Prettyinblack Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 I am a 45 year old woman, in love with a wonderful man...we are musicians, myself with a 4 day work week, he bartends and gigs on week-ends. I need to give you a little history here...he is very well known in the music business, is respected for his knowledge and is the general 'go-to' guy. A really great friend he has been to me over the last 4 years and he also works with me in a band. So supportive and always has had my back. And, he has and IS currently married to a well-known female singer who was famous, 20 years ago. Separate bedrooms, a teen aged daughter, and the wife STILL thinks she is famous, acts like a queen and he is her servant. It is unbelievable. She has the $$, he is a gigging musician. I have always had a thing for him, but have kept it under wraps as he is MARRIED. I had an affair with a married man when I was in my 20's and vowed after that heartache, I would never do it again. So, instead, me and my 'friend', have been 'friends'....a little flirting, but appropriate all the way. His wife has been tolerant of me, but jealous as she no longer performs, has gained 200 lbs, drinks and gambles on the computer and does not parent their daughter. Sorry, I know this is long... Five weeks ago, after a gig, he and I go outside for a smoke and he asks me if I 'really' love him.....we always say...'love you!'....and I smile and am curious and ask him why he is asking....he says because he 'really' loves me and wanted to know if I feel the same...He can't stop thinking about me, he wants to see me and when he does, he whispers...'there's my honey....' I have loved him but have maintained the boundaries....I tell him yes, I do....but I won't have an affair....we meet for coffee a couple of days later and we talk...I say, 'I can't have an affair with you'....he says he knows that.....and we talk and hug and he says 'I love you....remember that'. FAST FORWARD......He has told his wife.....their marriage is a sham...she agrees. He tells her that he and I have a relationship but it is platonic, (it is), but that he wants to pursue a relationship with me...she isn't surprised... Today, she tells him that if it is over, she wants him out......we are meeting tomorrow to talk....I think he wants to move in. I am terrified at the social repercussions as we all travel in the same music circle and it is a malicious gossip circle on a good day.....terrified. His wife is a phony, washed out star, who plays 'the game' so well, it makes me sick. I have watched her superficial personality to the point where I avoid her, other than her big phony greeting when she sees me, but she is a 'queen'. I don't want to be looked at as a home-wrecker and have a very professional profession in the daytime. Please offer me something up, here!
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 DO NOT let him move in with you. Screw that. Let them end their marriage and stay out of it completely. He can stay with a friend or a family member.. NOT with you. IF you two have a real chance, it has to be done the right and proper way. You let him move in now after living life with his wife and that dynamic, straight into your arms, it won't last and you two will have huge issues too. It does seem though that he is leaving his wife to be with you..Not because the marriage is truly over and he wants out, reguardless if you're there or not. PS, Please don't bash his wife..you only hear one side of things and he's made her out to be devil..Or is this your opinion of her, without his prodding?
SoMovinOn Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 It's the music biz. There's so much of that stuff going on, I can't believe many people would care much about what the two of you have. The fact that he told his W and they are splitting is the most unusual part of this. Eric Clapton did fine, even after he wrote Layla, right? I agree though, he should find somewhere else to crash right after the split - not because of what anyone would say (screw what anyone else would say), but, because neither of you needs to be jumping into this with both feet without him taking some time to get his own **** together.
Got it Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 While I don't believe there is a "right and proper" way to do things I can give you advice based on my situation. When my dMM left he did move in with me after a few months of being out. Overall it was a great experience but ultimately since there were kids involved he did need his own space to work on his relationship with them and the focus being just on them and not working in a new person. I don't agree that it is black and white and living together doesn't work, I know if situations where it does. But he will be going through some emotions, most likely, and with him underfoot you will be in the middle of things as well. You may also want some space throughout this and by having your own place, you will be afforded that luxury. It is really your call and what is best for you based on your situation. I am pretty neutral on it and did enjoy living together though I also enjoy having seperate households as well. There are pros and cons to each situation.
