hurtinthecity Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 I know that what I am about to say may not sit well with everyone. I am in the process of accepting my BF's affair and have this weird feeling inside. We have been living together for 8 years and I found out about his affair with this OW just three weeks ago. Like most of us BS, we felt an immense pain, hurt and betrayal. And like most A, my BF would not admit to any wrongdoings because all he did was texting. Yes, I caught him in the act and confronted him about it. It took him 3 days to fully admit that he was wrong. I did not have all the evidence initially but by day 3, after much investigation (and some of you may label is as snooping), the truth was revealed before me in all its glory. Our relationship has gone down hill for the last 2 years or so. Our daily life has become mundane and he said that I have grown distant from him, not meeting his emotional and physical needs. During that period of time, his beloved mother passed away and I wasn't the pillar to he could lean on. I feel like I am partly to be blame and I know that this is not an excuse for him to cheat on me. However, I also realize that because I was being selfish, I pushed him away. Now, I have this feeling that I am thankful that it happened. Why? Because I realize now how much I love him and how much he means to me. I know that our relationship has started to shake but I ignored all the signs. I did not make an effort to show him the love and care that he yearns. But his affair has become a major wake up call for me. There are so many reasons why a man would have an affair and all I have been told is that once a cheater, always a cheater and that is the deal breaker in any relationship. But for me, it saved my relationship. I cannot guarantee that he will not stray again but I know that deep in my heart, this time I am going to do all I can to be there for him. I am giving US, not just him another chance. And I have no resentment towards the OW as well. In fact, I am glad she existed between us, because had it not been for her, I would have lost this man that I cared so much for. Our relationship had improved tremendously and I love him even more each day. He said he has severed all ties with her and that he will be true to me and that he wants us to work things out. I can see from his actions that he is making a great effort. I am just curious to know if anyone out there has ever feel the same?
bentnotbroken Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 I know that what I am about to say may not sit well with everyone. I am in the process of accepting my BF's affair and have this weird feeling inside. We have been living together for 8 years and I found out about his affair with this OW just three weeks ago. Like most of us BS, we felt an immense pain, hurt and betrayal. And like most A, my BF would not admit to any wrongdoings because all he did was texting. Yes, I caught him in the act and confronted him about it. It took him 3 days to fully admit that he was wrong. I did not have all the evidence initially but by day 3, after much investigation (and some of you may label is as snooping), the truth was revealed before me in all its glory. Our relationship has gone down hill for the last 2 years or so. Our daily life has become mundane and he said that I have grown distant from him, not meeting his emotional and physical needs. During that period of time, his beloved mother passed away and I wasn't the pillar to he could lean on. I feel like I am partly to be blame and I know that this is not an excuse for him to cheat on me. However, I also realize that because I was being selfish, I pushed him away. Now, I have this feeling that I am thankful that it happened. Why? Because I realize now how much I love him and how much he means to me. I know that our relationship has started to shake but I ignored all the signs. I did not make an effort to show him the love and care that he yearns. But his affair has become a major wake up call for me. There are so many reasons why a man would have an affair and all I have been told is that once a cheater, always a cheater and that is the deal breaker in any relationship. But for me, it saved my relationship. I cannot guarantee that he will not stray again but I know that deep in my heart, this time I am going to do all I can to be there for him. I am giving US, not just him another chance. And I have no resentment towards the OW as well. In fact, I am glad she existed between us, because had it not been for her, I would have lost this man that I cared so much for. Our relationship had improved tremendously and I love him even more each day. He said he has severed all ties with her and that he will be true to me and that he wants us to work things out. I can see from his actions that he is making a great effort. I am just curious to know if anyone out there has ever feel the same? Greatful for his affair and OW..mmmmm.....Nope. No resentment toward the OW and glad she existed between us....mmmmmm...Nope. Am I partly to blame for Mr. Messy's cheating...mmmm....Nope. And by the way I was the one who watched a parent suffer and die and he was the one who left me alone to deal with it. He was the one that wasn't there for me when I needed him the most. He was the one who left me to grieve alone. Maybe I shouldn't have cheated so he could realize what a prize I was. But if this works for you, best of luck.
