evilla24 Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 I have a wonderful girl who I have known for about 8 months now and we have been together for about 4 months now. Before me she was with her ex for 5 years...they broke up a year ago but after the breakup they kept contact and kept sort of dating until I came along.... she told me all of her problems with him and they were alot. After we got together she didnt really tell him even though he was still in contact with him and when he found out he went pretty furious but eventually accepted it. He gave her back all of his stuff but she kept everything he ever gave her. They also still talk about once a month. He was her first real relationship. I am soo in love with her and we spend alot of time together...I have helped with some family issues and I try to be the best bf I can be and shes wonderful but she also seems a bit uninterested sometimes like I am just a friend...she says she loves me but I am not sure if she means it... she has alot on her mind with her family..school and work.... I am not sure if she still has feelings for her ex...I feel like I am a little more into her than she is into me...I just wanted to know what I should do. 1 minute ago - 4 days left to answer. Also he had deleted her off her facebook...then some days ago she added him... and when he had a picture up with a friend of his that was a girl she unfriended him and blocked him. Is that a bad sign?
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 She isn't over him. This doesn't mean she's getting back together with him, but it certainly means she still has feelings..And that's natural, it takes a while to completely get over someone, especially after 5 years. It's up to you but I would be honest with her and let her know how you feel, what your fears are and let her know that you aren't sure she feels the same about you that you feel for her.
Author evilla24 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 I actually have an update on my situation and I would like to know your opinion if thats ok. I actually proposed to this girl and she is now my fiancee.... her birthday was last weekend and her ex called her at night. THe day after I called him to tell him to stay away from her and not call her anymore. He was obviously angry and just said he could do whatever he wanted and that he was just saying happy birthday to his friend. Then I found out through a friend that she had called him 2 days before her birthday and she called him the night that I called him and "apologized" for me calling him. She also told that friend of ours that she really liked me but that she cant help to compare me to her ex all the time... and that shes not sure about what to do.. that she didn't wanna say goodbye to her ex and that me and him are total opposites and I dont really compare to him...that there is soo much history between them that its hard to forget. What do I do? What does this mean?? thanks for any advice
Eddie Edirol Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 This means that if you go through with the engagement, and actually plan a wedding, she will stand you up at the altar. Im sure she told you she dumped him, but I think he dumped her for some reason. She isnt over him, she got with you to get over him, and youre not working. Especially when she is still in contact with him. Heres the real deal. She is holding on to hope that they might work out again one day. She is NOT in love with you, at all. You are a stepping stone, but she continues to step backwards. WHen you felt her being pensive, its because shes still thinking about him. She might even be thinking about him when you have sex with her. Dump her now before you get seriosly hurt. Its gonna take at least another year of her NOT talking to him to get over him and be ready to date. SO while she is with you, she wont get over him. You were supposed to sweep her off her feet, to make he3r forget, and it didnt work. Right now youre a place holder so she doesnt have to deal with being alone, to become seriously depressed. Even worse, if she was dumped, she might be using you to make him want her again, and its working! Theres no way for you to win with this. You cant marry her while she is sneaking around talking to him. She will dump you for him if he gives her the chance. An engagement ring isnt going to make her stop WANTING to talk to him, it doesnt work like that. Its not going to make her fall for you, you need to let her go now.
The Way I Am Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 I agree with almost everything Eddie Edirol said above. The only thing I disagree on is that you should first talk to her about what her friend told you and how her continued contact with her ex makes you feel. The chances are that she'll be wishy-washy, cry, and try to make you not want to break up with her. But you should at least give her the opportunity to explain and stop her behavior. Not so much for her, but for yourself. If you just break up with her, you'll never know for sure if talking to her about it would have changed anything. But if you talk to her first, and it doesn't work out, you'll know you did everything you possibly could have and gave her the chance to help make your relationship work. If in your talk, she doesn't fully acknowledge that her behavior is wrong and agree to take action to change it and make you feel more loved, then you'll know you're right breaking up with her.
Author evilla24 Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 (edited) Well we still have not had sex yet, she said she would rather wait for marriage...but he was her first and only so far... And I am not sure what to believe honestly, I love her so much.. I know weve only been together for 4 months and they were together for 5 years but this feels like the real deal. I mean they broke up a year ago...but they have not stopped talking at all. They actually kept dating until I got with her. Edited November 10, 2011 by evilla24
USCGAviator Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 I'm not understanding how you could want to marry a girl that obviously has feeling for someone else. Perhaps your in a hurry to know what a divorce is like.
Emilia Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Well we still have not had sex yet, she said she would rather wait for marriage...but he was her first and only so far... And I am not sure what to believe honestly, I love her so much.. I know weve only been together for 4 months and they were together for 5 years but this feels like the real deal. I mean they broke up a year ago...but they have not stopped talking at all. They actually kept dating until I got with her. DO NOT marry a girl who had sex with someone else but would not sleep with you. This means she isn't attracted to you and you will have a miserable marriage, a short one too. If they kept dating that means they weren't broken up when you met her.
