Buttercup84 Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 Some of you know my story , my ex and I were together for almost two years and lived together. He was more keen than I was at first , I am 27 and this was my first serious relationship. He moved pretty fast , even talking about us going on holidays together weeks after we met. I was talking how I always wanted to go to Africa and he said we could go together. I was a bit taken aback as we just met. I never had this attention before or had to deal with being in a relationship.I was single for 25 years , of course I had dates etc but nothing this serious. I even said to him at one point ( after two weeks ) that I am not sure if I feel the same.It was just going so fast.he was treating me really well though. He dropped me off at home but I felt like I didn't want to leave.Even though my feelings were not strong yet , I still wanted him in my life , I still had some sort of feelings for him. From that day I fell hard for him and finally let myself go.But before I was acting a bit distant as I was scared I did tell him later that that was the reason I was acting like that. I hate that he was so keen at first and I wasn't . I get insecure when someone likes me and do not know how to act. So I put a wall up. I was the first to say I love you , and he felt the same. I wasnt a perfect girlfriend but I treated him well and was there for him when times were bad. I just feel so guilty for acting so distant at first , when he was so nice.He became mean to me after a year or so , calling me names and never taking me out anymore as I embaressed him by not eating my entire meal when we went out. I just feel if I acting differently when we met he would have never been like that Sorry for the whinge and being so negative.
ken_25 Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 You have no reason to feel guilty buttercup. It was your first serious relationship and by what you wrote, I really don't see anything you did wrong. It's okay to have your guard up at first, actually it's healthy in my opinion. You became comfortable, fell in love and treated him well. He calls you names, puts you down, is embarrassed because you didn't eat everything on your plate, so he gets upset with you and you think it's because how you first acted at the very beginning of your relationship? No buttercup, this isn't why he started acting like that. He started doing that because he's an ass and didn't appreciate you. He finally showed you his true colors. Do not beat yourself up over this.
marqueemoon4 Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 At least you have a conscience. Seems like a lot of people don't.
ffw Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Hi Buttercup, First, you don't have to apologise. Its starting of another weekend & even my heart is getting a bit heavy. I can understand that it takes time for you to open to other people. We are same in this aspect. I guess, we are afraid of getting emotionally hurt. I can't really express in words. It takes time for us to let someone inside & to show them who we are. Buttercup, you are just focusing on the initial part and not the latter part. Even if you were not distant at the beginning, do you think things could been different later on? I don't think so. Again, you are focussing only on the good parts. He didn't treated you right. You know it. Tell me, what kind of person will call his lover mean names & feel embrass to take her out? This relationship was becoming toxic for you. Not to divert the topic, but even I am coming out of my 1st relationship. It lasted for 4 & 1/2 years. There was nothing in my hand I could have done to prevent what was coming. Anyways, try not to focus on if's & but's. Instead try to focus on yourself & your future. I know its easy said then done. But you really need to move on. Please, dont blame yourself for your initial feelings. Its your natural gift to protect youself. So, when you start a new relationship don't try to do opposite just be yourself. If the person really loves, he will overcome your barrier. Take care. Have a nice weekend.
Surfer Girl Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Buttercup You need to stop analyzing how you think it was your fault.. You fell in love... you gave it your best... Whatever happened in the beginning doesn't matter because you both remained together for a period of time... Don't blame yourself... and put yourself down... You gave everything to this man... and you did not break up with him... It is not your fault... It is not you... but him that has to determine he has problems that he needs to work on... He will most likely carry those characteristics into another relationship that will most likely end again... He does not know what love really is if he is so controlling that he has a problem with you not eating everything on your plate...
Art_Critic Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 By the sounds of it you shouldn't feel guilty.. you didn't do anything wrong... To answer your question... If I have acted in a way to make myself feel guilt then I do a bit of introspection and look at what my place was in it all and I take responsibility for my actions and make amends...
Kageytn Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 This may not help and you might think I'm insane but here it goes. Remember the animal puzzles you used to play with when you were small? They were wood and they had cow pieces, horse pieces, pig pieces etc? I realized this week that I spent my whole relationship with my ex trying to get my cow piece to fit in his horse space. I forced it. I begged it. I cried and forced it some more. It was never going to work. It was nothing I did or he did. We weren't going to work because we were two separate pieces that never were going to fit no matter what. A wise friend told me, after my break up, "He loved you but he was not capable of loving you the way you deserved. It was no one's fault." Buttercup, you could have been perfect and it wasn't going to work. You were trying to keep something going that was dysfunctional. He was a square hole and you were a round hole. It is what it is. Accept you did your very best and it didn't pay off. He didn't respond. He couldn't change. Accept it, learn from it and let it go. Then be the awesome woman you are and find the space that fits you and values you. He didnt. You deserve better.
