prune juice Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 This is just one example of why you should never get involved with someone newly divorced. Wait two years at least. Oh, the divorcees will all protest of course, but I have personally experienced similar scenarios and so have many others with these people. They are not ready to have a serious relationship. They will always look for ways in which you are similar to their ex or not instead of looking at who you are as a unique individual. To the OP, why don't you just date other separated and newly divorced men and avoid causing an innocent man heartache by dissecting everything he says and does, trying to "catch him out" and trip him up? He deserves better. two years is too long to wait. just imagine two years with no sex. i couldn't handle that.
FitChick Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Maybe it was too early for me to start dating. I know I have some issues. The dissection, or trying to "trip him up" is possibly paranoia... like trying to find out what he's about so I don't get hurt again. I've found myself doing it before in past relationships... ...or it could be me just trying to understand him a little better. I like to figure out what he likes or what makes him tick so I can make him happy. "Wanting to control" is your pattern. More to do with that than whether someone is like or not like your ex. The Lefkoe Method is great for breaking patterns by eliminating the beliefs that drive them. Eliminate those beliefs and the pattern disappears without you consciously having to do anything else. Easy peasy!
FitChick Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 two years is too long to wait. just imagine two years with no sex. i couldn't handle that. Who said anything about not having sex? You just date others in your same position of not wanting anything serious, just wanting fun.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Who said anything about not having sex? You just date others in your same position of not wanting anything serious, just wanting fun. I personally couldn't have sex outside of a relationship. Too many emotions and ideals flying around.
Author Duckduckgoose Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 I thought about the control issues thing, and let go of some of the things that could be considered "controlling". I noticed when I want something I want it my way and right then, and when I don't get it my way and then there is a problem. I want to find that problem and fix it, so I get things my way and on my time schedule. Well he has diagnosed ADHD and takes meds for it. I read up on ADHD and he fits a lot of the stuff for it. He's not abusive or self-medicating like some of what I read... but I did ask him about it, because some of it is kinda scary. He IS very messy, which he has been working on. I've offered to help him, but he won't take help (his really pretty house has lots and lots of clutter, unopened mail, etc). He's not a hoarder, but dang 10 more years of junk in that house and he would be considered one. Every time I go to his house now it's a little cleaner, and I say that to him, I let him know that his house is so pretty when it's clean, and it's way easier to cook in the kitchen when I can use the counters Mostly, I let go of the real nitpicky stuff (let go and let God deal with it I tell myself)... and the relationship has gotten to the point where it's FUN. I LIKE being with him, he likes being with me I still have my critical days, and I hate when I get like that. Sometimes it needs to be said, but I have to ask myself if it's a control thing, or if it's something else. Most of the time it's a control thing, but with his really cluttered/borderline hoarder house... it was another issue. No one is perfectly clean, I keep my apartment pretty clean yes, but his was to the point where I was having to kick empty boxes around the kitchen because when he would get something he would keep the empty box around "In case he needed it"... and I was searching for a soup spoon while he was outside grilling and his drawers were FULL of junk mail. In that case I HAD to say something. He's never going to be a very neat person, but he picks up after himself (no nasty leftovers rotting and no dirty plates and clothes everywhere) and he's making progress on his own about the clutter in his house. By letting my critical and somewhat controlling nature go, I am enjoying him so much more. He has told me he loves me. I don't love him... it sort of comes and goes with me, but as I'm dealing with my own issues it's breaking down that wall I didn't know I'd put up inside.
FitChick Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Well done for sticking with him. It sounds promising and I hope everything works out for you both. 1
Author Duckduckgoose Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 I know I still have a long way to go, because everytime something little happens that annoys men I still think of dumping him. Its that flight instinct. But I refuse to be like my exH and run from the little things. Issues issues needs some tissues.
