Beachgirl8 Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 Oh sorry disregard my last post I only read the OP and didn't realize you already talked to him- that's great! Good luck with everything
Author Duckduckgoose Posted November 25, 2011 Author Posted November 25, 2011 Thank you for the advice anyway BeachGirl. I'm gonna have to take it physically slow with him. He's a bit tense with light cuddling... and I can feel him shaking when we hug (nerves aww). But when I look in his eyes I can see that's he's very happy Gonna have to get him used to enjoying being touched before I can proceed farther though. His mom even said as much to me, that I'm gonna have to be really patient with him in this regard.
Author Duckduckgoose Posted November 26, 2011 Author Posted November 26, 2011 He's a bit excitable right now, its kind of coming off as clingy. I'll give him a few weeks to calm down as he gets used to things. We did specifically agree that twice a week would be okay to see each other at first... I'm kinda wondering if he's forgotten already
Author Duckduckgoose Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 Hmm... it's not so bad dating a guy that has no experience. He's learning pretty quickly. Sometimes what he says and does are a bit awkward. A girl just has to get used to it. He's not smooth about it like a man that's got his game down pat would be. His attitude is like 9/10 for awesomeness. I have NO complaints there. He seems so thankful that someone's taken a chance on him. Its only about 3 weeks into an official "relationship" but I think I've found a good one. Time will tell on that. But girls, giving a guy with no experience a chance isn't so bad. I was very hesitant about it at first. It took his sweetness, his personality, his good attitude towards things, and his stability to win me over. It also helps that he's just as athletic as I am, and in good shape Don't brush off the "nice guys" or the "shy guys". They have a lot of love to give! So far I'm very impressed, and I've been with several men before him. He's not perfect and never will be, but the difference is that he's willing to learn what it takes to please, so long as I am willing to learn what pleases him. All-in-all, an inexperienced man isn't as horrible as I thought it'd be. Its really not bad at all. It takes patience, but sometimes good things are worth waiting for.
Author Duckduckgoose Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 I'm gonna update this periodically with what it's like dating someone inexperienced. We had our first kiss not too long ago. It was his first kiss period. It was so funny, he was like in shock. I told him he did fine. He did. I didn't get injured in the process so I count it a success. I am glad for his willing to learn and willing to please attitude. I found out he's got no idea what the bases are, what most sexual acts are. I was like "Wow". He said he's not really worried about it, that he'll learn eventually what all of it is. He seems normal, just starved for affection. We were kind of embracing in his driveway and talking, I was scratching his back a little... kind of a warm gesture... and later he asked me what I was doing to him. I just said I was scratching his back a little. He really really liked it. At first I thought he was uncomfortable the way he brought it up. Honestly, if it wasn't for his good attitude, stability, and career (he's an engineer; we were talking finances one day, and he flat out showed me a pay stub... sometimes it's hard to keep my eyes from bugging out my head and that was one of them) I would probably leave. I'd say the most important thing though is his attitude. If he had the bitter attitude of some of the people I read about on this forum about lack of experience I'd be gone. He asks some awkward questions... there are times I feel put on the spot... sometimes I feel really strange answering him. He's told me he was sheltered but is also shy. Its hard. I won't lie about that. I still feel like I am "entitled" to someone that has experience. Someone that I don't have to teach the basics to. But I also see there is a person behind all that, one with very deep emotions, one that's a bit sensitive and has tried to hide it for 30 years. I've got a lot of work in front of me...the payoff would be huge but the initial investment without guaranteed returns for me is difficult. I do care about him. A lot. He's not perfect but he's treated me FAR better than anyone else I've ever been with. And he's way more patient too.