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 This is all good but is he on the same page as you? Are you sure about that? Trust has to be earned, with time and lots of patience and love. I do hope he is worthy of this chance to prove himself to you. One thing, this isn't your fault. Sure, things may not have been great between you two but HE chose to not talk about it either.. And he chose to cheat. YOU are NOT responsible for his choice to cheat and have an affair. HE let someone else close to him.. What about the OW? Does she love him? Did she or was she hoping he was going to end things with you and be with him? I suggest you talk to her, because he could have been giving her tons of hope that they will be together. Made promises that he could never keep, but told her anyway to keep her in his life. I'm just saying that him ending it and telling you it's over doesn't mean it's completely over. There could be calls, emails, IM's etc, not to get back into the A but because A's are addictive and the habit formed to relying on someone else to give a high (intense feelings that A's bring out in people) could be hard to let go of. Anyway, I wish you luck. Do marriage counselling..Together and apart.
Author hurtinthecity Posted October 22, 2011 Author Posted October 22, 2011 This is all good but is he on the same page as you? Are you sure about that? Trust has to be earned, with time and lots of patience and love. I do hope he is worthy of this chance to prove himself to you. Yes, he is deeply sorry for hurting me and I know that he wants our relationship back. One thing, this isn't your fault. Sure, things may not have been great between you two but HE chose to not talk about it either.. And he chose to cheat. YOU are NOT responsible for his choice to cheat and have an affair. HE let someone else close to him.. He did tell me that he was unhappy with our relationship even before I discovered the affair. He told me flat out that if we want our relationship to work out, I have to make the effort which I neglected to do. He said living with me was like living with a roommate. And yes, looking back, I neglected him in every level because I took him for granted. 8 years together and I thought he would never leave me or that he loved me so much that he can't live without me and that I could do as I please. What about the OW? Does she love him? Did she or was she hoping he was going to end things with you and be with him? The other woman is married. They got together because she was having troubles with her husband and my BF was having troubles with me. I did asked if he loved her, and he said no, but they bonded because they shared the same experience at home. I suggest you talk to her, because he could have been giving her tons of hope that they will be together. Made promises that he could never keep, but told her anyway to keep her in his life. I'm just saying that him ending it and telling you it's over doesn't mean it's completely over. There could be calls, emails, IM's etc, not to get back into the A but because A's are addictive and the habit formed to relying on someone else to give a high (intense feelings that A's bring out in people) could be hard to let go of. I know this OW, although not a close friend but she is in our circle of friends and acquaintances. The fact they they started as friend as later on carried on an emotional affair with each other. He claimed that they never had sex, never kissed, never held hands, never went out. I can tell you that I do not know if it is true, but since I chose to move on, the details and what they did or did not do does not matter to me anymore.
alexandria35 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Meh..It's only been three weeks since you discovered the affair. Your thoughts and feeling are going to change and be all over the place for some time to come. Today you feel thankful for the affair and next month you might be in a murderous rage and packing your bags. Relationships don't heal and recover from infidelity in just 3 weeks, you are just getting started. Your bf must really be enjoying your current state of mind. Here he cheated and you're the one taking blame and being all loving and attentive. Hope he makes the most of it because it isn't likely to last.
FirstNobleTruth Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Yes, I did have some feelings like that shortly after my H's A came to light. I clearly remember the feeling of "waking up," and some optimism about having a new chapter together. Your feelings are not abnormal, and they're probably helpful to you right now. I'm glad you're feeling okay. An affair doesn't have to ruin your life. But I agree with Alex: it's early days for you, and there's likely a lot more feelings ahead for you to work through. There certainly were for me. I would urge you to be open to them, and to respect them as they come, every bit as much as you're respecting what you feel now. You might also consider having a discussion with your BF about the notion that your feelings about his conduct are likely to be all over the place, and for a long time. It's great to look for the positive side of things, but it would be a big mistake to decide that the way you're looking at it now is the way you should always look at it. That leaves no room for growth. I can imagine a guy, who thinks he's off the hook, reacting badly when your feelings naturally turn to sadness, anger, confusion, anger, fear, anger, etc. "Where is this coming from? I thought you were over it! How long are you going to hold this over my head?" You don't deserve to be backed into that corner. You're a wonderful person for taking responsibility for the part you played in your relationship. That doesn't mean he should get a free pass for doing what he did, which was indeed a betrayal of you. Some counseling together would be a great way for both of you to get some perspective on this, as well as on the earlier issues in the relationship, and on why your BF chose to seek solace from someone else instead of working things through with you. I wish you well.
