'Be' the person you want to attract

[ThsAmericanLife]

Look, I will never be Mr. Charismatic.

 

I will always be a shy, geeky looking quiet male who likes scifi, computers, gaming, reading, and writing songs, poetry, and stories. That is who I am.

 

I hate sports. I will never be "the jock." So what if I am a virgin? I am a victim of my own circumstances.

 

Frankly, I'm through giving a ****. People want to give me dating advice? Fine, but don't let it be cliche things like "be the person you want to attract", or "just put yourself out there." I've done all that. Other geeky women don't want me, they want someone who is the polar opposite of me!

 

Instead of dating advice, maybe a book on learned optimism would be a better bet.

 

I'm not being sarcastic. Looking at life with a more positive outlook is something that can be learned. Nothing you've mentioned above should keep you from a loving relationship, IMHO.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Learned-Optimism-Change-Your-Mind/dp/0671019112

[ThsAmericanLife]

So I should expect someone who's geeky, someone who's chubby, someone who's shy/quiet, and someone who's intelligent...

 

Sounds great!! Now where is she?

 

Sorry, it doesn't quite work that way! The last girl I found who was like this was 22, and was dating a 35 year old car mechanic (she was a college grad, working to become a doctor.)

 

Hmmm...

 

I see you like Emerson. Here is a quote from my favorite essay from him... (I'm not religious... so take 'God' in any way that suits you...)

 

There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till.

 

 

 

The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried. Not for nothing one face, one character, one fact, makes much impression on him, and another none. This sculpture in the memory is not without preestablished harmony. The eye was placed where one ray should fall, that it might testify of that particular ray.

 

 

 

We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. It may be safely trusted as proportionate and of good issues, so it be faithfully imparted, but God will not have his work made manifest by cowards.

 

 

 

Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. Accept the place the divine providence has found for you, the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events. Great men have always done so, and confided themselves childlike to the genius of their age, betraying their perception that the absolutely trustworthy was seated at their heart, working through their hands, predominating in all their being. And we are now men, and must accept in the highest mind the same transcendent destiny; and not minors and invalids in a protected corner, not cowards fleeing before a revolution, but guides, redeemers, and benefactors, obeying the Almighty effort, and advancing on Chaos and the Dark.

[AHardDaysNight]

Instead of dating advice, maybe a book on learned optimism would be a better bet.

 

I'm not being sarcastic. Looking at life with a more positive outlook is something that can be learned. Nothing you've mentioned above should keep you from a loving relationship, IMHO.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Learned-Optimism-Change-Your-Mind/dp/0671019112

 

I downloaded the ebook, and will read it. Thanks!

[WhiteChocolate]

Great men have always done so, and confided themselves childlike to the genius of their age, betraying their perception that the absolutely trustworthy was seated at their heart, working through their hands, predominating in all their being.

This is strangely scary and comforting both at once.

[thatone]

This is strangely scary and comforting both at once.

 

that's why we still know his name.

 

which brought to mind...

 

Messenger Boy: "The Thesselonian you're fighting... he's the biggest man I've ever seen. I wouldn't want to fight him."

 

Achilles: "That's why no one will remember your name."

 

now go compare yourself to brad pitt and have another drink AHDN

[AHardDaysNight]

that's why we still know his name.

 

which brought to mind...

 

Messenger Boy: "The Thesselonian you're fighting... he's the biggest man I've ever seen. I wouldn't want to fight him."

 

Achilles: "That's why no one will remember your name."

 

now go compare yourself to brad pitt and have another drink AHDN

 

I don't know where that quote is from, but I get your point.

 

I guess I have to stop being such a coward, and start being braver.

[thatone]

it's from the movie 'Troy'.

 

as far as recent movies go, it's not bad. a bit simple at times but brad pitt as achilles came off pretty well. sean bean was odysseus, too.

 

it's not that simple. coward/brave are just words. re-read what TAL is saying. you have to decide who you want to be and be that person. no one wants to be bitter, reluctant, depressed, and frustrated. so that's not who you are. you have to figure out who you are and let that persona drive all of your actions, decisions, opinions, etc. and then you have to live with the consequences of those actions and decisions.

 

that's what confidence is.

