beancounter999 Posted May 18, 2004 Posted May 18, 2004 Ok, so my heart's been broken before, but I'm having an especially hard time with this one, and haven't been able to find any resources that really addresses my situation. I will try to make this as short as possible. M was my co-worker and friend for four years before we started dating. We took things slowly and he did not meet my son, nor did we sleep together for months. He showered me with attention. Flowers, phone calls, emailed me songs, made me CDs, videos, he seemed to be the perfect man. He told me things that nobody else ever had. He made me feel like the most wonderful woman in the world. My walls quickly came down and I fell in love with M. He was my best friend, my soul mate, everything I could have ever wanted. After about a year of dating bliss, things started to go downhill. He seemed moody, angry and resentful toward me. He was always threatening to break up with me. Nothing seemed to make him happy. He told me was depressed and to just bare with him. I did my best but things became progressively worse. He stopped coming over to see me. He'd make excuses. He told me I was too controlling and was suffocating him. We went from seeing each other 5 nights a week to one night a week. I was confused, but every time I started to pull away, he would lay on the charm and plead with me to stick by his side. His grandmother, who had raised him, was dying of cancer, and I could not leave the man I loved when he was going through such a tragedy. He became verbally abusive. He kept his children from me. He would call and seem to just pick fights. He would tell me horrible things. He never loved me. He just felt sorry for me. He never wanted to see me again. If I became upset or started to cry, he would mock me or say even worse things. He would kick me when I was down with his words. My whole life started to revolve around M. My day was determined by what kind of mood he was in. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time. I tried to do everything I could not to upset him. I thought he was truly depressed because of his anger and stood by him. I could never tell him how I felt without him becoming angry. He broke up with me all the time. And then a couple days would go by and he would call crying, telling me how messed up he was and that he really loved me. He would tell me that he wanted the best for me, he was no good. I kept letting him back in. My days were filled with anxiety. I jumped whenever the phone rang. I never knew what kind of call it would be. Whether he would break up with me again. I wanted out but felt helpless, like he had complete control over me. I convinced myself that he really loved me. Otherwise, why would he keep begging me to come back? Why would he call me several times a day just to make contact. And then, around 2 years into this, I found out he was cheating on me with his ex-wife. I broke it off with him. First he lashed out and blamed it on me. He had never loved me, always loved her, wanted out for a long time, etc. Then he started in with the pleading. He wrote long, heart-wrenching emails. He became the person he was in the beginning once again. He bought me an engagement ring and asked me to marry him. He promised me that he would go to counseling, he would do anything for me. I bought it. I took him back. Things were okay for a couple of months, then the verbal abuse started again. He had never wanted to marry me. I had manipulated him into it because he was afraid to lose me. He never wanted to marry me or live with me. He wanted the ring back. He couldn't afford it. When we were arguing, he would forward excerpts of my emails to his ex and they would discuss what "was wrong with me." I stopped associating with my family and friends. I was completely humiliated that I was so weak. I felt helpless to get out. And yet I kept remembering the person that he was for the first year. Hoping that guy would come back. And M kept assuring me that he would. Just stick by him. The breakups and reconciliations continued. My self-esteem was gone. I would panic at the thought of him leaving me. I cried and begged when he threated to break things off. I apologized and took responsibility for everything. I was too needy. My expectations were too high. I was too dependent on him, etc, etc. Three weeks ago, I took my mother and son on our first vacation ever to Disney in Orlando. The second day I was there he called and told me that he never wanted to see me again. He was sick of my "conduct". He was tired of being controlled and was cutting the apron strings. He never wanted to sleep with me or make love to me again. He said that I was ruining the relationship he had with his children, because his ex didn't like me therefore, was making things harder for him. He said he did not want to wait until I returned from my vacation because he figured we could both use the week to forget about each other. I was devastated. I knew he was a jerk, but