Author Duckduckgoose Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Sorry I haven't kept this updated recently. There was some sort of weird glitch where I couldn't log in and couldn't make another account. I am still with the guy I mentioned earlier in this thread. It has been good, bad, and difficult so far. We've been officially together for a little over three months. I keep telling myself that he has no relationship experience when things get weird. Sometimes I have to explain things like I would to a person from a different country. I did find out he's got ADD and is on adderol... when the adderol is in his system he's pretty good... when he skips a day (usually on a weekend) it's obvious. Its kind of aggravating too. He didn't TELL me he was ADD until AFTER we started dating I've looked at some ADD websites for coping strategies. For the most part if he keeps sidetracking I just walk away. He snaps back to fairly quickly. Before I walk away I let him know several times that he's getting off topic. He's picked up on the physical side of relationships pretty quickly... he's quite enthusiastic about it... go figure men haha. He's very sweet acting... not particularly thoughtful though... if you want something you have to TELL him, he doesn't take to hints well and he's not spontaneous. Those are two things that I expect out of a person in a relationship and I don't know if it's because he's... "brand new" or if that his personality anyway. Alas, I continue to lead by example. Dating a man with no prior relationship experience isn't impossible, just so long as you know you're up for a big challenge and you're willing to put forth the extra time and explanations involved, and are prepared for a rougher road that with someone who knows what they're doing. There have been days I want to bail, days I miss my ex husband so bad... not because I want him back but because he knew me and knew the things I wanted and I didn't have to explain the new stuff or demonstrate things... the ex husband didn't require the level of patience that my boyfriend does. When I start feeling like that I have to remind myself that after being single 30 years, my boyfriend is gonna have to have time to learn things... it's not gonna happen overnight. I'm 28 and it's taken some seriously difficult lessons to teach me the things I know (divorce ) Ah well, with faith, prayer, time, and patience I will see where this leads. So far he's been a good guy. He doesn't beat me, cuss me, or anything bad. He's got a good heart if sometimes misplaced sarcasm 2
FitChick Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 At least you won't have to worry about him comparing you to his ex. 1
ThaWholigan Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 This is heart-warming to read. As a 23 year old who also has no prior relationship experience, it is always extremely nice to read a success story such as this one, lets hope it all works out
Author Duckduckgoose Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 Yeah, he was upfront about it which I appreciated so I knew what I was getting into. Sometimes I get really frustrated, like I'm trying to teach a dog a trick that it just doesn't grasp. No, I don't think of my boyfriend as a dog, but it's the closest analogy I can find. Maybe like trying to teach a parrot or dolphin a trick?
fortyninethousand322 Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 He's picked up on the physical side of relationships pretty quickly... he's quite enthusiastic about it... go figure men haha. This is something that always worries me (not being able to understand the physical stuff). Interesting that he picked up well. He's very sweet acting... not particularly thoughtful though... if you want something you have to TELL him, he doesn't take to hints well and he's not spontaneous. Those are two things that I expect out of a person in a relationship and I don't know if it's because he's... "brand new" or if that his personality anyway. This I'm pretty sure is because he's brand new, I'm essentially the same way. Of course maybe all the "brand new" types have the same personality who knows.
Author Duckduckgoose Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 I've found myself trying to make him "perfect". I've caught myself doing it... I've analyzed my behaviour from a distance. He seems to gravitate between eager to please, and selfish. When he's eager to please, things are awesome. When he gets selfish... those are the times I debate dumping him. I've explained things to him (he's very logical, an engineer), and when they don't sink in fast enough I want to bolt. I realize that he's not gonna "get" everything overnight. He may never "get" all of it... sort of like I won't ever "get" everything about relationships. The past few weeks I've been pretty critical of him... yes he was plainly being selfish and it was hurting my feelings a lot... and despite me telling him, he wasn't terribly inclined to do anything about it. He got a little snide about it, which caused me to be more critical. I've had to tell him "When you do "A", this is how it makes me feel". And he might take a couple weeks for it to sink in... for him to process... but one thing he does NOT do easily is apologize. When he hurts feelings he might change the subject, but he won't say "I'm sorry". I've let him know how that makes me feel. I apologize quite a bit when I mess up. One of the lessons I learned from divorce was that the three most important things you can say are "Please, thank you, & 'I'm sorry'". When he is being selfish, or showing a lack of empathy I'm trying to find a way to let him know, without coming off as demanding or hypercritical. He is learning, and I am trying to be patient but it can be quite the uphill battle. When he is in a pleasing mood, I remember to tell him: "I love it when you 'blank', but what you want and need are just as important as what I want and need. All you have to do it tell me. I won't think anything you tell me is stupid." I usually try that in a moment of affection. Sometimes he will think about it a second and be like "So what do you wanna do this weekend?". Derp. So that's not sinking in. I'm not sure when he will get to the point where he's comfortable expressing wants/needs to me. I've told him I'm not a good guesser so if something is bothering him he should bring it to my attention. I don't want him to bottle his emotions if I'm doing something wrong, and then blow up on me or up and leave later. I'm trying to lead by example in this area too. If he does something that upsets me I let him know fairly quickly. I don't do it in public or in a place where it would embarrass him, but I do let him know. I also try to encourage all the things he does right, like picking out a nice movie to watch... or a nice trail system to hike... I let him know I appreciate what he does, like playing with my pets when I'm busy. I let him know I value his opinion and interests, even when I don't share the same opinion or interests (but I make that part clear). I let him know he's special to me... with small gestures, words... telling him little things that I wouldn't broadcast on Facebook/twitter or whatevs...I might get him a little treat every now and then... I try to cover all the "love languages" till I figure out which ones are his. I also express things I like and dislike...in essence, I'm doing what I can to be the best me, but I'm also having to teach him things along the way. I'm learning a lot about myself in this process. I don't want to feel like I'm trying to make him the perfect boyfriend... I don't want to be hypercritical when he messes up... I want to be a fun and loving... but human and therefore flawed, girlfriend. Sometimes I think I'm trying to be the person I wasn't in my marriage... the person that would have kept it together... and sometimes I think that when I'm critical I'm trying to make him the person that my ex husband WASNT. I guess I've still got a long way to go as far as that's concerned.... like I don't wanna mess it up this time... which is a good thing, but a bad thing if that's all I can focus on.