[AHardDaysNight]

Sounds a lot like bravery to me.

 

What is the saying? "Faint of heart never won fair maiden"?

 

I just need to put myself out there and get rejected and hurt a few times. Then I'll realize how it wasn't all that bad, and keep on going.

[somedude81]

I'm not sure where this thinking comes from... this idea that one can 'get' something they can't offer themselves.

Ah, but I can offer exactly what I want from a partner. More often than not, even more than she can. And yet I still can't find anybody.

 

Unfortunately, those guidelines don't apply to woman.

 

A girl can be poor and overweight and go after the rich good looking guy and still get him.

 

Now how is that fair?

[AHardDaysNight]

Ah, but I can offer exactly what I want from a partner. More often than not, even more than she can. And yet I still can't find anybody.

 

Unfortunately, those guidelines don't apply to woman.

 

A girl can be poor and overweight and go after the rich good looking guy and still get him.

 

Now how is that fair?

 

It's not fair, but it happens. It's just one of those double standards that men have to face.

[betterdeal]

I don't get it, AHardDaysNight - you say you prefer doing solitary things and you are not destined to find love, so (a) why are you on a relationship advice forum and (b) what would you do as a lover? You've found your niche, so why not enjoy it?

 

As for the exceptions that prove the rules, sure, Barry White has many children and was a very fat guy, Joe Brand is a firebrand, feminist, fat, ugly woman and is happily married. It happens. But if what you desire is someone who is rich, healthy, witty, kind, intelligent, friendly whatever why not be those things yourself? After all, being rich yourself, being healthy, witty, kind, intelligent, friendly is intrinsically enjoyable anyway, right?

[zengirl]

While I agree with being of a similar quality and general value system as the person you want to attract, I don't necessarily have the experience that I work best with men precisely like myself. There's something to complementing a partner and bringing different strengths/weaknesses into a relationship to work together as a team; it's not really about entitlement so much as just a natural meshing together.

 

My BF and I are both attractive, kind, intelligent, and capable of supporting ourselves, but, in specifics, we have very little of the same strengths and weaknesses and are certainly not going to be mistaken for the same person anytime soon.

 

So, I would amend the post to say, "Be a person you love and who deserves love."

 

I think it's just as gross an entitlement to go around saying, "Well, I'm thin so thin girls/guys should dig me!" NO ONE has to date you or fall in love you. For any reason. No matter what you make yourself into. And it's much more important to love yourself and work on your character and be open to loving others than try to perfect whatever characteristics you've decided are uber-important, because, honestly, except for maybe basic intelligence, kindness and getting your engine revving (some degree of attraction), the rest is probably a little bit rubbish at the end of the day. Most people don't know what they really want until they see it, is what I've noticed. Those who actually go out and assess people as they are, rather than crafting the perfect person in their minds, seem to do better.

[ThsAmericanLife]

As much as I'm not a fan of management book clap-trap, the book "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People' made an impact on me years ago...

 

It talks about identifying your core values, and making sure those core values drive all of your decisions. Eliminating time wasters that send you down paths that don't lead to reaching your end goals... all of that.

[ThsAmericanLife]

While I agree with being of a similar quality and general value system as the person you want to attract, I don't necessarily have the experience that I work best with men precisely like myself. There's something to complementing a partner and bringing different strengths/weaknesses into a relationship to work together as a team; it's not really about entitlement so much as just a natural meshing together.

 

My BF and I are both attractive, kind, intelligent, and capable of supporting ourselves, but, in specifics, we have very little of the same strengths and weaknesses and are certainly not going to be mistaken for the same person anytime soon.

 

So, I would amend the post to say, "Be a person you love and who deserves love."

 

I think it's just as gross an entitlement to go around saying, "Well, I'm thin so thin girls/guys should dig me!" NO ONE has to date you or fall in love you. For any reason. No matter what you make yourself into. And it's much more important to love yourself and work on your character and be open to loving others than try to perfect whatever characteristics you've decided are uber-important, because, honestly, except for maybe basic intelligence, kindness and getting your engine revving (some degree of attraction), the rest is probably a little bit rubbish at the end of the day. Most people don't know what they really want until they see it, is what I've noticed. Those who actually go out and assess people as they are, rather than crafting the perfect person in their minds, seem to do better.