I never would believe that he would ruin my vacation with my family. When I returned, I did something shameless. He had long ago given me his email password to check it once when he was out of town. I read his email and found out that he had been seeing somebody for months behind my back. I also found out that he was having relations with his ex-wife from the very beginning of our relationship! The year that I thought was so wonderful was not even real! Their emails were signed with "I love you" throughout our whole relationship. When I confronted him he told me that he had done nothing wrong. He had never felt our relationship would make it, therefore, he did nothing wrong. He knew that if he told me how he really felt that I would get mad (of course!) I asked him why he kept begging me to go back. He said he was just having weak moments, and always regretted it. To add insult to injury, he is still being cruel even after the break-up. He is sending mean emails to me, and is acting as though he hates the fact that I even exist on this earth. He tells me how relieved he is to be without me and that he is seeing somebody else and is finally happy. I feel like he simply disposed of me like he would trash, and any reminder of me makes him angry. Now, I know you're thinking that I should be glad to be rid of this scumbag. The problem I'm having is that I'm having a real hard time understanding how my judgment could have been so clouded. How could I let someone completely manipulate me like that? I feel like everything I thought I knew was not real. My life the past 2 and a half years has been based on lies. I have a hard time understanding how somebody can completely crush somebody's spirit and just walk away? I feel like I have no idea who I am anymore. I gave everything I had to a narcissistic con-artist. I feel like he robbed me of my very soul. I understand that I need to focus on me and not him in order to get better, but I'm having a very hard time doing that. I feel like I've been raped - only emotionally, instead of physically. I want relief and I want to help myself, but I don't know how. Help.
bluechocolate Posted May 18, 2004 Posted May 18, 2004 I wanted out but felt helpless, like he had complete control over me. He did. I asked him why he kept begging me to go back. He said he was just having weak moments and it was a very good method to maintain control over you. He was always threatening to break up with me. Controlling behavior and anger can very easily be mistaken for each other. Many times people will become so good at concealing their controlling behavior that we just think they’re angry. When they’re really mad because they feel they are not manipulating you enough, or losing control of you. It can become a very fine line, and sometimes almost impossible to discern between the two. There are many more abusive relationships, that stay at the emotional and verbal stages and never get reported. Even the ones that go on to isolation and intimidation are rarely reported to anyone for intervention. This can be the worse kind of control, and the worse kind of abuse. It’s kind of a limbo, a life of living under threats, name calling, blaming, ridicule, mind games, jealousy, sarcasm, isolation, and whatever else one partner can think of to keep the other under control. I lifted those two paragraphs from http://members.tripod.com/~Howland/Controlling_Behavior.htm It's rather long winded but there are some very educative bits. Some bits certainly helped me to understand more fully how women, and some men, allow themselves to get caught up in twisted relationships like this. I have a hard time understanding how somebody can completely crush somebody's spirit and just walk away? That's his problem, not yours. Don't waste any more time & energy thinking about him. I feel like he robbed me of my very soul. He got nothing. He wasn't sophisticated enough to be thinking of your soul. He was too busy thinking about himself. Forget about him. Don't talk to him. Ever. Change your phone numbers. Move address if that makes you feel better. I hope there are girls & young women out there reading your post & thinking about some of their boyfriends behaviour. Personally I believe that if my partner threatened to break up with me numerous times, regardless of their circumstances, I would have called it quits after break up number two. Once you were smitten he had you. The mood swings. Staying away. The break ups. The pleading. You saw the warning signs, but then there was always a perfectly reasonable excuse for his behaviour and you soldiered on waiting for things to get better. You know now they never were. Pity the women who find themselves with partners like this & two children & no job. How much harder it must be to walk away! As sad & hurt as you came across you already sound like you're on the mend. There is lots of info out there to help you & many people who understand, empathise & care. You will get better. My heart goes out to you.
