I'm really on how my ex gf feels

[othersideofthepillow]

Hi LS forum,

 

I have a quick question that hopefully you guys can offer some insight too.

 

Its been just over 3 month since me ex broke up with me. In that time I have never initiated contact but she has remained in contact constantly even after I told her not too.

 

About a week ago she showed up at my place at 1230am telling me how sorry she was for everything & cant not have me in her life.

 

I told her how everything she has done has hurt me and that I do still think there is hope for her and I. She said that she just needed a little more time since in her mind the break up is still fresh.

 

Fast forward a few days, she asks me if i wanted to do something. I agreed. We got a bite for dinner, than watched a movie and my place. When it was time for her to leave she asked what my plans for the weekend are. The next day I sent her a message just saying "Hope you slept well, have a great day". A little while longer see responded asking how my day was going.

 

Later that day i met up with her while i was playing with my dog. Got a cup of coffee and what not. When I dropped her off I could tell that she still seemed down. Later that night while she was at work (3rd shift) she than started telling me how terrible her life is now, how happy i appear without her and how everything was terrible in her life now, shes single now, that she thought she could still be around me but it "still hurts" her to see me, that she needs to move on and start over.

 

she has told me that before....48 hrs before she showed up at 1230am to my apartment actually.

 

Now i am a man, obviously, so i dont know what is going on in her mind about this. i mean i was the one who had to see her pack up and move out of my place, than try and tell me how busy she was now that she moved out, how shes always out with her new work friends and what not, how much easier her life is now that shes single....now its a complete 180 and her life sucks (her own words not mine).

 

now to me it seems like the GIGS has worn off and now reality has set in and her life is indeed not to great....what should i do in this situation? is she genuinely confused about what she wants? is she just ****ing with my mind? is she going to text/call/stop by again? it seemed like when she came over at 1230 am that we were gonna start things off slow and start being around each other again. i do still care for her but obviously i cant make her do anything. any advice? and women please feel free to chime in

Edited October 20, 2011 by othersideofthepillow

[ChelseaLS]

Hi LS forum,

 

I have a quick question that hopefully you guys can offer some insight too.

 

Its been just over 3 month since me ex broke up with me. In that time I have never initiated contact but she has remained in contact constantly even after I told her not too.

 

About a week ago she showed up at my place at 1230am telling me how sorry she was for everything & cant not have me in her life.

 

I told her how everything she has done has hurt me and that I do still think there is hope for her and I. She said that she just needed a little more time since in her mind the break up is still fresh.

 

Fast forward a few days, she asks me if i wanted to do something. I agreed. We got a bite for dinner, than watched a movie and my place. When it was time for her to leave she asked what my plans for the weekend are. The next day I sent her a message just saying "Hope you slept well, have a great day". A little while longer see responded asking how my day was going.

 

Later that day i met up with her while i was playing with my dog. Got a cup of coffee and what not. When I dropped her off I could tell that she still seemed down. Later that night while she was at work (3rd shift) she than started telling me how terrible her life is now, how happy i appear without her and how everything was terrible in her life now, shes single now, that she thought she could still be around me but it "still hurts" her to see me, that she needs to move on and start over.

 

she has told me that before....48 hrs before she showed up at 1230am to my apartment actually.

 

Now i am a man, obviously, so i dont know what is going on in her mind about this. i mean i was the one who had to see her pack up and move out of my place, than try and tell me how busy she was now that she moved out, how shes always out with her new work friends and what not, how much easier her life is now that shes single....now its a complete 180 and her life sucks (her own words not mine).

 

now to me it seems like the GIGS has worn off and now reality has set in and her life is indeed not to great....what should i do in this situation? is she genuinely confused about what she wants? is she just ****ing with my mind? is she going to text/call/stop by again? it seemed like when she came over at 1230 am that we were gonna start things off slow and start being around each other again. i do still care for her but obviously i cant make her do anything. any advice? and women please feel free to chime in

 

I think in this situation, the good single times has faded. Unfortunately we cannot read minds. I would be curious if she misses the companionship or you.

I would still be a little weary. I think that like you said, she is confused. I wouldn't make yourself readily avaliable... as much as you want to . Perhaps after a few weeks of hanging out (but not all the time... make sure you aren't always avaliable), if the timing is right ask what her intentions are. Be prepared for this conversation... Ask yourself "what if she only wants to be friends, can I do that?", "Am I willing to risk being hurt again?", "Can I come back into this relationship without any resent ments, past issues, arguments, feelings?"... stuff like that.