Author Prettyinblack Posted October 21, 2011 Author Posted October 21, 2011 Thanks all, for the responses.....no, she isn't the devil, but she is a narcissistic person, for sure and I do know this, separate from him. There is a group of us musicians in the area who regularly socialize together....everyone knows that there is no marriage and the wife is the 'queen'....she needs to be taken care of...and reduces herself and her voice to a 3 year old after 3 drinks....she actually talks baby talk...it is annoying. Yes, he is leaving her for me, although the marriage is a sham. I believe that. It has been a financial agreement for 15 years....he wanted out 15 years ago and then she announced she was pregnant with their daughter. Months ago, I was asked by my 'friend', if I could talk to the daughter as she was having some problems. The problem is her mother...honestly....she does not parent this kid, tells her the father doesn't love her (kid), only the wife.....and sits on the computer and drinks and gambles. I feel sorry for the daughter as well as she needs to be mothered....not necessarily by me, but by solid women. The daughter loves me and that was how my 'friend' progressed to being in love with me, I think.....the way I am with his daughter. I am rambling but I do appreciate your viewpoints on this. I think him moving in with family or a friend will be the way to go, although I really want him here. I haven't felt this about anyone in a very long time and trust him with my heart but agree that there needs to be some time in between....I remember when I ended my marriage 20 years ago, it was a crazy time and I felt like I was coming unglued. Is it possible that alot of the grieving and separation can happen BEFORE they leave....he hasn't been happy in 15 years...
jsb58 Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 :lmao::lmao: A famous musician that bartends and does gigs on the weekend? :lmao::lmao:
SoMovinOn Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 :lmao::lmao: A famous musician that bartends and does gigs on the weekend? :lmao::lmao: There are a lot of "famous" musicians who have day jobs or other jobs. Paying the bills off what you make as a musician is an extremely hard thing to do. Performing musicians rarely make much money. Famous, wealthy musicians usually make most of their money in writing music and getting paid the royalties off that.
Author Prettyinblack Posted October 21, 2011 Author Posted October 21, 2011 I never said 'he' was famous, well connected and the 'go-to' guy in THIS musical community where connections are everything. She USED to be famous and he was her drummer.....I was a full-time musician and it is very difficult to survive if you just gig unless you are a road musician which is a helluva lifestyle. Been there, done that....too old now for the hours and pay...I like steak, not hamburger for dinner...lol
Heart On Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 He has told his wife.....their marriage is a sham...she agrees. He tells her that he and I have a relationship but it is platonic, (it is), but that he wants to pursue a relationship with me...she isn't surprised... Today, she tells him that if it is over, she wants him out......we are meeting tomorrow to talk....I think he wants to move in. My very skeptical mind says for all you know,he hasn't told her anything about this.But who knows.Maybe he has and good on him if so.Just be aware that this is an "age old" line MM use to keep OW strung along. I think him moving in with family or a friend will be the way to go, although I really want him here. I haven't felt this about anyone in a very long time and trust him with my heart but agree that there needs to be some time in between....I remember when I ended my marriage 20 years ago, it was a crazy time and I felt like I was coming unglued. Is it possible that alot of the grieving and separation can happen BEFORE they leave....he hasn't been happy in 15 years... I agree that seeing if he can get on his own two feet financially and emotionally and on his own would be a great start to independance and ultimately a relationship with you sometime down the road.He's obviously been a little too dependant on her and you don't want him becoming a burden right who "freeloads" off of you right off the bat! As for whether someone can mourn the death of a marriage while still living together with thier spouse,I can say YES! I fell out of love with my XH 15 years before I actually had the courage to get out and stay out. But that being said,I spent a year alone,no one in the wings waiting to "rescue" me,and didn't date or have sex with anyone to ensure than I was ready to take on a new relationship that I might not repeat my dysfunctional patterns within. This was all after I had virtually ruined my life by leaving for a MM who strung me along for sex,and ultimately stayed with his wife after I had left my husband for him. So far,until he is at least on his own,legally separated and better yet divorced,you would still virtually be having an affair with a MM. Wait until the ink is dry before you let him move it! Anything can happen and you don't want this to effect your personal,let alone your professional life if it all turns to sh*t. Proceed Cautiously!