D87 Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Guys stop responding to a troll! What the heck is wrong with you all. Nobody is that dumb to marry a girl who after 4 month dating won't have sex with you and is still talking to her ex and most likely banging him. I think mods should exercise the ban options more here, there are at least 3-4 troll threads on every page in every section. This is up there with "does a vagina get stale after 40 years" thread. Where are the mods? This forum is turning into a joke.
USCGAviator Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 DO NOT marry a girl who had sex with someone else but would not sleep with you. This means she isn't attracted to you and you will have a miserable marriage, a short one too. If they kept dating that means they weren't broken up when you met her. Exactly! At the very least she's still sleeping with him. You need to open your eyes about whats really going on here.
Mrlonelyone Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 (edited) @ The Original Poster (OP) Be very suspicious of this woman. She may well be screwing around, or she may just be conflicted. She could end up doing this to you when the exbf shows up and says please baby please. Guys stop responding to a troll! What the heck is wrong with you all. Nobody is that dumb to marry a girl who after 4 month dating won't have sex with you and is still talking to her ex and most likely banging him. I think mods should exercise the ban options more here, there are at least 3-4 troll threads on every page in every section. This is up there with "does a vagina get stale after 40 years" thread. Where are the mods? This forum is turning into a joke. People who have very old fashioned values may not see that as a red flag. Some people take the concept of the born again virgin really serious. (Who usually has only sworn off sex with you.) This is not an obvious troll. Edited November 10, 2011 by Mrlonelyone
Author evilla24 Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 Ok this is all very confusing for me, so what should I do?? I mean I love her soo damn much and shes wonderful and I really doubt she is screwing around...we spend alot of time together.... Her friend also told me that her ex told her that after I called him he didnt wanna come between me and her so maybe they shouldn't talk but she insisted to keep contact and that she would hate it if they stopped talking... She acts like she loves me back ...but I am not sure if she really feels that way...isnt there a chance of her forgetting about him and completely giving me everything??
Mrlonelyone Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 evilla here's the thing. No one every really knows how they feel about these things. The emotions that control who we love are mediated on a deep and unconcious level. While how we act on them is under on control, that does not change the basic emotions. What I am saying is, she really does not know how she feels. There are no guarantee's in these things, so just do whatever your gut tells you. I'll bet your gut is telling you something is very wrong, or you would not be here asking.
The Way I Am Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 (edited) She acts like she loves me back Does she really? It doesn't sound like it. Her actions are that she’s actively seeking out contact with her ex even though she should know it hurts you. Apparently he's even trying to do the right thing (which she should be doing for the sake of your relationship) and break off contact with her, but she's so fixated on him, she isn't willing to let go. Also there’s this: but she also seems a bit uninterested sometimes like I am just a friend How is that acting like she loves you? Do you really think she acts like she loves you? Or are you just grasping at straws trying to justify staying with her? but I am not sure if she really feels that way When you love someone enough to want to marry them, that person should not be questioning how you feel. It’s clear that you love her (though it’s debatable based on how it’s making you feel whether that love is healthy). If somebody asked her “does evilla24 love you?”, would she say that she’s not sure? Or would she know for certain because you show her. When you love someone enough to marry them, there should be no question in that person’s mind of how you feel. Conversely, if you aren’t sure if someone loves you, you shouldn’t marry them. isnt there a chance of her forgetting about him and completely giving me everything?? Never, ever go into a relationship, especially marriage, hoping that things will change for the better eventually. Yeah, there is a tiny chance it might possibly get better if the stars align properly and the universe is on your side. But most often, things change for the worse. Women are most notorious for trying to use marriage (and children) to change their failing relationships for the better. If a female friend asked you if she should marry a man who was taking to other women and making her feel as insecure about their relationship as you are, what would you advise her to do? What if a male friend was in your position? What would you tell him? Do you think getting married would fix the relationship problems? It seems like you're just a tool she uses to make herself feel better, because she can’t be with her ex. She probably has some affection for you and a sense of obligation and guilt from knowing how good you’ve been to her and how wrong she’s been treating you in return. It doesn’t sound like love, and you don’t sound like a person who feels loved. If this how you want to feel for the rest of your life? Is she really making you happy? You don’t seem very happy. Edited November 10, 2011 by The Way I Am
Author evilla24 Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 I understand everything you guys are saying and I really appreciate your advice. So you guys think I am a rebound and that I am taking things way too fast? right? I see now that for example on facebook (i know it sounds dumb but you know now days things are like this) I had "engaged" as my status way before she even had in a relationship.... also my profile pic was of us way before she had hers... she also added him on fb and I had to tell her to delete him and block him..which she did... and she also still has pictures of them still together in her albums as well as some of the stuff he gave her..... He named a star after her and she has that framed over her bed along with other things he gave her.... She is always busy with school and work and sometimes seems depressed and not really 100% happy At first I thought that her ex was the one harrassing her...but now I see that she is also not letting go.... But.... what is the next step?? what should I do?
