Messy breakup

[doring]

Hi Ls,

 

1st time poster....

 

I had been with my gf for 2.5 years and we were a couple for 2 of them. We didnt rush to commit as she has a young son. Just turned 2 when i 1st met him.

 

Our 1st year was a fairytale, things were so good that when i moved out of my flat to move home i ended up staying with her 2/3 days a week rather than living in my family home full-time, but things started to deteriorate at the tail end of last year (winter 10).

 

She lives alone with her son and while i was there supporting her as best i could things were good but as she's studying she would at times be stressed and with no family nearby i would bear the brunt of her frustration at times. We then had a dispute with her neighbours who seemed to have an evil jealousy of us and the life we lived. My gf became so stressed that she felt the need to move house.

 

In April this year she moved and things improved. She had the stress of exams to contend with but other than that we were fine. I had become close to her son and we were living like a happy family.

 

She was then threatened with benefit fraud by the dss after her old neighbours decided to concoct a story about me 'living with her and paying the rent' this again led to more stress and she ended up pretty ill. Nothing came of it but it was hanging over her for 10 weeks of the summer…

 

I did my best to help her cope and she plodded along as she is a very strong-minded individual.

 

Then when i was out clubbing with my mates i got too drunk and apparently was flirting with other girls in front of her. I have no recollection of this. I knew she was coming out later that night and id only had a moderate amount of beer but i was coming down with a viral infection and this was just the beginning of it. Its no excuse as i should have been more responsible with my drinking but i never have or never would dream of being unfaithful to this girl and the young boy i love like my own.

 

She was really upset and said it was as good as cheating. When she seen it she was shocked and just went away with her pal to another part of the club. She says her and her pal came over to speak to me and i just gave them a glazed stare.

 

As i say i had no re-collection so phoned round all my mates etc who were out and they all said i was as drunk as they had ever seen me but i was mainly on the dancefloor with them just dancing away and they never seen me with any girls.

 

The main problem here wasnt that i doubted what my gf was saying but she was going away on holiday the following day.... She left with us not talking and her saying she had nothing to say to me.

 

While she was away i helped to look after her son and in the week she was away i only received 2 txts both regarding his welfare.

 

When she got back she was unwell again. She had taken unwell at the tail end of the holiday....

 

The night she returned we talked and things were civil. We knew there were issues to be addressed but i knew it wasnt the time...

 

The next day she had a fallout with her sister who thought it was unfair that she hadnt been in contact with me while she was away and in the argument her sister revealed that i had txt her friend, while she was on holiday, who was out with her that night. I had txt to ask what she had seen me doing and to apologize for ruining the night for her and my gf.

 

My gf seen this as betrayal and txt me saying we were done and i was to collect all my stuff... I was upset but respected her and i managed to stall collecting my stuff for a few days... When i went to get it she had calmed down a little and said we shouldnt be hasty and i shouldnt move all of my stuff out. We agreed to time apart and after minimal contact a week later we met up and talked. We had both missed each other and she said her main issue was trusting me. I told her i could regain her trust if she let me and she agreed.

 

We were back together and i was so happy.... At the back of my mind i knew we still had stuff to discuss but we agreed it wouldnt be wise to do it all in 1 go and just take things as it came...

 

Anyway 1 night i went to log onto facebook on my laptop and she'd left herself logged in. My curiosity got the better of me and i had a look at her messages. 1 guy from holiday had been messaging her saying she was beautiful and he had a great holiday and big kisses. He was spanish so his words were hard to clarify.... A big kiss good hehe made me think he had kissed my gf.

 

I calmed down and decided to leave it and not confront her giving her the benefit of the doubt....

 

However a week later her pal put up all the holiday photos and this guy who had messaged her was in several of them. Pics of them alone together and the like.

 

I was hurt and angry and txt my gf asking her if she was single or with me when she was on holiday. She said she was single and i ended things as to me that was a confession of doing what she wanted. I told her id collect my stuff the next day and changed my facebook status to single.