Author Prettyinblack Posted October 21, 2011 Author Posted October 21, 2011 I am trying to proceed cautiously, we are talking every step of the way, and believe it or not, we have not had sex. We have hugged and kissed and then say, no, not until things are sorted out. His wife does know.....she has been here to my house socially for an annual party that I host yearly and has suspected for a long time that something was going on between us, although there wasn't anything happening....just a really strong connection that I am sure she could feel. I am not into supporting anyone...I am financially independent and have worked hard. But, I do know the old joke....'what do you a musician without a wife? Homeless.."....on-going joke for years. It is hard to make a living in the biz.....gigs are at the same price that they were in 70's...prices go up for everything else except for the entertainment. It is just a really amazing/confusing time. I have been on my own for a lot of years, am far from desperate and have had many offers. I am easy on the eyes and look about 30.........but I love him......he is kind, gentle, supportive and is well loved in our community. I don't want to mess anything up for either one of us.
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 Do yourself a favour though, don't EVER say negative things or bash his wife to their daughter. She DOES love her mom, more than you know. Trust me, I'm sure she wants to have her mom in her life, so please, don't go putting a wall up between mom and daughter, drive a wedge between them. Sounds like the mom is messed up, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love or care about her own daughter. Let HIM handle his kid.
MissBee Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 I know a lot more about his horrible wife than about him...I'm not sure why she matters that much, especially since you're not actually having an affair. In any case, great on you for not having an affair with him...although, it may have been an emotional affair, based on what you're saying. She knows about you guys and he's leaving; and now you have some decisions to make. The way I see it is...I personally would avoid that situation, just because I don't like dating within small circles, don't like gossip about me and my life, definitely don't want some other woman looming in the background who I constantly need to size up. In my opinion, a relationship that comes with too much of a burden...may not be for me. Especially since men come and go...so you really have to think about what you're risking and if it will possibly be worth it. Him leaving his wife for you is weird to me, as you guys weren't even having an affair. How can you leave your wife for a friend you like? I don't think anyone should leave their marriage for another, but simply because they are unhappy and regardless of if someone else was there they'd want out. I think it puts a lot of pressure on you and the relationship when someone leaves "for you". You guys haven't actually dated or been involved romantically so there is no telling if when you get together outside of flirting and NSA friendship "love", that it would work....so that is something to think about in relation to weighing the pros and cons of becoming involved with him as it relates to your professional life and so on.
Author Prettyinblack Posted October 21, 2011 Author Posted October 21, 2011 I have never trashed his wife and nor would I....to his daughter or to anyone else...the freedom on this site, is I can speak freely...she isn't horrible....she is selfish. And I encourage the daughter to talk to her mom...poor kid, she is desperate for her mother's love.....the mom is just apathetic towards her....uninterested....poor kid....I do not want to drive a wedge in there. No sexual affair here, just emotional and support. It may seem weird, but we have known each other for 4 years. There has been attraction but, this is going to sound strange, 'respect' for the fact that he is married. What is he like? Amazing....kind, funny, loving to all people, honest (he has told her), respected, talented, helpful....and there is chemistry....and I have always trusted him...