Ilovewater Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Why did you rush to get engaged so early, especially when your relationship is unstable? Is it possible that you wanted to get engaged so that you make sure that she's "yours"? What are you hoping to get out of being engaged to her? If I were you, I'd re-evaluate this relationship. You're giving 100% to the relationship, and she's giving maybe 50% at best. Is that the kind of relationship that you want? Please do not get married in hope that she'll develop stronger feelings for you. Both people need to be equally committed before entering a marriage or it's never going to last. She is still not completely over her ex. She may say she loves you, but her actions don't show it. Don't believe in her words. Watch her actions instead. This girl hasn't done anything to show that she's really into you.
RiverRunning Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Oh Good Lord. 4 months in to be engaged is quick in a stable relationship, and insane in one that's unstable. Here are the red flags in increasing order: 1. She's still in contact with her ex. 2. She and the ex were basically still dating until you came along, even if they 'officially' broke up a year ago. 3. She compares you to him and tells her friends this. #1 is, in my book, enough to let go of her. I've said it in other threads. There are some folks who can manage to not have feelings for an ex and carry on a strictly platonic relationship, but it is ALWAYS a red flag. Why? They were physically attracted to that person once, and that's not going to go away when they broke up (most of the time, anyway). They had enough in common to date for any significant length of time. I am a firm believer in no-contact after a break-up, at the very least, for these very reasons. Too many people want to transition from 'boyfriend' and immediately into 'friend' and it just doesn't work. There needs to be a significant length of time of no-contact. And usually, after people take that time...they find they might be curious about the ex's life every now and then, but not enough to get in contact. Keeping an ex around is reason for justifiable concern when a new partner comes along. One of my closest friends will -never- get over her ex of a few months, Ahnah, from 5 years ago because she refuses to move on. Ahnah now has another girlfriend. My friend got drunk and hung out with them, then started patting Ahnah's arm and face and asked ME if Ahnah's girlfriend would perceive that as a 'friendly' gesture. No, it will never be perceived as 'friendly.' First and foremost, the two are exes, not friends. History repeats itself. If you keep that person around and you keep them close, especially, it's bound to stir up some memories of the 'good times.' I think you need to bail. My boyfriend put me through this and to this day I feel some resentment and anger toward him. I regret that I put so much into our relationship when he was still looking in a mirror back at her. It was totally unacceptable and it was incredibly cruel to put me through that. An ex is almost never 'just' an ex or 'just' a friend. Keep that in mind. It will serve you well in the future as you leave this relationship and look for someone who isn't looking back. If you marry this girl, you will be divorced within a few years, guaranteed.
The Way I Am Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 So you guys think I am a rebound and that I am taking things way too fast? right? Absolutely. and she also still has pictures of them still together in her albums as well as some of the stuff he gave her..... He named a star after her and she has that framed over her bed along with other things he gave her.... Yep. Not over him. She's holding onto the pictures and trinkets, because she's emotionally holding onto the person. At first I thought that her ex was the one harrassing her...but now I see that she is also not letting go.... A lot of people try to blame contact with their ex on the ex. That way, they keep the new person on a string as well as get sympathy for being "harassed". But with a few exceptions, those people are capable of ending the contact if they wanted to. But.... what is the next step?? what should I do? Talk to her. Tell he that her continued contact with her ex makes you feel uncomfortable. Ask for her help in strengthening your relationship. If she agrees to help, ask her to stop contacting him and put away the reminders of him. (Those are not big things to ask for, so don’t let her convince you they are.) Then you make sure she follows through with the things she promises to do and see if she starts making you feel more secure and loved in your relationship. If that doesn’t happen, it’s probably time to get out. After you’ve told her how her contact with her ex makes you feel, if at any point she refuses to give up the ex or you have to argue with her about whether she should be able to continue contact with him or why she should, it shows she’s not invested in making your relationship work. End the conversation, and tell her you need to think. Then leave and do just that. Consider whether she’s really worth continuing your life this way.