allheart Posted May 18, 2004 Posted May 18, 2004 [color=red][font=arial]WoW! I can truly see how you could feel this way and I am so sorry (you're right) this scumbag ever entered your life. I'm sorry if reading that hurts you, but your question is 'how did this happen'....well....#1, because you loved him and in the beginning, (as relationships are) things were magical, exciting, fresh, and new. #2...he kept begging you to take him back and (being the good person you are) you kept believing in him. #3...it really is true that we 'teach' people how to 'treat' us, i.e...he kept doing it over and over because he knew he could, that's what you taught him. (I'm sorry, I know that is painful to hear) But that was then and this is now. Your eyes have been forever opened and as Maya Angelou often says..."when we know better...we do better" and you definitely know better now, right? Right! Learn from this excruciatingly painful process and g r o w. I realize that is so much easier said than done, but every step you take away from him is a step in the right direction. Why is he continually emailing you? Can you block him and not accept his emails? If so, you should. You can also consider reporting him to the authorities if this keeps up as it could be viewed as harassment. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Remember, you loved this man deeply. He made you feel so wonderful, unlike anything you have ever known. You had no way to know how poor his character was and no reason (in the beginning) to believe he was lying to you. He has taken so much from you, you simply cannot allow him to keep taking. Will cutting him out of your life completely be simple or painless? Of course not...but you must tell yourself everyday that YOU are the true and SOLE owner of your SOUL. Again, I am so sorry you are hurting. If you need extra support during this time, get it. Do whatever it takes to move on with your life and move him completely out of it. God Bless You! You seem like a very intelligent and strong woman and I know you will make it![/font][/color]
Author beancounter999 Posted May 18, 2004 Author Posted May 18, 2004 Thanks so much bluechocolate and allheart. I was surprised at how healing it was just to post my story, and reading your replies are very helpful. Just to know I'm not alone helps. I do want to help myself, and I am trying to let him go. I think I'm trying to make logic out of an irrational situation. I know there are stages of grief, and we sometimes bounce back and forth between them. I thought I had made some progress but when I went to work yesterday I felt anxiety and panic all day. I did not get any work done. This morning I started to panic again at the thought of going to work, so I called in sick. I cried half the day - which is much more than usual. I'm afraid this is going to affect my job, but I don't know how to overcome it. I was at work when I learned that our relationship was based on lies, and that is where I receive his emails, so my guess is that is why I get so upset at work. I'm starting to feel anxious now just talking about it (sigh). Emotions sure are complicated, aren't they? Like you said bluechocolate, it could have been worse. We didn't get married or live together, have any children together, and I was not financially dependent on him at all. My heart really goes out to those who aren't so lucky. I can make a clean break. Thanks again. It helps so much to talk about it.
FreeMe Posted May 19, 2004 Posted May 19, 2004 Your story sounds like what I went through with my ex-boyfriend. He didn't cheat but there was plenty of betrayal in other forms. He did the same thing except I don't think he was as sadistic as the guy you've been with. The emotional turmoil you've been in however, is exactly what I went through. I got on medication for the anxiety and you wouldn't believe how much it helped. I was able to let go - I told him not to call me, email me, or try to see me and I was able to relax for the first time in almost 3 years. Then I started seeing what I had allowed him to do to me - to destroy my self-esteem and self-respect, to batter me emotionally, to belittle me, to give up my whole self - everything was about him. As you said, YOUR day depended on HIS mood. I remember one situation where we were working on the house I had just bought. He had yelled and screamed at me all day long. If I handed him a tool, I handed it to him the wrong way. If I was trying to get something else done, I should be standing there watching him (and I guess worshipping him for his pure genius at adding in a light switch). At one point, he asked what the plan for the rest of the day was and the first thing I said was that I needed to stop and get something to eat. He belittled me for wanting to stop and EAT! Because apparently he was a superhuman who could work for 18 hours and not eat anything and I guess that just made him so much better than me! What an ass. I think of these things now and I wonder why I didn't just walk out, get in my car, and go get myself something to eat? I was less than a doormat and I allowed it. When I finally got him out of my life and didn't have to deal with hearing from him anymore, I appreciated every little thing in my life - just taking a breath was pleasant without him around. I would suggest you tell him not to email you or you will report him to someone at work and get him blocked from your email, not to call and if he doesn't stay away you'll get a restraining order. Then get yourself to a counselor, get into therapy, and possibly consider medication - usually they say you should stay on it for at least 6 months. I was able to get off the meds after about 8 months. Good luck. PM me if you want. Believe me, you are so much better off without this guy. You've got to think of it as a narrow escape - you could have been married to this abusive, sadistic a**hole.
