MiaColletus Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 To summarize the story behind my dilemma, I have been with my current boyfriend for about 9 months...He was the sweetest most amazing person to me in the first 4/5 months, and then he continued to be nice, a good boyfriend etc. But over this time I guess around the 5th month mark, I've noticed things about him that I never knew before because he never manifested them. He told me in the 3rd month that he has anger problems. As in, he gets mad at the world for no reason. But he also said he's gotten better at controlling it and would never aim it at me. Fast forward to now, he's different. He doesn't like doing things that us and our friends have been doing, going out, etc. And he's always angry about something. Recently it's been aimed at me, or rather, he snaps at me easily and refuses to listen to reason when I try to help him with his anger. I have realized he has a lot of issues. He's so insecure with himself that he thinks he always has to be in control of everything and right about everything in his life. He was raised very independently, never really given a lot of love in his family even though his mom is very loving, she was going to school when he was growing up and his dad didn't care to raise him. I know this is what it stems from, and also he's just told me lately that he's tired of all of our friends, and hates people, and doesn't feel good when we go out anymore. We're both fairly young but I think he now gets annoyed when people are immature and stupid. I don't really know what to do about this. Because even though he's a really good, hard working, dedicated and honest person, and also extremely smart, I think he may be depressed. Or just angry, and there's no reason for it. Even though I am good at talking to people about their emotions, I'm not a therapist so I don't feel like this is my job to fix whatever issues he has with himself and the world. But we've had such an amazing relationship and it was because he was happy then. Probably because he liked me so much and things were going good in his life. Within this time he's also hurt his back badly and is always in constant pain so I'm sure that doesn't help. Now, I've made the mistake before where I try to *fix people or stay with them because I understand why they are the way they are. But that has just led me to be miserable. But my issue is I don't want to let him go because he is such a genuine, nice guy and he does love me. He just had issues that I don't know how to deal with and the way he's been acting recently is so upsetting because I love him but he's always mad and it hurts. I feel like I maybe should talk to him about it, and tell him that I love him and I don't want to break up, and I'm willing to help him but if he doesn't try and get better I am going to get tired of it. (I would suggest therapy but I feel like he would take it the completely wrong way and close up). What do you guys think? I am so confused about what to do....
WhiteChocolate Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 I feel like I maybe should talk to him about it, and tell him that I love him and I don't want to break up, and I'm willing to help him but if he doesn't try and get better I am going to get tired of it. (I would suggest therapy but I feel like he would take it the completely wrong way and close up). What do you guys think? I am so confused about what to do.... I think this is a good idea. Be sure to privately set a limit for yourself though. If you continue to be unhappy for another month or so, it would probably be best to leave.
Author MiaColletus Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 I agree, and I do have a limit now. But I just don't know how to approach this. He's very defensive and doesn't really like "talking" about things. He's not used to it at all and every time we have a "talk" he ends up sad or mad. I think he just wants to be left alone in his anger and issues but that's not healthy or OK
grkBoy Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 WTF is up with guys lately? I keep hearing about anger problems, insecurity, crazy behavior. What happened? All my fellow males grew up in an asylum? I hear more lately about angry crybabies than anything. Not just here...but even female friends who ended up in breakups because their boyfriends started off wonderful, but turned into overgrown children in some way. Mia, I think you're on the right path of talking to him seriously about it. Therapy, etc...if he's not going to fix his problems, then you need to move on. I had an ex who needed a therapist more than a boyfriend. She kept refusing to get help, so I ended it. It wasn't fun anymore being with her. Be strong, set a limit, and show the guy what he can lose if he won't fix his problems. BTW...nice pic. He really had better take a good look at what he'll lose.
Author MiaColletus Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 Thanks, I think that's what I'm going to do. My past relationship ended because of a very similar reason. I can't keep trying to uplift these guys that are just so insecure and depressed about their lives, and oddly enough both of them, by looking at them, you would never know. It's like they come out with all these issues after I already have fallen for them. That's what makes it so hard. But slowly I'm learning to be stronger, its necessary if I want to be happy
rightfield Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 I agree with the advice given so far. I would reiterate that you take care of yourself and don't let your empathy for his issues cause all of the good to get sucked out of you. You need to walk the fine line between being understanding and defending your own emotional well being.
Author MiaColletus Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 Very true, I am often way too understanding and empathetic. But what should I do if I talk to him and he comes back with something like "I told you I've been working on this but it's just the way I am I can't change it overnight, and I'm sorry that it hurts you but I don't really know what to do, things just make me angry" I'm afraid he's going to say that and then there wont be much else I can say.
grkBoy Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 Thanks, I think that's what I'm going to do. My past relationship ended because of a very similar reason. I can't keep trying to uplift these guys that are just so insecure and depressed about their lives, and oddly enough both of them, by looking at them, you would never know. It's like they come out with all these issues after I already have fallen for them. That's what makes it so hard. But slowly I'm learning to be stronger, its necessary if I want to be happy Be careful Mia. That used to be my problem. I'd meet pretty girls who start off "normal", but then as we grew closer, the baggage came out and I kept thinking "love conquers all". I was wrong and got burned so many times. Don't fall into the Florence Nightingale effect where you end up being drawn closer into flakes and think you can work it out. I've told my fiance, even when she has a bad day, that she's wonderful because she NEVER takes her bad day out on me...and she NEVER uses a bad day as an excuse to question the relationship. I've had women who had a bad day at work, then they suddenly were depressed, and then decided to end it with me with a plethora of reasons all dancing around "It's not you, it's me" Seeing them run back to some abusive ex or another jerk, it was clear to me the problem was they psychologically could not handle a guy treating them right. They felt more comfort in the drama and pain. Freaks. Be strong. Stand your ground. You're a beautiful and seemingly intelligent and sweet girl (based on this topic). Don't settle in this arena. Choose a guy who isn't going to have psychological issues and massive insecurities.
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