missed_theboat Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 So, my wonderful boyfriend and I split up. We were fighting often, and, although we love each other tremendously, it became ridiculous to have so much drama and arguments. So, we split. I was upset, but I knew it had to be done...considering both of us were in really bad places with ourselves. Now, it's been almost a month and we are still in contact -- because we still love each other and are really unsure what to do. He is getting therapy for anxiety issues and I am figuring out what is next in my life (having just lost my jobs). We are living about 2 hours apart (I'm back home with my parents) and we have chatted on the phone a couple of times since we split. I haven't contacted him for a while--but if he texts or calls I respond. I don't want to seem desperate or give the impression that I am not strong. I need to be strong during this time especially. I love him more than I can explain in words, but I understand why we are in this position. Last night, he called me and we chatted for an hour on the phone about what we are doing and how things are going in our lives. I told him that I would be there for him to talk if he needed it, going through his difficult period. We were kind, nice, we laughed, we were emotional. It was intense, because we talked about getting back together and it's too soon at the moment to tell what will happen. He wants me to be happy and encouraged me to see people if I saw fit. He said he wasn't ready, but asked me not to let it stop me from going out and putting myself out there if I was ready. I told him I wasn't, and that I still loved him so much that it was hard for me to even consider. He agreed, and we talked about the possibility of getting back. He said he just wanted to go away for a while--start new. He said he wished he could just come pick me up and go away together. I laughed and I told him I'd love to run away with him. So, at the end of our conversation, he told me he cared about me and that he couldn't imagine being with anyone else, but he had to get better--to get stronger, and to figure things out in his life. He told me his anxiety made it hard and he needed to do some things for himself. Even if he was healthy, though, he said our relationship was also unhealthy at times, so it would need to be a complete fresh start for us if we were to go about it again. We agreed that neither of us knows what is going to happen in the future. He started to say "we should..." but stopped. I asked him to continue and he said "no, I keep wanting to say things..." but he would stop himself. Our past experience is getting back together and things end up falling through, but we're so in love with each other that we keep trying. He said "Good night, lover. I love you" at the end of our conversation and I said "I love you too," and honestly it's very true. We're trying to get ourselves together. I just cannot give up on him. I will not beg or grovel, and the only thing I can do is live my life and be happy in myself. That's what he wants for me. That's what everyone wants for me, and that's what I want for myself. But I swear, I love this man and I feel he is my soulmate. I know he still loves me and he's having a hard time because he wants to just get back together, but doesn't want us to continue to hurt each other. He also said "We'll either get back together or we'll be really good friends," and I said "either way, it sounds good"--because he's a great person. I just want him to be happy, but I feel crazy for continuing to hope that we'll eventually get back together. What makes me think it's going to be any different this time than every other time? Our love and passion is so intense that even a phone conversation can bring us to the point where we want to do it again. Ahh! I'm having a really hard time being apart from him. At least I have a large family and plenty of friends, but he literally has no friends and he works for his family so he's very much isolated. I'm proud of him for getting therapy. I just wish I could be with him. It's killing me to think that we may not get back together. It's a real possibility, and I have to face that. But, I will not really give up on this man--at least until it's clear that it's not going to happen. People may assume I am in denial, or clinging onto something--but I see a real hope of having a wonderful thing, if we can get our feet on the ground.
Star Gazer Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Reading your story, I really believe there's something still there between you two. Have you considered couples counseling?
betterdeal Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Have you thought about having couples counselling? It seems you guys are very affectionate and kind towards one another. You said you were arguing a lot and that's why you decided to have a break. Maybe couples counselling would help you find ways to deal with things together without the drama and arguments. It sounds more like you guys just need a bit of fine tuning, not a major overhaul.
Star Gazer Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Have you thought about having couples counselling? Ha! Jinx!! Or, great minds...
Author missed_theboat Posted October 22, 2011 Author Posted October 22, 2011 We never did couples counseling together. I went to a therapist during our relationship, to deal with my own reactions over things and to begin to get myself together and now he is going to do the same for his own issues, but we haven't ever gone together. It would be a good idea if we both decided to take the plunge back into the relationship. I want to, very much. I just know he doesn't want to add more stress into his life at this point, and unfortunately, our relationship provided him a lot of that stress before--both of us really. But, yes we are very kind and affectionate towards each other. We both wish each other the best and I care about him very deeply even now...almost more than ever before, even though we are apart.
betterdeal Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Ha! Jinx!! Or, great minds... Hah hah! My thoughts too
betterdeal Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 We never did couples counseling together. I went to a therapist during our relationship, to deal with my own reactions over things and to begin to get myself together and now he is going to do the same for his own issues, but we haven't ever gone together. It would be a good idea if we both decided to take the plunge back into the relationship. I want to, very much. I just know he doesn't want to add more stress into his life at this point, and unfortunately, our relationship provided him a lot of that stress before--both of us really. But, yes we are very kind and affectionate towards each other. We both wish each other the best and I care about him very deeply even now...almost more than ever before, even though we are apart. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, eh? I recommend looking into couples counselling even if you are currently on a break. In the UK, we have Relate which is a charity that offers relationship counselling - maybe there's something similar near you. If you find something that you'd like to give a go, suggest it to him. You still have a relationship and now is a great opportunity to grow and learn together.
Author missed_theboat Posted October 22, 2011 Author Posted October 22, 2011 Absence makes the heart grow fonder, eh? I recommend looking into couples counselling even if you are currently on a break. In the UK, we have Relate which is a charity that offers relationship counselling - maybe there's something similar near you. If you find something that you'd like to give a go, suggest it to him. You still have a relationship and now is a great opportunity to grow and learn together. You're right, we still do have a relationship--even if it has evolved from the beginning. I am just worried we have sustained too much damage and too much drama to start anew. We want to start fresh, even though we have all that love for one another. Is it possible to start fresh, or is it just a matter of forgiveness?
betterdeal Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 How about restarting with a fresh outlook on it, on each other, on what it will mean to you both - that's a sort of fresh start. I don't think it works to try recreate the old beginning; take each day as a new beginning with more knowledge and understanding than you had the day before.
Author missed_theboat Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 How about restarting with a fresh outlook on it, on each other, on what it will mean to you both - that's a sort of fresh start. I don't think it works to try recreate the old beginning; take each day as a new beginning with more knowledge and understanding than you had the day before. I would love to do this. Right now we only talk about once a week if not less. He usually calls once a week, to talk and catch up. He's going through some rough times and I hate to bother him with the relationship question. We have definitely talked about it, but I don't think he's ready to decide whether it can happen, as he is dealing with his own issues. I just know that I cannot convince him of his wanting to be back together. He has to reach that conclusion on his own, knowing that I am for it, too. He already knows my feelings, but there has been no "getting back together" yet. It's just slow--and I know that's how it should be, considering our past and the often tumultuous experiences we had before. But, I am just impatient I guess. I know he won't fall in love with anyone else for a while, especially since we are still so close and still both taking care to heal ourselves. But I just wonder if there is a point at which I should just stop hoping so much, and start acting as though it may not happen? The only thing that would mean for me would be to stop dwelling so much on him and start looking after myself. He always encouraged me to do just that, and I know it's the healthy thing to do. I just am afraid to let go, lest it mean I am letting go of him. I am in such a dilemma over how to even proceed.
betterdeal Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Hmm. That is tricky. Maybe take a break, and that means no contact, and doing exactly what you're thinking i.e. focus on you, the rest of your life and so on. In a few months (maybe March time) then revisit it. I do think a break needs to be properly done, no contact, see other people if that's your thing, and reconvene some months later.
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