Miss S H Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 Hi everyone...... All I want is my ex back. I feel we only touched the tip of the iceberg in terms of our time together... He is a beautiful person, who his whole life was comfortable in relationships... then had his heart broken 2 year ago. Since then, he hasn't felt close or connected to anyone. When we met, 7 months ago, he felt a connection to me and pursued me attentively and gently treating me perfectly for 5 months... as we got closer though, he heard from his ex of 2 years ago (she is with someone new) and he went a bit cold... said he felt funny and wasn't sure what was wrong, but wasn't sure how he felt about me, and didn't think he felt strongly enough for us to continue ATM. We then were brought closer and we continued for another 2 months... where I showed more interest and he responded well. To my shock about a month ago after a beautiful weekend together and him talking about the future, he called me two days after to say we shouldn't see eachother. He felt something "wrong" between us and felt guilty and he didn't know what it was. He thinks he lost the spark he had for me, and didn't want to hurt me. Whatever his trigger, whatever his reasons, I truly believe he partly is scared of being happy again. He won't let himself progress... and we got too close for comfort. I lost emotional control and poured my heart out and he said he needed space and to be alone, and didn't know if and when that would change. I've tried hard to not contact, and although he always replies.. we had the most non emotive and platonic nostalgic messaging session last sat morning, and I felt a bit like I used to.. so since then I've sent 3 msgs, all he has replied to, none of which I've read... I have hidden them from my sight....... But i miss him so much. Does anyone have any similar stories? I am 26 and he is 33 and I just want us both to be happy together like we were before...... it was so fresh, why would he throw it away just as it was getting good? I really feel I need to see him (havent since the break up) and I just want him back Part of my heart feels we will be ok, the other part is worried if more time goes by, he will meet someone new.
stargirl259 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 I feel for you! Big hugs!! This sounds like what's happening to me and my ex now. It's horrible and feels like I won't get over it. We broke up over 2 weeks ago and I started NC 3 days ago. He broke up with me saying he was my soul mate and he loved me but didn't think it was our time now because of the distance. I can't really offer any advice cause everything hurts so much but I am here if you need to chat x
M2155 Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Chances are he is not over his ex. I'm not saying he's trying to get back with her, but he is not over her emotionally, especially having been heartbroken. Seems pretty apparent that hearing from her triggered something in his heart. The guy I dated for 1.5 years left me to go back to his ex, something happened (I didn't know about her) and he got distant, then he came back strong (like he was trying) and then he eventually disappeared. Your guy is being honest with you and trust me, you want him to be emotionally free to love you. Give him some.
Author Miss S H Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 Hi thank you for your replies.... Its nice to know there are pople out there willing to chat to met about this, I feel like all everyone around me is saying is "move on" or "let it go"... which in time is fair enough, but given its still so fresh and real for me, I find it trivialises what Im going through... Thank you both for your thoughts and words! After posting this last week, I finally read his emails and last weekend he was asking where I was and sent me one msg early in the morning saying he wished I was there hugging him as he'd had a bad dream... I don't know how he can say that, but then say he doesn't feel 'close' to me? He then msg'd me saying if I was free early this week we could catch up, I said Id like to and he ignored me I don't understand... he really isn't a horrible person and I know he cares, why is he pushing me away and running off like an immature child! I really just want him back... Was I foolish to regain hope after reading his messages? I don't care what anyone says, I want to really give things a go... and I feel like I am taking 1 step forward, 3 steps back
YouNeverKnow86 Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 This is oddly familiar to my situation.....Everything was perfect between my ex girlfriend and I (dated for 3 months) then suddenly she became cold and distant. She ended up breaking up with me for the same reasons you stated (loss of spark, missing that feeling, something off etc.). This all took place after her ex boyfriend (who also broke her heart 2 years ago) contacted her. It SUCKS! There is nothing we can do because they are subconsciously not over their ex's. Their ex's control their life and they have the ability to really control their emotions. We are victims of this, it blows!
LSgirl Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 I'm in a similiar situation. I got together with my bf when he just broke up with his cheating fiancee of 8 years, only 2 months since they broke up. So of course, knowing this, we both took the risk and decided to be together. It was a little rough at first and then he came around, things were awesome. But, he always had a wall up and he knew this, too. Whenever I talked about anything serious or argued with him about his lack of communication he would shut down. I don't think he emotionally got over her and she tried to contact him every once in a blue moon, but I think in addition to that, whenever I brought something up, he couldn't handle me emotionally. I think he wanted the relationship and its benefits, but couldn't handle anything more if it was trying to progress. He never told me he loved me but he was a great boyfriend overall. Finally, 2 days ago he dumped me over text saying he couldn't keep up with me (my arguments, my VALID ones) saying it was over and had to move on and said he couldn't give me what I wanted, which was true.
