ThsAmericanLife Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 As I read these threads, I find over and over again how often people WANT things from others in a relationship... And the things they WANT seem incredibly one sided. - they are overweight, but expect a thin, attractive partner. - They are aging, but expect a 'young' partner. - They are not fiscally responsible or stable, but want a 'rich' partner. - They want someone to pay for them, but they are unwilling to pay for their partner. - They want compassion and understanding, but cannot bring themselves to offer it. - They want a relationship (ie sex), but are unwilling to devote the time and attention for one. They treat their partners more as pets rather than people. I could go on and on... I'm not sure where this thinking comes from... this idea that one can 'get' something they can't offer themselves. Seem just so fundamentally basic. Sure, we are all a handful of qualities. We can't possibly 'match' our partner in all things or maybe even most... that is why they are a 'partner' Teamwork, and all that... Still, the extent to which some people feel ENTITLED to things they are unwilling to change in themselves seems like a recipe for frustration... and would scare away the best people from wanting to be around them.
El Brujo Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 What an overgeneralization! Personally I never cared for a rich, thin, sex-hungry Barbie wannabe... but after hearing the horror stories from men who made the mistake of hitching up with them, I count myself lucky. I didn't wait to make mistakes... not when other guys were making plenty of mistakes for me to learn from!
thatone Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 i think these issues are self fulfilling, too. women condition themselves to expect 'first date behavior' from every man they meet and when the attention fantasy falls apart they just go meet someone else to get that perception back. men condition themselves to expect the fantasy of 'perfect women' that they see but haven't yet approached and when they find that the ones they do approach don't match up they go meet someone else to get that image of initial attraction back. the only common denominator is it's a lot easier to just throw people away and go find new ones, rather than deal with reality. blame all the advertising people see on TV .
betterdeal Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 I noticed it too, TAL. Whatever the cause of this thinking, the solution is to remember than a perfect relationship starts with seeing an imperfect person perfectly, being humble, having self-respect, enjoying what you do have, and loving like you've never been hurt. A lot of clichés, but they are oft repeated because they're true.
monkey00 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 As I read these threads, I find over and over again how often people WANT things from others in a relationship... And the things they WANT seem incredibly one sided. - they are overweight, but expect a thin, attractive partner. - They are aging, but expect a 'young' partner. - They are not fiscally responsible or stable, but want a 'rich' partner. - They want someone to pay for them, but they are unwilling to pay for their partner. - They want compassion and understanding, but cannot bring themselves to offer it. - They want a relationship (ie sex), but are unwilling to devote the time and attention for one. They treat their partners more as pets rather than people. It's funny, you just described the exact dynamics of the relationship I had with my ex. She was the "want" part, and I was on the other end of the spectrum. Does her embodying all that make her a bad person? Not really. But it's the perfect formula for a disastrous relationship. Seem just so fundamentally basic. Sure, we are all a handful of qualities. We can't possibly 'match' our partner in all things or maybe even most... that is why they are a 'partner' Teamwork, and all that... Still, the extent to which some people feel ENTITLED to things they are unwilling to change in themselves seems like a recipe for frustration... and would scare away the best people from wanting to be around them. Unfortunately a lot of people in this world are selfish and only think of themselves. Some people have a pretty extreme issue of personal accountability, and for those who have that issue they'd rather blame the other person for failing. I feel these very same people run from their own problems and hope to escape them by looking for someone who is different and capable/successful in the areas the other person lacks. It's actually a pretty poor excuse not to be a better person.
Andy_K Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 I've believed for some time that if you want your perfect partner, you've got to be offering a whole lot more (in your mind) than you're expecting in return. Why offer 'more' and not 'the same'? Simply because there's a pretty good chance many of the things you're offering, they don't care much about, so those don't count. The more you offer, the better the chance they do care about those things, and consider you a 'catch'.
Wolf18 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Been there, doing that. This advice only applies to women.