neghitzbrah Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Evilla. Maybe this is the answer you are looking for. I will explain to you my situation which is very similar to yours. In fact, when I read I thought you were, LITERALLY, my ex's new boyfriend. So, to lay it all out, my ex started talking to this dude about a month after we stopped seeing each other. Our relationship lasted for 5 years. She still reached out to me, but I pushed back and ignored her and tried to get over her. She kept wanting to hang out with me and always called me, etc... In the meanwhile, she was continuing talking to this guy. I had the utmost confidence that nothing would happen between them 2. She asked me to go to her birthday in the city, and I declined. Next thing I know, after her birthday, she is in a relationship with this guy. I have never lived so much regret since then. A couple of months into the relationship, we reach out to each other. Texts become phone calls. Phone calls become hourly long phone calls. Phone call becomes a meet up. Then she cheated on her boyfriend with me. After that we agreed not to see each other. Now guess whose reaching out to me again?! She has a vacation planned with this guy, and theyre all serious and ****. Apparently... pfft. Anyways, she always told me that I'm better in bed than him, better looking blah blah. Enough stuff to boost my ego. But then she also said that he does stuff I didn't do like "treat her right" and all that crap. She says he does things that remind her of me. And that she talks about me a lot. In fact, this guy knew that she was talking to me, but still kept on dating her. Now I am thinking, wtf is wrong with this guy? Anyways, I had enough respect that I told I cannot talk to her anymore while she is with her man. That was that. And she still contacts me, HA! Long story short, my ex girlfriend is unstable, hasn't moved on, but likes to believe she does. She's still the same old girl who I dated for 5 years. Do yourself a favor evilla, you don't want to be with this girl. She probably did things she isn't willing to admit to you. End it before you get hurt.
Author evilla24 Posted November 11, 2011 Author Posted November 11, 2011 Right...I get what you guys are saying but in the end and the bottom line is that if she REALLY loved him she would be with him....no? Shes with me so shes gotta love me more right??
Niagara Falls Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Right...I get what you guys are saying but in the end and the bottom line is that if she REALLY loved him she would be with him....no? Shes with me so shes gotta love me more right?? to be honest thats not true. she could still love him more. she wants to move on but you came too soon. you need to drop the marriage it was way too early, even by normal standards. i wouldnt be surprised if she had cheated on you once or even twice with him. its a huge red flag that she had sex with him but now "wants to wait for marriage" that is not a real thing unless your religious. theres no way you lose your virginity then decide that for the sake of a relationship. shes doing it because A) doesnt want to complicate your relationship with sex if she gets the chance to go back to him B) is still having sex with him. she is unstable and it is very common for unstable girls like this to trick themselves into believing that she is, for lack of better wording, less of a slut, by only having sex with one man, even if it isnt the one shes dating. you need to drop the marriage and talk to her about all of this. find out if shes having an affair, she may admit it openly. this is a serious problem and you should be ready to even dump her and let her know that if shes not telling you what shes hiding. dont just let it slide because you think you love her. it will hurt a lot more when the problem finds you than if you find the problem yourself.
Author evilla24 Posted November 11, 2011 Author Posted November 11, 2011 Wow... I never thought about any of this... but then WHY BE WITH ME??? that still doesnt make sense.... I mean it seemed like he still loves her and wants her....if anything it almost seems like shes the one thats not making the move since shes with me... He asked her if she was sure about what she was doing and she didnt answer.... he told her that he wanted her back and she dodnt say anythign back either..she just told him that she feels like hes jsut saying that because shes with someone else now... so shes with me for a reason ...right??
Ilovewater Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Right...I get what you guys are saying but in the end and the bottom line is that if she REALLY loved him she would be with him....no? Shes with me so shes gotta love me more right?? Do you really think she loves you more when it's evident that she always thinks about her ex? No.... Just because she's with you doesn't mean she loves you more. She couldn't be with you because she can't be with her ex or that it's easier to be with you than to be alone. Or, it could be more convenient to be with you. There are many reasons why a person would stay with someone even he/she is not in love. If she were in love with you, she wouldn't even care about her ex-boyfriend. But, she does care about him...a lot.
Jane2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Break up with her. If she's saying things like..."he (you) doesn't compare to my ex," she doesn't love you. I don't know how you can seriously stay in this. I understand liking her, but it seems to me that being in love with someone has to entail at least a minimum amount of reciprocity. She's just using you. Please break up with her. You can get over it, but you have to start right away and weather the storm (of pain) for a few weeks before you're strong again. Don't let this girl do this to you. She is selfish and cruel and doesn't seem to mind messing with other people's emotions. Don't marry someone like that.
Author evilla24 Posted November 11, 2011 Author Posted November 11, 2011 I spoke to her friend again and told her everything that Ive been thinking..and she sort of agreed with you guys...she said that she asked her why shes with me and not her ex and she said that Ive been great as a friend...and that Ive been there for her..specially recently since she has gone through alot of personal problems... and that she just couldn't give her ex what he deserved right now... the day he found out about me and her he gave her a ring he had given her back..and she told her friend she had kept it still.... and that she doesnt know what our relationship is yet but that I am taking it a little too serious..specially because I almost tattooed her name on my back.
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