Author Duckduckgoose Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 And no, I don't "love" him yet... I've felt twinges of it though... ... I'd really rather not be the first person to drop the "L" word. Part of me thinks it'll make me look like a needy divorcee just trying to marry again as fast as possible. Another part of me thinks that if I was feeling it, it might be too much for him to handle when I said it. And the confused part of me thinks if I still have that residual love for my exH... the kind that will always be with me, is it fair to say I love another person, even if I mean it? The "twinges" of 'love' I felt were somewhat different that what I felt for my exH but I recognized it as the same kind of feeling... it wasn't an infatuation, a lust, or some heat of the moment thing... it was something akin to a very deep affection... something that when I would feel it I would battle it till it went away... like I was in denial. Maybe it's too early to feel that sort of thing? I don't really feel it when I'm with him... I feel comfortable around him, I feel like I'm around someone who cares... but I don't feel "love" for him. 3 months of officially being together is too soon to feel "love" I think... or maybe I am just basing my example off of the fact that it took me almost a year to realize I felt "love" for my ex-husband... he was the one who "loved" me first. I was having sex with him, and didn't "love" him...I cared deeply for him, but didn't love him at the point we became that intimate. Maybe I'm over-analyzing this. I can give it some more months and see if there are more 'twinges'... but at what point should I not fight them back? When should I accept maybe it's okay to love him? Maybe the twinges are like sprinkles on the windshield before a good refreshing rain... like letting me know that this is where things are going? I dunno. Just some insight into the first relationship after a divorce.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 DUCK! it's been too long! Thought about you this past week, thought you threw in the LS towel. What's going on here? I read a couple posts about you auto-correcting dude's behavior. Seems like you haven't truly gotten to know him yet, sounds odd.... It honestly sounds like you are trying to compartmentalize this relationship a bit too.... Shore up all of his problem areas, patch up those insecurities. So what do we have here? Overanalysis? Fear of intimacy after getting burned? A bad match? Trying to made someone work that won't? Hardened and a bit cynical in the middle? What's up there? It looks like more work or complaints then joy, Or are you just getting your thoughts out and processing your choice?
Author Duckduckgoose Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 Hiya DOT! I ran into some problems logging in for a few months, seems to have corrected itself now *phew* I would put it into the over-analysis category, with some hardened and cynical thrown in there to add some gritty taste. Part of me keeping up with this is that I see so many "good guys" with either no relationship experience or getting their asses burned hard and wondering why women don't want the good guys. Well I figured if I was gonna take a risk on a guy with no experience I might as well post here to let others know that it's okay to date someone with no "history". Just know that it's not easy. His mom told me... "You're gonna have to be patient with MBG". No ****. Sometimes I want to scream. Most of the time it's good though. When you date people with prior relationships you take for granted all kinds of things... things they just /know/... when I don't see those things in my boyfriend I step back and see what he IS doing instead of what he isn't doing. That at least tells me how his mind works. I got a totally blank slate... I went into this knowing that I get to be his first everything... it's kinda a lot of pressure, you know? I got to deal with the awkward-ness of it all I don't wanna get into too much personal details but the first time we kissed his reaction made me want to LOLOLOL. He was like a little kid on Christmas Day... I told him I was glad he didn't bite me or anything When I would try new things he would get tense... I just had to reassure him (words, body language, whatever it took) that everything was okay. He never got uncomfortable to the point where I stopped what I was doing though. If I thought he was, or if he would have pulled away I would have ceased whatever it was immediately. Yes, it was an uphill battle. It still is, but I went into it with the added pressure of teaching him what he needed to know, and if things don't work out between us, I'd rather us part ways with him remembering the good things about me. As it stands he'd be comparing every woman afterwards with me anyway lol... that's a lot to live up to! I want his opinion of women to be favorable so that if we did break up he wouldn't be bitter and cynical like "Oh I gave her the world and she left me for a circus clown!" kind of mentality. The truth is I could see myself marrying the guy... not right now, but maybe in a couple years? He has a good attitude most of the time, he's patient, communication is hard sometimes (for any relationship it's that way though), but he's learning. He asked how I felt about weddings back in January. I said I didn't like them and I prefer to spend the money on something else, but that I wouldn't even consider marriage with ANYONE without serious pre-marital counselling... independent AND together. Anyway... I take it a day at a time with him. It can be tough, but I saw a meme that sums up how I feel about the situation : I didn't say it would be easy, I said it would be worth it.