 

I agree with you... what I was commenting on was the frustration that some people demonstrate when they can't get this 'ideal' in another person.

 

... and it is especially annoying when the person doing the complaining has taken no effort to come closer to the 'ideal' themselves. They just want what they want and think other people should comply... then trash whole genders as an excuse, instead of working on themselves.

 

We all have various strengths and weaknesses... and finding someone who may be our polar opposite in one area or another is part of the beauty of a relationship. We can help each other out and balance each other.

 

To the extent though, that we strive to 'be' or attain the qualities we admire in our current mate or potential mate also demonstrates our admiration for them... Rather than approaching it is 'I want'... perhaps an attitude of...

 

can you teach me? along with a grateful attitude for the time the other person has spent help making you a better person in an area one might be lacking... that would go a long way.

 

What I'm resenting is the parasitic attitude I view instead. The thinking that goes somewhere along the lines of... "I want. If I have these other qualities... then I'm entitled to 'take'... and when I'm done learning from you... I'm going to go find someone else to 'take' from."

 

This is what the 'entitlement' attitude leads to, IMHO.

[counterman]

Great post

 

It is so easy to expect certain characteristics from a potential partner but much harder to actually work on ourselves to be the person we want to attract. Of course this doesn't mean we will be exactly the same in every regard except for gender but, as zengirl has stated, similar quality and values. IME, I have found that as I do improve on aspects of my life and character, I am less willing to accept less from a girl I'm looking to date. I had unknowingly accepted less with my first girlfriend, and it really reflected on my state of mind at that point in time and also my own self-worth; it wasn't that great.

 

However, I wager that if I do put in the effort to really become the person I want to attract, I will undoubtedly meet more girls that I would date and would be willing to have relationships with. It's an ongoing process and, at the moment, I'm struggling with the "being more social" aspect of my life. Getting there though

[betterdeal]

Ugly people don't fancy other ugly people.

[Alexz]

*shrug*

 

There are some traits you can't really change. Diffident or aloof individuals don't really want to attract someone with the same traits (same with very extroverted or open individuals). Sometimes opposites just attract, and its just difficult to explain how chemistry works between certain individuals.

[FrustratedStandards]

NOT true.

 

I am 5"10, great figure (I work out), have a great, well-paying job, I love to read, laid back, not high maintenance, LOVE animals etc etc...

 

Yet I cannot attract a man who has these same qualities. I always attract the lesser, which is surprising because most men feel emasculated by a woman who a) makes more than they do and b) who is taller than them.

 

So I really don't get it. I really don't.

[AHardDaysNight]

I don't get it, AHardDaysNight - you say you prefer doing solitary things and you are not destined to find love, so (a) why are you on a relationship advice forum and (b) what would you do as a lover? You've found your niche, so why not enjoy it?

 

As for the exceptions that prove the rules, sure, Barry White has many children and was a very fat guy, Joe Brand is a firebrand, feminist, fat, ugly woman and is happily married. It happens. But if what you desire is someone who is rich, healthy, witty, kind, intelligent, friendly whatever why not be those things yourself? After all, being rich yourself, being healthy, witty, kind, intelligent, friendly is intrinsically enjoyable anyway, right?

 

I wrote all that in frustration yesterday.

 

I do prefer doing solitary things, but I do want to find love.

 

A.) I am on a relationship forum, because I want to find out what I'm doing wrong, and B.) Beats me. I have no clue how to get from point A to point B, so jumping from point A to point C seems even more complicated.

[thatone]

NOT true.

 

I am 5"10, great figure (I work out), have a great, well-paying job, I love to read, laid back, not high maintenance, LOVE animals etc etc...

 

Yet I cannot attract a man who has these same qualities. I always attract the lesser, which is surprising because most men feel emasculated by a woman who a) makes more than they do and b) who is taller than them.

 

So I really don't get it. I really don't.

 

obviously most men don't, or you wouldn't attract so many of them.

[betterdeal]

I wrote all that in frustration yesterday.

 

Fair enough.

