to snoop, I wanted us to be honest with each other. He proceeded to tell me nothing was wrong, promised me he was great, we were great, etc. Three days later, I find a note he wrote to himself about how he needed to end his affair with the OW because he was worried about getting caught. That time, I called him immediately after finding the note and asked him what the hell is this? He ran home, and he still denied it was anything physical. Just bad thoughts, he said, and inappropriate conversations wit her. I kicked him out of the house that night. Finally, two days later, when he realized I didn't believe him and I'd never take him back with all the lies, he finally told me they had made out 4 times. So, I think this shows that the WH will lie, lie, lie no matter how you confront them unless they think it's no longer in their interest to keep lying. It's not about how you ask them; it's about whether they feel they can keep lying and not get caught. You didn't do anything wrong, and I'm confident if you tried a different approach, it wouldn't have mattered. This is all on your WH, not you. It's part of the hell of the A that the BS feels like if they had only done X or Y differently, maybe things would have been better. And that includes the confrontation. (Believe me, I've replayed mine in my head, too, and wondered if I should have had that first conversation in a different way.) But I'm finally learning that the BS isn't in control of any of it, including how the truth comes out. It's all on the WH. And yours, like mine, is a liar.
Spark1111 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 How to save your sanity: Tell him to move out as he has lied to you too many times and you no longer trust him or are sure you wish to be married to him anymore. Expose the affair to trusted friends and or family. You are going to need support through this. Confront the OW? Your choice. I needed her to know I knew of her and did not approve at all. I told her I would never seek revenge.....unless. Demand total transparency from him, if he wishes to remain married to you: All email and cell phone passwords and complete access to check up on him at any time in an effort to restore trust in him again, including surprising him at work and going out to lunch together. Individual Counseling for him to figure out how and why he could do that; for you to talk, vent, and heal from his betrayal. Eventually, Marriage Counseling (find a good one) to help you both cope with the fallout from the affair. And it is damn hard! Do you love him? I hope so if you choose to stay married to him. Good luck to you.
Decimated Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 I am sitting here, pondering, 2 months about finding out about my H's affair if I could have handled things differently. I realized that my initial reaction to his affair made me so vulnerable and wonders what will happened had I not wake him up in the middle of the night, shouting at him after discovering his text messages to the OW. I tried the calm approach with my wife and it made no difference. I even waited until I had evidence of their affair...she still lied through her teeth. 10 months later and I still don't know the whole story...and possibly never will. Success has a lot to do with the person you are dealing with, remorse for their actions as well as how much they value your marriage.
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