 

I am really not sure how to proceed in these situations. For myself and I am not even there yet (if that ever even happens for me), I would proceed lovingly, cautious, fully knowing what I want out of the relationship, dealt / dealing with past issues, resentments, reasons why the relationship failed in the first place and of course THIS time I would have my seperate life within the relationship... me time.

[othersideofthepillow]

thanks for your advice! yeah that post was about a month ago and like i said the last time we talked (via text) she asked if i was ok, how i was doing, told me how much she missed our dog. than we started conversing for 2 days with all the good memories we had together and how much fun we always had ( i mentioned in one of my texts this "i always secretly hoped when we where going somewhere that we would get lost (driving that is) so we get figure it out and get back on track together" and she responded with "like now"...i said "huh" and she told me nm and asked another question. now a week later and nothing. havent heard from her at all.

 

for me, i have completely let go of the past relationship and have realized the areas that caused for the break up and have fixed them all. its just pasted the 4 month mark now since the split and it feels like 4 years lol. am i ready to much into the months/time that has passed when it really doesnt matter? i just want to say too that right after the break up she was always wanting to text and stay in contact and i was the one on lc/nc for my own self.

 

to me, i know that jumping right back in is a terrible idea and that is in no way what i want. i know it would be weird at first cause in actuality its starting fresh and brand new. thinking of it that was is a little sad yeah, but also exciting at the same time. i just feel like if she were to just swallow her pride and let her guard down and try again the second time around would be leaps and bounds over the first go at it!

 

like you said we cant read minds but boy do i wish we could.

[smokey bear]

It sounds like she is still dealing with the break up, at this point its better to go nc.

 

Only once she has dealt with all her negative emotions will she be able to reconcile if thats what she wants.

 

While she is going through this if you are still in the picture she wont be forced to confront it or make a decision.

 

She could stay stuck in this limbo for a while.

 

I suggest telling her you want to start fresh, that you are going to go nc to give both of you time to figure out what you want and once she knows, to contact you.

 

Reconcilliations do happen while emotions are still high and people are confused,

 

but i think the recons that are successful are when two people are over the past issues and know fully what they want and are emotionally stable again. You need nc and time apart for that.

[ChelseaLS]

It sounds like she is still dealing with the break up, at this point its better to go nc.

 

Only once she has dealt with all her negative emotions will she be able to reconcile if thats what she wants.

 

While she is going through this if you are still in the picture she wont be forced to confront it or make a decision.

 

She could stay stuck in this limbo for a while.

 

I suggest telling her you want to start fresh, that you are going to go nc to give both of you time to figure out what you want and once she knows, to contact you.

 

Reconcilliations do happen while emotions are still high and people are confused,

 

but i think the recons that are successful are when two people are over the past issues and know fully what they want and are emotionally stable again. You need nc and time apart for that.

 

 

Good point. But it sounds like she does want to reconcile. He has been nc/lc for 3-4 months... you suggest NC still?

[othersideofthepillow]

@smokey bear - this is were im confused the most!

 

i have told her that i cannot be just her friend and that i want to start fresh, take it slow (we moved WAY to fast the first time). and to not contact me if she doesnt feel the same anymore and yet she still contacts me - be it a week or too later but she still does.

 

to me it seems that whenever things are on the path over seeing each other again she gets scared and starts thinking about the negatives (even though they arent there anymore) and say she needs to move on....than SHE contacts me again.

 

this last time after she came to my apartment at midnight stating she needs to have me in her life, that she just needs some time as its still fresh in her mind. she than set up a day to get together, we did and than when i knew she was having a bad day and i comforted her, she told me that i seem fine without her and that it still hurts to much to see me.

 

i mean....GOD does it hurt me to see her too (ive never told her that it does) but it does so much! but i know that i have corrected the issues that led for the split and that IF we got back together it wouldnt happen again.

 

@ChelseaLS - in your opinion you think that she wants to reconcile and start fresh? since i have not initiated contact could she possibly want to see that i want her again (seeing if i will pursue her) cause i have kept it away from saying i want to try again for a month or so.

Edited November 11, 2011 by othersideofthepillow

[ChelseaLS]

@smokey bear - this is were im confused the most!

 

i have told her that i cannot be just her friend and that i want to start fresh, take it slow (we moved WAY to fast the first time). and to not contact me if she doesnt feel the same anymore and yet she still contacts me - be it a week or too later but she still does.