imagine Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 These things I do not understand: After eight years of your relationship you have not married. Marriage is a commitment and promise for both of you. You have not committed emotions to the relationship. While he may be a renter in your relationship (ie. he expects a response), you have been a freeloader (you will take what you can get). Has anybody sinned? Consider the long term impact of marriage.
StoneCold Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 These things I do not understand: After eight years of your relationship you have not married. Marriage is a commitment and promise for both of you. . Why are they "supposed" to get married? Consider the long term impact of marriage. Perhaps they did
Lucky_One Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Wow. Some harsh responses here. Hurtinthecity, I wish you well. I really do. I do believe that sometimes an EMA can be a huge dose of reality to a relationship, and I do not believe that all relationships must end because of infidelity or you are a doormat, or that all relationships that have foundered with infidelity are doomed. I believe it takes a lot of work, a lot of honesty, a lot of communication, and a lot of time. But certainly, yes, relationships may be repaired and may prosper. You very well may get angry later, or sad, or devastated, or vengeful. People's emotions change from hour to hour. But if your BF is fully invested in repairing this huge rift in your R, then those changes in emotion can be weathered. Good luck! (A site that you may want to visit for more sympathetic help towards reconciliation is MarriageBuilders. They also have a forum. There is a wealth of information on that site about affairs, with suggested exercises for both of you. I really, really suggest you give that site a try.)
knitwit Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Hurt, good luck in your reconcilation. I hope it goes well for you. I agree with Lucky_One that MarriageBuilders has a great website with excellent information- Dr Harley has a book, Surviving An Affair, that people who have reconciled recommend a lot. But don't bother with the forums unless you just want to lurk. They will not help you because you are not married. You will be called either a "renter" or a "freeloader" (as has already happened in your thread here). You can get a lot of great info from other parts of the website, but as a poster, the forums aren't likely to be much help at all.
StoneCold Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 You will be called either a "renter" or a "freeloader" (as has already happened in your thread here). is that the newest retarded phenominon? someobody doesnt want to get married so hes a bad person...hes a ...... RENTER lmao
knitwit Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 is that the newest retarded phenominon? someobody doesnt want to get married so hes a bad person...hes a ...... RENTER lmao That is the Marriage Builder terminology- not a "bad person" per se, but not someone who is a "buyer". A "Buyer" is All-In. I actually do agree with the MB breakdown of different types of people in romantic relationships. I just don't agree that marriage is a reliable indicator that someone is "All In". It's neither necessary nor sufficient to indicate/demonstrate committment, faith, care, etc., or at least that's been my observation.
StoneCold Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 I just don't agree that marriage is a reliable indicator that someone is "All In". It's neither necessary nor sufficient to indicate/demonstrate committment, faith, care, etc., or at least that's been my observation. Agreed.... IMHO marriage in and of itself isnt necessarily an indicator of anything.....doesnt prove anything....doesnt guarantee anything....doesnt necessarily bring any more to the table than any other non marital relationship.
nofool4u Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Yes, he is deeply sorry for hurting me and I know that he wants our relationship back. well of course he is. he already got to have his little fun. he can now sit back with a big sigh and think, "whew, got away with that one" He did tell me that he was unhappy with our relationship even before I discovered the affair. He told me flat out that if we want our relationship to work out, I have to make the effort which I neglected to do. so basically he cheats, and its all on you to make the change? I have no doubt that the relationship needed to be worked on. but for him to say you need to change, without any work on his end is asinine. and no, simply not cheating isn't good enough. he has betrayed you and he is the one that needs to bear the brunt of the effort here. I know this OW, although not a close friend but she is in our circle of friends and acquaintances. The fact they they started as friend as later on carried on an emotional affair with each other. He claimed that they never had sex, never kissed, never held hands, never went out. if you believe that I think there are several cheating guys here that would like to date you. he did SOMETHING with her, you can believe that. may not have been sex, but you make it sound like he did NOTHING with her. of course he is going to tell you that so he can hopefully escape consequences.