 

Later on that night we exchanged angry txts and i told her id seen the facebook msgs from that guy and the fact she wasnt denying anything made it clear to me. She said i can believe what i want as she's fed up defending herself and im insecure.

 

I collected all my stuff and we hardly spoke and that was that.

 

2 or 3 days later i calmed down and started to analyse everything.

 

I realised i had been a child. Even if my suspicions were true, my reaction was pathetic. After over 2 years and with a young child i love involved i could have at least spoke about things face to face.

 

I went over and spoke to her and explained i now thought she hadnt done anything and id been paranoid about things. She was obviously still angry and said some hurtful things, which all girls usually do during big arguments, i took these with a pinch of salt but she told me she had told her son he wont see me anymore which was hard to take.

 

I told her im sorry and its her i want to be with so i'll leave the ball in her court...

 

She txt the following day being quite nice as she had been for a massage that day that i booked and paid for.

 

After that there was no contact for a week until yesterday when she sent me a txt askin if id taken nearly all our condoms from her house... i said no and asked how she and her son were getting on and her reply was just seems like there's a lot missing and he is unwell.

 

I then replied sayin id check my house but wouldnt expect to find any and asked what was up with her son.

 

She hasnt replied and although im coping fine im starting to wonder if its time to move on? Her txt yesterday seemed so random and my friends all think she txt cause she’s thinking of me?

 

Its only been 2 weeks since it all happened and it got messy with my family removing her from their friends lists after id told them she cheated and her family and friends doing likewise with me once she'd told them all her version of events...

 

My family know i was in the wrong and think im stupid and are sorry for deleting her. I told her this but she told me it doesnt matter and to tell them not to contact her as we're done.

 

I believe if we talk we could put this all behind us. I would have apologies to make to her family but it wouldnt be a problem for me. I made a mistake and hold my hands up.

 

I've since heard she's moving on. Always busy with friends and she's joined a gym.

 

My heads telling me its pretty much time to put my cards on the table....

 

Anyone know what they would do or have previous experience of this situation?

 

I am missing my gf and her wee boy so much. Its really just respect for her and annoyance at myself that has made me stick to not contacting her.... We have had previous arguments and she is quite hot-headed and takes time to calm down so Im trying to bear this in mind but by the same token I feel if I leave it too long she will have already moved on and there will be no going back?

 

Cheers

[Libra16]

I think it is possible for you two to work it out, but you clearly have some major trust issues. Believe me, if you do, it is HARD to make a relationship work. There will be many more nights like that - saying things you don't mean, her doing the same, getting angry for stuff that really isn't that big of a deal...

 

Now, no offense, but it sounds to me as if she's a little bit too dramatic. It also sounds like she's sleeping with someone else, or wants you to think she's sleeping with someone else. I really think it's more of the latter because why would she ask you where the condoms were????

 

If you want to work it out, go for it. Just know it is so hard to have a relationship where there are trust issues...

[doring]

Hi Libra16,

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

I would agree with you that she is a bit dramatic. She has a short temper which i think is related to her stress, which she was diagnosed with a day before we split, as in the beginning nothing ever seemed to make her angry and when we are on days off together and the like she always seemed relaxed and happy.

 

You are also right that i had trust issues. Its not an excuse but while i was wrapped up in the relationship and only really thinking of her getting better and me making her life less stressful i didnt mention the wee things that got to me like the facebook msgs and other small things that i thought werent very respectful towards me and would give me reason to have doubt.

 

Strange how you sometimes have to get yourself out of a situation to see what is really happening.

 

She won't be sleeping with someone else. Knowing her as I do she was probably just lookin for an excuse to txt me. I have thought about it since and realise that we definitely used them all up. She was just looking somewhere where she hasnt looked in a while and hasnt realised but they were in a box with medicines and other medical stuff so she could have been opening the box for any number of reasons....

 

She txt again last night asking about some stuff that she cant find after moving house back in April. Stuff of her sons. I again replied and asked how they are but got no reply.

 

I agree with you that i should go for it but i think the timing will be crucial to my chances as if she has calmed down and i can talk with her i believe i can at least make her have a think about things.

