what do i do, drag break up og try weathering it out?

[northlove23]

So here goes. I'll try to make this as brief as possible, but in my mind the story is pretty long.

 

Overall my girlfriend and I have been together for about two years, we moved in together for a little more than a year ago. When everything is good, it really is good - we laugh a lot, have a lot of fun and we enjoy each others company a lot. With that said, we also do a lot of fighting over things(that to me) seem regardless. One major thing we can never agree on, is when i am out drinking and having a good time with all my friends, she says i tend to forget her, because i don't text her, just to text her and let her know what i am doing. And that is not all of the issues, she is quite controlling and i am not sure that i like to be controlled all that much.

Another issue that i have with her, is that she is not getting along with my mom and dad, and my sister as well. My family seem to be quite convinced that she is not good for me.

Also i feel that there are some taboo subjects for us, subjects that we can not talk about, or subjects where I don't feel like myself when talking about it, e.g my mom and dad. I know i am pretty reliant on my parents, but who isn't? I don't like snooping around, but i have begun to hide it from her when i get texts from my mom and sisters because she always seems to so fierce towards them. Also, when I am on the phone with my mom, dad or sister, it is whenever she is not around, because i feel much better talking to them when i am alone.

There is one more issue we've been discussing a lot, and that is sharing private information in the sense of talking to other people about our issues. I am a kind of person who needs to get it out, therefore i speak with friends and family about our issues, to try and solve it. Her on the other hand, gets so mad at me when she finds out i been talking to others about(she didn't know until she read some of my texts, which she doesn't do that often). But she thinks all that stuff is private, and i don't, and therefore gives me a hard time about it.

 

So for the past 6 months or so, i have been thinking, is this the right thing for me. I have been thinking that i'm not that sure that she is the one for me - i can't envisage my self at the altar with this woman, and i can't envisage myself have children with her at the moment. I have been very close to breaking up at times, but everytime that I have been close to doing it, there has always been something coming up, whether it being a holiday or a trip somewhere. It always make me have second thoughts because whenever we are away we have such a good time, but when we come back those negative feelings come right back with it. Whenever we've been close to breaking up, i have felt this huge amount of sympathy towards her, i feel so bad for her, because i an't get myself to break her heart. I can't bear to se her sad, and when she cries it makes me so sad.

I am caught up between feelings here, because i know on one hand that i really love her, we have a lot of things in common, but on the other hand there are these issues that i don't know how to deal with. I am very confused about this and don't know what to do. I don't want to be the stupid a**hole who breaks her heart. I have come to the thought that she is putting a lot more feelings and emotions into this relationship, than i am - and does she deserve that?

 

What got me to write here is an argument we are having now about me going to an out-of-town christmas party, she doesn't want me to go, but want to go just for the fun of it. She doesn't trust me, but i have never done anything to make her feel that way, i am being unfair?

 

I quite frankly don't know what to do? because when are on the verge of breaking up, i tempt to see only whats good about her and what i will miss about her, and that effects on my "hardness"(don't misunderstand this), but i can't seem to be harsh enough.

 

I might add that we also work and study together, that is where we met. so NC is ruled out.

 

So what do i do here? Lord knows i've tried to change myself to make everything better. But whatever i do she always tries to change me in some wa..

Edited October 20, 2011 by northlove23

[TheDovic]

Hey dude,

 

obviously you love this girl or you wouldn't be writing on this forum, but I think you know you aren't very compatable. She seems to have a lot of issues, not just trust, but in wanting to have every part of you i.e. not even wanting you to speak to your family.

 

You know this isn't healthy, and in my own experience trying to change someone is like trying to iceskate uphill... it just isn't going to happen!!! She is the only person who can make changes to her own life, and she needs to be motivated to do this or it will not happen despite what help she gets.

 

My ex was a perfectionist and a workoholic. I tried everything to try and change her because in out last year together she had no time for me whatsoever (and I mean NO time). This put a massive strain on our relationship and I toyed with the idea of leaving her on several occasions only to be dumped myself in July.

 

My point is this... she will not change unless she sees a problem and wants to change. You cannot do this for her, so realistically you have two options here:

 

1) Leave her - she will be upset initially but this is better for her than being strung along, plus it gives you a chance to be happy.

 

2) Tell her what you're thinking and see if this motivates her to seek help with her trust issues via counselling.

[wilsonx]

There are a bunch of things at hand here, one of them is the lack of communication between you and her. I do not think its there. Why are you talking to other people about your and her problems. The only way to get a solution on your and her problems it to have a conversation between you and her. How is talking to your family going to help that? It doesnt, it only causes more problems because the communication between you and her are not there.

 

You have to make decisions here, asking for advice is useless because you are not going to listen, and if you do, you are going to make a decision based off other peoples' opinions so you are not at fault for your own decisions. Its a bit cowardice. You should take some time to yourself for a bit, stop the drinking and going out and just really think hard about what you want and then communicate to her. Cut your family out of the loop for a bit. Its about you, not your family

[thebig-guy]

In my opinion mate the fact that your even having thoughts about ending it clarify that this isnt the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with.

 

I was in a similar relationship a few years ago, and i was too soft to end it because i was too bothered about how she would feel. I tried finishing it with her twice only for her to play the sympathy card and lure me back in.

 

Although im pretty certain you wouldnt do it, not being with her would be the right thing in my eyes. It sounds harsh, but from what you've said im 99% certain that this she isnt the right girl for you. Ive noticed that having a jealous girlfriend is enough to make you stop loving her, as she doesnt believe or support anything your doing.