turnera Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 (A site that you may want to visit for more sympathetic help towards reconciliation is MarriageBuilders. They also have a forum. There is a wealth of information on that site about affairs, with suggested exercises for both of you. I really, really suggest you give that site a try.)I would NEVER send anyone to the MarriageBuilders forum. Never. it is toxic and run by people who have done more harm than all other forums I've been on over the years combined. A better choice would be marriageadvocates.com, which welcomes all views.
Lucky_One Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 (edited) Really? Perhaps there are different people on the forums now than when I used to go there years ago. I still stand behind it as a site with fantastic sources for learning about infidelity and marriage reconciliation. It has specific exercises for working through infidelity, and for making marriages stronger in general, and the ideas behind them seem sound to me. Many people need a plan with specific steps, and this is an easy (and free) place to get it. I went to look at the site you recommend, and it is a forum, albeit a detailed one. Like any forum (LS and MB included), the advice is haphazard due to everyone having their own opinions. You can get some amazingly bad advice on all three. I did notice that there is a thread (6 pages long of posters describing how useful the information on MB is, and how the concepts promoted by Harley saved their marriages or gave them the tools to have successful second marriages). I saw a couple of posts that said that the forums were questionable, although there were some long-term posters there who gave excellent advice. Edited October 26, 2011 by Lucky_One Changing my opinion
turnera Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Oh, don't get me wrong. I use Harley's MATERIAL every single day when I give advice. His advice is nearly spot on. It's the forum that stinks. I've been there a long time, and I have watched a VERY small group of people kind of...take it over. Anyone who dares to say anything that detours from what they want to espouse are swiftly rounded up and kicked out. And repeated - repeated, from MANY MANY people - requests to the founder of the site to look into it go ignored. I guess he likes it that way. The thing I like about MA is that they take the MB material, they also take the theories from places like Divorce Busters, and over the year or two it's been around, the majority of the posters there have come up with a very solid plan that incorporates MB, DB, and other theories for helping with things like infidelity. For example, MA tells men to Plan A for up to 6 months, I think, while those from DB state that, because women have to respect their men to listen to them, kissing up to a cheating wife only makes things worse. So that basic opinion there is that a betrayed husband should gather evidence, confront, expose, and then walk away, do a 180, if she doesn't immediately give up the OM. It's proving much more effective than having a man Plan A his cheating wife.
Lucky_One Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Yeah, a small group of posters can ruin a messsage board. I used to post on Gloryb, and now there is a group there that is insane about attacking new posters as Trolls or BWs in disguise. They pick apart new posts, and if a newbie uses a single word that they deem suspicious, they are merciless. (I remember a new person saying something about her secret cell phone being a "hoor phone" - they crucified her) As a result, the board is dying.
nofool4u Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Yeah, a small group of posters can ruin a messsage board. I used to post on Gloryb why would you post at that scumbag site?
2sunny Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I know this OW, although not a close friend but she is in our circle of friends and acquaintances. The fact they they started as friend as later on carried on an emotional affair with each other. He claimed that they never had sex, never kissed, never held hands, never went out. I can tell you that I do not know if it is true, but since I chose to move on, the details and what they did or did not do does not matter to me anymore. since you may not know all his truth - how can you forgive? how can you completely understand what he expects you to forgive? in a sense - i think you are working from guilt and shame - by owning part of HIS bad behavior - HE CHEATED! why are YOU owning HIS bad behavior? why did you so readily forgive when you don't yet know HIS TRUTH? you need more info - are you THAT desperate to love someone that you don't get ALL his EVIDENCE before making a decision of whether or not to stay or go? HE did it - it is NOT yours to own... yet you do - why? i don't care how much you may have been distracted - that is NO EXCUSE for what HE did! you are letting him off SO EASY! HE WILL DO IT AGAIN!!!!
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