Author Duckduckgoose Posted June 2, 2012 Author Posted June 2, 2012 Another update of sorts: We took a vacation to The Great Smoky Mountains National Park. It was nice. His parents have property there so we got to stay for free. He wasn't very affectionate while we were there, but he was very polite. His mom was there too, which he said he didn't want to give her the wrong idea by being all over me... I said it was probably giving her the wrong idea that you WEREN'T being affectionate. He made up for that the second we got back to our state. His house is a bit cleaner, his vehicle is MUCH cleaner... so he's working on the messy problem... little by little. I remember to thank him for the little things... I told him that the thankless jobs are the one that people EXPECT us to do. So when he does things I would expect him to do, I let him know how much it means to me... and I tell him how much nicer his house looks when he vacuums the dead bugs off the floor (seriously he will stomp a bug and leave it there... YUCK) I did tell him I loved him earlier this week. It was hard for me. There were moments I'd feel it... it would come and go and I was afraid to say it. A big part of me felt like I was betraying my exH by saying it, even though logically I know I wasn't. It took a large chunk of confidence to say it. He of course said it back. The feeling still comes and goes sort of like a lightbulb in a thunderstorm with the power flicking on and off. Right now it's at an "off", but when he gives me the warm fuzzies I let him know. Another part of me felt like by telling him I was giving him a weapon against me. That was a new and altogether unpleasant revelation. Looks like more issues from divorce surfacing. He also seems to have some trust issues with me. I haven't done anything to betray his trust, and when he acts that way I ask him what I have done to deserve less that his full trust. On our way to GSMNP, he told me that his relatives think I'm weird because I have guns, and do medieval re-enactment, particularly rapier fencing...also implying I was strange because I was outdoorsy. He was siding with them. The most outspoken of these relatives, a nosy aunt, even went so far as to say I was a loose cannon of sorts...since as a single female I shouldn't have any way to defend myself... Mind you, all of his relatives own guns, knives, compound bows, and the like.... even this aunt that needs to mind her own business. I asked him why he didn't stand up for me, and he said it was because he agreed with them. I didn't call him a spineless dickhead but I was thinking about it. At that point I decided that if this comes up again and he can't stand up for me, he needs to go find someone else. I said that his aunt (a "Christian" woman) has no place to judge me, and that should I sell my guns, stop doing fencing, and "conform" to her standards of meekness (even though she's a lot like me, herself) she'd just find something else to complain about. I even asked if any of his relatives had been to an SCA event (reenactment society I'm part of), none of them had. How dare they pass judgement on something they know nothing of? The Bible even mentions leaving the judgement part to the creator and I said that to him. I wasn't 'friends' with the nosy aunt, but I made sure to block her on FB, so she couldn't see my information through "friend of friend". If this type of incident comes up again he's gonna have a tough choice on his hands: Stand up for me, his girlfriend who he says he loves, or find someone who conforms to what his family wants. Haha. GL with that. And yes, I have the nosy type relatives too and when they gossip I set them straight. I mentioned that to him. I will defend the person I'm with, it's part of the deal to me.
FitChick Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 Don't be so reactive with his relatives. You can make sure you don't have to see them that much. Most people don't like their in-laws. You just have to bite your tongue and be polite. Of course it's strange that they have their own weapons so it wouldn't be out of line to ask the aunt or whomever why they don't like you owning weapons but it's okay for them. You could try to win them over by inviting them to go to a shooting range.
hiimgerman Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 I ****ing chickened out. I guess I was waiting to see if it was the right time to bring it up... and it wasn't. I am really getting beyond frustrated at this point. Throw me a ****ing bone here please man... sometimes I get the impression that its either a game to him or that I've been friend-zoned and just don't know it I am really gonna have to balls up and if it leads to rejection so be it. I'm pretty sick of the "not knowing where things stand". If he wants more, we can work on that... if not then I would like to have the time to find someone that does. Just tell him how you feel e.g. you like him and would like a relationship blah blah pretty sure it'll be good
utterer of lies Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 he told me that his relatives think I'm weird because I have guns, and do medieval re-enactment, particularly rapier fencing...also implying I was strange because I was outdoorsy. He was siding with them. The most outspoken of these relatives, a nosy aunt, even went so far as to say I was a loose cannon of sorts...since as a single female I shouldn't have any way to defend myself... Mind you, all of his relatives own guns, knives, compound bows, and the like.... even this aunt that needs to mind her own business. I asked him why he didn't stand up for me, and he said it was because he agreed with them. I didn't call him a spineless dickhead but I was thinking about it. At that point I decided that if this comes up again and he can't stand up for me, he needs to go find someone else. I said that his aunt (a "Christian" woman) has no place to judge me, and that should I sell my guns, stop doing fencing, and "conform" to her standards of meekness (even though she's a lot like me, herself) she'd just find something else to complain about. Don't make it in a me-against-them thing. His aunt is probably just jealous that you have options and can do things she never could.
