JayParks Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Hey everyone, I've never done this before but I need some advice. Sorry it's a long read but any help would be greatly appreciated. About 5 months ago now I began seeing the daughter of one of my closest friends. I should point out that my friend's daughter and I are both the same age. She is 23 and I am 25, so it's not a case of me having watched her grow up or anything like that. My girlfriend and I get along great and we have an amazing relationship, but her dad is not happy about it. Me and him work together and spend a lot of time together, and he has gotten to know me very well over the years. But that means he's also seen the not-so-great side of me and has seen me get into trouble and pretty much just use women in the past. And I'm not the ideal candidate to be anyone's daughter's boyfriend to begin with. I don't usually have relationships and prefer to keep things casual. But this is not the case with his daughter. I have never been more serious or felt more strongly about anything in my entire life. Now I understand his concerns, and I get how he can see my actions as disrespectful. But he also knows that I'm a good guy and we've always been great friends. He's someone I look up to and want to repair our friendship. I also want to stop any hostility between him and his daughter. So I guess my question is how can I make him see that I love his daughter and that I would never, regardless of my previous actions, begin a relationship with her if I had any bad intentions whatsoever? He knows I don't normally do relationships so he must see that I care about her and I'm not just using her. Also do you feel that what we're doing is wrong? We'd both liked each other for a long time before we finally got together. It's not like we just jumped into it without thinking. Thanks for reading.
thatone Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 so talk to him and tell him what you told us. pretty simple.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Kind of sucks when your actions pretty much tell what kind of man you are doesn't it? You used women now you want the people that know you to think you're a good man. The only way you can do that is through your actions and keeping those actions up for as long as it takes. Can't blame your friend for worrying about a guy who has a reputation for treating women like they were worthless . Let your actions prove what man you are now.
Trimmer Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 I agree with the poster above: you'll just have to tough it out, prove by your actions that this relationship is meaninful and different to you, in spite of your reputation based on your past actions, and keep that up for as long as it takes. Even a little slip will be looked at unfavorably... I think it is also worth you realizing that your relationship with your friend (her father) will probably never "go back to what it was before." Your dating his daughter has probably permanently changed the dynamic between you. I don't particularly see anything wrong with it, but I don't think you should be so naive as to think that your friendship can just go back to the way it was. I think this would be true to some degree, even if you didn't have this previous reputation. You have moved yourself, in a sense, from an insider - from a friendship perspective - to a kind of an outsider, from the family perspective. At this point, you are either a potential in-law, or a potential heartbreaker. Neither of those is particularly well-suited to being wide open guy-buddies any more. Again, I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with this, it's just the nature of relationship dynamics, and something you'll have to get used to.
grkBoy Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 so talk to him and tell him what you told us. pretty simple. Exactly. Tell him you love his daughter, and respect him too much to treat her as a plaything...plus add in you want to prove to him that he has nothing to worry about. From there, you have to stand by your words.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Hey everyone, I've never done this before but I need some advice. Sorry it's a long read but any help would be greatly appreciated. About 5 months ago now I began seeing the daughter of one of my closest friends. I should point out that my friend's daughter and I are both the same age. She is 23 and I am 25, so it's not a case of me having watched her grow up or anything like that. My girlfriend and I get along great and we have an amazing relationship, but her dad is not happy about it. Me and him work together and spend a lot of time together, and he has gotten to know me very well over the years. But that means he's also seen the not-so-great side of me and has seen me get into trouble and pretty much just use women in the past. And I'm not the ideal candidate to be anyone's daughter's boyfriend to begin with. I don't usually have relationships and prefer to keep things casual. But this is not the case with his daughter. I have never been more serious or felt more strongly about anything in my entire life. Now I understand his concerns, and I get how he can see my actions as disrespectful. But he also knows that I'm a good guy and we've always been great friends. He's someone I look up to and want to repair our friendship. I also want to stop any hostility between him and his daughter. So I guess my question is how can I make him see that I love his daughter and that I would never, regardless of my previous actions, begin a relationship with her if I had any bad intentions whatsoever? He knows I don't normally do relationships so he must see that I care about her and I'm not just using her. Also do you feel that what we're doing is wrong? We'd both liked each other for a long time before we finally got together. It's not like we just jumped into it without thinking. Thanks for reading. First of all, merely being of similar age does not preclude the possibility that you could have "watched her grow up". Next, the only thing that will help in the way you want is TIME. You need to be on very good behavior for a long, long while... with ZERO screw-ups. It is only when this friend of yours becomes 'used to' your always being with his daughter, that it will start to seem 'normal' to him.
silvermercy Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 There's nothing wrong but tread carefully. You haven't shown a pattern of long stable relationships before her and if I was in her father's place I would be very wary of you, too. I will go even further and be blunt: unless you end up marrying her and have a happy married life afterwards, this friendship you have will probably be ruined. So be prepared to face that possibility.
Trimmer Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Exactly. Tell him you love his daughter, and respect him too much to treat her as a plaything... Uh, he might be more impressed if you tell him you respect her too much to treat her as a plaything. If your main reason is out of respect to him, it will sound like you are changing your style to suck up to him, and that really does relegate her to the status of plaything. This relationship isn't "different from the others" because you happen to know him, it's different because she's different, and that's motivating you to be a different partner. There's nothing wrong but tread carefully. You haven't shown a pattern of long stable relationships before her and if I was in her father's place I would be very wary of you, too. I will go even further and be blunt: unless you end up marrying her and have a happy married life afterwards, this friendship you have will probably be ruined. So be prepared to face that possibility. Yeah, like I said - at this point, your possible outcomes are either in-law or heartbreaker. First of all, merely being of similar age does not preclude the possibility that you could have "watched her grow up". You're calling him on the literal interpretation of his words, but I know what he meant was that he wasn't an adult while he was watching her grow up - 5 years old, 7 years old, 13 years old, 16 years old, and then eventually they are dating. That's where the "ewww" factor comes in. Lots of kids who "grow up together" at similar ages eventually try dating - that doesn't bring the same "ick" factor to it as it would if he had been an adult next door neighbor or family friend or something when she was 6....
Author JayParks Posted October 29, 2011 Author Posted October 29, 2011 Hey, thanks for everybody's responses. Y'all have helped a lot. We had a talk, didn't go down perfect, but I can tell I made some impact. Thanks again. Also @Trimmer, thanks a lot man you're advice helped me the most. No disrespect to anybody else lol. You seem to know what you're talking about the most.
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