 

Are you talking from a similar experience or just giving an opinion?

 

Cheers

[davesterr]

i merely want to state my opinion on this without giving any advice.

you say this all happened becuz u were wasted at a club.

ok you may have danced with girls or hardly talked to your ex and her friend.

but you were wasted!

aslong as u didnt make out with any girls or hardcore grinded them then i dont think of it as cheating at all. irresponsible? yeah. cheating? not at all.

for her to get so mad about it that she ''breaks up'' with u within the next day without telling you is just ridiculous.

 

your ex gf saying she was single on vacation means she did something.

whether she kissed the spanish guy whether they did more who knows.

in her eyes , she was ''single'' and therefore didnt do anything wrong.

its an ancient girl rule to cheat on their boyfriends without having to feel guilty.

 

what she did on purpose and while being sober is wayyyyyy worse than u just being stupid drunk.

ofcourse you can believe whatever you want to believe.

if you want to think nothing happened than so it be.

i strongly think that something did happen on her holiday though.

in the end only she and the spanish guy knows so it doesn't really matter.

 

i think u should realise whether u actually love this woman or whether u simply care alot for her child.

i also think that you are over apologizing because of the way she made u feel.

they say the best defense is an offense and it seems like its working for her part.

 

i cant tell you how to get her back since i dont know either of u and all people are different.

however you should ask yourself: do i want to be with a woman who ''breaks up'' without breaking up after only 1 night of seeing u drunk and therefor considers herself ''single'' on her holiday so she can do whatever she wants with a random spanish guy without having to feel any guilt?

 

then theres the factor that, would u wanna be with someone who may have actually cheated on you , isn't denying anything , has uploaded pictures of her and the spanish guy alone together , and who uses the offense to make you feel like the bad guy?

 

and lastly, if despite all of this you still want her back because u love her and not just care for her son alot.

well in that case i say go for it.

either play the waiting game or do something really romantic.

hopefully for you it will turn out good.

if not then theres always loveshack to help you get through that period.

Edited October 21, 2011 by davesterr

[doring]

Hi Davester.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

She txt me on friday saying when do i want to meet up to exchange stuff. She said we may aswell get it out the way.... I just said whenever suits her is fine with me and we agreed on yesterday.... I was ment to go over at dinnertime but she txt to say it wasnt a good day and could she txt me later in the week when things are better?

 

This really confused me as i would have thought she would just want to get it over and done with and get on with her life. I know she is unwell so im just guessing she's maybe had a wee bit of a relapse with her stress.

 

Im clinging onto a bit of hope that i will get the opportunity to talk to her and try to win her back but im just now feelin like the longer its left the more she'll be slipping away....

 

Regarding your reply, she said she was single to hurt me as i had hurt her with my insecurity... i know how her mind works in that respect.

 

If i believed anything had happened on holiday i wouldnt even have looked up this website let alone posted a message... Id of washed my hands of her straight away and started moving on with my life.

 

If i see her and things go well the romantic gestures will start.... ha

[doring]

The latest update is i sent her flowers to say get well soon as from the txt she sent to cancel i got the impression she was unwell....

 

She received the flowers and txt to say thank you. That day i was at a funeral and was drinking afterwards... We were txting most of the day and i came across quite strongly sayin i still want her and her son and i dont feel the same without them etc. I regret it a little as although it was my true feelings there was no need for me to come on so strong.

 

She got defensive and said she feels relieved and free and she doesnt think thats how she would feel if it was the right thing she had done. She also told me her son was asking for me, asked why i treated her like i did and numerous other things including sayin she thinks its best to block me out just now but what do i think?

 

In the end she txt the next day to say she has a lot on her plate just now but could we meet up next week to have a chat....

 

Anyone think there is any chance that i can make her see that we can still be together and be happy? I really feel that i can but obviously im a bit apprehensive about meeting and worried it will be the final time i ever see her so not sure how to approach it?

 

We have txt and emailed a couple of times since she said about meeting up. We're just being civil and im not instigating any of the contact...

 

Cheers