FredRutherford Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 (edited) He wasn't very affectionate while we were there, but he was very polite. His mom was there too, which he said he didn't want to give her the wrong idea by being all over me... I said it was probably giving her the wrong idea that you WEREN'T being affectionate. He made up for that the second we got back to our state. Your first big trip together. Being around relatives could be a reason a shy guy like him might not be so affectionate. I did tell him I loved him earlier this week. It was hard for me. There were moments I'd feel it... it would come and go and I was afraid to say it. A big part of me felt like I was betraying my exH by saying it, even though logically I know I wasn't. It took a large chunk of confidence to say it. He of course said it back. Good that he reacted that way. Sensed he loves you but as a shy guy, sometimes hard for him to do. Clearly, you're dealing with a different kind of guy. As you posted, a never-been-in-a-relationship virgin in his late 20s, if I recall correctly. That has its own challenges and any guy that's going to date you immediately after your divorce is enlisting for some challenges as well. Wouldn't be good to be a gal's "rebound" guy. But it sounds like this are going relatively well. Are you two physically affectionate at some level? Can understand a guy's reasons for hesitating on sexual involvement, but as a shy man, he needs to step-up to the plate on expressing his desire for you. It's obvious he sees the kind of loving woman you are, so you're good to stick with him. He's not a "regular" guy like others you may have dated. Edited June 2, 2012 by FredRutherford
thatone Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 This. The poster her makes it a point to dredge up his bitter childhood experience with religion and use it to slur anyone who even remotely expresses a religious viewpoint. and then the OP tells the story of the aunt throwing out her "women should be reliant on men" stereotype because that's what the dude's religious family wants to hear. thus proving my point. love it when that happens (it always does).
FredRutherford Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 (edited) Originally Posted by thatone these people aren't christians, they're just evil and selfish. sounds like you need to make political views a deal breaker. i have, for the above reasons.Originally Posted by aj22one That's a little bit of an extreme position to take, "evil and selfish"? Originally Posted by FredRutherford This. The poster her makes it a point to dredge up his bitter childhood experience with religion and use it to slur anyone who even remotely expresses a religious viewpoint. and then the OP tells the story of the aunt throwing out her "women should be reliant on men" stereotype because that's what the dude's religious family wants to hear. thus proving my point. love it when that happens (it always does). So what if Duck's BF's aunt holds that view? You mean to tell me there aren't bitter, angry and difficult older atheists who people don't want to associate with? We know the type. They're upset they worked in a low-paying and underappreciated job and take their attitude out on everyone else. So... bec. there are those types of atheists, we need to generalize that behavior to ALL atheists, like you did with the aunt? Or.. the slough of highly emotional anti-God books atheists authors published in the recent past? We're to believe atheists are guided more by emotion and less by logic???? thus proving my point. love it when that happens (it always does). Not really but you appear to revel in deluding yourself. You've posted how you like to force the Christian women you date to put-aside their religious views and have sex with you. You don't allow them to do the opposite, however.. That selfish me-only view negates any relationship credibility you may possess and your frequent tirades against those that don't hold your uninformed views cements your disqualification. None of what you posted has any relevance to Duck's posting. Your narrow and parochial views on religion have nothing to do with this thread and belong elsewhere. Edited June 8, 2012 by FredRutherford
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