Do you think being an only child can affect future romantic relationships?

[Nic26]

Either relating to my ongoing thread, 'Am I too used to being single?' Or on its own.....do you think that being an only child can affect your future romantic relationships? Has anyone had their own experience of this?

 

Although there are many different scenarios of childhood, here's mine....I wasn't spoiled - we didn't have the money, but I never went without either. I also learned how to do things for myself from a young age, so was never the type to sit back and be looked after. And I had lots of friends.

 

Please share your opinions/experiences...

[freestyle]

I think it can affect a person's psychological make-up in general---which naturally will affect relationship dynamics.

 

(I'M NOT an only child, BTW)

 

I only had one serious long term relationship with someone who is an only child, a guy I was on & off with for three years, and lived with for a year when I was in my early twenties.

 

I do suspect his lack of of growing up with siblings affected the dynamic--He'd grown up being very used to getting his own way, and being the center of attention, (naturally) so it was incredibly difficult to get him to compromise, and meet me halfway on a lot of our issues. He could be very self-absorbed. I think a lot of that may have stemmed from him never having to share as a child. He also didn't have the opportunity to learn conflict resolution skills regarding peers (which definitely happens growing up with siblings---fights/arguments WILL happen.....hopefully a kid learns to get past it and still get along with a sibling, at least most of the time)

I don't think he got spoiled by his parents either, they were very old-school, and hard-nosed about having a work ethic , so he didn't get stuff handed to him .

 

His unwillingness to compromise was probably the nail in the coffin for the relationship, as well as the self-absorption.It was a shame--he also had a lot of good qualities that I admired---he was a very deep thinker, progressive minded, intelligent, and spiritually minded----and occasionally could let loose and just have silly fun.

 

I just couldn't live with the "my way or the highway" attitude, combined with the occasional "F***-everybody else---I'm going to play my car stereo at full volume----(which I don't think the neighbors in our court appreciated, especially at three a.m.)

 

FWIW--he and I get along fine now, 20 years later--we were able to become friends of a sort, once the hard feelings subsided. I even went to his wedding a few years ago.....go figure.

 

So, OP do you recognize any of those characteristics in yourself?

Self-absorption, having difficulty compromising?

 

If you get into an argument, or have a conflict with someone you're involved with, are you able to resolve it, (in a way that satisfies BOTH parties)and move past it?

 

Or do you steamroll over the other person's point of view?

 

Or do you concede, for the sake of keeping the peace, but harbor resentment about it?

 

I'm not trying to pick on you, I'm encouraging you to take an honest look at your own psychological makeup---trying to give you some food for thought.........The more you understand yourself-- honestly--- the greater your chances of enjoying a mutually satisfying relationship will be.

[Nic26]

Thanks for your reply freestyle, you've highlighted some really good points there.

 

I think I do have difficulty compromising, definitely. Sometimes I have to force myself as I know it's the right thing to do. I don't think I'm self absorbed though and I never feel resentment towards anyone - life's too short.

 

I'm quite territorial and protective of my belongings...and I'd definitely be likely to steamroll over another person's point of view - if I felt strongly about something. I'm very strong willed.

 

I think I'm quite self aware overall...I guess I've just never really considered the effects of being an only child! And I'm not sure how to get past them....

 

At least I know your ex eventually managed to have a successful relationship....20 years later

[freestyle]

You're quite welcome. Hope my story helped.

 

 

The mere fact that you are taking this into consideration, and are willing to apply critical* thinking to yourself is a good sign.It means you're not stuck on blaming the other person for all the relationship issues............

 

*(not "critical" in a "beat yourself up",judgmental, kind of way--but rather, in a matter-of-fact,honest self-appraisal kind of way)

 

Honest self-appraisal is the first step.

 

Another good exercise would be to try to really,really imagine what it's like to be the other person---step into their shoes mentally for a few moments.

Imagine how they're feeling when you steamroll over their point of view.

What are they feeling?

 

IMO,a relationship will never be successful unless both points of view get relatively equal airtime.

That doesn't mean you have to agree with the other point of view all the time, I doubt that happens in any relationship--(not if people are being authentic, anyways)

but the opposing point of view should be heard and at least considered.

 

If a person repeatedly feels like they're being automatically discounted, or dismissed out of hand---they're not likely to stick around.If they always feel invalidated, they're not going to be happy.They'll begin to question whether or not their feelings matter to you.

 

Ideally, you can find a balance point with the right person.Where both parties feel equally heard, both points of view are considered, and a happy middle ground is reached.

 

 

Do you recall the old parable of the oak tree and the blade of grass, by any chance? They used to bicker about which one was stronger...

 

Well, which one survived when a huge windstorm happened?

 

......the one that was able to bend..........