SJC2008 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Can you go into more detail about having to teach him things and "things you know" when you know someone has R exp. It's a serious question.
Emilia Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I don't know duck. He sounds like he has Asperger's or something. Are you sure it's worth all this hard work? I know relationships take work but continuously from day one? I agree with those that said he had no relationship experience for a reason. I hope your efforts pay off but I think all this 'leading by example' and that is just too much. Relationships are supposed to add something to your life, not sap your energy.
ThaWholigan Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I don't know duck. He sounds like he has Asperger's or something. Are you sure it's worth all this hard work? I know relationships take work but continuously from day one? I agree with those that said he had no relationship experience for a reason. I hope your efforts pay off but I think all this 'leading by example' and that is just too much. Relationships are supposed to add something to your life, not sap your energy. This will be weird but as an autistic man with no experience myself........I agree with you. There is only so much growth a man can do for himself before he gets himself into a relationship. I think that constantly having to tell him what to do and how to do it in the context of a relationship will become taxing after some time if he is finding it hard to understand it. It may be possible that this guy has a mild form of Asperger's, but failing that he just may not understand certain things socially. I also hope it pays off for the OP.
Author Duckduckgoose Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 Can you go into more detail about having to teach him things and "things you know" when you know someone has R exp. It's a serious question. Hmm... without being super specific, it's the little nuances he doesn't pick up on.... like just texting to show he cares (he didn't pick up on this for a while, he's better about it now), a random hug or cuddle out of nowhere (he's better at this too), the little things... Sometimes I wish he'd ASK me what I like, want, and need. I make sure to ask him these things... today we had some pretty good communication. I'd been letting him know that things he wants and his opinions are just as important as mine for a couple weeks now... and today he let me know something I'd been doing that bothered him. While I didn't like to be criticized I was like "SCORE!" I did ask him (again) about the autism/asperger's thing. I asked him once before and he told me when he had his psych eval. that uncovered his ADD (he was in his early 20s when this happened) he also asked about OCD, autism, and aspergers. He's not OCD or any spectrum. I already knew this... but I asked again... boy he got pissed off, saying I blow things out of proportion, that maybe because I'm not totally "normal" that I have some kind of disorder... yeah I hit a sensitive spot there. I can't say I appreciate his reaction and I really don't think jumping my **** about it was necessary, but I got my answer? TheWholigan: I think he just doesn't understand certain things socially. He was pretty sheltered growing up... his parents realized their mistake after his third brother was born, and his parents have admitted as much, even to me (especially to me). Its aggravating to me because I'm having to tell him things he should know... like what KY-Jelly is used for (seriously). He said his parents didn't give him "the talk" so he was pretty in the dark about sex. He is a fairly social guy, though. He has friends that act normal, and he spends a lot of time with relatives who are "normal" (as far as relatives go)... but I do see that "naivety" in his brothers and sister too, just not to the extent it is with him. His married brother doesn't act naive at all.
Author Duckduckgoose Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 I love you ConsJon, it strokes my ego to know that I get my own troll
SJC2008 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I do commend you for giving a non exp guy a chance but I think exp is so overrated. Those things you mentioned are things I'd do without even having to be told or asked to do. I am an affectionate person who likes to cuddle and do all sorts of things like that but what's funny is is that a lot of women think if you're a little resrevedat first that that's you. They won't give you 10 seconds to come out of your shell ya know? Because it's not manyly to have a shell. They may think you don't have the nuts to make a move but truth be told and not to sound vuler I could eat you know what until my tongre falls off but some women think you wont because you are a little shy from the get go. 1
somedude81 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 It's so cool that you are giving him a chance and teaching him. He sounds extremely similar to myself. Older, no experience but eager etc. I would kill to meet somebody like you
FitChick Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 It's so cool that you are giving him a chance and teaching him. He sounds extremely similar to myself. Older, no experience but eager etc. I would kill to meet somebody like you The main reasons she likes this man is his attitude, stability and career. Aren't you unemployed and living at home or am I confusing you with someone else?
ThaWholigan Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 (edited) The main reasons she likes this man is his attitude, stability and career. Aren't you unemployed and living at home or am I confusing you with someone else? Nah, Somedude's good in that area, he has his own home and works/studies. I am currently unemployed/at home. Edited March 14, 2012 by ThaWholigan
somedude81 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 The main reasons she likes this man is his attitude, stability and career. Aren't you unemployed and living at home or am I confusing you with someone else? You're confusing me. I got my own apartment, have a job and go to college. The only thing I don't have is relationship experience.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Hey DDG, Nearly all of my bfs were inexperienced before my h. I love doing the first times with guys. It's awesome. I totally recommend women go for the "not totally forward" guys instead of waiting for someone to chase them down. Good 4 u.
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