My worlds just fallen apart.

[skotbites]

My dream girl and partner of 4 years broke up with me last Thursday (13th).

 

A little background - She's a secondary school teacher who works very hard, we do not live together and I have a son from a previous relationship.

 

Most of the time I saw her just at weekends, and during the school holidays everything was perfect of so I thought. We had talked about moving in together in May and this did not happen due to my own stuppidity. I was basically scared.

 

I got over that and as far as I was aware up to a couple a couple of weeks ago we were actively looking to live together I'd had my home valued and spruced up a bit ready to sell and she was to do the same. I was happy. I'd not been contacting visa txt or phone as much during the week as I knew she was busy with schoolwork and I'd been doing the house.

 

Out of nowhere she breaks up with me. To be honest I can't remember how much of that conversation went I was too upset. Things like 'we're perfect for each other but life gets in the way' her saying she'd been up in her head due to my lack of contact and thought I was distancing myself for a breakup so she got in a mess and broke up with me 1st.

 

She's asked for space, yet we've been in touch more this last week than in a 'normal' week. I was ready to commit my life to this girl forever.

 

I saw her Monday night and we spent 5 hours talking, I''d written some things down over the weekend to make sure I got my feelings out there and did not get too upset to tell her. She was receptive to my words and I thought things were going well. Then came a bombshell. She can't get over that I have a son and that he will always need to be taken into account.

 

This has never ever been mentioned previously, they get on great when he is round and we have always done things together as a family.

 

So yes we can't move a hundred miles away, she loved the school she teaches in and I love my job so where ever we lived would need to be close enough to our jobs and in turn this is close enough to my son.

 

I think she's depressed due to overworking, she's put weight on the last 12 months and it doesn't bother me but it bothers her, she won't talk about it but is always planning to do something about it but never does.

 

Yes we had problems, little ones, taking each other for granted now and then, being tied to a routine as such due to her job. But I never thought for a second that we would not overcome these things.

 

I see my son every Wednesday after school and then every weekend, mostly the weekend is Friday night to Saturday afternoon or Saturday lunch to Sunday lunch. The last few weeks he's stayed the whole weekend. I never thought to ask her if it was ok, never had to ever before and she never said anything.

 

Her routine is work at work come home and work then sleep Monday to Friday then pack a bag and spend the weekend at mine so I can understand certain things she is saying about our routine etc. I desperately want to make this work.

 

I feel so lonely yes I have friends and family to support me and I do know if it over then at some point I will heal and move on. The thing is I don't want to, I want to be with her. As much as my son will always be part of my life he is part of my past and I want to build a future with my (ex) girlfriend where he is part of it.

 

I've tried so hard not to contact her, and when I have I've tried to keep it light and not ask questions so she doesn't feel she has to respond. Yet she has responded with kisses on the messages.

 

I'd do anything I could to help her find herself and realise what we have together, I want her to see a doctor about her depression but am not exactly in a position to advise this now we have separated. I'd try counselling etc. I had no idea she was feeling it this way. By her own admission she (as her family do) has bottled this up for some time. Yet a message early October from her said we will do everything we can to get out houses ready to sell. how can things change so quickly.

 

I spoke to her late last night and nothing has changed. I'm desperately trying to understand this but am struggling. I can't even begin to think how I am going to tell my son. Only last night he (he's 8) said 'Daddy it's ok you and mummy are not together anymore (like 7yrs) as we have Cat' I had to leave the room as I broke down.

 

She mentioned that she wants to hang out tomorrow but has not arranged anything. I want this too some time with just me and her without my son. I want to make an effort during the week to see her, I want her to want to make that same effort. I'm so confused.

 

I'm 32 and not new to break ups, I broke up with my sons mum as she cheated, I took her back and she did it again so it had to end. BUT this honestly is my dream girl we're so good together and I'm shocked and devastated that I had no forewarning of this.

 

I can see me pouring more of my heart here over this. I've been lurking for a week but thought now was the time to spill my story. Typing these things helps like writing them down did.