[Nic26]

I do make a conscious effort to listen to other people's points of view and take on board what they're saying. Especially if it's about me, as what they are saying is right in their opinion. Although accepting somoene else as part of my life and learning to consider them 24/7 is just not something I have built in my mechanisms. I think it's going to be one tough challenge for me to try and change the way I have grown up and the person I have been for 26 years....I wonder if it's even possible to do that and also be myself?

[Queen Zenobia]

Either relating to my ongoing thread, 'Am I too used to being single?' Or on its own.....do you think that being an only child can affect your future romantic relationships? Has anyone had their own experience of this?

 

Although there are many different scenarios of childhood, here's mine....I wasn't spoiled - we didn't have the money, but I never went without either. I also learned how to do things for myself from a young age, so was never the type to sit back and be looked after. And I had lots of friends.

 

Please share your opinions/experiences...

 

Well I'm an only child. And I haven't really noticed any impact on my romantic relationships. I was raised to be self-sufficient and to seek someone who was equally so. And well that's exactly the kind of guy I ended up with.

 

I'll be honest, my parents make A LOT of money. Certainly not a million dollars a year but still. However, I was never spoiled (they paid for my college education but I still had to work for spending money). And I was never raised to be a princess or any of that nonsense. So I definitely think it depends on how you were raised whether being an only child will negatively affect your relationships.

[Tailor2000]

There's nothing wrong with independence in my view. Being able to take care of yourself is great. Retaining your sense of self and individualsim is great too.

 

It's when you start blurring the lines saying you're responsible for yourself and no one else and everyone else should have that opinion, so you never expect anybody to provide, and you don't expect to provide for anyone else.

 

Im not talking about taking care of function, but Im talking about when independence causes you to become selfish and self centered. Like my ex. I think if you can manage friendships and other family relationships, be respectful, courteous, listen to their opinions and idea, and do the same with co-workers and family, then I think a relationship isn't that much different.

[DantaX]

What a great question... Okay here goes I'm a female in my mid 20s and am an only child. My parents divorced when I was 8 so I was primarily raised by my mother who was also an only child. I don't consider myself spoilt, although due to the damage of my fathers actions he has compensated financially and superficially so I didn't miss out.

I struggle with group settings, I am very outgoing yet I find it easier to relate one on one. I also find it difficult to accept fault and compromise. I am not sure wether it is an only child trait or not but my stubbornness has definitely caused me many issues in relationships and I can tend to victimize myself. Sometimes I realize how manipulating I can be and I feel like I have learnt that more so from my on and off relationship with my father. I am aware of my negative points and I try to work on them, but basically that is the negatives.

Its also strange, I get very close to ex boyfriends sisters because I wish I had them or brothers. I also get very angry if a partner complains of a sibling, because I never had them and I am aware that my children will have no aunts and uncles on my side.

 

I am attracted to guys from large families... I have never dated an only child. I would love to marry into a big family.

 

In saying that I love my space and I love living with just mum and the cat!!

[norajane]

I was an only child until I was 14, when my parents had their second child. We were immigrants on top of that, which meant I spent a large portion of my childhood 1) alone, as my parents worked hard at blue collar jobs with extra shifts and 2) acting as translator for my parents, so very much responsible for helping them with any matter (financial, legal, banking, insurance, real estate) they were trying to understand.

 

That led me to being very independent and capable. So, in my relationships, I absolutely must be with a man who is equally independent and capable.

 

I do not want to "parent" another person - he must be well able to take care of himself and his life without me having to always be responsible for him. I also cannot be with a clingy guy. I am not clingy and do not want someone glued to my side - he needs a life of his own.

[carhill]

When I watch siblings fighting; yelling, beating on each other, I cringe. I've seen that a lot over the decades, with dating partners, friends and family members. I saw it recently with a LS friend.

 

That's probably the single biggest drawback of being an only; not learning how to fight, hurl insults and take them. I'm completely clueless about the cunning comeback, the preemptive punch, all that kind of stuff. It just wasn't a part of my life, but is evidently normal for most people. I see a lot of it here on LS. I saw it with my exW who was one of five. She said she learned such things, along with her practice of disconnecting, from that life. It's alien to me. It just occurred to me that all my 'fights' were with adults, so I learned to 'fight' at that level, and my parents weren't swingers of fists and name callers, rather discussed matters without vitriol. I was probably more 'emotional' in such matters than they were, probably due to immaturity during that stage.

 

So, in that narrow range of psychology, such a dichotomy (siblings vs not) lends traction to a potential elemental incompatibility, at least in my experience.

 

Strangely, as an only with a SAHM who did everything, I immediately fell into that role once I bought my first home and moved out. I did everything, taught myself what I didn't know and asked mom about certain 'female' things, like sewing and cooking, etc, and took it from there. My exW often would comment that I was 'taking her work' when I continued doing what I naturally did; behaviors I would voluntarily change while married.

 

Anyway, those are some of my reflections.

[Symetrical-Siren]

My son's father is an only child.

 

It was not a positive experience being with him.

 

I would never ever again date an only child.