 

The idea is that it's a process. Sure, there are milestones, but it's a flow of events, rather than a set of goals, if you see what I mean? It's much the same as the process of rising to any challenge, be that losing weight, public speaking, skiing, relaxing, telling jokes - anything really - and the people who do well at any challenge are the ones who enjoy it. So learning to enjoy meeting the challenges thrown your way, to relish them even, to think ways around, over, through them, and do it, gives you exactly the kind of experience that will make getting it on with someone more likely and easier.

 

Self-improvement may make you more attractive in that you're, say, slimmer, for example, but also you develop a can-do attitude. It becomes second nature, and it becomes part of your character. What you may have once seen as a problem you begin to see as a challenge. What was once scary becomes exciting. And you learn when to put something on the shelf and move on to something more fruitful. You learn to make an advantage of just about anything, and that, my friend, is attractive.

[AHardDaysNight]

Fair enough.

 

The idea is that it's a process. Sure, there are milestones, but it's a flow of events, rather than a set of goals, if you see what I mean? It's much the same as the process of rising to any challenge, be that losing weight, public speaking, skiing, relaxing, telling jokes - anything really - and the people who do well at any challenge are the ones who enjoy it. So learning to enjoy meeting the challenges thrown your way, to relish them even, to think ways around, over, through them, and do it, gives you exactly the kind of experience that will make getting it on with someone more likely and easier.

 

Self-improvement may make you more attractive in that you're, say, slimmer, for example, but also you develop a can-do attitude. It becomes second nature, and it becomes part of your character. What you may have once seen as a problem you begin to see as a challenge. What was once scary becomes exciting. And you learn when to put something on the shelf and move on to something more fruitful. You learn to make an advantage of just about anything, and that, my friend, is attractive.

 

Thanks for this.

 

I am feeling more optimistic today. I think I will go for a brisk walk in a few mins, and start exercising every day. Also, renew my YMCA membership, and start going to the yoga place that's down the street.

 

I don't have to accept my fate. Being a virgin isn't who I am. I am a smart, funny, musically creative, artistic, introspective, and well rounded guy.

 

I think I might take up a sport, too. Nevermind if I'm not good at it. I'll get better.

[Wolf18]

NOT true.

 

I am 5"10, great figure (I work out), have a great, well-paying job, I love to read, laid back, not high maintenance, LOVE animals etc etc...

 

Yet I cannot attract a man who has these same qualities. I always attract the lesser, which is surprising because most men feel emasculated by a woman who a) makes more than they do and b) who is taller than them.

 

So I really don't get it. I really don't.

 

 

That is baloney. No real man feels emasculated by any woman, especially not over something stupid like height or money, because any man who lets a woman emasculate him isn't a man. A lot of really tall girls are more feminine than really short girls.

 

You just don't like guys who are shorter than you. It really is a one way street though, and I bet you pass up all sorts of great guys whose values are very compatible with yours over petty crap like they're 2 inches shorter.

 

If you define masculinity or femininity by inches or dollars, you deserve to die alone.

[betterdeal]

Thanks for this.

 

I am feeling more optimistic today. I think I will go for a brisk walk in a few mins, and start exercising every day. Also, renew my YMCA membership, and start going to the yoga place that's down the street.

 

I don't have to accept my fate. Being a virgin isn't who I am. I am a smart, funny, musically creative, artistic, introspective, and well rounded guy.

 

I think I might take up a sport, too. Nevermind if I'm not good at it. I'll get better.

 

Good show, than man!

[ThsAmericanLife]

Thanks for this.

 

I am feeling more optimistic today. I think I will go for a brisk walk in a few mins, and start exercising every day. Also, renew my YMCA membership, and start going to the yoga place that's down the street.

 

I don't have to accept my fate. Being a virgin isn't who I am. I am a smart, funny, musically creative, artistic, introspective, and well rounded guy.

 

I think I might take up a sport, too. Nevermind if I'm not good at it. I'll get better.

 

this is awesome!

 

I'm looking forward to hearing about how you like yoga. There is a place not far from me that does 'hot' yoga that I love. The room is over 95 degrees!

 

Also, Amazon is starting to offer self-publishing for authors... so if you ever wanna get your work out into the world and avoid a few publishing hurdles, that is an option...