Author Miss S H Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 Its funny to me to hear that its oddly familiar to someone else, its definitely hard to get over someone you once thought was your everything, but I just find it incredibly selfish on the EX's from the past, to pursue or niggle at someone whom they know they have an emotional stronghold over, when they need an ego stroke or something. This stops them moving on and enjoying and building something new with US. Its not fair on anyone, except the past past ex's who are having their cakes and eating them too. It totally sucks, and it hurts so much to know that there is someone I had who is a beautiful person with a kind heart, who as you say wants all the aspects of a relationship, and sincerely wants to be in one, but has this wall up consistently... Part of him I think knows that but part of him puts it down to "something missing or off" as its easier emotionally to not get involved with something good, that isn't surrounded by drama. Its amazing how you can never really escape the people who have touched you... So now it stands at 1.5months without seeing eachother after he broke it off, he messages last weekend to say hes sad and wishes I was there with him, to hug and hold. Then suggests we could catch up this week if it suits me... I say I would like that very much. He then ignores me, so again yesterday I messaged saying it would be a perfect time to see eachother! He says it would be, but don't you think it would just make everything harder for you? I say I wont know till I try, he says he needs to think about it, and hopes Im well.... And here I am...... putting my heart on the line again.
YouNeverKnow86 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Its funny to me to hear that its oddly familiar to someone else, its definitely hard to get over someone you once thought was your everything, but I just find it incredibly selfish on the EX's from the past, to pursue or niggle at someone whom they know they have an emotional stronghold over, when they need an ego stroke or something. This stops them moving on and enjoying and building something new with US. Its not fair on anyone, except the past past ex's who are having their cakes and eating them too. It totally sucks, and it hurts so much to know that there is someone I had who is a beautiful person with a kind heart, who as you say wants all the aspects of a relationship, and sincerely wants to be in one, but has this wall up consistently... Part of him I think knows that but part of him puts it down to "something missing or off" as its easier emotionally to not get involved with something good, that isn't surrounded by drama. Its amazing how you can never really escape the people who have touched you... So now it stands at 1.5months without seeing eachother after he broke it off, he messages last weekend to say hes sad and wishes I was there with him, to hug and hold. Then suggests we could catch up this week if it suits me... I say I would like that very much. He then ignores me, so again yesterday I messaged saying it would be a perfect time to see eachother! He says it would be, but don't you think it would just make everything harder for you? I say I wont know till I try, he says he needs to think about it, and hopes Im well.... And here I am...... putting my heart on the line again. Miss SH, You need to stay strong and go strict NC on him! Do you see what is going on here? It is messed up to say but he is doing exactly what his ex has done to him......If you don't stop then you will be doing the same thing to someone else down the road. I really believe this stuff has a lingering effect that constantly gets passed on too people. Yes I got the whole "something is missing and off" comment too, it is really unreal how so many people experience this same kind of phenomenon. It's hard but WE cannot become like them, it's like an addiction that gets passed on.....So weird
MizHoney2U Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Wow, This Ex thing seems like an awful cycle... I'm not sure if and how many times I've ever done this but after reading the replies and the initial comment....I know that I will never do this to anyone... I would never want to make someone feel this way or think that I have caused them an emotional imbalance due to my contacting them.... I would trust him at his word and understand that he could be feeling the same way for her that you are feeling towards him. It's not easy for anyone. Be well and good luck.