AHardDaysNight Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 So I should expect someone who's geeky, someone who's chubby, someone who's shy/quiet, and someone who's intelligent... Sounds great!! Now where is she? Sorry, it doesn't quite work that way! The last girl I found who was like this was 22, and was dating a 35 year old car mechanic (she was a college grad, working to become a doctor.) Hmmm...
iris219 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 This advice only applies to women. Funny...when I first read this post, I thought it only applied to men.
iris219 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 So I should expect someone who's geeky, someone who's chubby, someone who's shy/quiet, and someone who's intelligent... Sounds great!! Now where is she? Um, you have to go find her. She's not going to knock on your door.
aj22one Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 As I read these threads, I find over and over again how often people WANT things from others in a relationship... And the things they WANT seem incredibly one sided. - they are overweight, but expect a thin, attractive partner. - They are aging, but expect a 'young' partner. - They are not fiscally responsible or stable, but want a 'rich' partner. - They want someone to pay for them, but they are unwilling to pay for their partner. - They want compassion and understanding, but cannot bring themselves to offer it. - They want a relationship (ie sex), but are unwilling to devote the time and attention for one. They treat their partners more as pets rather than people. I could go on and on... I'm not sure where this thinking comes from... this idea that one can 'get' something they can't offer themselves. Seem just so fundamentally basic. Sure, we are all a handful of qualities. We can't possibly 'match' our partner in all things or maybe even most... that is why they are a 'partner' Teamwork, and all that... Still, the extent to which some people feel ENTITLED to things they are unwilling to change in themselves seems like a recipe for frustration... and would scare away the best people from wanting to be around them. First of all, I resent your insinuations: I happen to treat my dog very well . Seriously though good post. I noticed this as well.
Wolf18 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 I've found about 3 girls who were really like me. I am slender leaning towards the athletic, they were slender. I'm lower middle class, they were lower middle class. We had the same exact taste in music and sense of humor. Probably equal or about so in facial looks, one of them often got asked if she was my sister And I could go into detail about the other various subtle similarities. Pretty much was a masculine version of these girls, I don't talk about other women I've known because they did not have as much in common. Yet nothing, always picked someone else over me (but still wanted to spend all their time with me and always talked about how similar we were and how great we got along ). Admit it, hypergamy is uniquely woman problem. You don't want your equals.
AHardDaysNight Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Um, you have to go find her. She's not going to knock on your door. Typical response. Look, I have tried. I have social anxiety, prefer to be alone most of the time, and prefer doing solitary activities. I personally feel that God created me to be miserable and alone, and that is how my life should lead. I was never meant to find love. Love is for other people, not for me.
Wolf18 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 I'd also like to note that women who have certain physical traits are more prized than men who have the same. The girl who people would say looked very similar to me gets compliments for being "gorgeous" every day. Any girl who isn't fat is considered beautiful in America. But if you're a man you need to have a bunch of other great physical traits to be considered a handsome or attractive man. You don't need to be who you want to attract, if you're a man you have to be about 10 times better than who you want to attract.
AHardDaysNight Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 (edited) So that's it huh? Giving up already? Not giving up, but giving in to my situation. Edited October 22, 2011 by AHardDaysNight
fortyninethousand322 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 So, basically the same thing, just said in a more elaborate way. Gotcha. Go easy on him. Not everyone has good luck attracting someone. Not everyone can be a MrNate.
AHardDaysNight Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Look, I will never be Mr. Charismatic. I will always be a shy, geeky looking quiet male who likes scifi, computers, gaming, reading, and writing songs, poetry, and stories. That is who I am. I hate sports. I will never be "the jock." So what if I am a virgin? I am a victim of my own circumstances. Frankly, I'm through giving a ****. People want to give me dating advice? Fine, but don't let it be cliche things like "be the person you want to attract", or "just put yourself out there." I've done all that. Other geeky women don't want me, they want someone who is the polar opposite of me!