Author beancounter999 Posted May 19, 2004 Author Posted May 19, 2004 Thanks freeme, for your reply. It helps to hear that others have gone through similar situations and survived! I understand what you mean when you say, " when I think of these things now and I wonder why I didn't just walk out, get in my car, and go get myself something to eat? I was less than a doormat and I allowed it." It's like you're in so much disbelief that you're being treated so badly that you try to block it out and focus only on the good. This is day 5 of no contact and I am really starting to see how badly things were. How miserable I really was. I know it will only get better. I feel like I am "unbrainwashing" myself. When you spend 2 or 3 years with your entire life revolving around HIM and HIS moods and HIS feelings, then it's really hard to suddenly have no contact. I have been focused on HIM and how HE feels for so long that I don't even know how to think about myself. I am reading a lot about narcissistic people, and I truly believe that he is a narcissist, and your ex probably was as well. For some reason, it helps me to believe that. See? I'm still focusing on him. Yikes! I will follow up on your advice regarding medication for anxiety, and I am starting therapy next week. I never want to do this to myself again. Thanks for your support and I am happy to hear that your life is better now. I hope others read these postings and, if in a similar situation, don't waste years on these abusers.
FreeMe Posted May 19, 2004 Posted May 19, 2004 You are right on with everything you said above - it IS like unbrainwashing yourself and you do lose yourself. Luckily my mother was always there for me. She had gone through it with my father - but it was due to alcoholism - and she had so many insights. It still took ME having to be ready to end it, but having support is so important. A good book you might want to read is either Codependent No More or something else on Codependency. The book I just mentioned deals with alcoholism, but there are many parallels. Also, it's got a little too much about God, or a higher power for me. I don't find that kind of thing helpful. However, it was a useful book and showed me more of the role I played in perpetuating the situation. If you need a sounding board, pm me anytime. FreeMe
uriel Posted May 20, 2004 Posted May 20, 2004 I went through something similar. I'm sorry to hear your story. I've found help in the work of Steven Carter (Men Who Can't Love). I've often thought to myself that the most difficult part of this experience was forgiving myself. It's tough to do after you've been down that slippery slope toward rock bottom emotional abuse. Dr. Steven Carter has an expert column at power-surge.com, btw, that you might like to read -- the archives are enlightening: http://www.power-surge.com/cgi-bin/ask_experts/archive.cgi?relationships. You might also like to take a look at Tracy Cabot's online guide to letting go of just this type of relationship: http://www.loveadvice.com/CAT1.HTM. Take care --uriel
LILUIL Posted May 20, 2004 Posted May 20, 2004 I'm going through some hard times myself in my 'love life' Got this book "Avoiding Mr Wrong, and what to do if you didnt" by Stephen Afterburn Sounds like a book that smacks the male species but its not. Its about 10 characters common in men.... and us women. I learnt a lot about my self and my so-called mate when i read this. Now im moving on to his second book, How to find mr right < i think thats the title... you are a darling who has put up with all his bull***t. sorry to say. he does not deserve a generous and smart woman like you. no matter how he's gonna beg anymore, dont give him the benefit of another chance to hurt you. i dont even see a point in him contacting you anymore coz all he wants is to make you into a bashing post. i'd have to agree with the others in saying block him out on emails, change your number etc. "no man is worth your tears. The one who is worth your tears will not make you cry" you take care.
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