 

Any help or advice would be very much appreciated.

 

s.

x

[skotbites]

It's now 36hrs NC I'm struggling, 36hrs ago she told me she'd like to see me this weekend, hang out, chat. Maybe Sunday she said.

 

I've not heard anything either way and I'm trying so hard to stay NC.

 

:-(

 

s.

[broken-and-lost]

sorry for your pain m8, it sounds like you both had a bit of cold feet and weren't 100% on committing looking for excuses to things.

 

It's very hard if she is suffering with depression then that in itself is going to make fixing things much harder between you.

 

For now you have to give her space or if you really have to go see her in person and talk things out if you still think their is hope it's going to hurt either way really sorry

[skotbites]

Thanks, I still think we have a future, this time 2 weeks ago we were ready to sell our houses. When we chatted in person on Monday she was the one hugging and kissing me.

 

Right now I'm confused as to how this happened, fully commited to trying to resolve our issues and move forward, but finding it hard to give her the space. If she just carries on, her routine will not change, she will spend weekends alone mostly asleep recovering from her working week and not dealing with her issues. If she doesnt deal with hers then I feel she will just forget about how good we are together and not put the effort in to us.

 

I'm used to being alone, as I've said most of my week days are spent alone, but somehow it is different now and I don't know what to do with my time.

 

Should I contact her about seeing her today? It was her suggestion we meet, do I leave it up to her to make contact. I don't want her thinking I don't care.

 

s.

[broken-and-lost]

their is no harm at this stage contacting her to let her know your missing her and would like to sort things out unless she has been really firm in saying that she does not want you to contact her.

 

Maybe you could suggest seeing a councillor together to help her work through what ever is troubling her so your willing to support her anyway you can. You know her best everyone will tell you to go NC and so on but that's really for healing and moving on not fixing problems in your relationship.

 

Only you know what and how she feels and whether the problems can be worked at.

[skotbites]

Thanks.

 

I saw her last night, suggested going out but she wanted to come to my place. Yeah I know I'm 32 but we played ps3 then watched a film. There was laughter, and hugging during the scary film.

 

After the film I tried to talk to her about things. She clams up. Says the same things, she doesn't want 'this' family whatever that means. Needs to sort her head out and try to find out why she's feeling these things and it's going to take time.

 

I understand this, but want to help and I can't. This girls is/was my world I suggested speaking to someone about her issues with or without me and she just shook her head. Says she can speak to her mum and friends.

 

I know she won't or not fully. Her mum is away this week visiting friends, I'm sure if she knew what was going on she'd not be visiting friends but visiting her daughter or making her go stay for a few days.

 

SO where does that leave me? hopeless, heartbroken and clueless. I've decided to take steps to talk to my 8 year old son about it as he is already worried that his daddy is sad. I'll try to make it as painless as possible as obviously I am still hoping for us to make a go of it.

 

Then well she needs time and space it's the school holidays, as of tomorrow I have a week of work so I'm going to spend as much time as I can with my son, friends and family and the people who care about me. It's going to be hell but I have to carry on. I'll try not to contact my ex, my 1st aim is NC until Wednesday at the very earliest and even then that will just be a 'Hope your ok' kind of text. Hopefully she'll come to me when she wants to talk.

 

I feel such a dick for how this has happened and not realising for 4 years she has had these issues. I can help her through it and we can make a go of things of this I am positive BUT only if she wants to.

 

s.

x

[Mcnulty]

How old is she? I'm guessing she doesn't have kids or want them in the future? I dated a teacher, who didn't like kids, I had a son, she never wanted kids...red flags came up for me and we ended.

 

If she doesn't want a child in her cosy life, then there's only one answer isn't there? Your son always should come first...good luck.

[skotbites]

She is 29 in a couple of weeks. She does not know if she wants children, I would like more but it is not a huge deal if I do not. I have my son.

 

Yes he always comes 1st. Just surprised and shocked it hadn't been an issue in the 4 years we were together.

 

s.

x