fortyninethousand322 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Look, I will never be Mr. Charismatic. I will always be a shy, geeky looking quiet male who likes scifi, computers, gaming, reading, and writing songs, poetry, and stories. That is who I am. I hate sports. I will never be "the jock." So what if I am a virgin? I am a victim of my own circumstances. Frankly, I'm through giving a ****. People want to give me dating advice? Fine, but don't let it be cliche things like "be the person you want to attract", or "just put yourself out there." I've done all that. Other geeky women don't want me, they want someone who is the polar opposite of me! Yeah I hear you. What I've noticed on LS is that people generally can't relate to people with minimal dating experience. People generally date and have sex between the ages of 18-24. Someone who hasn't just boggles their minds.
ptp Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Look, I will never be Mr. Charismatic. I will always be a shy, geeky looking quiet male who likes scifi, computers, gaming, reading, and writing songs, poetry, and stories. That is who I am. I hate sports. I will never be "the jock." So what if I am a virgin? I am a victim of my own circumstances. Frankly, I'm through giving a ****. People want to give me dating advice? Fine, but don't let it be cliche things like "be the person you want to attract", or "just put yourself out there." I've done all that. Other geeky women don't want me, they want someone who is the polar opposite of me! Don't pigeon hole yourself into one category. I don't consider myself a geek, but I have computer science degree from a top 5 school. I have spent more time in front of a glowing screen programming than probably 90% of the people here. I also played football in HS and college, ran track and now play basketball, but I don't consider myself a "jock" either. You can be who you want to be..there are "geeks" that get a ton of women and "jocks" that sit on the bench.
AHardDaysNight Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Yeah I hear you. What I've noticed on LS is that people generally can't relate to people with minimal dating experience. People generally date and have sex between the ages of 18-24. Someone who hasn't just boggles their minds. I agree. This is probably why I don't fit in on here.
thatone Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 go pm that verhzn chick (or however you spell her name). she has the same interests as you but only does FWBs with frat boys who don't really care for anything else she does or doesn't do.
Wolf18 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 go pm that verhzn chick (or however you spell her name). she has the same interests as you but only does FWBs with frat boys who don't really care for anything else she does or doesn't do. And thus we find the root of everyone's dilemma. I bet she wouldn't give Mr HardDaysNight the romantic time of day , then in the same thought pattern whine about how men only want to use her for sex.
AD1980 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 I'd also like to note that women who have certain physical traits are more prized than men who have the same. The girl who people would say looked very similar to me gets compliments for being "gorgeous" every day. Any girl who isn't fat is considered beautiful in America. But if you're a man you need to have a bunch of other great physical traits to be considered a handsome or attractive man. You don't need to be who you want to attract, if you're a man you have to be about 10 times better than who you want to attract. That is true but thats also partly mens fault for infliating the egos of any women whos not hideous in hopes to sleep with them
AHardDaysNight Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 You don't need to be to be attractive. There are several types of attractive men. These women here say so all the time, but it falls on deaf ears. I enjoy the hell out of making websites. Wordpress is like my e-lover. Doing SEO is fun. Getting sites ranked on Google is fun. Making twitter/facebook pages, videos, etc. is fun to do. In fact, I own 13 websites. I have my nerdy streak like everyone else, and you bet I love bragging about it:laugh: You don't have to like sports. I didn't play them, though I did get into powerlifting in college. Actually I did music for 10 years. What else do you want these women to tell you?? That they're attracted to confident men? Yes, they are. That they like nice bodies? Yes, the same way we do. That they like sociable guys? Of course they do. But not all. That they should start approaching men? Not going to happen. Girls will do what makes them feminine. That they're sorry for your situation? It won't solve anything. Start loving yourself for who you are man. There will never be another one of you again. I've compared myself for the longest to others, always feeling like I'm coming up short..until I finally took a step back and realized 'hey, I didn't know I was this badass. I should give myself much more credit.' Things have been going differently ever since. Thanks for this, MrNate. I suppose I felt bitter, lonely, and frustrated tonight. That is coupled by Mr. Numbers man (forget what series of numbers, but it's pretty easy to find his comments) who basically made me feel like sh*t. I suppose there are girls out there who like shy guys, but I can't be completely shy. I have to make a move, too.
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