Edited October 29, 2011 by Symetrical-Siren
TMI

[Nic26]

I am also stubborn and can't think of anything worse than having someone glued to my side! I need someone capable and independent, with his own life and interests. Although I'd enjoy time together and I love affection.

 

Carhill...I've never had a problem with defending myself - did you not learn that at school?

 

Symetrical-Siren - Sounds like you had a tough time! Would you like to elaborate? Would be interesting to hear briefly why you feel that way.

[TrueColors]

When I watch siblings fighting; yelling, beating on each other, I cringe. I've seen that a lot over the decades, with dating partners, friends and family members. I saw it recently with a LS friend.

 

That's probably the single biggest drawback of being an only; not learning how to fight, hurl insults and take them. I'm completely clueless about the cunning comeback, the preemptive punch, all that kind of stuff. It just wasn't a part of my life, but is evidently normal for most people. I see a lot of it here on LS. I saw it with my exW who was one of five. She said she learned such things, along with her practice of disconnecting, from that life. It's alien to me. It just occurred to me that all my 'fights' were with adults, so I learned to 'fight' at that level, and my parents weren't swingers of fists and name callers, rather discussed matters without vitriol. I was probably more 'emotional' in such matters than they were, probably due to immaturity during that stage.

 

So, in that narrow range of psychology, such a dichotomy (siblings vs not) lends traction to a potential elemental incompatibility, at least in my experience.

 

Strangely, as an only with a SAHM who did everything, I immediately fell into that role once I bought my first home and moved out. I did everything, taught myself what I didn't know and asked mom about certain 'female' things, like sewing and cooking, etc, and took it from there. My exW often would comment that I was 'taking her work' when I continued doing what I naturally did; behaviors I would voluntarily change while married.

 

Anyway, those are some of my reflections.

 

Thanks for this. Your experiences here remind me of the ex, who happens to be an only child too. What you've described sounds like something he might have experienced too as he never seemed to be able to argue back even though I could be quite verbal (or "passionate" as he liked to put it").

 

Funnily enough, I can relate to that comment your ex-W made about "taking her work". I've been in relationships with 2 men who had learned to be quite "capable" from an early age and it strangely made me feel inferior in some way, because it left me feeling with "what can I bring to the relationship?" Not that I complained, mind you. It certainly wasn't their responsibility either.

[Tailor2000]

I am also stubborn and can't think of anything worse than having someone glued to my side! I need someone capable and independent, with his own life and interests.

 

I think you need to be careful with your use of language and work out how a man is supposed to be attentive to you and yet be independent in a relationship. To be honest, the idea of independence and relationship/marriage sounds like an oxymoron to me. There has to be some overlap in lives, otherwise there is no relating, there is no relationship, you just enjoy the affection and the attention and... well, I often wondered whether my ex was just an attention seeker.

 

Although I'd enjoy time together and I love affection.

[Nic26]

I think you need to be careful with your use of language and work out how a man is supposed to be attentive to you and yet be independent in a relationship. To be honest, the idea of independence and relationship/marriage sounds like an oxymoron to me. There has to be some overlap in lives, otherwise there is no relating, there is no relationship, you just enjoy the affection and the attention and... well, I often wondered whether my ex was just an attention seeker.

 

As in, I don't feel the need to be with someone 24/7 - nor do I think it's healthy. Both people in the relationship should still have their own friends who they meet up with alone, as well as with their partner occasionally. Having separate 'hobbies' keeps things interesting and also gives you something to talk about...rather than things turning dull and boring. After all, those were supposedly the qualities that attracted the other in the first place...

[carhill]

Carhill...I've never had a problem with defending myself - did you not learn that at school?

 

Sure, I was big and knew how to really hurt people, but didn't learn how to fight with moderation like siblings learn. I found threats to be quite disconcerting and essentially adopted a neutralize the threat response, probably more violent than necessary. My exW saw some of that when I perceived threats when we were out and about. Siblings learned to fight with love. I just learned to fight.

[Tailor2000]

As in, I don't feel the need to be with someone 24/7 - nor do I think it's healthy. Both people in the relationship should still have their own friends who they meet up with alone, as well as with their partner occasionally. Having separate 'hobbies' keeps things interesting and also gives you something to talk about...rather than things turning dull and boring. After all, those were supposedly the qualities that attracted the other in the first place...

 

I agree 100% with that.

 

My ex used similar language to what you said earlier, about outside interests, outside friends, time alone, time apart, independence. Or in other words, to me, she spoke about how much she yearned for a single lifestyle and didn't talk about the positive things and what she expected from relationships.

 

My concern is that you want a relationship, and you summed it up in that line about spending time together and loving the affection. I'm sure you know a relationship is more than that (depends on the stage granted). So again, pure conjecture, but I hope you can quantify to future boyfriends, if you're not already, what you expect of a relationship, I hope you can learn to unite somewhat with a partner and let go of some of that control.