PrissyDixie Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 I totally agree with everyone, you have nothing to feel guilty over! I think you are searching for a reason an explanation and sometimes things just don't make sense and we want to know so bad the why? sometimes there is no answer and we have to accept that it just is...I still have to remind myself that even if I knew the Why? it wouldn't change what is now...do not beat yourself up! Accept what is and know that tomorrow it all could change again...no matter what the reason is it doesn't make the pain go away...Buttercup, be good to you, you deserve the best and don't settle for less, don't waste your time ~ make the most of it!! (Hugs)
funnyface Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 I just feel so guilty for acting so distant at first , when he was so nice.He became mean to me after a year or so , calling me names and never taking me out anymore as I embaressed him by not eating my entire meal when we went out. Um, what? You have no reason to feel guilty... he had no right to treat you meanly. You are just analyzing the relationship too much and looking for what you could have done differently. I did the same thing... women sometimes I guess just want to "fix" things so badly, so they look for reasons or what they could have done differently. I've done it too. Please don't get trapped in that place. You seem like a really great person, and I don't think you didn't do anything badly at all. Hugs, have a great weekend!
fucpcg Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 I... GET... IT...! My ex dumped me, after me being so not great to her. Why not? Honestly, I just didn't realize what I was doing to her. Different kinda story, but same issue... she was a trainwreck and had an alcohol problem when we started dating. Great girl when sober, but a disaster when drinking or hung over. I split with her after two months of trying to help make a better life for her and her kids. When I did, she went crazy about it. Begged me to get back together, told me how sorry she was for everythi g she did wrong, swore she didn't want party life anymore, etc. After bout two weeks I gave her another chance, when she pledged to never touch alcohol again. We had a few minor bumps after that, but she really changed her life around for me, for us. Problem was, after such a brutal start, and bumps after that, I at times was really, really hard on her. If we had an issue, I didn't just think bout issue, I flashed back to all the horrible things since day 1. This girl however, over about a years time turned into the most amazing woman I had ever shared time with in my 40 years, while I was still reflecting on the alcohol addict I first dated. One day after snapping on her, and honestly she acted improperly, she walked on me. Her improperness warranted a discussion for sure, but I went off like it was everything wrong since day 1 again. She has refused to speak to me since. Told me how terrible I had acted to her, and that I didn't deserve for her to ever speak to me again. I know I was amazing boyfriend to her, and raised her kids like my own, but she is right when I lost my temper I was very ugly with her. Not nasty, I don't call people names. But once again, reeatedly punishing her for everything since day 1. I can't forgive myself. I've been thru endless counseling with friends, family, and professionals. All are quick to point out to me that she did get much wrong herself, but all I can think about is what I got wrong with her. It hurts me to know this girl really tried so hard to turn life around for me, and I blasted little mistakes instead of commenting on how well she did for herself, for us, for her kids. How do you feel better? I still don't know, 9 months later. I can share a quote: the only mistakes you make in life are the ones you do not learn from. One more quote: where a bone breaks, it heals back stronger. If he wanted to, he coukd use this opportunity to come back stronger with you. My ex could use to come back stronger with me. Both chose not to. We will both be better people after this, you and i, as we both honestly wanted to take responsibility for our mistakes, and to learn from them. It is a shame we had to mistakes that hurt our hearts in the process, but as someone told me "if that mistake hurts you that much, it shows how big your heart is, and that alone makes you a much better person than most out there. If she can't see how big your heart is now, then she hasn't learned yet what a good hearted person is". Yes there is shame on us, but we have big hearts. We do have something to be proud of, but it still hurts, I know.
M2155 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Read this, it's off topic but somewhat inspirational. Nothing else in my life has turned out the way I planned I don't know why I'm suprised when love doesn't either. http://www.owningpink.com/blogs/owning-pink/it-s-not-going-to-turn-out-the-way-you-thought
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