 

to me it seems that whenever things are on the path over seeing each other again she gets scared and starts thinking about the negatives (even though they arent there anymore) and say she needs to move on....than SHE contacts me again.

 

this last time after she came to my apartment at midnight stating she needs to have me in her life, that she just needs some time as its still fresh in her mind. she than set up a day to get together, we did and than when i knew she was having a bad day and i comforted her, she told me that i seem fine without her and that it still hurts to much to see me.

 

i mean....GOD does it hurt me to see her too (ive never told her that it does) but it does so much! but i know that i have corrected the issues that led for the split and that IF we got back together it wouldnt happen again.

 

@ChelseaLS - in your opinion you think that she wants to reconcile and start fresh? since i have not initiated contact could she possibly want to see that i want her again (seeing if i will pursue her) cause i have kept it away from saying i want to try again for a month or so.

 

 

I don't know... it's hard to say. I don't function and think like other girls... well I don't think I do.

If I was her and doing that stuff that would mean those are my intension... but perhaps they aren't hers.

Maybe keep it NC/LC for awhile still.

I think ingeneral, girls say one thing and mean another... where I find when ingeneral, when a guy says something he means what he says.

[othersideofthepillow]

I don't know... it's hard to say. I don't function and think like other girls... well I don't think I do.

If I was her and doing that stuff that would mean those are my intension... but perhaps they aren't hers.

Maybe keep it NC/LC for awhile still.

I think ingeneral, girls say one thing and mean another... where I find when ingeneral, when a guy says something he means what he says.

 

 

thanks for the info!

 

so your intentions would be to start over fresh or to want the guy to start pursuing you (even if you were the dumper)? its just really confusing cause i start getting the vibes that she wants me to start flirting/pursuing her, but that changes on me the next day.

[ChelseaLS]

thanks for the info!

 

so your intentions would be to start over fresh or to want the guy to start pursuing you (even if you were the dumper)? its just really confusing cause i start getting the vibes that she wants me to start flirting/pursuing her, but that changes on me the next day.

 

 

I think all girls like to be persued. However because she was the dumper, I would make her persue you.

 

I would go very LC. Let her come to you.

[othersideofthepillow]

that's been my opinion too.

 

after she told me that it was still to hard to see me, a week later she texts me saying that i was talking to one of her co-workers cause she say that the girl had commented on a fb pic of mine. i never met the girl, never spoken to her but she left a comment on it. why does it even matter if she doesnt want me any more?

 

i mean i do give little subtle hints here and there and the biggest one of all bringing up all the great times when had and she was bringing up tons of her own too.

 

do you think that i am putting to much emphasis on the "4 month" aspect of it? it just worries me cause you never know when its been to long and they're gone for good....but you never know how long it takes for it to smack em in the face and realize what they let go

[ChelseaLS]

that's been my opinion too.

 

after she told me that it was still to hard to see me, a week later she texts me saying that i was talking to one of her co-workers cause she say that the girl had commented on a fb pic of mine. i never met the girl, never spoken to her but she left a comment on it. why does it even matter if she doesnt want me any more?

 

i mean i do give little subtle hints here and there and the biggest one of all bringing up all the great times when had and she was bringing up tons of her own too.

 

do you think that i am putting to much emphasis on the "4 month" aspect of it? it just worries me cause you never know when its been to long and they're gone for good....but you never know how long it takes for it to smack em in the face and realize what they let go

 

I think the time to realize, or have the guts to admit to wrong doings or in rare cases come back, is different for everyone and every situaition.

 

I understand the worry about after a large amount of time passing, is it done for good. It's really hard to say... infact I don't think you can. I have read some people coming back after a few, a few months, even a year. I know my dad begged my mom to take him back after 6 months (he was the one that left). So try not to focus on the timing. Besides, maybe it will never smack them in the face. Maybe they are fufilled in their decision to leave. It's hard juggling the moving on with the possibility when she is showing signs.. but she could be stringing you along too.

 

I would take it one day at a time, like I said LC, don't think of the future... one day at a time.

[othersideofthepillow]

yeah i have heard that too. no one can really put a timeline on it.

 

i do my best to just go day by day and move on. just wish she wasnt a constant thought in my mind but i know it will pass at some point. i know that when she does contact me and i dont respond that day, the next day i will get contacted again so we'll see if she does. there have been a few times where i was sure i would never hear from her again -----than she showed up at my apartment/work or she texted/called me.

 

it would be nice to have her just go one way...constantly talk to me and want to try again or just completely leave me alone.

 

thank you for your advice though it is really helpful!