MissBee Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 I would advise not to count your chickens before they hatch in regards to him actually leaving. Many here and elsewhere have heard that line before. You'd also be wise to not let him move in with you if he really does leave as he will need to get himself sorted. Any marriage end has to be grieved and if his is terrible as you say then he needs to sort out why he stayed. Also I gotta call bs on the you "aren't having an affair now thing". You are sharing intimate moments in secret. Just because you haven't actually had sex doesn't mean it's not an affair. Of course that's my opinion. I agree with this entire post.
spice4life Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 I am trying to proceed cautiously, we are talking every step of the way, and believe it or not, we have not had sex. We have hugged and kissed and then say, no, not until things are sorted out. His wife does know.....she has been here to my house socially for an annual party that I host yearly and has suspected for a long time that something was going on between us, although there wasn't anything happening....just a really strong connection that I am sure she could feel. I am not into supporting anyone...I am financially independent and have worked hard. But, I do know the old joke....'what do you a musician without a wife? Homeless.."....on-going joke for years. It is hard to make a living in the biz.....gigs are at the same price that they were in 70's...prices go up for everything else except for the entertainment. It is just a really amazing/confusing time. I have been on my own for a lot of years, am far from desperate and have had many offers. I am easy on the eyes and look about 30.........but I love him......he is kind, gentle, supportive and is well loved in our community. I don't want to mess anything up for either one of us. I don't have any specific advice except best wishes on your journey. If he is kind, gentle and supportive AND is leaving his situation because he is unhappy, then it I hope it all works out for you.
norajane Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 I don't want to mess anything up for either one of us. Then don't. You know how to do that - let him find his own place to live if he does indeed move out, let him end his marriage in whatever way he and his wife decide, and stay out of it. Once he's sorted his life out, then start dating.
Spark1111 Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 I agree with every else. I think for the sake of your future relationship, tell him that he needs to live elsewhere while he ends his marriage. Tell him that it is best for you, him, his stbxw, and HIS daughter that he sort himself outside of your home. Be kind, be empathetic, be supportive to both he and his daughter, but say no, for now, to living together. Tell him he needs to concentrate on making their break up as smooth as possible for his daughter. You will be more greatly respected by ALL, in the future, for this one request...trust me on this, please. Put the best interests of HIS daughter first right now. He should also be concentrating mostly on her too as he dissolves his marriage to her mother. You be patient. It will speak volumes about your character to do so. Also, you cannot be blamed in the future, by anyone, for having ulterior motives to break up a family. (I know they were already broken, but stop promoting that among your gossipy circle.) Start promoting that you care for him, but right now he needs to help his daughter while he dissolves his marriage. No child should be hurt in any of this. Do this!
freestyle Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 (edited) Just a word of advice---I'm around musicians a lot, myself, also. I've found over the last two decades that the persona they bring to a gig can be be very, very, different from who they are at home.The persona at the gig is always the "best foot forward" one--who by circumstances, is always forced to smile at work, no matter what---(you're on stage, under a spotlight) So--just sayin'--you might not truly know him all that well, until you spend a lot of downtime with him. My other word of warning is that it could end up being very awkward and tense if you two get together, and are still working in the same band. If you're having conflicts in the relationship---it can be very difficult to get up and perform, (smiling)---when there's a lot of tension between a couple that's romantically involved. I've seen that break up more than one band over the years.........It's like having an office romance---with a lot of extra pressure. If it doesn't work out---are you still going to be able to perform with him? Edited October 22, 2011 by freestyle
SoMovinOn Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 I've found over the last two decades that the persona they bring to a gig can be be very, very, different from who they are at home.The persona at the gig is always the "best foot forward" one--who by circumstances, is always forced to smile at work, no matter what---(you're on stage, under a spotlight) OMG! I would love to be around the musicians in your circle. I have no idea how you managed to miss all the Prima Donna's or the ranting, raving, lunatics who seem to spend most of a gig bitching about every single thing... "Why are there only 3 pieces of duct tape holding this cable down? There are supposed to be FOUR! ONE TWO THREE FOUR!!! FOUR DAMMIT!!!" ... and I'm not talking about Axl Rose, I mean the guy who is a McDonalds manager by day and sings in a bar band one night every few months who *thinks* he's Axl Rose.
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