Author Miss S H Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 Hi Younever know - this is a good point, its definitely a strange thing.. its like you can never totally attached to someone new because you haven't detached from someone gone..probably because you never wanted them to go. I know until I come to some sort of closure (rekindle the flame is what I truly desire) I can't move on to anyone new..... Difference is I didn't treat him badly, and all we had was good... this wasn't the case with hi EX, she left him for another after using him the whole time they were together... I'll wait for his reply and then stay away... its becoming too hard to make sense of! Its also hard for me to understand, as everytime I have broked up with someone (once or twice, wasn't serious) I still never contacted them, nothing, because its only naturally feeling return (whether good or bad) where feelings once existed! Thank you Mizhoney for the good luck and well wishes I hope so too, its a shame that he isn't at the moment willing to work through his issues with me by his side, as strangely I'd be happy to be there ... All I can do is trust him at his word and hope that it somehow strangely all works out for the best
09123 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I have been in a serious relationship once in school...and the next during college years...the college one, well we broke up due to major misunderstanding...I assume he was cheating and left him without any reason as I was distraught with what i thought he had did...one day a friend of mine came up to me and explain that, it was all a huge misunderstanding...and it was actually over at a party which he got drunk with some friends...and there were some girls around...well i believe you can imagine the rest..... It took me awhile to think over it and how this could had happen.....i was really confuse with the situation...i still want to be with him but how can i carry on knowing what had happen...there wasn't any where which I could turn for help... I tried talking to friends, but they all tell me to move on...confuse even more....I tried counseling and took some time off from seeing him....it really helped to calm down and think it over hard enough if i wanted to carry on with the relationship.... In the end we spoke and discuss about it...he apologized for what had happened...saying it wasnt intentional and so forth...it wasn't easy... What im trying to say is take ur time and find out if its really worth it....if not, then move on...its ur call babe... Good luck. this might help
Author Miss S H Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Hi everyone... thank you for all your advice and support... am feeling really weak today... I don't understand how his actions are calling out me one way, then another way he is running away... I just want to be close to him again, and I am struggling with everything at the moment..... he gives me hope, but then is out partying with his friends every weekend since we broke up. I am really sad
M2155 Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 There is nothing you can do until he has had time to deal with those feelings for his ex. My ex acted THE SAME way. He was there once in a blue moon but very distant about it. He'd claim to miss me or throw me a crumb but never make any effort to see me or respond:mad:. That's them keeping you around while they figure it out and you don't deserve that. I wish I had known about this site back then so someone could have told me what was happening! I would have just disappeared on him and left him wondering if he made a mistake. When it was all over he claimed he was confused by what I wanted. If he ever puts it back on you like that, run. But for now, leave him alone. It sucks to be the rebound because the relationship feels so promising and happy, it's amazing how this has happened to so many of us. Take some time to get over him also because when/if he comes back around you need to remember how he treated you.
Author Miss S H Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 Thank you Its hard.. I just don't understand how you can seem so happy and sure of how you feel, then change your mind and not be able to give tangible reasons. I hadn't heard from him since monday, when he said he'd think about us meeting up (after suggesting it himself) so I just sent him a normal message asking how he is. It just hurts so much knowing I found someone I really wanted to grow and work things with, we all have our own personal issues and insecurities and I was always there for him as soon as he made it known he has EX issues... Its nice to hear on this forum that it has happened to so many, as what makes its more painful atm is all my friends are happy and in relationships.. and always have been... I just feel so lonely without him, I wish he had never given me the crumb because Im holding on to that....... Its true... but sadly if an when he comes back I wont be able to refuse him I am trying to keep active and busy and rarely have a moment to myself, but I still feel so alone ... I think its a bad day today... I just want him back! I will definitely run if he puts it back on me like that ... M2155 how long were you with your ex for and why did he break it off? I just want everything to work out
M2155 Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 He probably didn't know he had "ex issues" until the ex came back. Just like if we moved on...I certianly hope my ex doesn't reappear and stir up feelings (although at this point, I realize I deserve much better than someone that would handle it this way). I think my ex genuinely had the good intentions of a serious relationship with me. We were together about 1.5 years. The first 6 months were awesome like in any new relationship and then got comfortable, and then it went downhill very slowly (we may have broken up eventually, we had our own issues but I never dreamed this was behind his distance). I can't say exactly when his ex came back into the picture but I think looking back they reconciled in the last month or two. My ex did the same thing, suggested meeting with me and then backing out or ignoring it alltogether with no reason. I assume he was going to break the news but I guess he was just too cowardly or guilty to do it. Now, my ex jumped back in 200% with his ex, I don't know what your guy is doing. He could be trying to get back with her or just taking time to get over his feelings. I never got a legit reason for the breakup, just a text that he couldn't see me anymore. I only know about mine because he and the ex were officially after they were professing their love on Facebook and some mutual friends had seen them around together. I hope it works out for the best for you! Next time, I really am going to ask more questions about relationship history.
Author Miss S H Posted October 28, 2011 Author Posted October 28, 2011 That true... I suppose you can't really predict this sort of thing, but if you're sure enough of what you want then you don't let it interfere too much... Thing is my Exs EX is with another guy! Who she started seeing like a month after she dumped my ex, and is still with the new guy (altough its been two years) ... but still she send my ex msgs saying "its not as good as what it was with you" "thank you for letting me go" etc etc... so I can understand that he is going through his own stuff.... But if we had someone good, and its obvious its something good he wants, why is he pushing me away? I feel like he has become too cowardly to feel anything real! Its hurtful to hear you got the message via a text after so long together, it is definitely cowardly.. and it makes you wonder... why do people hurt the people that care for them the most? Thank you I hope it works out for me too, yesterday we just messaged normally about our days and he even used his old nicknames for me... it was cute and it felt nice but it makes me sad to think I can't throw myself into it like I used to. I just don't believe he doesn't want to be with me and like a foolish girl I just want him back.. still :/
Recommended Posts